Do I have a chance of getting him back?

[JasmineBarnes]

Hello. I have been married almost 3 years and separated for about 4 months (I moved out as a mutual agreement). We separated because we were arguing a lot mainly because of finances with me losing my job. Later I found out he still had feelings for me so I tried to come around more often but he was very withdrawn. I made the mistake of getting insecure, nagging him, wondering if there was someone else, overall being an obsessive nagging wife which caused him to withdraw from the marriage even more. He said he wanted space from all the arguing.

I did not respond well to him rejecting me and I yelled and screamed at him. I cursed him so badly and said some mean things and left to go back to my home. I never thought he would talk to me again.

I tried texting him 3 weeks after the argument (mainly casual and asking how he was) and no response. I tried again 2 weeks after that and still no response. I waited two months and texted him for his bday in December. Said happy birthday and apologized for my actions, no response. I did not try again after this.

About 2 weeks ago, he texted me randomly and said he had forgiven me. He said that he thought of me everyday and that he would always love me. I responded politely and said that I would love him always too.

Since then, we've been in contact everyday. I will text him once a day and he always responds even though it takes a while. Out of the 2 weeks I have initiated contact once a day except twice when he has. The time that he initiated contact he said that he was reminiscing on a memory we shared. He has started to ask about my day and such.

I really want my husband back and still have tremendous feeling for him and I do not want to make the same mistake of pushing him away by asking why he is not initiating contact or why he takes a long time to respond so I can not ask him. I also know that i screwed up so i do not want to stop contacting him because I want to show him that I care.

How should i proceed at this point? I know he is somewhat hurt by the things I said to him on the last day that we argued. Should I continue contacting him once a day, limit contact to once a week, or stop all together? And how long should i continue this text pattern before I ask to meet up/phone conversation? Does it sound like I even have a chance?

Any advice is appreciated

[Ralph79]

What have you done to alleviate the problems you had while you were still together?

 

I know the prospect of reuniting with a person you love and miss so much can cloud your judgement. While I think you have a very good chance of getting him back, in fact I'd say it's almost inevitable, I would suggest you take this opportunity that you are apart to really think about what brought you two apart.

 

If you haven't meditated on those issues and tried to work on them, then you are going back to more of the same. It's not about being nicer to him, it's about you and him being on equal emotional terms and making sure you proceed rationally.

[DSP]

How should i proceed at this point?

 

The same way you are now. Don't start acting flighty or like you don't care. NC is going to backfire. He's wounded right now and it's time for him to heal.

 

I know he is somewhat hurt by the things I said to him on the last day that we argued. Should I continue contacting him once a day, limit contact to once a week, or stop all together?

 

Continue with what you are doing. He is texting back so he still cares. Depending on what you said to him he is still healing.

 

 

And how long should i continue this text pattern before I ask to meet up/phone conversation?

 

Mix it up. If you text during the day send one in them morning "Hey.. Good morning" Then one about dinner time "Was the day good?" I don't know what your nomenclature is, but I hope you get the point. Do it once a week until he is maybe joking with you then ask to meet up. If he agrees don't fall all over yourself to apologize. It's a two way street he needs to say he's sorry too. Just tell him you regret the things you said in anger. Don't try to explain it just say it. He will say he's sorry soon enough.

 

Does it sound like I even have a chance?

 

Yes. Very much so, be patient.

 

This is just my opinion... There are people here that have much better view of things than I so take it for what it is just an opinion.

Edited January 23, 2015 by DSP
Follow up

[JasmineBarnes]

Thanks for replying. I have done some self-reflecting to work on the issues that caused me to feel insecure and not allow him space when he asked for it. I have figured out a way to help our financial issues and made other improvements on myself. I do not want to push the issue of asking to get back together so soon so conversation is very casual.

I did notice today that he was very short with me. I asked how he was and he said a one worded "okay". I followed up by asking if his work day went smoothly and he did not respond. Not sure why he did not. Today I found out he is also talking to old female co-worker for the past few days that lives in another state. Should I still continue contacting him at this pace or back off a bit?

[Ralph79]

The fact that you are able to notice and are concerned about this:

I did notice today that he was very short with me. I asked how he was and he said a one worded "okay". I followed up by asking if his work day went smoothly and he did not respond. Not sure why he did not.

 

And also aware of this:

Today I found out he is also talking to old female co-worker for the past few days that lives in another state. Should I still continue contacting him at this pace or back off a bit?

 

Would make me suggest that you back off a bit, for your own sake.

 

I'm not saying don't talk to him, just ease off on the prodding on every detail that goes on. Spend that time and energy worrying about yourself.

 

Again my opinion only. I hope others disagree. It's best to have several viewpoints so that you may chose whichever relates best to you.

[JasmineBarnes]

Okay with this new lady in the mix I am becoming worried (just found out about her a second ago by me asking a mutual friend). He does not know I know about this and I will not tell him. I am trying not to panic. They have been talking a few days. He also ignored my last text. I will not mention it or over react but how does this change things?

[JasmineBarnes]

Is it pretty normal for a guy in this situation to be hurt and not initiate conversation at all or should i be worried?

[Ralph79]

It's pretty normal for a guy in any situation to ignore a text if he's been hurt. Specially if he's been contacted first 12 out of the past 14 days as you stated.

 

You are surrendering your power to this guy little by little. You love him. He cares about you. Trust him to not do something stupid. I'd suggest try and get your mind off it. I won't say do NC, just don't be predictable.

 

I don't think that changes anything. She's out of state. She just might be providing him with the resolve to restraint himself from contacting you through emotional support. I really don't know. But in my opinion (and again the only opinion that ultimately matters is yours), this doesn't change anything unless you freak out.

[JasmineBarnes]

What do you mean by not being predictable? How do I do that?

[Ralph79]

It had been a while since you contacted him when he broke his NC with you.

Had you kept texting/calling/emailing him, he would've never gotten back in touch with you.

 

You gave him the space to sort out his feelings and miss you. Thus he called you. If he's not replying, that means you might be better off giving him that space again. Let him wonder why you haven't texted him today. Tomorrow. This week. He will get in touch with you. Don't be cold. Don't pretend to be indifferent either. But don't smother him. Be unpredictable.

 

I agree with DSP, the fact that he called you makes me believe he wants to work things out. So there's hope. Just be patient. It's like a fire that's burning. Get too close too soon and you'll put it out. Get too far and it dies.

 

Sorry if I'm not making better sense, got a slight headache but my point is relax. And keep posting if it makes you feel better.

[JasmineBarnes]

Sorry about your headache,

 

My concern here is that there was only a small window of him missing me because he was either lonely or did not have any woman to distract him from me not being around.

Now that this other woman has popped up I am afraid that he may not miss me anymore

[Ralph79]

No worries. I appreciate your concern (about the headache)

 

In regards to your concern about him not missing you anymore...

 

There's a saying

 

Wanting is not as intense a feeling as Having.

 

He missed you. He wanted to contact you. You fulfilled that need he had. You've been contacting him daily ever since. He no longer "needs" to contact you. He "HAS" you already. Thus he's no longer eager to reply back. He has you right where he wants you (consciously or subconsciously).

 

I would say the other woman is irrelevant at this point. But I'm a stranger miles away who has no idea of his degree of interaction with her. You know him better than me. But from the looks of it, I think his lack of feedback has more to do with your recent interactions with him, than her.

[JasmineBarnes]

Thank you. I have never been on the receiving end of asking a lover for forgiveness to this magnitude. I was not really sure how I should try to redeem myself. I thought people in the doghouse are supposed to profess their love from the mountain tops while asking for forgiveness and jump over hurdles to prove that they are sorry. Maybe that is only in the movies.

Since my last text was ignored, I will try once more next week maybe.

[LoveMyCat]

Sorry about your headache,

 

My concern here is that there was only a small window of him missing me because he was either lonely or did not have any woman to distract him from me not being around.

Now that this other woman has popped up I am afraid that he may not miss me anymore

 

If he can be distracted so easily, he will be again and again. I would just leave it, until you hear from him. He knows how you feel, you have made that clear. If he wants you back, he will let you know and he should have to earn it. If you do end up reconciling or even "dating" counseling is in order for you both, in my opinion. Nothing magically improves on its own.

[JasmineBarnes]

I screwed up with him so I doubt that he feels he should "earn me back." I know he is still hurting from what I said during the argument. If I back off by not calling then he make think I do not care.

[Ralph79]

"About 2 weeks ago, he texted me randomly and said he had forgiven me. He said that he thought of me everyday and that he would always love me. I responded politely and said that I would love him always too."

 

You two are married. You made a vow to work things out no matter what. It's clear you are trying. He is not. Do you really think mere words you said in the heat of the moment are enough for him to END his vow? I would say you are over thinking things.

 

I remember the moral of a story I once heard. A man cheated on his wife early in their marriage. He left and repented. He came back and asked for forgiveness every day for the next 10 years. She treated him like crap. Humiliated him in front of friends, and kept rubbing his mistake in his face every day. He was faithful and loving throughout all of this.

 

On their 20th anniversary she said "I forgive you".

 

He got up and told her: "Screw you. I paid my dues. It is not your place to forgive anything anymore." And left her. Never came back.

 

Moral is, if you are going to forgive someone, then do so wholeheartedly. You apologized and meant it. He forgave you already. His attitude shouldn't have anything to do with what happened. And if it does then he has a problem.

[LoveMyCat]

I screwed up with him so I doubt that he feels he should "earn me back." I know he is still hurting from what I said during the argument. If I back off by not calling then he make think I do not care.

 

How many times do you want/need to apologize? Every time you call him? It is up to you obviously, but I wouldn't call anymore. Let him call you next.

[Mr. Lucky]

About 2 weeks ago, he texted me randomly and said he had forgiven me. He said that he thought of me everyday and that he would always love me. I responded politely and said that I would love him always too.

Since then, we've been in contact everyday. I will text him once a day and he always responds even though it takes a while. Out of the 2 weeks I have initiated contact once a day except twice when he has. The time that he initiated contact he said that he was reminiscing on a memory we shared. He has started to ask about my day and such.

 

You're assigning too much value (and mis-labeling) to his "contact". What kind of time investment is involved in a text - 30 seconds? Certainly doesn't indicate much emotional effort on his part. I'm going to assume the two of you live in the same area so, if he really wanted to contact you, would be easy for him to call or come by.

 

You've made your feelings clear. Back off and let him do the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JasmineBarnes]

Thanks for the reply. Again the reason I am taking so much value to a small text message is because I screwed up. I cannot expect him to chase me when I said so many harsh things that I regret in the heat of the moment. In that moment I said "I regret marrying you" "F you" "I am only using you as a babysitter".... I apologized but I know that it still hurts him and he can't trust my true feelings for him so I do not expect some grand gesture to win me back. Im luck that he is even responding to me now.... I would not be going out of my way to contact me if I was him either.

You all still think it's a good idea for me to back off? Wouldn't that be saying the things I said were true.

[Ralph79]

Im luck that he is even responding to me now....

 

If you truly believe this, then I regret to tell you that you've lost any chance of a healthy relationship.

 

We're allowed to make mistakes in the heat of the moment. They were words spoken. They weren't true.

 

Do you really regret marrying him?

Is he really merely a babysitter for you?

 

You're putting yourself down too much. And you're giving him too much power over you. You are going to get hurt.

 

For the sake of perspective I'll tell you something about my experience with my xWife (I hate bringing her up but it might help you understand)

 

- My X confessed she aborted the only kid we were expecting because she wanted one with her XBF. Not me.

- She confessed to marrying me for $ after I failed to provide her with properties under her name.

- She left , called the marriage off (separated) to be with her BF then pleaded for another chance after telling me she repented months later.

 

I forgave her. I never brought any of this crap up ever again.

 

What did I get for my efforts? She left me again to be with her xBF, confessing they didn't have a place for themselves and her parents were abusive, so she decided to wait it out with me while he got a place.

 

I'm now divorced and although she has emailed me several times asking to remain friends, I will ignore her the rest of my life.

 

THAT , is something worth ignoring your once-partner about.

 

What you did, is forgivable.

[LoveMyCat]

Thanks for the reply. Again the reason I am taking so much value to a small text message is because I screwed up. I cannot expect him to chase me when I said so many harsh things that I regret in the heat of the moment. In that moment I said "I regret marrying you" "F you" "I am only using you as a babysitter".... I apologized but I know that it still hurts him and he can't trust my true feelings for him so I do not expect some grand gesture to win me back. Im luck that he is even responding to me now.... I would not be going out of my way to contact me if I was him either.

You all still think it's a good idea for me to back off? Wouldn't that be saying the things I said were true.

 

You already apologized, right? And people say crazy things in the heat of the moment all the time.

 

If you get back with him, are you going to spend your entire life watching every word you say? That won't be easy or much fun. Is he some sensitive plant that needs to be coddled every day? A person can either accept an apology or reject it. They don't get to make it a requirement that the person apologize constantly, at least not in a healthy, worthwhile relationship. If he wants you back, he will let you know.

[sandylee1]

Thanks for the reply. Again the reason I am taking so much value to a small text message is because I screwed up. I cannot expect him to chase me when I said so many harsh things that I regret in the heat of the moment. In that moment I said "I regret marrying you" "F you" "I am only using you as a babysitter".... I apologized but I know that it still hurts him and he can't trust my true feelings for him so I do not expect some grand gesture to win me back. Im luck that he is even responding to me now.... I would not be going out of my way to contact me if I was him either.

You all still think it's a good idea for me to back off? Wouldn't that be saying the things I said were true.

 

I know you are in pain right now and I'm sorry if I come over as being harsh.

 

My view is a little different on hearing what you said to him. He may have forgiven you, but he won't ever forget those words and a part of him will ALWAYS wonder if you really meant those things. I know it's a bit late now, but once said words can't be taken back and damage could have been done.

 

I'll be honest if those things were said to me, it could be enough to end the marriage, because I believe that many a true word are said in anger.

 

On the flip side if your husband was posting on a forum people would tell him, that your words meant something and that you were being truthful and he should detach from you and consider D to save himself from future hurt and pain.

 

You could straight up ask him if there is any chance for the two of you and consider MC.

[JasmineBarnes]

Thank you for your opinion. I do agree with you saying it will be hard for him to forget and it would be enough to end the marriage. He has a reason to feel that way but I can assure you that I did not mean those things. I understand why he would have a hard time believing that.

 

I honestly had already accepted that he would end our marriage during the time that he was ignoring me. I lost hope because I thought for sure he would divorce me.

 

Here is the thing. He did not. I am not sure why or even if he still plans to but he has not as of yet. I was surprised when he actually reached out to me. He still is not initiating contact and ignores 1 out of every 5 messages I have sent him but surprisingly he hasn't mentioned the word divorce. Until he does then maybe there is a tiny grain of hope somewhere in this situation.

 

I know it appears to be crumbs right now but there has been some positive interactions between us during the 2 weeks we have been back in contact.

 

I have been taking a no pressure approach by not mentioning anything about getting back together so I do not want to ask him to MC or even if there is a chance for us just yet. I will wait another few weeks of positive interaction before having that conversation.

 

In a way I feel that either 1) he is stringing me along until he finds someone else 2) he has not given up on marriage but his pride/pain will not allow him to give in that easily so he is playing hard to get for now or 3) he is unsure about things and testing me to see if I'm willing to jump hurdles for him assuring him that maybe the things I said in the argument were out of anger.