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Son doesn't want to go to Dads...


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I am starting a new thread for this, I recently posted a thread (Can't get past this... new here) - so I am still dealing with that thread and obviously very much struggling over it, but I have a problem that has been brewing and I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, and now today - I think it's really starting to become a more serious issue and I am so confused on what to do. I truly am.

 

Son is 13. Son visits his dad, 2x a week and every other weekend. It is a temporary order now, until divorce is final. I am residential parent and I was given sole custody. I was open to shared parenting, but the ex during a "settlement hearing" advised me - I would be sole custodian.

 

OK. So - EX has been extremely difficult in working with me, in regards to communication regarding our son. IMO, he hates me so much that he simply refuses to be decent or civil - unless it is to get his way. Then like magic, he turns cold again. Our son has some special needs, and there are times it is very important we discuss certain aspects of his life. And, he just is so very very difficult - that I honestly don't know what more I can do.

 

I can give some examples, just a few of many.

 

1. On a day, he was with his father directly after school until almost bedtime, it is that parents responsibility to go through homework, bookbag, and take-home folder. He was sent home, a very important letter that needed to be signed, and sent back the next day. I was not told about this letter, and got a call from the school the next day, informing me - I didn't sign it. I asked X why he didn't sign it, he ignored me.

 

2. I was told that son, started falling behind in Math, a subject I am no good at, and he does have a tutor - but the tutor had to stop for 2 months, so we've been doing our best. When I was told, he was falling behind, I informed the ex of this, and asked if he could help out a little more with his math homework. I was ignored completely. Not even asked, for more detail in what he was struggling with.

 

3. Today - and the reason I am here. I got a call from the school nurse, son is sick - can you come pick him up. OK. I go pick him up, and he comes home obviously sick and then he got upset - b/c tonight he is with his dad, but he wants to stay home (his dad doesn't have his own place, he shares a home with 5 other people in a tiny house) - so I didn't blame my son for not wanting to go tonight.

 

So, I texted his Dad - "Had to get son from school early, got a call from the nurse - he is sick". 3 HOURS went by, before I got any kind of reply. No, "Oh no, is he okay? Whats wrong?" NOTHING. This is a man who has no job, no nothing - no reason why he can't be replying sooner than this. He finally texted back "Ok, I'll be there to get him at 4". No, asking how he was doing, nothing.

 

So, I said - can you call your son, he wants to talk to you about tonight - he is definitely sick and seems to want to stay home tonight. I'll let you two talk about it. Because honestly! I am trying to remain neutral on all of this.

 

No reply, no call - nothing. So, my son starts calling him... he doesn't answer the call. So, son texted him "Dad, can I stay home tonight so I can rest?" - No reply, nothing. Finally about an hour after he was supposed to pick him up, he replies to son with "Ok, feel better". No more. Son seemed seriously relieved.

 

...more in the next post. I want to get this out there before it gets too long.

 

My question is, how do you handle situations like this? I am feeling really bad about this, and don't know what to say or do - I am not out to try and hurt my ex's feelings - and I almost feel like I should feel sorry for him, I know how I would feel if that happened to me. So, it's devastating.

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Okay - so, I started getting the feeling that son had more issues other than just being sick, and not wanting to go b/c of that. Because of the comments he has made in the past, etc. It just seems very obvious something more is going on in his little mind.

 

I know he is struggling with where his dad lives - he hates that, he says "I feel homeless, when I go to dad's" - and that is sad.

 

He has recently been complaining about his grandmother. He will text me when he is around her, and say things like "Grandma is being bossy - and no one cares" or he comes home, and tells me things like "Grandma is trying to get me to come live with her, and I don't want to!!"

 

He has asked me to talk to his Dad about it, and try to get him to see if those kinds of things could stop. So, I said Yes I will see what I can do. So, I have texted his Dad "I have some concerns regarding son, when can we talk?" and he will ignore me for hours.. then reply with "Maybe tomorrow?" So, that just upsets me, and I tell him to forget it, if he can't talk now. Hoping he would say, Oh okay - well if its important - what? But no. He just ignores that too - and never brings it up again - like he truly cares less.

 

So, I've yet to bring it up to him b/c honestly I'm afraid he won't do anything about it anyway - and maybe this is something I need to save for court/attorneys?

 

So, I talked to son tonight after I realized he was staying - I said to him, "Son - can you tell me if there is anything you'd like to change with how we're doing things now - are you happy the way it is - and do you want to reschedule another day with dad, maybe a day this weekend?"

 

He says "No - I'll see him next week, and I think I'm going over there too much. Do you think we can do 1 day a week? Or maybe just get rid of the weekdays altogether, and just do every other weekend?"

 

So now I am completely blown away. Wasn't expecting that at all. I said, Oh - well... are you sure that is what you want? He said, Yes.. I don't like going over there too much really. I said Oh okay. Well I will have to figure out what we can do. I seriously had no idea what to say, I still don't.

 

I need help! What do you do in this situation?!

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As for the reason for our divorce, ex had an affair and left me, filing for divorce 1.5 months later. I'd say for the first couple months, he was basically non-existent in both son and I's life. It was all about that girl, nothing else mattered. Not even our sons 13th Birthday party. Didn't show up to his party.

 

Then, after who knows what - I think she dumped him, he started wanting to be more in his life again.

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Is your ex reasonable, if you try to talk to him about this?

 

Does your son have an issue with his dad, or just hates where his dad lives and the instability of running back and forth?

 

Assuming his dad isn't abusive, you need to encourage their relationship. Talk to your ex about how to make your son feel more secure.

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No he isn't reasonable - that is the problem. I am trying to talk to him about this, and he is completely ignoring me - he always has, from day 1 of this divorce. It's like he could care less.

 

Definitely no abuse, unless you call "ignoring your child" abusive - I kind of think this is whats happening, but I can't swear to it.

 

The stories I get is, when he goes with his dad - it's "we watch TV, and dad is usually outside or in the other room talking with roommate". Or, we go to grandma and grandpa's house and dad falls asleep on the chair. You seldom hear things like "Dad and I did this, or Dad and I did that".

 

I keep hearing about encouraging relationship with Dad. Why is that? At what point do I say, this can't be healthy for him and he's going to end up getting depressed b/c of how much time he's taken from my home, to go be ignored at someone elses home?

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I personally think your son is old enough to now know his own mind. I think his mind needs to be honoured.

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So so I'm clear - I have always encouraged the relationship. I tell son, all the time Mom and Dad love him - and when he leaves with his Dad - I always say, Have Fun, I know you will! Or when he comes home, and he tells me what he did - I'll tell him how great that is, or isn't that nice - I'm glad you had fun with Dad!

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I think your son is old enough to be honoured by not playing the emotional game of what a great time you had or will have - i think that is very dishonouring to his feelings and emotions - unless ofcourse your son has some diability like autism etc and he can not think in his own right - but if your son is clear of mind at 13 years of age then he is not dumb and he knows exactly what is going on and that he does not like it.

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I completely agree with Art.

 

I think your son might be very confused about what's going on and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

Maybe he detests spending time with his dad in his current state, and he's afraid he might jeopardize any chance of a reconciliation if he stops going. He might feel like a pawn in a chess game played between you and your ex.

 

I think you might need to pay closer attention to your sons feelings and give him more opportunities to open up to you. He might be aware of your lingering feelings towards your eX, and maybe he's bottling up feelings because he doesn't want to be the reason you don't patch things up.

 

A 13 year old is much smarter than you think these days. But also can very easily have misguided feelings of guilt about this.

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GirlStillStrong

Sounds like dad is clueless. Or has depression.

 

At 13, your son is old enough to know whether or not he wants to go with his dad. You could speak to dad for him and tell him son does not like being dumped like that and wants to come with him only on weekends. But you need to make sure you are fulfilling your role as custodial parent, legally, so maybe call your lawyer and ask what you can do.

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I think I know what you're saying... it makes sense. My problem is, the court made us go to this "parenting" class - to "learn" how to parent as a divorced person I guess - and they drill it into your head to talk lovely things about the other spouse - and be sure to never say anything bad, or make him choose, etc. So - I think I went overboard, and maybe went too far with it.

 

My son has a fairly good idea, why we broke up. He won't come out and admit it yet, but he knows there was another woman - and the blame all goes to her right now. His father for the longest time could do no wrong, and still doesn't as far as he's admitted to me.

 

I asked him tonight, if he'd like to visit his Dad another day in exchange for missing tonight, and he's definitely not interested in doing this. He made that very clear.

 

I think my son wants his father to come home, that is the impression he gives me. He has asked me several times "Do you think Dad will come home?" "Do you want him to?" Then he will say something like "I do". Not sure if he's trying to get what I think, or want - or not. Maybe he is.

 

I never know how to answer those questions, so I just am honest and tell him - "Do I think he will come home? No - I don't" and "Do I want him to? I wish he never left, but, if he came home we would have a lot to work out"

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What would that mean, if I was fulfilling my role as custodial parent legally? I was never really given any kind of information on what that "legally" means. I'm kind of in the dark on this. I suppose I need to contact my attorney.

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Kids are very sensitive and smart. They see things that adults often miss.

 

Do what makes your son happiest while still covering yourself legally.

 

I hope things get better for you soon. Keep well.

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Standard-Fare

When you say your ex shares a tiny home with five other people, what exactly do you mean? Just trying to get a handle on how uncomfortable this environment is for your son. Do you think there are any legitimate safety/well-being concerns?

 

Total outsider's opinion:

 

As much as a d-bag as your ex may be, it's important for a kid to have his father in his life, and it doesn't sound like his dad has lost interest or isn't trying, necessarily -- but more that he's terrible at communicating and also has some more bridges to burn with YOU.

 

Unfortunately, most of this stuff probably needs to be hashed out with lawyers. It sounds like you and your ex are past the point of civil, rational discussion.

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I don't know.. I really don't know what to say.

 

Ex and I can't talk civilly, no. I try - because, unfortunately I still want him back as seen in the other thread - and I have tried the NC - and I've tried being nice, and giving him what he asks for - but this is like the first time I've asked him for something, and its only a discussion - it's not like I'm asking him to bring me milk or something. And, he won't do it. So, I feel completely used and walked on - that I've given him everything he's requested (help me w/ this or that) and when I eventually need something - he disappears and tells me to basically go away.

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He really honestly isn't trying to be a good father. I mean, yeah - he talks to him over text sometimes and comes and gets him on his scheduled visits (when he doesn't switch days around all the time) but - once he has him, he is often left behind for the roommates to watch him - or taken to his grandparents - where he doesn't want to be.

 

This is a man who supposedly has no job, at least isn't reporting one - and collecting welfare to live on - while his wife and son have to borrow money from my parents to live on - and he just gets the easy road - of calling all the shots, and never having to take responsibility?

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I have sole custody and that means I have the final say in all matters, including visitation.

 

Since you have sole custody also I suggest that you have your divorce settlement agreement read "husband will have reasonable and liberal parenting time to be agreed upon by both parties".

 

This way if you don't agree you get to make the call.

 

I paid my lawyer for wording like that but I'm passing it onto you for nothing.

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Amy, Awesome! Thank you - I will tell my attorney to put this in, I'll pay for her time to do it and I can't repay you - but hopefully a grateful Thank you will work! :) That is awesome. I like that a lot. So -- you don't have "scheduled" visits? Like, for example M - W and Every other Weekend? They are arranged according to the week? How do you like having to remain in contact with exhusband to keep up that schedule?

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Amy, Awesome! Thank you - I will tell my attorney to put this in, I'll pay for her time to do it and I can't repay you - but hopefully a grateful Thank you will work! :) That is awesome. I like that a lot. So -- you don't have "scheduled" visits? Like, for example M - W and Every other Weekend? They are arranged according to the week? How do you like having to remain in contact with exhusband to keep up that schedule?

 

For us we just figure it out as we go along.

 

In the beginning the kids were younger so he and I decided that every other weekend worked but a lot of times he wouldn't show so I stopped planning around his time. For example if my kids were invited to a birthday party and it was Dad's week I wouldn't RSVP 'no' anymore. My kids missed out on a lot of parties because I did and then Dad would not call or show up.

 

Instead if he decided to come for them I'd send the kids with a gift and let Dad know where and when and let him take them.

 

Now that they're older (16 and 17) they decide on their own. But when they were your son's age we set it up for every other weekend. If something comes up just let him know it can't happen in advance. If he's a good Dad he'll plan things that will make your son excited to go and have enough going on to keep your son busy.

 

I wouldn't do through the week during the school year because schedule and structure are too important to mess with at his age and disrupting his daily routine can have a negative impact on his grades.

 

But you'll work it out. You're lucky that your son is 13 and can have some say on his preferences.

 

And if you can't work it out, well then if Dad has a problem with it, you have your legal documentation that says you've complied because you just did not agree.

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My instinct is that your ex avoids talking to you about your son because he thinks you're trying to pull him into a conversation with you. He clearly doesn't want co-parenting to be a "togetherness" thing and doesn't want to have to talk to you.

 

That's hurtful, but you just have to deal with the reality of the parenting partner that you have. And the only way to do that is to be more informative and less solicitous of his time.

 

Also, please let go of the idea that you can make him do anything for your child. It's one of the things to grieve with a divorce - the loss of control over what happens with the other parent. If you don't, you're forever going to be outraged and stressed out about what he is and isn't doing. Your peace of mind is important, and to get there, you just have to accept things as they are. Luckily, your son is older and more self-sufficient, so this isn't as terrible as if he was a young child. Then it would be really hard to have an ex that wasn't picking up the slack on his parenting time because the child is more dependent.

 

So from now on, emotionless businesslike informative messages. Examples:

 

1) Email: "Hey ex, son is sick. He came home early for school. He's let me know that he wants to stay here and rest rather than come over. Unless I hear back from you, or you call son, I'll assume that you're okay with this plan." then a text right after "Just sent you a timely email about son. Please read it. Thanks!"

 

2) Email: "Just a heads up that son has been struggling with math. I am pretty hopeless at helping him with it, so I'm hoping you'll find some time to help him. The specifics I was told by the school are: ____. Thanks!"

 

3) Email: "Hey ex. Just wanted to let you know that I got a call from the school because there was an important form in son's backpack last night that didn't get signed. Could you remember to go through it when you have him - I know it's easy to forget sometimes. Thanks!"

 

4) In the matter of son confiding in you about grandma pressuring him, tell son he's old enough to talk to his dad about things that bother him. Tell him his two options are to approach his dad himself, or if he wants, you'll send his dad a heads-up about what he told you. That should be the extent of your involvement. If your son chooses you telling his dad, it should just look like "Hey ex, son and I had a talk today and he wanted me to give you a heads up about something that is bothering him. His grandmother keeps asking him to live with her, and it's making him feel upset. It may be worth it to talk to him about that and how he's feeling. Thanks!"

 

See the theme? You are not asking for interaction with him, you are not blaming, and you are keeping it short and sweet. Most of all, it's clear that you understand the new boundaries. There is nothing to prevent him from responding to you if he wants, but he doesn't need to interact with you to get the information.

 

This is just a way to parent effectively given the circumstances. I know it's not what you want, but it's the reality of what you've got to work with. Additionally, sending things in text and email means you always have a record of what you said to him. You never know if things will get contentious, so having a record is a good thing.

 

As for your son, please be very careful. I know you're aware of not saying anything bad about his dad, but your son knows what happened and he's worried about you. It would be natural for him to want to be "on your side", especially since he's a young male and would be protective of his mom (just as a daughter might be protective of dad's hurt feelings). Also, he probably feels what his dad did is wrong, so he wants to protect you.

 

You may want to talk to him about what's going on, and make sure he knows that you want him to have a relationship with his dad, and if part of the problem is that he worries about you, he's got to let that go. That, yes, you're sad right now, but you're going to be okay. And that while his dad is no longer married to you, he's always going to be his dad for the rest of his life, and it's important for a son to be with his dad.

 

Also, be very careful not to let your son slip into your emotional companion. That can happen sometimes with opposite sex kids, they'll turn into a little significant other in terms of being the person that the parent who is alone can turn to. Don't make him into your "little man", don't allow him to caretake your feelings. It's best he know that you're going to be fine, that being alone is okay, and that he should only worry about kid stuff since it's hard enough to be a teenager without feeling like you need to take care of your mom, too.

 

Sometimes we don't get the co-parenting relationship we want, and it's important to recognize it and change tactics so that conflict is reduced. Studies have shown that it is the lingering conflict after divorce that is hard on kids.

 

So start just telling your ex need to know information. And if there's a decision that needs to be made, tell him you welcome his input, but if you don't hear back within a reasonable timeframe (that you set), you will be deciding _____. If the decision needs to be made quickly either text the whole discussion, or email it and follow with a text to please check his email. Try to give him as much notice as possible. If you are constantly giving him only a couple of hours to respond, he'll feel controlled and manipulated even if that isn't your intent, and he'll be even less cooperative.

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