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Cheater ex-husband sent gift. Why???


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Since the divorce this past May, I've gone NC.

 

For Christmas, he sends an expensive gift , delivered by our daughter.

 

He cheated and is with his mistress, supposedly happy. He said he wanted me to move on bc he was now happy with this OW.

 

I respected his wishes and dissolved our 27 yr marriage.

 

Can anyone shed some light on this? This isn't the only gift since the split. Sent mother's day gift with daughter also. Why would anyone continue gifting an ex wife who they claimed to never really love. Just seems weird to me.

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Assuaging his guilt. He can tell himself he is a good guy because he buys you nice things and you accept them so all is well in his mind. Do you return the gifts? If not, I would. He made the decision to be out of your life so make sure he sticks to that.

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My ex use to buy me really expensive gifts at Christmas. Diamond jewelry and things like that when we were married.

 

My one sister at the time once said, "it's cause he treats you like crap all year"

 

Now we've been divorced for over nine years and he still sends me flowers on our wedding anniversary sometimes. It's creepy.

 

Maybe yours is looking to cheat on his mistress with you now? It's funny when you think about it really. Like karma.

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No I didn't return any of the gifts or plan on wearing/using them.

 

I think by returning the gift would be kind of re-engaging. For me, nc means complete dis-engage. He sent the gift without a note or card or message. ...nothing. So I just let it drop with a dull thudd...no response. ..no further contact.

 

This 52 year old midlife serial cheater fought me hard for his "freedom". Asserting that his younger mistress is the one.

 

I want to completely dissapper from his life and he should be ok with that, you'd think.

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It is creepy and makes me feel involved again.

I just wonder if he told his gf that he was sending me a gift. As a gf, I'd be uncomfortable with that.

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I think now that the dust has settled maybe he's trying to open the lines of communication again. He's probably past the anger stage and maybe now you can actually have a normal decent on a conversation with him

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If the gifts are coming on Christmas and Mothers Day, delivered by your daughter - are you sure they aren't gifts "to you, from your daughter" (but he pays for them, for her kind of thing)??

 

Ex and I just split up 6 months ago (divorce is filed), and we both helped our son pick out a gift for the other parent to deliver to each other on Christmas. I'm not sure what will happen on Mothers/Fathers Day and Birthdays - haven't gotten to those yet.

 

They weren't "expensive" though... I think we spent around $20 each.

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With all due respect Purepony, what conversation do we need to have.

 

I asked if we could talk it over and get counseling. He told me he was not interest in anything like that. He said he was finally happy and free and in love And would continue his affair. He told me to "move on with your life" .

 

What did he fail to tell me in the nearly three decades of knowing me?

 

He made himself clear. I was replaced. His mistress/gf is the one who completes him.

 

All I can do is now is respect the man's wishes, and depart from his presence. No contact is the only way to go.

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It doesn't have to be about the marriage for the divorce it could just be a friendship because of your daughter.

 

I don't know the whole background the story but maybe he said those things out of anger I'm not sure I have similar situation where I said a lot of things similar to that out of anger.

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I asked both kids if they knew about the gift and both said they had no idea or input.

 

He wrapped it and left the price tag of $650 on the back. Idk, he's an ebay shopper. ...maybe got on a one-day $5000 % off sale. Whatever,

regardless.

 

I just remember him forgetting birthdays, Valentine's, anniversaries, utter thoughtlessness.

 

Now is not the time for gifting. That time has passed.

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No I didn't return any of the gifts or plan on wearing/using them.

 

I think by returning the gift would be kind of re-engaging. For me, nc means complete dis-engage. He sent the gift without a note or card or message. ...nothing. So I just let it drop with a dull thudd...no response. ..no further contact.

 

This 52 year old midlife serial cheater fought me hard for his "freedom". Asserting that his younger mistress is the one.

 

I want to completely dissapper from his life and he should be ok with that, you'd think.

 

Forgive me but part of no contact is no gifts either. For future gifts, why not just send them back in the mail letting him know you do not want any in the future. The only thing these gifts are are guilt gifts to ease his conscience.

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It was always a troubled marriage. He said he wanted to feel free and didnt believe in marriage anymore. He had a few affairs before in the marriage. He said he never really loved me. What more could there be? I was never unfaithful. ....too busy doing laundry and dishes. Sometimes I wish I had. I'll never get those years back.

 

He didn't seem angry.....just relieved that I was leaving his life altogether.

 

I'm glad I was able to end his torture.

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I guess mailing them back sends the final message.

 

Just having trouble understanding human behavior. A person basically dumps their marriage and then later wants to sent gifts. Maybe to ease his conscience. A little late to suddenly get a conscience, imo.

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I guess mailing them back sends the final message.

 

I'd be tempted to donate them to the charity of your choice and send him a receipt with the message " a gift in your name has been donated to... " That might more clearly indicate your complete lack of interest - and you'd be doing a good thing ;) !!!

 

Mr. Lucky

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I guess mailing them back sends the final message.

 

Just having trouble understanding human behavior. A person basically dumps their marriage and then later wants to sent gifts. Maybe to ease his conscience. A little late to suddenly get a conscience, imo.

 

He wants to appear to be the good guy and manipulate the opinions of his child in his favour. Look at his method of delivery.

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No I didn't return any of the gifts or plan on wearing/using them.

 

I think by returning the gift would be kind of re-engaging. For me, nc means complete dis-engage. He sent the gift without a note or card or message. ...nothing. So I just let it drop with a dull thudd...no response. ..no further contact.

 

This 52 year old midlife serial cheater fought me hard for his "freedom". Asserting that his younger mistress is the one.

 

I want to completely dissapper from his life and he should be ok with that, you'd think.

 

Whatever it was he gave you, either give it away to goodwill or some other charity, woman's shelter etc...

 

Maybe he is trying to make peace, maybe he feels guilty, maybe he wants something and is buttering you up. Who knows, who cares right?

 

Keep on going with NC and only deal with him when you have to about your daughter.

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Mine has given me a gift for every occassion since he ended it and for christmas he put thousands into my account for me to do shopping for the kids ... hmmm guilt guilt guilt and it allows him to think he is being the bigger man still looking after the broken wife who he threw away

 

Human behavior i guess

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The thought did cross my mind that he is trying to improve his infidel image by showing our daughter "see! Dad's still a good guy!"

 

Btw, he also sent christmas money through the mail to my niece and nephew. This is so out of the way for him and no one expects anything.

 

He burned that bridge, yet he thinks we've all forgotten his cruel and hurtful behavior. Flaunting his mistress, love letters, telling everyone that he's finally happy in his life.

 

Great! Applause! The man is FINALLY happy! So now....move along.

Stop looking in the rear view mirror to see who you ran over.

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The thought did cross my mind that he is trying to improve his infidel image by showing our daughter "see! Dad's still a good guy!"

 

Btw, he also sent christmas money through the mail to my niece and nephew. This is so out of the way for him and no one expects anything.

 

He burned that bridge, yet he thinks we've all forgotten his cruel and hurtful behavior. Flaunting his mistress, love letters, telling everyone that he's finally happy in his life.

 

Great! Applause! The man is FINALLY happy! So now....move along.

Stop looking in the rear view mirror to see who you ran over.

 

He does this to feel like a good guy so end that for him. Refuse any future gifts. He ended the role of nice family guy when he decided to walk out on you and your family. Make no mistake, his giving the gifts to your daughter to give to you is very deliberate and manipulative. He could mail them if you getting the gift was so important, but it is not. The only thing important in this to him is appearing to be benevolent and nice so his image is not so tarnished.

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SycamoreCircle
With all due respect Purepony, what conversation do we need to have.

 

I asked if we could talk it over and get counseling. He told me he was not interest in anything like that. He said he was finally happy and free and in love And would continue his affair. He told me to "move on with your life" .

 

What did he fail to tell me in the nearly three decades of knowing me?

 

He made himself clear. I was replaced. His mistress/gf is the one who completes him.

 

All I can do is now is respect the man's wishes, and depart from his presence. No contact is the only way to go.

Completes his narcissism. Completes his selfishness.

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Option 1: Guilt-relief.

Option 2: If OW doesn't work out, maybe he can return to you because all those gifts will support him saying "You know all this time I actually loved you, you alone". A real classic.

 

I'd throw them away or give them away for charity. Don't keep anything that reminds you of him.

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This man is a narcissist.

 

The day that I decided to not solely focus/worship him was the day he had to discard and replace.

 

He told me many times that he always has a back up plan. Narcissists always have supply tucked away somewhere.

 

He can try to polish himself but his reputation is shot to hell.

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Do you like the gifts he sends?

 

If so sod it - keep them and assume they are from your daughter not him. Say thank you to her for them. There is no card its her passing them over ergo they are from her not him.

 

If not stick them back on ebay or send them back.

 

If you don't want them then ask her to take them back when they are still wrapped.

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