Jump to content

For 11 months i have been in a bad emotional place


Recommended Posts

and i am happy to say i am so excited for my now and my future.

 

He ended our marriage when i was very sick. He got the huge income and the kids and everything else - i got a disability pension and a town where i knew no-one - no family or friends - i isolated and became a hermit. I blamed myself and begged him all via text message - i asked him please could we sort this out - he said no reason too he wants to be alone. I told him i am so sorry i got so sick - everyday i begged and all the while i went madder then a cut snake.

 

Everyday 10 to 20 messages a day passed between us and finally i would beg and plead my emotions and grief at loosing my entire family and he would never respond to that final message.

 

When he ended our marriage my thyroid had gone overactive and i was having at least 20 panic attacks a day - i couldnt even leave our bedroom i was so sick and there was nothing the doctors could do to help me - then my thyroid went so underactive and i became so depressed and would forget everything and over and under it went - he knew this would go on for up to a year until the thyroid decided it would die or live ans he knew the mental state this was leaving me in - the doctors told him all i needed was support to help me thru it and instead he choose to end the marriage and put me out into a world i could not cope with.

 

After 11 months of begging and going thru sheer mental health issues from a thyroid that wouldnt quit - i realised something - i deserve better then what he gave me - i deserved so much better. It was not my fault that i became ill - i had stood by him and held him and his kids up thru the worst times of their lives - i had taken on his four children and made them my own with the death of their mother - i had loved them all and raised them all thru the good and the bad and i had loved them and i deserved the support of a loving family - not being turned out of a home and left to fend for myself.

 

And so in his guilt at doing this - he bought me a new car - this car is now 11 months old and has only a few thousand kilometres on it because i have been too mentally sick to even go anywhere.

 

I have a broken back and so i will never work again.

 

In his guilt he went for settlement - he is about to pay me a very tidy sum of money.

 

In 14 years of marriage i never once got taken out and that was my biggest complaint - please can we go out for a night - please. And in 14 years he never took me out.

 

So he sends me a text message - made out it was too his daughter but i know he sent it to me deliberately with her name in it - her and my name are very different lol so he sends me this text which lets me know he is out having a really good night.

 

While i have been alone begging him for our marriage and my family.

 

I replied to him that he sent the message to the wrong person and he came back with oh im sooo sorry --- and then another message --- sorry --- and i replied at 11 oclock at night - please remove my phone number thankyou.

 

And i filed for divorce.

 

I know one thing now - he is a sack of ****. To do that to a woman he claimed he loved and would reach out in the morning too and say i love you and the one time i got really sick and needed his help - he walked away - he is a sack of ****.

 

So i have a new car and a tidy some of money and i am now an incredible artist because in all this time of insanity - i turned to art and learnt i am pretty amasing.

 

I do not love him - i do not hate him - i think he is a sack of **** and i deserve better but that dosent mean i hate him - i just want him to go away now and leave me alone.

 

And health wise - the thyroid finally quit about 4 weeks ago and that section of my life now appears to be over.

 

I am ready now to cease being a hermit - go find myself a cute little apartment by the beach - have his kids over for dinner when they come visit me - and love the kids as i have always done.

 

So thats my rave and i have now documented that and expressed and im free - i have read this forum all the way thru this and you folks have no idea how you saved my sanity and my life - none of you know me but thankyou - thankyou - thankyou

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thankyou Girl - survived and thriving

 

For all those out there just starting the journey - let them go - and tell them not to let the door hit them on the way out

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Very good news, very good attitude and outlook. Be sure to have regular blood work to know your thyroid levels at all times. Yes, art is the great outlet - I am so happy you are no longer "hiding under the bed!" Bravo! Yas

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thankyou Yasuandio

 

My thyroid is still monitored every two weeks thru blood tests - soon that will drop to every month then three months then they will clear me or if it goes again - they will deem the thyroid dead and start medication.

 

I am at present selling off an old life - things i do not want or need - because that is also a result of his guilt - he made sure i got everything and i mean everything - so im selling all that off now - and get myself down to bare minimum of furniture - i have my car and soon settlement and theres a whole new world out there for me.

 

I have no doubt he will regret his decision. His children are young adults and come to see me as i am very much loved by them and i do not doubt that once i am firmly back on my feet - he will make his way back - but i will never forget what i have been thru and i will never forget the state he left me in - i can never love or be with a man like that.

 

I would rather go life alone now and just enjoy what life brings to me

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thankyou Yasuandio

 

My thyroid is still monitored every two weeks thru blood tests - soon that will drop to every month then three months then they will clear me or if it goes again - they will deem the thyroid dead and start medication.

 

I am at present selling off an old life - things i do not want or need - because that is also a result of his guilt - he made sure i got everything and i mean everything - so im selling all that off now - and get myself down to bare minimum of furniture - i have my car and soon settlement and theres a whole new world out there for me.

 

I have no doubt he will regret his decision. His children are young adults and come to see me as i am very much loved by them and i do not doubt that once i am firmly back on my feet - he will make his way back - but i will never forget what i have been thru and i will never forget the state he left me in - i can never love or be with a man like that.

 

I would rather go life alone now and just enjoy what life brings to me

 

It is a good feeling to start fresh, with few possessions. I just did this in December. I feel reborn, lol, in my little, clean apartment, furnished only with things I like and not too many of them. I left behind years and years of junk...my husband asked me to leave, so I figured he could deal with the falling-down house and the decade and a half of junk accumulated, all of which I had frown to hate. I too have health issues and used to have nightmares about that house...would it ever be clutter-free, how could it ever be sold, shown to prospects, etc. as I am unable to do more than light cleaning, and he did none at all.

 

Ugh. Sorry to ramble...but you will soon see for yourself how freeing it can be to have another chance. I am not hostile toward my husband as he was going through a lot of tough problems, mental and physical, of late, but he was never going to be his old self again. I was so relieved when he asked me to move out.

Good luck and take care.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

LoveMyCat - i get you :) i am on a declutter site and its awesome just having people come around and watch stuff walk out the door - every thing that goes is a freeing feeling to me - a few bucks in my pocket but a chain gone from my neck -- i guess he couldnt wait to see the back end of me because he packed everyyyyything lol

 

2 truck loads if i wanted to move - we had a 5bedroom house and 4 kids - hmm yes thankyou i needed everything even down to their vitamins and bandaids

 

What i dont sell will be thrown in the bin and i will wipe my hands of all of this - a man that can do that to his wife is not a man for me

Link to post
Share on other sites
ShatteredLady

I got my Art Journal & a big canvas out yesterday. I've found in life that distraction, turning to a passion which is all mine is the best therapy! I'm bloody good too. Not just a burnt out, crippled house wife who's failing because the house isn't spotless. I've always tried to grab moments for my art. Now I'm going to throw myself in! Thank you. ;-)

 

You are an inspiration to me. I'm right at the start of this nightmare. I'm still in shock & can't stop crying. (I'm the woman told after 25years that my husband wants out by FORUM POST!!). Reading this forum is making me so sad...I'm a hapless romantic who needs to accept the reality of the world & find some strength. Your post has helped more than you could ever know! It's the first time I feel like I can breath since this started.

 

Thank you!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Shattered - big hugs hon - hang in there hey - no dont just hang in there - go thrive!!! I managed to turn my head around listening to lots of abraham hicks on youtube - i listened to everything that was said on divorce and relationships and finally i got it - let him go and find my own happy place. I found it and thankfully i had used art for 11 months to save my sanity.

 

I just finished a one metre by one metre of heath ledger and it looks amasing - i wish i could show you but the painting would identify me on here.

 

Draw - paint - do what you have to do. I think in many ways the worst thing i did was isolate myself - i wish i could have found the emotional and mental strength but i couldnt - i was just too sick.

 

I relied on those 10 to 20 texts a day because that meant he loved me and if only i could get well - he would come back - what a load of hogwash i was thinking - why the hell would i even want someone that could put me out in that state.

 

I got my court papers yesterday - it shows what i have been awarded in court and he has to pay me and it never gave me joy and it never gave me sadness - it just made me feel i would be ok in the new life i am creating.

 

My life is now that blank canvas and in 12 weeks i can move and go to the beach and for now i just keep selling my stuff i dont want.

 

You hang in there girl - thrive and shine - the POS is not worth it and boyyyy did i have mine on a pedestal as god. Boy i could slap myself silly for some of those texts i have sent him haaaaaaaa onward and upward hon - in 3 weeks i turn 50 and i am really happy to do that

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

No Limit - what he did to me was pathetic - he walked in on my birthday and ended the marraige - i was night blind because the thyroid had not only effected my emotions and sanity - it had affected my adrenals and that buggered my eyesight - i also could not be around perfumes - all my senses had gone hyper - what he did was cruel and when i look back on the condition i was in - i give self a hug.

 

I got in my car at 4.30 pm and by dusk i was on the ranges trying to get to my family. Then night fell and i couldnt see a thing. I travelled at 5klm an hour down the other side of the ranges - unable to see and praying i would not go over the edge and yet hoping i would.

 

I was a mess.

 

I held his kids up at their mothers funeral - i deserved better then what he gave me.

 

I deserve better then what i gave myself - apologising for getting sick - apologising for being a bad wife. Gosh i could just give myself a big hug.

 

All i needed was a year for the thyroid to go right. In the end it was 8 months and the thyroid settled.

 

Today i have to go for a heart test to make sure the thyroid going rampant did not cause any heart damage and i am pretty certain i will walk away clear of it all.

 

I know what is right and i know what is wrong - and what he did is wrong and cowardly. I have a girlfriend who is dieing of cancer - she just spent two days with me and all she wanted was a hug and so i laid beside her on my bed and i held her.

 

I would rather him have done this to me over a stupid thyroid then over something major like cancer. He showed me who he is and its not something i like or want to know.

 

I am happy now to go into my new life as an amasing artist. I smile now. I can laugh at a joke. I can come here and share my story and receive support and offer support.

 

I have the personal strength and love to lay beside my friend and hold her.

 

I am not bitter. I am sad for the old me of 11 months ago but really proud of the me today.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

What i dont sell will be thrown in the bin and i will wipe my hands of all of this

 

Call a charity and have them come collect anything usable you don't sell. I hate things that are usable going to waste. I am also big on anti-clutter, so anything I don't use but that someone else might I either ask at church or just donate elsewhere.

 

Have you gotten new furnishings yet? Things you like? I love going online to used listings and finding something unique or odd that appeals to me and making it mine.

 

Last time I needed new living room furniture I found the most awesome unique screaming red sofa and loveseat set for $100. It was in excellent shape and super comfortable. I practically did some kind of primitive woman found a super bargain dance. Took me weeks of stalking my prey, which was great fun, and then I finally got what I was looking for. I have a lot of fun that way and meet some interesting people.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Oh i am having a moment - his daughter just sent me a photo of the house they are living in - he has a huge beautiful home while i am in a little shoe box that is so hot and its a dump.

 

When my back broke we sold a business that was started by my family and set him up in this business where the money is huge -

 

Gee no wonder he has no care factor to leave a broken sick wife - he has moved house - to something beautiful - he has the huge income and the kids to cook all of his meals - no need for me - gees this makes me sick to my stomach.

 

What a POS

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes i have often wondered that - saw a sucker who would raise his kids :) so i did it and now im out the door - thats ok

 

He can have his nice beautiful home - it was a moment that has now passed - i take his money in 2 weeks - i have just been notified :)

 

Money wont ever repair what was done to me but it will sure make it easir for me to start a new life as an incredible amasing artist :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

People say money can't buy you happiness - and indeed it doesn't. But frankly, having some isn't bad either and since you live alone now you don't need a palace, but like you wrote, a little house near the beach or with a great view does raise the living standard.

 

Are you going to promote your art via internet? (deviantArt, tumblr)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Promoting my art i am not to sure how to go about it - the piece i have just created is mega awesome - i have an artgroup on facebook - i am thinking of selling this piece on ebay - i have sold a few pieces - portraits of famous people thru markets and achieved really good money but im too broken in my back to put tents up etc so i am thinking i might stick with ebay. I dont know much about deviantart or tumblr?

 

I got a message of him today and settlement is 14 days - he went on to tell me what a wonderful wife i was and he is sorry it came to this. I told him my heart test came back as being good - i survived thyroxine and adrenals without damaging my heart - he said he was so happy for me and he hopes i make a wonderful life and what an amasing artist i am and he is so proud.

I told him what he did to me was cruel. The state he left me in was cruel. I told him i deserve better. He said yes you do.

 

His kids have been messaging me this afternoon telling me they are so happy my heart was not damaged and that they love me and i will always be mum.

 

In some ways i will always be mum but so much is now gone. They have to stand by their dad even though they think what he has done is rotten.

 

He is their dad and i am just step mum.

 

The money is enough for me to go start a new life. I dont need much. The beach sounds awesome.

 

The grass is never greener on the other side - the grass is greener where we water it. I know this but i cant water in a town where i know noone - i want to go back up to my family and start living again.

 

I dream of that little flat near the beach - i have alot of emotional scars that need to be expressed thru art and in all honesty those types of things make the most finest artist hahahaha wish i could show you the piece i just did. Heath Ledger as the joker - its in my room and during the night it scares the bazookers out of me lol

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I awoke this morning to the rain - what a beautiful sound - a perfect morning.

 

Love going out to all those who are just starting their journey.

 

I am listening to the rain and thinking of my new life ahead. A beautiful small apartment. Clean and smelling fresh. A walk along the beach. Painting art and selling it. Going out to dinner and a movie - walking the sidewalks of the streets filled with people and places and things to see and do.

 

Id like to be retrained and to have a small part time job. I want to laugh and enjoy and one day hold hands with a man i love. One day.

 

I want to sit and fish - just fish with no real intent of ever catching one.

 

I want to sit on a plane - maybe even with no real intent of flying anywhere. LOL i am so scared of planes.

 

I want to live.

 

I came so close to death. The problems i had should have killed me but i survived and i thrived.

 

I feel today so free - i feel that my marraige wasnt as perfect as i thought it was and it does not matter anymore. I know he is coming back - he is making his way back - and i know once bitten twice shy - i cant go backward.

 

I want to go forward into a life i have yet not known and yet one which i am creating in my mind. Friends and art groups - enjoying life.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Promoting my art i am not to sure how to go about it - the piece i have just created is mega awesome - i have an artgroup on facebook - i am thinking of selling this piece on ebay - i have sold a few pieces - portraits of famous people thru markets and achieved really good money but im too broken in my back to put tents up etc so i am thinking i might stick with ebay. I dont know much about deviantart or tumblr?

 

deviantArt is the artist community in the internet. Digital art, classic art, photography, they're all there! tumblr too has many artists now but they're less popular there since most things posted is "random stuff". Either way, whenever you put one of your pieces in the internet it's always wise to put a watermark on it. ;)

 

And give me a holler should you ever paint/draw horses!

 

As for the rest - I think your ex wasn't looking for a partner, he was looking for a mom. Someone to take care of things for him with him not giving too much effort in return.

 

As for sitting and fishing without intending to catching one - easier said than done! When I was ~11 I think me and a buddy just sat down at the lake and didn't expect anything to happen either, until suddenly something pulled really harshly and with a lot of force on our fishing rod. Out of the water jumped a real big pike, then the fishing rod broke. :lmao:

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...