Movingforward2 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 XW and I have been divorced a year. She filed in summer of 2013.....Here it is 1.5 years later, and despite my username...honestly I'm still having trouble moving forward. It's like a double life. We have 2 daughters and can spend some "family time" together during the week, and then on the weekends we are both going out doing our thing. We maintained an intimate relationship off and on, and March-November were kind of sort of working it out (or so I thought).....since then, everything has changed. We did the holidays together, but NYE she was out and I was out....she has told mutual friends that she is looking to move on, and again I feel stuck. I've tried everything...dating, getting out of the house, new hobbies, everything I've read, googled, etc. I was in counseling for a year....dropped out, now I'm back in. I can't get this out of my head. I feel like if you name it, I've tried it, and can't get out of this rut. I've personally had a lot of self-improvement....but have a long way to go. I've always been confident, outgoing, etc. and this really affected my psychy. Once spring gets here, our kids are both involved in sports to the point I have to see her every day, and I don't know which way to go. I try to get going, she dangles the carrot, and then once I get back, she turns the other way. It's a constant Yo-Yo......When I try to look at it objectively, she isn't the same person I was married to at all....but part of me somehow after all this _____ thinks we can work it out. My oldest daughter is leaving for college in the fall, and i think this will crack the shield she has put up. Our closest friends are really concerned (after some of them were definitely her side in the beginning) and worried about her behavior. Don't get me wrong, I've been on a binge the last month, but after thinking about it....this isn't what I want to do anymore. Hardest thing I've ever been through........ Anyone else ever done this crap? Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 MF2 I think the problem is that you guys were still kind of working on it from March to November. So even though you have been divorced you have still had the hope that you could get back together. Unfortunately that means that you are in the early stages of the actual breakup. To me it sounds like she has been keeping you around as a fallback option in case the single life does not work out. You need to go NC except for the kids. That will be the only way you can begin to actually move forward. I am only 4 months since accepting it being over but I believe i am moving forward. If my wife and I behaved like you 2 I would still be stuck. I am sure of it. Hopefully someone who is on the other side can provide more input. Good luck man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforward2 Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 You are probably right......it just flat out sucks. We are very cordial, can be in the same room, watch TV "as a family" and then I go to where I'm currently living. She has a couple of "new" girlfriends that aren't exactly "girlfriends" in my book, but no one can can criticize or tell her anything or she will shut them down. Again, I look at the situation, and the same thing happened last year in January/February....and I can see us getting into the muck again. Our oldest daughter leaves for school in August, which I think will be very difficult....and figured if I could get to there, it would possibly work its way out. Some days I think it may work, and others I can't figure out. And it's exhausting trying.....I've tried to "quit" trying, but something always pulls me back in. As others have said....it's really unbelievable how a person changes when they snap. Life was so much easier 2 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I've never been married so I've never been divorced but I have been through a lot of break-ups so I'm rather expert at getting through them now. Here are some of my observations/feedback. First is that I notice that men, regardless of what they want to admit, typically follow the woman's lead when it comes to relationships. If the woman signals it's on, then it's on. If not, then it's not on. Ask yourself if this is what has been happening. If your answer is yes, then give it a little thought, at least over night, and then ask yourself if this is really how you want to live your life. Do you really want to continue to base your decisions about your life, how you live it, and how you feel, on what this woman (who you used to call your wife) wants? Second, I have learned that if you do not get real clear about what you want out of your life, you will pretty much settle for whatever comes along, and usually just accept whomever wishes to enter. But people NEED stronger boundaries than that. So, spend some time not trying to achieve anything, or grow yourself, or change yourself or anything like that, but instead get to know yourself again. What are your favorite colors? Favorite foods? Favorite things to do? Think back to high school and grade school and try to remember what you did back then. Usually what we did as kids were the things we liked. Also think about your hopes and dreams. Start your bucket list. Cut pictures of stuff that appeals to you out of magazines and create a vision board. Actively focusing on what YOU want will help you to be able to set appropriate boundaries because you can then evaluate every circumstance you are approached with as to whether or not it fits into your vision for your life. It does not matter what she is doing or why. It only matters how you let her behavior affect you. But I will say your X is a confused woman who has no direction. When she meets some other guy she will then find a new direction and drop you like a hot potato. It is ridiculous you continue to play Family when you have divorced. IDK how much money you both spent getting the divorce but do you both always waste so much money on such things? What was the point in paying for the divorce in order to have experiences separate from one another when you are just staying together? Third, someone needs to take control of the situation and guide everyone towards the future. Are you waiting for her, the person who wanted the divorce in the first place, to do this? If so, once she does I doubt you will be happy with where you wind up. Time to take responsibility for your own life and start steering your life in the right direction. This also means steering her in the right direction, too, that is, out of your hair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforward2 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Good post. I agree with your assessment. I don't think I settled in the beginning....but it's confusing. I deserve better and some clarity, but can't get going doing it. Everything you have described about doing I've tried. I know I need to take control as she has had it the past 18 months. She feels like she wasn't a priority during our marriage....I have no clue what her real thoughts are as i think she is messed up as well. This woman is the room mom at our kids school, and on weekends hanging in bars and doing things she hasn't done in forever. No, I won't be happy with the arrangement, but take it right now because of our daughters although it's painful. I can at least see them everyday with our arrangement, and then on weekends it's like single life. Everyone says it's much easier to break off when you can find someone that has the same interests and everything as you do. But I'm having a hard time finding that. I'm not limiting myself to waiting, but I haven't been able to find something else better to do. So therefore, I've been "waiting" for her to snap out of it, I guess. Everything I read says they never snap out of it unless you date someone else, or hit rock bottom at some point. What I would like is a normal family life like I had 2 years ago....have no clue how to get there....... Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Good post. I agree with your assessment. I don't think I settled in the beginning....but it's confusing. I deserve better and some clarity, but can't get going doing it. Everything you have described about doing I've tried. I know I need to take control as she has had it the past 18 months. She feels like she wasn't a priority during our marriage....I have no clue what her real thoughts are as i think she is messed up as well. This woman is the room mom at our kids school, and on weekends hanging in bars and doing things she hasn't done in forever. No, I won't be happy with the arrangement, but take it right now because of our daughters although it's painful. I can at least see them everyday with our arrangement, and then on weekends it's like single life. Everyone says it's much easier to break off when you can find someone that has the same interests and everything as you do. But I'm having a hard time finding that. I'm not limiting myself to waiting, but I haven't been able to find something else better to do. So therefore, I've been "waiting" for her to snap out of it, I guess. Everything I read says they never snap out of it unless you date someone else, or hit rock bottom at some point. What I would like is a normal family life like I had 2 years ago....have no clue how to get there....... A normal family life? You mean with her? You can't have that. I know it's comfortable but time to change up. I disagree about meeting someone who has the same interests. I think you need to have sex with someone other than your ex. That'll get you moving in another direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforward2 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Girl, I've tried that.........didn't make me feel any better. LOL. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 It may be difficult for you because you continue participating with her. Stop participating and you may find yourself moving forward knowing full well that you've made the decision that it's over and your new life begins. In other words - communicate with her as little as possible. Stick to a solid schedule with the kids and don't change it. Less need to communicate with her that way. And no texting or calling unless one of the kids has an extreme emergency (like going to the hospital). When you disengage - you will feel free from her manipulative tactics. Do it for you. Do it because you deserve better than what she's offered you. Do it because you deserve to be happy! In order to do that you must let go of what doesn't work - and she is part of what doesn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforward2 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 It may be difficult for you because you continue participating with her. Stop participating and you may find yourself moving forward knowing full well that you've made the decision that it's over and your new life begins. In other words - communicate with her as little as possible. Stick to a solid schedule with the kids and don't change it. Less need to communicate with her that way. And no texting or calling unless one of the kids has an extreme emergency (like going to the hospital). When you disengage - you will feel free from her manipulative tactics. Do it for you. Do it because you deserve better than what she's offered you. Do it because you deserve to be happy! In order to do that you must let go of what doesn't work - and she is part of what doesn't work. Agree. Appreciate the advice. I'm hoping I can stick with it. I obviously don't want to do this forever, and deserve better. It's tough for sure, and i'm looking forward to the day I can get re-settled and share in some fun things. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You divorced. Why aren't you participating like you're divorced? Stop having any sex with her (it confuses the mind). No need to spend any time with her. No need to go on vacation with her or spend holidays together. Begin by making a conscious decision to be completely separate from her. Go on vacation without her. Have holidays on your own and create NEW traditions for yourself/your kids. You've been in limbo because you've kept one foot in the R with her. Begin new habits of doing all things different than before. Then your mind and actions will believe that you have a life of your own and it's separate from hers or anything she's doing. Start today. No need to wait. You can establish this by texting her not to ever call or text you unless it's an emergency for the kids. You can also tell her you don't plan to do anything with her or for her anymore. Establishing this new boundary allows YOU the space to build a NEW life FOR YOURSELF. If she ever asks you for anything - the standard answer should be a simple no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforward2 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 This is the year I'm working toward establishing that. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice. We had a "family" dinner last night as us 4 went out to eat. It's so weird when she calls it family dinner or "family discussion" as my eldest just rolls her eyes. She is so confused, and I've let it happen. Think that child will never be so glad to leave in the fall for college. Yes, we all went to dinner, and again I participated in it. I know, it's not good....just "our normal" for now. I'm ready for spring to get here as I look forward to a lot of important things in the next couple of months. With me being busy with work and other commitments I won't have as much time where I want to be with "them" all of the time and establish some boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Was your ex a borderline ? If so read AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline. And OBSESSED WITH A BORDERLINE - A Matter of Attraction and Revulsion You seem to be stuck on your eX given the nature of your uncertainties and your difficulty moving on. I apologize if that wasn't the case, but if it is, I hope it helps. Cheers 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 This is the year I'm working toward establishing that. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice. We had a "family" dinner last night as us 4 went out to eat. It's so weird when she calls it family dinner or "family discussion" as my eldest just rolls her eyes. She is so confused, and I've let it happen. Think that child will never be so glad to leave in the fall for college. Yes, we all went to dinner, and again I participated in it. I know, it's not good....just "our normal" for now. I'm ready for spring to get here as I look forward to a lot of important things in the next couple of months. With me being busy with work and other commitments I won't have as much time where I want to be with "them" all of the time and establish some boundaries. Take your kids out for family dinners. No reason to have your ex there. Change begins when you develop new habits/patterns. When she asks you to go with them - say no! Say no to everything she asks! YOU can build a new and exciting life this way - for yourself! She may do it on purpose so you don't find someone else. Stop allowing her to roadblock your moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 You can't move forward because nothing has changed. Doesn't matter what she wants or would like, you have to start creating distance between you two. No "family TV watching", and especially no sex. Sex with an ex is absolutely pointless (unless you're 100% over them and just need the physical satisfaction out of it). Link to post Share on other sites
ArtIsMyThing Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 She seems to be getting her cake and eat it too!! What did she loose? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MajorOak Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Was your ex a borderline ? If so read AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline. And OBSESSED WITH A BORDERLINE - A Matter of Attraction and Revulsion You seem to be stuck on your eX given the nature of your uncertainties and your difficulty moving on. I apologize if that wasn't the case, but if it is, I hope it helps. Cheers That's a good read Ralph79, thank you for sharing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforward2 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 Agree. Great read. Borderline is the exact definition. LOL. Wow. Good read. Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Glad it helped Those articles helped me jump start the process of turning my life around. Just remember, take steps to change your life from now on. Don't make the mistake I did trying to help your significant other with this info. This info is for you. This eye opening experience is for you. Not her. You are not a psychologist. You can't help her. If you try, she will drag you into the mud again. Let go and work on yourself. P.S.: Once again, resist the urge to use this info to try and fix your marriage. This can only help you fix yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforward2 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 After reading the borderline of a male........I think I've come to the conclusion that we are both borderlines...LOL. Probably not a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
DSP Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I'm with everyone else here... You haven't broken it yet. You still have hope that one more night, one more word, one more something is going to bring her back. You still have hope. You have not divorced. You two are basically dating each other and she has no plans of a future with you in her mind. You are a convenient safe place to stay warm. If you don't make a decision to stop this now you are going to be thoroughly devastated again when she moves on to the next guy and go through the first stage of grief all over again. You do not want to do that again. You are fooling yourself MF2. Time to grieve and go. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 We had a "family" dinner last night as us 4 went out to eat. Been divorced from my ex for 30 years and have been to exactly two family dinners in that time - once when our son graduated high school and once for college. My now wife came to both meals. Quit playing house with her, she's obviously using you. Your college bound daughter seems to be the smart one here... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 its because your still keeping in touch, you gotta separate, be parents only and that's it, no friends no nothing. If you see here at an event or place somewhere don't sit with her, look good, look clean, smell good, and that's it. From now on any "family events" that you do, you do with yourself and your kids only. That's the family now. you gotta force yourself at least at first and make it happen, embrace your new life, don't reject it don't hold back. Link to post Share on other sites
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