sent this after 20 days Nc

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

My Wife ended our marriage a year ago, since then we had contact but very minor,it's now only by sms message she refuses to talk on.phone or see me for any reason....she is always angry...I broke 20 days of no.contact and sent this

 

I wish I knew what I did so wrong since we split that made you decide that we have no chance ever of trying again,maybe when we first split there was a small chance.only you know that.

Now all your feelings and love that you had for me,is now just hate and all love is no more. I wish that there was some way that you would trust me,and belive me that it would be different this time around....losing you has changed my life,changed everything.,you wont give me that chance anymore. I blew it...And there is nothing I can do to change that.

I wish that I had listened the first time you gave us another chance all those years ago..and if I had i wouldn't be writing this.

My selfish ways destroyed us,and then it was too late.

I wish I hadn't changed as you would stil be by my side

Every day since we split... I miss you so very much,I think of what I had, how lucky I was....and how stupid I was and what I have now lost...I lost you not only as my wife,but my best friend,my lover,my rock,my soulmate. I lost the one person that I needed most,the one person I feel lost and empty without....I didn't deserve you but I had you by my side,I always believed you would be ..but I changed and that changed, you didn't want to be there anymore. Losing you has been the worst time of my life,it's broken my heart,and I'm lonely and empty inside,I would give anything to feel your arms around me to hear you say you say you love me....but those times are gone.

I never ever wanted to let go of what was us,but when you have no desire for me to be part of your life anymore...you feel that you will be happy with me gone and removed in every way

So today I am giving you what you have told me you really want..

 

I will be moving away,your 5 mins drive away...but we're a million miles apart now....I will continue to see the kids every week no matter where I end up ..they are all I have now

 

We are over forever...it's never been what I wanted,but it's out of my hands...I will be ending All contact after this text as I know that's how you would like it to be.... I just can't do this anymore......It's tearing me apart,what's happened to us and how you feel now. And we have gone from what we had to only talking by text.

you have told me you have moved on....and you want me too do the same...and you want a divorse I never thought I would hear you say that....I'm sorry I changed from that person you fell in love with,I'm sorry I didn't listen,when you told me I was losing you with every argument.... I'm sorry I didn't tell you every day we was together that I loved you and needed you....and how lucky I was for you to be there for me and how grateful I was

I'm sorry most of all....that I hurt you...I hope one day you can forgive me.

 

Thankyou for everything you did every day that we was together...and thankyou for being there,thankyou for wanting me and wanting us for all the years you did

 

I will always think of you were ever I will be....please take care of yourself......signing off forever now....all that's left to say is......I will never forget you....will always love you xxxxx

 

... Her sms back said. Seen your message, read it,ignored it...don't send me this sh*t!!! Or I will block you for good!!! I should have left you years before I did...you was warned it would happen. we are over 100% and I will be getting a divorse

 

Feel like I just been hit by a train...

[whichwayisup]

Ouch and ouch. I'm sorry that your ex is mean and sent you a message like that. Though it certainly (as painful as it was to read) is a wake up call for you to totally let go of her and stop blaming yourself. Your ex is NOT the woman you married and once fell in love with.

 

I hope you're able to grieve the loss and heal well so you can live a happy life again. Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends and family, or even seek counseling. She did a number on you. You were just looking for some closure and peace and she shi.t all over you! Bad karma on her!

 

Again, sorry that you're hurting, I hope soon you feel better.

[Ralph79]

I will do an exercise that might help you cope with a lack of closure on the message you sent her. By the way I apologize in advance if I come out rather cold. It is not my intention for you to hurt further. I just want you to reflect on what you just sent her.

 

"I wish that there was some way that you would trust me,and belive me that it would be different this time around"

It most definitely would be, but not in the way you think. She is a different person now. You both grew apart during your marriage and now things can never be the same. Not for you or for her. Even if you want to believe otherwise, the relationship is fractured, you have got to see that. It's beyond your control now. And by telling her you still wish she would trust you a year after the marriage ended, you effectively showed her you still are not 100% recovered.

 

"I blew it...And there is nothing I can do to change that."

Yes there is. Accept that you had your chance. It didn't work. And be genuinely happy for her. She probably is dealing with enough problems in her life. You could've gotten her at a bad time. And now on top of the problems she might have, she now has to add that you are miserable because of her to her list of issues she needs to deal with. Stop and make an effort to find happiness within yourself. Don't rely on her for it. She never asked for that burden.

 

"I lost you not only as my wife,but my best friend,my lover,my rock,my soulmate."

She is still the mother of your children. And you have a legitimate chance of winning back her friendship at least by being the best father you can be. Just keep it to yourself. Actions will speak louder than words and one day maybe things will be different. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and be appreciative of what god has given you. You have a family of your own. A goal, a purpose. Be happy for that.

 

"I lost the one person that I needed most,the one person I feel lost and empty without"

Look in the mirror and say these exact words again.

 

"I will be moving away,your 5 mins drive away...but we're a million miles apart now....I will continue to see the kids every week no matter where I end up ..they are all I have now"

I don't think she really appreciated the cryptic message there. You are moving yet still seeing the kids regularly. Makes this seem kind of redundant. Maybe I missed something.

 

"I will be ending All contact after this text as I know that's how you would like it to be...."

No you won't. You have kids together... You need to be in touch one way or another. You just simply might end up hurt the moment you run into the inevitable new man when you go see your kids. But you will still be in touch even if one day you don't want to be.

 

"Feel like I just been hit by a train..."

You were. But that's what you get for standing in the tracks.

 

Again. I apologize if I don't seem more sympathetic to your feelings. I've been there. I've sent those messages myself. They don't work if the other person is in a state of complete and utter rejection towards you.

 

Work on yourself. Don't make the mistake of putting this woman on a pedestal. Believe when I say that your xpartner would love nothing more than to run into a happier, determined, and successful version of yourself. It's time for you to work on that. And no, you don't need her to get there. You owe it to yourself to be that man. And that'll be the day her attitude towards you changes.

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

Thanks everyone for your replies and input, it's been a nightmare, I really thought that this would never happen to us,and never believed that she could feel such hate and resentment like she does.....the kids have kept me from tipping over the edge.

 

Ralph your exercise helped in lots of ways thankyou

[Ralph79]

It's always difficult. I had great advice went I went through tough times, but I couldn't process the advice until I was in a better state of mind.

 

Have you ever seen the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks? If you haven't I recommend you watch it. I'll use it metaphorically to explain something. Spoiler Alert for people that haven't watched it, don't read the next paragraph [Everything in Italics]:

 

Tom Hanks is happily married and works in a delivery company. His plane crashes and is marooned alone in an island for years. 2 things have kept him going. First and most importantly the memory of his wife , which he keeps vividly thanks to a photo. She is literally the source of his desire to keep living. Secondly, an unopened package he decided to protect. He is tempted throughout the movie to open it, but seems like that package is keeping his sense of duty and ultimately humanity intact. Fast Forward to the end, and he makes it alive, but finds his wife and friends had given him up for dead and even held a funeral. His wife is now married to another man with kids. Although they still profess love to each other, they realize it's futile to try and keep those feelings in that way. He sets off to deliver the package he managed to keep safe, and finds the address empty. He leaves the package with a note saying that the package saved his life. He leaves and stops at a crossroads. An attractive woman stops by on a pickup truck and explains to him where each road leads. As she drives off , he notices the trucks logo's are the same logo's that were on the parcel. He looks down each road and decided to follow her.

 

I want to share with you what I took in from that movie.

 

Tom Hanks had every reason to feel suicidal after losing not only the love of his life, but she was his goal to come back to. Like so many lost relationships they drifted apart and in his case, it wasn't his fault. But she did the right thing and moved on. You feel so bad for him. But it also would be more tragic to see him give up on his life or commit suicide. In the same way he went through a horrid X amount of years escaping that island, we have also endured many hardships becoming who we are. We owe it to ourselves, to our parents to pursue and achieve happiness.

 

You never know what life has in store for you. That package Hanks delivered might lead him to a new relationship. And the crossroad scene was very telling. Life has set down a path for all of us to walk on. You, like I did, have run into a dead end. It's up to you to stay there the rest of your life, or keep walking down a new path.

 

You will find someone new, and who knows, you never know if you might reunite with your xpartner in the future on different terms. Life is unpredictable. But you are not going to get anywhere if you don't keep walking down new path.

 

I'm willing to bet your wife hates and resents the person you are right now. The one full of regret, remorse, sadness and despair. You are not that guy. You are not your feelings.

 

What are your dreams? What are your goals? Maybe they have been lost in the madness you went through. Find them again.

Edited January 18, 2015 by Ralph79

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

Ralph,your right about what you say wise words, your right she does hate the person I am....I have not been the person she married for a long time,and that was what killed us...everything has been lost in the madness

 

We all make mistakes... Have made to.many to.change how she feels about us...and it's such a change in her about us,me,everything that has hit me hard....if anyone had said to.me several years ago this is how we would be now...I would have said NO WAY.... I guess we,all thought the same

 

 

 

You dont realise what you have till its gone

[Ralph79]

Here's another tip. I have given this advice before:

 

Don't make things bigger in your mind than they actually are:

 

"My selfish ways destroyed us"

"Losing you has been the worst time of my life,it's broken my heart"

"but we're a million miles apart now"

"It's tearing me apart"

"Feel like I just been hit by a train"

"kept me from tipping over the edge"

"I have not been the person she married for a long time,and that was what killed us"

 

You haven't destroyed anything. You need explosives for that. I'll bet you 1 million dollars your heart is intact if I took an ultrasound of it. A million miles is a very long distance. You're moving over a third of the distance it takes to get to the planet Mercury?

 

The point is... the problems you face in every day life are as big as you make them in your mind.

 

Start off by minimizing the problems in your head. I know you don't mean the stuff your write down literally. But you will be surprised how much your emotions change if you start by making a conscious effort to communicate in a much less dramatic fashion. Believe me you will feel better.

 

Instead of saying you destroyed the relationship, tell yourself, you made mistakes which made the relationship end prematurely.

 

Instead of saying something is tearing you apart, tell yourself it's a drag.

 

I don't mind reading the dramatic version of people's problems. I just wanted to let you know that I used to do that myself and after trying this it helped me cope with my problems greatly.

 

That's just a minor thing you can do for yourself on your way to recovery. Hope that helps.

[Satu]

The plus side is that you can now be the person you want to be, unfettered by her opinion of who you are, or who you should be.

 

Build a new life from the bottom up. Include nothing that you don't really want in it. Include nobody that you don't really want in it. Make it good for you.

 

Make this end a beginning.

 

Thats exactly what I did, and my life is better, more real, and more satisfying, than I ever thought it could be.

 

I feel very fortunate to have had the chance of a new beginning.

 

Use yours well.

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

a while after we split up i asked her was we over for good,she said i dont know,don't wait for me,if you find someone else i will be happy for you

 

there isn't someone else and never has been since we split not even a date

 

she also isn't seeing someone and there wasnt someone else when we split also hasn't dated

 

some weeks since we split she has been ok with me,we could talk,even about our problems she was happy for me to come in to home to see my kids etc,then everything changed not cause i did something bad

 

around 5 months back i helped her with a problem she had which she told me about,she didnt ask for my help, but i offered and she was happy with what i did, i didn't do it to win her back or anything like that,i did it cause,she is the mother to our kids,stil my wife,and i love her

 

the day after i sent her a sms.....it said really enjoyed yesterday,glad i could help,we worked well together,we had a laugh too which was nice,its a shame whats happend to us...i miss you x

 

re reply was thats it your on your own for good!!

 

since then she wont allow me in the house even to see the kids.....i have to wait outside and take them out or back to my place

she wont see me in person for any reason, all contact is only by phone and by sms.

 

our kids have seen all this and how she is with me,they hate it,they have said things i never thought i would hear.

 

Right now my head is a mess,20 days Nc was really hard, and then i sent what i did,i really just dont know what to do thats for the best anymore,or where to start

i sent her that sms as i needed to do that, and wasnt expecting a response like that, seems that no matter what i say to her or do,makes things worse and just makes her even more angry.

 

thanks for all your input and replies it does help no matter what you write

 

 

I really appreciate your input and replies it does help reading what you put,looking at things from others that have been there also. thankyou

Edited January 18, 2015 by NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE

[DivorcedDad123]

Read WreckedDans last post. Right now you're still giving this woman too much control over you. Take back the control and get out there and meet other women. They're not all like your ex. Its been a year, and although people have their own timeline, you are still do deep with someone who's cut you out completely.

Let her go and find your own path. You dont realize it, but you've been given a gift to start all over.

[WreckedDan]

20Days NC is a bitch!

 

When your mind is clouded with depression and flooded with 'do or die' brain chenistry (which it is by the way) NC feels like torture! You are fighting an internal battle with your self, denying yourself the one thing you want more than anything, which is simply to call and talk to the person you care so deeply for. You want to hear her voice, you want her to tell you that she loves you (would have slit my throat for this at one point)

 

Now the part that sucks, but won't. Give in... give in to that hurt. Know that she won'ttell you what you want, because the person you want to hear this from no longer exists... BUT you do! Your heart is strong and capable of loving now and always. Right now there is someone in your life that is hurting desperately and in need of that love you have, this person needs you to take care of them and remind them that they will be okay... you.

 

Focus on what you can change; your evironment, your health, your lifestyle, you... Be there for your kids, be the best dad you can (don't over feed them by the way lol). Soon after taking all your focus off of her, she will begin to fade... never disappear, but fade into your kids mom and nothing more. Music helps, sad music, mad music, happy music (best for me in that order actually), have a drink (within reason) clean your home, spend 10 minutes doing anyrhing outside... do this stuff everyday and before you know it Boom! Your path will open up brother, to a new an exciting possibility.

 

Hugs,

WD

[sandylee1]

Whatever the marital problems you had it seems like she feels she put up with them good to long and regrets the years she stayed. Though her actions now make me question her mental stability. She is being very nasty, but you need to move forward with your life. I see no rain to be so mean to the further of your children, but audible I don't know what your marital problems were.

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

WD the part in your.message about at one point you would have slit your own throat to hear those words...friend I know 100% what you mean

 

Martial problems, we lost touch with each other,passion,intermcy,sex, for various reasons all nearly never happend,she could sit in a room with me for hrs and it was like I wasn't there some days, I got lazy,didn't help her with stuff around the house,was never happy,just felt like I couldn't talk to.her anymore,as it would just make it worse, but I never wanted to.leave her,we both never cheated,no violence ever,no drugs,we both don't drink, she said many times....I was losing her slowly...god knows why I.just didn't listen!!

I never stopped loving her never stopped wanting her.

 

I always believed we would sort things..even after we split

I guess I lost touch with that and everything

[LoveMyCat]

Ralph,your right about what you say wise words, your right she does hate the person I am....I have not been the person she married for a long time,and that was what killed us...everything has been lost in the madness

 

We all make mistakes... Have made to.many to.change how she feels about us...and it's such a change in her about us,me,everything that has hit me hard....if anyone had said to.me several years ago this is how we would be now...I would have said NO WAY.... I guess we,all thought the same

 

 

 

You dont realise what you have till its gone

 

Her reply seems unnecessarily nasty. But she apparently wanted to be clear, I guess, that she does not want you to entertaining thoughts or ideas of a reconciliation any time she is "nice" to you.

 

My husband and I separated recently and still communicate by email about bills and other non-personal stuff...but I would be uncomfortable if he sent me an emotional email, as I want to "get along" with him, but do not want to move back. Sometimes it does feel very strange to me that I am in a neutral email relationship with my husband of twenty years, I admit. It reminds me of times when I was away seeing my parents, I almost forget how different this is. But as I said, I don't want to reconcile, at least not at this time, and it is a delicate situation to remain friendly but not too friendly. I guess she did not want to even try. In some ways, she is doing you a favor...she is making it clear she is not interested in reconciling, in my opinion. I do wish she could have been kinder though. Good luck...you need to be strong for your child(children?) and for myself, and concentrate on your own life.

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

What hurts deep is the one person you trust and belive when they tell you for years,that they could never leave you,I love you too much,etc and become somebody you don't know anymore....after a break reading the posts on.here that seems to happen one he'll of a lot

[Gatema]

What hurts deep is the one person you trust and belive when they tell you for years,that they could never leave you,I love you too much,etc and become somebody you don't know anymore....after a break reading the posts on.here that seems to happen one he'll of a lot

 

And that is exactly why you need to do your best to remain in NC.

Which means...........

No more I'm sorry

No more I'll change

No more I still love you

No more I'm dying inside

No more I miss you

 

Translation: Enough.

 

As cruel as this may sound, this will be the most efficient way for you to become proactive in your attempt(s) to start healing. With the exception of the brief conversations/emails/texts that you must exchange with her regarding your children; no more expressions about your feelings.

 

You have to think of her as dead, and it's only to you, for the purpose to move on, and to disconnect.

 

Remember, you can't successfully reach out to, hold on to, or communicate with, someone that's dead. NC keeps you vertical with your progress, and not horizontal from the contradictions.

 

This will help you; and quite possibly, it will help to alleviate a majority of the second guessing the vexation that is already present. If you choose not to follow some of the very wise words from the "hands on advice" that's been given to you here on LS; then just expect this:

 

You'll end up wasting a lot of your time, which is not in your best interest.

The countless hours blown by pouring over the conversations that you've had with her, or trying to decipher what you assume that's she's trying to say; you'll never find it, and it won't be what you thought it would mean, anyway.

 

Listen, we've all done it, the pointless quest to sit, read, and reread, then on to dissecting every single sentence written, or said by an ex; it's a train wreck, on so many levels. Period.

 

In fact, just understand that by not going NC it will eventually send you backwards, or for sure, it will simply keep you guessing what's next, and sadly stuck; a limbo like way for living. The good news is that it is a preventable misfortune, one that you can avoid if you put forth the effort. However, it's not at all easy to do, it takes work, and the will power to overcome temptations, especially when there is a need, or a feeling, just to hear their voice, or to make a connection; without merit or needlessly; it's a recklessness that you'll end up regretting.

 

With the information that you have shared on LS by telling us about your heartfelt text message to her, you then went on to explain the weight of your loneliness, and your deepest regrets in the relationship. You clearly did this with your best candor, and it was beautifully sincere; so know this, what you wrote was received and felt, and if not by her, then by many of the members reading your posts on LS, in a shared experience, or a period of time for their own break up stories, that's relatable.

 

In turn, you also shared what you got back; and it sounded like it was a coldly written, and very dismissive retort, as her response; now that's rich, insidiously rich.

 

Your ex reacted in a manner, that is, in my experience, that usually means only one thing; that she has already made up her mind about the relationship, and in a sense, she has sort of beat you to the punch, with the way she had expressed her feelings towards you.

 

She sees you now as ........ merely dead to her; as in you're gone.

 

Don't prolong the torture.... Go NC........

Edited January 19, 2015 by Gatema

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

now day 3 of Nc and I know it's going to be a long hard road ahead,I have read the replies and found great comfort in what you guys say,and thankyou for taking the time to reply.... i dont regret the message I sent her... I meant every word...I don't hate her,even though she has hurt me to my core.

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

QUOTE=Gatema;6115878]

 

With the information that you have shared on LS by telling us about your heartfelt text message to her, you then went on to explain the weight of your loneliness, and your deepest regrets in the relationship. You clearly did this with your best candor, and it was beautifully sincere; so know this, what you wrote was received and felt, and if not by her, then by many of the members reading your posts on LS, in a shared experience, or a period of time for their own break up stories, that's relatable.

 

 

Gatema thankyou for your kind words

i was hoping that my ex would have been touched by what i wrote even if was in a very small way.

Your right NC is like torture,but i know it has to be done!

13 years with someone...that you love with all your heart and soul,you just cant switch off how you feel like turning of a switch.

 

its hard so very hard not to think of the past,to think of the times when we was so great together,thinking of our wedding day and things like that.

it helps me in a strange kind of way to try and not think of the dark times,which there has been many since we split,she has treated me in ways that i never ever thought she would or could,let alone would want too,what also has been lost is the trust,and i belive that this is the basis of any relationship/marriage

i trusted her with everything,and its not easy to bring that back

 

every day since we split,i have never once been nasty,never once said a word out of place to her,no matter how horrid she has been and when i have been deeply hurt by things she has said and done.

 

when your own kids say to you.....mum never talks about you ever,never asks about you,...she must really hate you,when you here that from your own children...it cuts to the bone

 

since we split to be honest i think the longest that there has been Nc has been three weeks,that probably hasn't helped either of us

 

i know she is gone,and i know that she wont be thinking of coming back

she is like you all have said ....She is Done and i am Gone

 

i have said to her all i wanted to say to her,i have done all i can

its time to say no more,do no more!

 

 

to everyone one of you that has posted a reply back, THANK YOU

[allen0820]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I am in the beginning of this with my wife of 13 years. She told me she was done with us in mid December, then abruptly moved out Jan 1. She has zero desire to fix anything, won't talk to me, and acts as if she is happy as can be. Every day is hard and a struggle and I'm just in the early stages. It's going to take me forever to heal. So I understand your pain

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

lots here feel our pain,the only persons that don't are the ones that cause it,the one person you always thought couldn't and wouldn't

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

been a week now with Nc some days are good some are not so good,but its the way it is,and the way it has to be

hope we all find that day when we feel its time to move forward

[Ralph79]

been a week now with Nc some days are good some are not so good,but its the way it is,and the way it has to be

hope we all find that day when we feel its time to move forward

 

1 week!

 

Way to go.

 

What else is going on in your life? Don't get me wrong. It's always nice when we're able to provide comfort to those in pain, but it's also just as gratifying to hear the good along with the bad that goes on in your life.

 

Sharing positive experiences also helps you take a break from the constant melodrama that goes on in a heartbroken mind.

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

thanks Ralph79

 

well looking to move in the very near future,maybe even new complete start in a new part of the country,nothing is for sure yet,all options are open

it don't help that me and the ex wife live only 5 mins apart from each other

 

some days i miss her so much,find it hard that someone you adore changes so much that you just cant get your head around it

 

i try to keep busy,work helps,long hours but more to life than work and sleep

[Ralph79]

Yeah. Although I'd say that your kids more than the 5min living distance are a bigger reminder of her than anything else.

 

I wish I had kids. Then again, given my xW unhealthy environment, I'd be not only having to deal with having to run into the OM, but also be constantly worried about my child's well-being because there's no way I would've been granted full custody given the constant travel nature of my job.

 

At least you trust that your kids are in good hands. That's a relief.

 

What kind of work are you hoping to get started on? Where would you like to move to given all your options? Have you given any serious thought to starting a new hobby? Maybe join a local basketball team, softball team, etc.. with friends?

 

You watching the superbowl with friends or family next weekend?