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Can't get past this... New here.


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Hello. I am so glad I found such an active board to be a part of. I hope to stay for a long time, and eventually be there for others going through this terrible pain. I've never in my life, gone through anything so painful, so I have true sympathy for anyone else struggling with these same emotions.

 

I feel like instead of moving forward anymore, I'm just moving backwards. I think I am more depressed now than I used to be, almost. I spend most of the day sleeping while son is gone to school, or with his Dad b/c sleeping keeps the pain away - unless I have a nightmare - which I do, have. If I'm awake, I'm crying or obsessing over it - trying to look and search for any clues to help me understand what happened, and what's going to happen. To be honest, all I want - is to have him back. My son and I both want him to come home, but it's one sided... he is out having the time of his life, dating.

 

I didn't want the divorce, I still don't. I am completely lost without him - we were a great couple. We had our fights, but nothing that I would consider life changing, and from what I've told my therapist - completely normal, for a married couple. He referred to me, as his 'best friend' to his family and friends. People would ask, how do you guys do it? He would say, "You marry your best friend". Family called us, 2 peas in a pod. Friends were shocked, when they found out - they told me, "You guys were like the perfect couple, this can't be happening?" He did so much for me, and I did so much for him. We were truly happy. We talked about our dreams, our future, our retirement. We were secure, and had a very good life and future in store. We were married for 14 years, we have a son (13), we separated in July - Divorce filed less than 1 month later.

 

Life changed for us, this past summer. He met a woman, she worked for the company. I lost my husband, my life partner - to an emotional affair. When I confronted him on the relationship they had - that was the end. I wasn't even all that angry with him, very hurt and sad... but, I wanted to work things out. I wanted him to end the relationship, and seek counseling. He filed for divorce instead. Very suddenly, no waiting or trying to work things out. He turned very nasty, he was no longer the man I knew. He said so many hurtful things, and told me - that he's been unhappy for a long time, that he was going to leave me anyway - but, he was waiting for son to turn 18 first, he said so much - I blocked most of them away. It was truly devastating. He moved in with her, and began a relationship with her - not even a week after he moved out of our home. He cleared out our bank account, he closed all joint credit cards, he sold his car that was 1 month shy of being paid off, and took that money. Leaving son and I with nothing, but the bills. Never sent us money, quit his job (still he is without work) - and the only little bit of money we get from him, is what he gets from government handout.

 

I simply don't understand any of it. My son, is devastated - he asks me almost every day (this is a more recent question he has come up with, it's been going on for over a month now) "Do you think Dad will come home?" "Will you ask him to come home?" The questions make me cry. I'm not a strong person, and I'm dealing with my own pain ontop of his - and it's just gotten to be entirely too much.

 

My next post, will cover what I'm currently struggling with.

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Back in November, I was informed that the relationship with her had "basically ended" - Which I kind of knew would happen when she realized the man she "thought" she would get rich off of, wasn't who he portrayed himself to be. But, I'll give them credit - they kept it going for awhile, until she fully realized, "Oh heII, he doesn't have anything and won't get anything". Not to mention, she was about 12 years younger than him. It was so obvious what was happening it made you sick, but he never saw it. I saw emails and texts from them that said things such as "If I go for it, will you stick by me?" I don't know what that means... but, I have a good idea.

 

He told me that he looked forward to being "alone" - he was going to focus on himself and he had no interest in dating, etc. He would from time to time, make comments that lead me to believe - he was having second thoughts. I never really pressured him too much about it, because I didn't want to 'scare him off'. I had done all that before, and it did push him away - so, I had stopped that by now.

 

However - about a month ago, he sent me an email - informing me, that he was happier than ever, moved on, new friends, dating and that I was nothing to him. Leave me alone.

 

So... now that I know he is dating again... it has just completely devastated me. I feel like, since she isn't the one he left me for - that this relationship will work out, because there is no dark cloud hanging over them. If that makes sense. I know what it feels like to be loved by this man, and how good he can make you feel, and how romantic he can be - and there is no way in heck - she will leave him, and if he tries to leave her - she will fight for him - and he will cave in.

 

I just don't understand, how we had all we had - and just like that - he is off dating someone new - without trying to give US a second chance. He never once, tried to fully come out and say "I'm sorry, let's try again - or lets go to counseling - or anything". Just like that, he's done? I mean, I fully expected him to have at least an ounce of respect for me, and his son. He has none! He could care less about trying to make this life work.

 

Can anyone shed some light on this for me, and explain the process he is going through - and let me know, if things like this work out?

 

What do I have to do to get him back? I've been doing a fairly decent job at no contact, but I haven't been doing it very long. I feel like if I keep doing that, I'm only going to push him away - and allow him to get comfortable in this new relationship.

Edited by Akeru
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Back in November, I was informed that the relationship with her had "basically ended" - Which I kind of knew would happen when she realized the man she "thought" she would get rich off of, wasn't who he portrayed himself to be. But, I'll give them credit - they kept it going for awhile, until she fully realized, "Oh heII, he doesn't have anything and won't get anything". Not to mention, she was about 12 years younger than him. It was so obvious what was happening it made you sick, but he never saw it. I saw emails and texts from them that said things such as "If I go for it, will you stick by me?" I don't know what that means... but, I have a good idea.

 

He told me that he looked forward to being "alone" - he was going to focus on himself and he had no interest in dating, etc. He would from time to time, make comments that lead me to believe - he was having second thoughts. I never really pressured him too much about it, because I didn't want to 'scare him off'. I had done all that before, and it did push him away - so, I had stopped that by now.

 

However - about a month ago, he sent me an email - informing me, that he was happier than ever, moved on, new friends, dating and that I was nothing to him. Leave me alone.

 

So... now that I know he is dating again... it has just completely devastated me. I feel like, since she isn't the one he left me for - that this relationship will work out, because there is no dark cloud hanging over them. If that makes sense. I know what it feels like to be loved by this man, and how good he can make you feel, and how romantic he can be - and there is no way in heck - she will leave him, and if he tries to leave her - she will fight for him - and he will cave in.

 

I just don't understand, how we had all we had - and just like that - he is off dating someone new - without trying to give US a second chance. He never once, tried to fully come out and say "I'm sorry, let's try again - or lets go to counseling - or anything". Just like that, he's done? I mean, I fully expected him to have at least an ounce of respect for me, and his son. He has none! He could care less about trying to make this life work.

 

Can anyone shed some light on this for me, and explain the process he is going through - and let me know, if things like this work out?

 

What do I have to do to get him back? I've been doing a fairly decent job at no contact, but I haven't been doing it very long. I feel like if I keep doing that, I'm only going to push him away - and allow him to get comfortable in this new relationship.

 

I am sorry for your pain and shock...but you can't get him back if he does want to come back. And hopefully you will eventually realize that this man is not someone you should want back, if you really think about it. It is pretty awful for him to be telling you how happy he is in his new life. And that he had been unhappy for so long. I am sorry for your child...adults can be very selfish, it always baffles me. But it is not a good idea to encourage any thoughts he has that his father might come back. You said the divorce is final. Somehow, you have to move on. I hope you are seeing a therapist.

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When my son asks me that, I tell him He's not coming back. But, he doesn't believe me - he doesn't believe me, because his dad doesn't talk to him about it and won't. So he only hears it from me, and I guess it's just not enough for him. I told ex - he needs to talk to him, but he won't do it. When I said I cry, I don't cry in front of my son. I usually either, leave the room or wait until he's in bed - asleep - and then I cry.

 

The divorce isn't final - it's been filed, but it's not final. We don't even have a trial date set yet.

 

I am in therapy, I've been going once a week since the beginning of August. Costing me a fortune, and I don't even think its helping.

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When my son asks me that, I tell him He's not coming back. But, he doesn't believe me - he doesn't believe me, because his dad doesn't talk to him about it and won't. So he only hears it from me, and I guess it's just not enough for him. I told ex - he needs to talk to him, but he won't do it. When I said I cry, I don't cry in front of my son. I usually either, leave the room or wait until he's in bed - asleep - and then I cry.

 

The divorce isn't final - it's been filed, but it's not final. We don't even have a trial date set yet.

 

I am in therapy, I've been going once a week since the beginning of August. Costing me a fortune, and I don't even think its helping.

 

Go and get an attorney right away. He left you and your son with nothing, cleared the joint account and closed credit cards. Yiu have a right to half the marital assets and him taking all the money like that will look bad in court. You need child support from him. Please make seeing an attorney your priority now.

 

I know it hurts, but you need to heal yourself and see him for what he is. No self respecting man leaves his ffamily like this and won't even speak to his son. Even if he's out of love with you, he has a parental obligation. I feel for your poor son and the damage this will cause him emotionally. Please let his school know what's going on, as this will be affecting all areas of his life.

 

Look up the 180 process. It's a tool to help you detach from your H and move forward with your life. To treat you this way, he is not worthy of your love. You need to really believe that and know that you deserve better than this.

 

I know your hurt and confused by this, but your son has done nothing to get deserted by his father. That's so low. I hope you have told your H's family about all this. They need to know about the hurt your son is dealing with.

 

Keep posting and SEE AN ATTORNEY PRONTO. Caps for emphasis only.

 

Don't be a doormat and show him you'll be just fine without hm.

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Movingforward2

Not in the same situation as that, but I understand completely what you are going through. My daughter asks me the same thing......You are in just shock that you really don't know how or why this happened. You likely never will. My life was flipped upside down 18 months ago, and I still have a lot of trouble getting going. I told myself 2015 would be my year, but sometimes still feel stuck in that rut. Like you, I read others story on this site, and they are all too familiar. Things will get better.........just hang in there!

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I am so sorry for your pain. What is wrong with all these men? My husband is doing basically the same thing but we have been married 21 years. We have to move on and they need to take responsibility for leaving. You and your child deserve support. I would go to the courts and tell him what is happening also have you looked into state assistance. You can get food stamps apply for housing and you can go I think its called O.R.S for child support to be paid through them to you. It is Office Of recovery service. Again I know how hard this is and I want to send you a big hug:bunny:

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Go and get an attorney right away.

 

Look up the 180 process. It's a tool to help you detach from your H and move forward with your life. To treat you this way, he is not worthy of your love. You need to really believe that and know that you deserve better than this.

 

I know your hurt and confused by this, but your son has done nothing to get deserted by his father. That's so low. I hope you have told your H's family about all this. They need to know about the hurt your son is dealing with.

 

 

I left in what I am going to respond to for now, just trying to shorten the length of the overall post, b/c I tend to write so much. lol

 

I do have an attorney, she is supposedly one of the best in the state. The problem we're having is - when he took the money, he spent it immediately (so he said, so it looks) - he is now broke and filed bankruptcy. He is without a job, no real interest in finding a job - as he's been unemployed now for over 6 months. So, I'm not sure how you get anything out of him - when he has nothing. He knows this, and it's why he is playing this game. He is winning and he knows it. I can only hope my attorney has a master plan. It's truly disappointing. I get a very very small support check - it doesn't come close to covering even half of my sons monthly expenses, much less combined marital responsibilities we took on. To think, ex is out there dating women right now - spending the rest of his weekly checks on this woman - instead of his son - kills me to no end.

 

Sometimes I ask him to help "Can you buy him a winter Coat?" The answer is No. "Can you buy him a pair of shoes?" No. His reason for telling me no? You get a support check, you buy it. I've quit asking. Keep in mind, when he quit his job - we all lost health insurance. So, now I am the one carrying insurance on son and I. This alone a month - is more than what I get from him. Not to mention all the other expenses.

 

As far as the in-laws, and that side of the family... that is a separate thread, I will respond to that in a minute - that will take up its own space - one of the biggest problems thus far - next to everything else of course.

 

Thank you for telling me he isn't worth my love. I think I am just so insecure right now, I feel like - I'll never be happy again. During the initial breakup, he was so emotionally damaging and abusive towards me - in insulting me for who I am, what I look like, and even went as far as telling me I would spend the rest of my life alone where I deserved to be. That now of course all I think is, "He's right... I'll never find happiness/love again".

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No one on this site can explain why he is acting this way, we are all basically good people, not evil so we cannot understand.

 

All we know is that he is a bad person and someone you need to protect yourself and your son from, NOT TRY TO GET BACK!!!!

 

Life may have been good before but that life is gone. Mourn it. Bury it. Then move on with your own life without him in it.

 

Trust me, you want this man OUT of your lives, not in it. Work with your lawyer and follow her recommendations on how to protect yourself and how to get the support you need.

 

This person may have cuddled you and given you lovins and orgasms in the past but he is a bad bad person that you need to put as much distance between you and him that you can.

 

Your old life died a sad and brutal death but it is gone. Your focus now is to protect yourself from him and rebuild your own life into something new and be able to support yourself and your son.

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In-laws and that side of the family. Keep in mind, they are a very religious family - they are people who pride themselves on their religion and being very holy people. Their world revolves around the church, and they let it be known that they find themselves to be very "good" people b/c of it - I can't tell you how many times they preach it. In our church, divorce is considered wrong. One of my SIL's actually married a divorced man, they hold a grudge against this man - only because of that. He's a good guy, but they hold a grudge against him. It's very plain.

 

So...

 

They haven't once, reached out to me or my son - not one of them (and its a very large family) - they've never called us or tried to reach out to us in any way shape or form. It was as if, we didn't exist anymore.

 

When the emotional abuse continued with ex, and him basically never seeing his son - or even so much as calling him. I took action. I went to my therapist, my attorney and family and friends and asked them all if I was doing the right thing before I did it. They all encouraged me, to speak up. So, I did. I called them, and they were willing to talk - so I asked, would you mind if I stopped over? They were open to it, seemed welcoming. So I went alone (my son was in school). I explained the situation, and told them I could use their help in getting their son to think about what he was doing and how it was damaging his son. They were nice, the whole time I was there. I was nice too, never nasty - I did cry once or twice. I also felt the need to tell them, that I loved them very much and they were always welcome to come visit us anytime they wanted. I thought, maybe they needed to hear that - maybe that is why they've been silent - b/c they don't know what I think of them, type of thing. So, I wanted to get that out there. I left. Later that evening, several hours later - they called me, and told me "We're going to stay out of it, Sorry - Bye"

 

OK.. I spent the rest of the night crying - I couldn't believe they were so unwilling to help us, and try to talk to their son. I never once, told them - try to get him to come home. That never once came out of my mouth, I made a deal with myself - that this wasn't my intentions on visiting them. It was entirely about my sons well being. I did mention a few times about how aggressive he was acting out towards me, and that it was frightening. But that is about the extent of it.

 

Since that day, I never did hear from them (or any of them) again. They knew I was alone on the holidays, and they never called to say Merry Christmas, they didn't send a card (and they always used to send us a card when we were together, all of them did) - We didn't get one. When we used to get bad snow storms - they would call and make sure we were okay, and did we need anything. We live out in the country on windy roads - that often get overlooked by the plows. All the snowstorms we've had this winter - not one peep, from any of them. Including the ex. They know their son/brother isn't working - so, they have to know I am struggling financially, not to mention emotionally - and they never call - never ask if we need anything - nothing. This, coming from a family, who honors themselves in taking care of those less fortunate then them. But their "own family" - forget them.

 

So, this now brings me to... the only time they see or speak to my son, is when he is with his Dad. They make him bring him over. My son comes home, and tells me that all they want to do is talk about 'how I'm treating him'. Is mom being good to you? Then they tell him things like, you better stay in church, never leave church, etc. etc. etc. This coming from a family, who has basically abandoned someone that was a part of your family for 13 and 14 years --- and you're going to sit there and preach to my son, about staying in church? My son dislikes going over there now, because his grandma sits there and tries to gather gossip. He tells me she bosses him around, and makes him call all his "aunts" while he is there, telling my son that he needs to make an effort to talk to them - What the heck? They don't, why should he - seriously? She is basically trying to turn my son against me, and towards her family. Is what I'm gathering. I don't like it, but not sure how to stop it without fighting to take him away from his Dad, and I don't think I should do that.

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Movingforward and scattrd - thank you for your messages. I'm sorry you are both in the same place, I assume most of us are - and that is why we're here. I'm not the best at giving advice right now because here I am, struggling with most of the same - and can barely help myself understand - but do know, I am here for you if you want to vent or talk and I am a good listener, and an excellent friend - but the advice - I am lost on. :) All I can say is, yes - they tell us it gets better, and I'm counting the days that this turns true.

 

Thankfully I am in a position where I don't need to seek food stamps or housing, because I have awesome parents who have been 150% supportive. The interesting thing is, my ex tells me ... "It's your parents job - that's what parents do". Since when is it the grandparents job to support their grandchild? If that is the case, why aren't the other set of grandparents helping out? Good question.

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All we know is that he is a bad person and someone you need to protect yourself and your son from, NOT TRY TO GET BACK!!!!

 

Trust me, you want this man OUT of your lives, not in it. Work with your lawyer and follow her recommendations on how to protect yourself and how to get the support you need.

 

 

Thank you for your encouragement. You're right, most everyone here that I've seen are truly good, helpful people. To take the time, you all take to help out those suffering - even when some are suffering the very same situation - is amazing.

 

Even though, this man I once (and still do unfortunately) loved, used to be a good person, he is still not worth fighting for?

 

Why can everyone else, but me and my son - see it? I'm not doubting you, because trust me - everyone tells me the same thing, so it has to be true - I'm just stuck in my addiction phase, and I'm addicted to him still I guess. When will I start to see the same thing everyone else does? I expect the grief to last years, I had a great time with that man. That is bound to take time, but when does the true desperation end typically? I'm sure its different for everyone. I certainly expected this part to be over by now, not sure what re-started it. I had semi-gotten there... but, it's all come flooding back here recently - and seems as worse than ever.

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Akeru,

 

I was with my wife 35 years. She met a man about a year ago and began an affair. She is still with him and we are almost divorced.

 

I loved my wife the whole time, even after I found out about the affair 4 months ago. However I believe once they do this that they have fundamentally changed and are not the same person. I still love who my wife was, not who she has become.

 

Once I accepted that she is gone the healing begins. That is where you need to get to. I know it seems impossible at this point but you will get there I promise. It just takes a long time. There are no shortcuts through this.

 

The one thing I was told by a wise friend was "Why would I consider being with a person who did not want to be with me". It is so true. Life is to short to waste time pining for someone who does not want to be with you.

 

Good luck and keep posting. The seasoned posters on this board have helped me greatly. Many have been through it and have come out the other side and our situations are all so similar that the advice they provide is usually spot on.

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I left in what I am going to respond to for now, just trying to shorten the length of the overall post, b/c I tend to write so much. lol

 

I do have an attorney, she is supposedly one of the best in the state. The problem we're having is - when he took the money, he spent it immediately (so he said, so it looks) - he is now broke and filed bankruptcy. He is without a job, no real interest in finding a job - as he's been unemployed now for over 6 months. So, I'm not sure how you get anything out of him - when he has nothing. He knows this, and it's why he is playing this game. He is winning and he knows it. I can only hope my attorney has a master plan. It's truly disappointing. I get a very very small support check - it doesn't come close to covering even half of my sons monthly expenses, much less combined marital responsibilities we took on. To think, ex is out there dating women right now - spending the rest of his weekly checks on this woman - instead of his son - kills me to no end.

 

Sometimes I ask him to help "Can you buy him a winter Coat?" The answer is No. "Can you buy him a pair of shoes?" No. His reason for telling me no? You get a support check, you buy it. I've quit asking. Keep in mind, when he quit his job - we all lost health insurance. So, now I am the one carrying insurance on son and I. This alone a month - is more than what I get from him. Not to mention all the other expenses.

 

As far as the in-laws, and that side of the family... that is a separate thread, I will respond to that in a minute - that will take up its own space - one of the biggest problems thus far - next to everything else of course.

 

Thank you for telling me he isn't worth my love. I think I am just so insecure right now, I feel like - I'll never be happy again. During the initial breakup, he was so emotionally damaging and abusive towards me - in insulting me for who I am, what I look like, and even went as far as telling me I would spend the rest of my life alone where I deserved to be. That now of course all I think is, "He's right... I'll never find happiness/love again".

 

 

Don't ever think like that. You can find happiness again. How dare he tell you such a thing. He is a damaged man and I feel sorry for the people he dates. Think of him as dead. Don't respond to him emails unless it relates to your son or finances. Such a nasty man emailing you that nonsense.

 

You can do so much better than a man who treats you like that. Concentrate on you and your son.

 

I'll write more later. In a rush now.

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The one thing I was told by a wise friend was "Why would I consider being with a person who did not want to be with me". It is so true. Life is to short to waste time pining for someone who does not want to be with you.

 

This is important (though sometimes difficult) to keep in mind. Don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to put you first. Instead, put yourself first.

 

Remember: YOU deserve better. You WILL get better. You (and time) are your two new best friends.

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Thank you for your encouragement. You're right, most everyone here that I've seen are truly good, helpful people. To take the time, you all take to help out those suffering - even when some are suffering the very same situation - is amazing.

 

Even though, this man I once (and still do unfortunately) loved, used to be a good person, he is still not worth fighting for?

 

Why can everyone else, but me and my son - see it? I'm not doubting you, because trust me - everyone tells me the same thing, so it has to be true - I'm just stuck in my addiction phase, and I'm addicted to him still I guess. When will I start to see the same thing everyone else does? I expect the grief to last years, I had a great time with that man. That is bound to take time, but when does the true desperation end typically? I'm sure its different for everyone. I certainly expected this part to be over by now, not sure what re-started it. I had semi-gotten there... but, it's all come flooding back here recently - and seems as worse than ever.

 

I hate to say this, but I think you'll "see it" more and more as time goes by and you watch what your stbxh is doing emotionally and financially to your son. Women tend to excuse some insane crap from me in their lives, but will lose their minds over harm, emotional, physical, or financial, done to their children.

 

This man betrayed and abandoned you. He deliberately quit working to get out of paying his fair share. He refuses to man up and admit to his son what he did or even just explain that he's not coming back. He doesn't even seem to care if his son goes without. And, frankly, his family sound like real pieces of work. If they were decent people they'd at least offer help and support to both sides.

 

Love has to be nurtured or it will naturally wither and die. Be careful you aren't nurturing your feelings for the man you thought you were married to. Every time you start to feel warm and fuzzy or desperately miss him remind yourself of the facts. One of which is that he is a low life selfish bastard and the other is that the man you loved doesn't exist. It helps.

 

I don't know how it works where you live, but in my state the court doesn't give a rats patootie if the non-custodial is working or not. For the unemployed they set support low, but court requires proof the person is seeking employment. If no good faith effort to find gainful employment is being made they can and do issue arrest warrants for failure to comply with court orders. The non-custodial who fails to provide support for a certain amount of time can and often is charged with felony child neglect. So, even though he thinks he's getting away with something he may not be getting away with it for long. Fight with everything in you to make this man responsible for the mess he made.

 

And don't be too concerned with his dating. No decent woman wants to date a bum. And the women who are willing to date him either aren't serious or are so damaged he's getting what he deserves.

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Akeru,

 

From personal experience I can tell you the following:

 

1. Few things are going to bring you relief for the pain you feel right now. One of them is being around friends and family. You might feel alone sometimes, but the people that truly love you are there for you. Sometimes (and this took me a while to understand) they want to respect your privacy so they are waiting for you to reach out to them. (I'm referring to your immediate family and friends, not his).

 

2. Don't expect any help/comfort from your in-laws. Even if he is completely wrong and running his life, they will support him no matter what. You don't know the type of interaction they have with him, but for the sake their bond with him, your in-laws probably want no part in this struggle. After all it's between you and him. They will always be there for him no matter what he ends up doing. So they are simply "spectators" trying to do what's best for him.

 

3. This man has been unhappy for a while. I don't believe he's a bad person. I don't think anyone is for that matter. I think good or bad is a matter of perspective. If you ever feel the need to contact him for more answers (never a good idea in my opinion) just think to yourself, "What would my x-partner write in these forums, if he needed advice on what to do? What would his complains about me be?"

 

4. I know it's hard and painful. VERY hard and painful but have some solace in the fact that you will always have family and also people on these boards that are ALWAYS open to listening to you 24/7. You are not alone. Most of us share your pain.

 

5. Most important of all. Try and look and the mirror and look at yourself. Look at the state this guy has put you in. You do not deserve this. Who cares if a new girl falls in love with him? You already know he's not a man a woman can count on. You may believe you want him back into your life sometimes. But never forget that his man has disrespected you. And until you come to grips with the fact your heart deserves someone who wants you back, he will somehow keep disrespecting you.

 

I know there are examples where couples overcame situations like this. I'll share my unfortunate story with you: My wife left me for 3 months, because after months of being told I wasn't as good as her xBF, she went back to him. After my friends told me I was better off, supported me, and helped me get through that period, she came crying back (literally) claiming she had made a great mistake and wanted another chance. I gave it to her. I never once brought up "what did you with him?", "how could you do this?", etc... quite the opposite, she was the one who complained to me "Why would you bring this up with my family? How could you stoop so low?".

 

I tried my best to give us a clean slate. But I realized as soon as your partner loses respect for you in a marriage, it's really hard for it to work again.

 

I no longer care for her. I no longer miss her. All that's left is the pain she caused me during my efforts to save my marriage. The embarrassment of how much I made a fool out of myself doing things I never should have done out of pride and self respect.

 

Fortunately , you are on your way out. The sooner things are over, the quicker you can recover from this.

 

P.S. Don't worry about long posts. We all understand we need to gets things off our chests.

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Ralph,

 

Good post but I dispute #3.

 

Leaving is one thing. Cleaning out bank accounts, providing no support to your child, quitting your job to avoid paying support is another. You consider these the actions of a good person?

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Chew,

 

I find that it's sometimes a mistake to jump the gun and judge a person solely on their actions. [This excludes extreme things like killings and stuff] of course]. I've come to realize that it is very rare to find an "evil" person per say (i.e. Someone who wants to inflict pain on you w/o motive for his own amusement). Some People are less respectful of others boundaries. Some people grow up thinking it's ok to perform actions a wide majority of society deem unacceptable. These people have motives and reasons that make them rationalize that their actions are acceptable. Those motives and reasons are usually never clear to the victims of those actions.

 

That doesn't mean we shouldn't take a stand and allow these people to impose their will on us, but I think it's a mistake to place an "evil" or "bad person" tag on them, and simply pass on judgement.

 

Now you say this guy is not a good person, however:

 

"He did so much for me, and I did so much for him. We were truly happy. We talked about our dreams, our future, our retirement. We were secure, and had a very good life and future in store. "

 

There was a time when you would say this guy was a "good person".

 

I think the problem was that he never openly communicated his feelings towards her, and kept a lot of issues bottled up.

 

There is the possibility he took these actions [the money thing] because he figured it was in the best interest of himself and his son. Maybe he didn't trust his wife with the money, and maybe he was afraid/paranoid that she would keep a lot of things he thinks she doesn't deserve. Maybe he's merely opposed to the idea of her managing the child support money. It's a dumb theory. My point is, there's always a reason behind our actions. The OP hasn't really given us much insight on what could have drove him to do this, because a failed affair is no reason to discard a 15 year marriage.

 

We could better advice her on what actions to take to protect her interest if we knew more details that might help us understand what happened. Because as it stands, the OP has been the perfect wife who is the only victim here. It's human nature to paint ourselves in a better light when we try and get advice for our problems. That's all I'm saying.

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There is a heck of a lot of OUTSTANDING advice here. Very articulate, full of empathy, I even feel love behind the words of the posts in your particular thread.

 

I was not left for another woman, but, of course, I was left for something. [Although, it is an obvious conclusion that a man does not live without intimacy for years on end, and I understand that, "now."] I have no children. The divorce took 4 years. I will offer the following additional concepts based on my extreme experience:

 

"Giving Up Your Youth" (i.e., No one will want me now).

 

At the beginning of my separation, I saw a Lifetime Drama, TV show, or perhaps a Netflex movie or something, on the topic of divorce. Where it was said, "He also gave up his youth for you." It was good I heard that early on, as I was beginning to feel angry that I wasted my life with him. As mentioned by Ralph, there were good years, or at least, what I perceived as good years, and I enjoyed my married life with my former husband. I also made a conscious choice to remain in the marriage despite some huge issues.

 

"Mind-Reading"

 

During the divorce, I saw so many signs, that I just could help myself, I was obsessed with over-analyzing some of my observations (as I see in retrospect). Not to say he was not sending mixed signals, he was. But he was also saying "NO," very clearly by not contacting me, ignoring me and my needs, and intimidating me through his powerful attorney via my powerful attorney.

 

He hired detectives to follow me. He also had people sit in their cars outside my home, which drove me practically insane. He somehow happened to often be at the same place I was at the same time, although he had no business in my area. He did random drive-bys (even after the divorce trial and final decree was entered Sept. 2012).

 

I wanted to believe this negative or strange attention was his demonstration that he still loved me, and could not let go. That was not the REALITY. Also, when I would see his extreme anger and contempt towards me in Court hearings (in person), I wanted to interpret this hostility as a "FEELING." And.....if he was feeling an emotion, he must still have feelings for me. This, yet was another faulty assumption on my part. A wise LSer posted once, that it was possible he was angry about losing his money in Court (that was a good point, that hit home for me).

 

"Math 101"

 

If you start doing the math, I've been living in a fantasy world for some time. The first year, back and forth, waiting for the phone to ring like a school girl. Second year, something is wrong, he's not calling. I'm getting worried, then I got very, very sick (following a failed dental surgery). I wasn't eating, I slept thru the days and nights, and the extracted tooth for the dental implant did not heal right. Meanwhile, I lost 40 pounds, and could barely pick myself up without falling and breaking something (too high a dose of blood pressure medication was the diagnosis once I passed out in a grocery store). He did talk to me on the phone sometimes, but gradually backed away, the sicker I became. Odd, wasn't it? Let's get this on fast forward!

 

Another year of trying to manipulate him to my way of seeing things after conducting business on the phone (that completely failed and made me look pathetic). The forth year got down and dirty, and I got out of line a few times on voice mail when I was drunk - what I had to say what terribly obscene (I got to hear a few recordings of myself during trial preparation). Pretty embarrassing, so, so baaaaaaddddd, his side wouldn't even play it in Court. Those recordings sorta messed things up - although, it was already over! Haha!

 

If that is not enough, he just had to do a couple drive throughs, and that whipped up my imagination again, AFTER THE DIVORCE.

 

I think it was about 8 months ago, I finally accepted that the marriage is over. In fact, the is no way I could possibly live with him in my current lifestyle I've become accustomed to. There is no way I could cook meals, and launder him. It is all I can do to take care of myself.

 

"It Could Be Worse Theory"

 

Whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself, I think about how it could be worse, and try to cast a positive spin on what is bothering me. I do have bi-polar 2 dis-order, and I'm not exactly happy to be deserted (there is a direct link there to this illness). But I don't have cancer.

 

What do you have that someone else does not have? What are some blessing you can count?

 

Here they are: You have a family, a son. (I have no family at all, I'm completely alone. In fact it is hard to even keep friends with this effing disorder, kinda scary at my age. Honey, count your blessings. Your mind works, your sweet boy is with you, needs you. Turn this sorrow unto joy for your loved ones that are in your life, darling, you are not alone. I wish I had what you have, I wish I was not alone in the world).

 

5 Stages of Grief

 

These stages will come and go: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and eventually acceptance. Tge gosl is to move to acceptance. I believe it was "Chew" that posted he could finally move on when he accepted his wife was not going to come back.

 

I have gotten close to this point now. But I have wasted a lot of precious years, as described above. Maybe that needed to happen this many years for me to overcome my stages of grief. After all, I was with my husband since 1980, and we married in 1985. That is basically the majority of my adulthood.

 

The grieving will come, and it is a feeling of no other. It may be quite different than you expect. I call it "backwards crying," almost like the dry heeves. It will hit like a thunder bolt. If you allow yourself to feel it, and mourn, ut will pass. I promise you. The crying right now may be more due to the shock, hormones, histeria - to be expected.

 

But as another wise poster stated, Mothers rise to the challenge once they realize their young have been attacked or abused. You will be strong again. The reaction and response to your heartfelt openess of you and your son's pain is a testiment of what a lovely and magnificent woman you are. We are here for you.

 

I hope my little stories will give you some peace and advance knowledge so you walk an easier, smoother road. Yas

 

PS. My early stories are on my first LS threads. Looking back on those threads is so embarrassing, what a mess I was. Now I'm a vet!

Edited by Yasuandio
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Hi Everyone,

Sorry didn't disappear on purpose for any reason, other than I am struggling with depression right now, and have just kind of shut down for the moment.

 

Ralph your post is great, but hard to hear too - I'll be honest, lol. It makes me fee like I did something wrong, to allow him to treat me the way he did - it's taken me a lot of therapy (Aug through now) to accept that, this wasn't my fault. I know you aren't blaming me, but you've thrown out scenarios that show there was a motive - and I agree. There was. I don't know what it is, he won't give me a straight answer -- the only thing I can dream up is, he burned down so many bridges on his way out, that he's got too much pride to come back.

 

As far as why he took they money... I find that hard to comprehend. He took every bit of it, left $1.00 in - so the account stayed open. He sold his car that was almost paid off, and took this entire amount, he cleaned out our Retirement account (401K) and closed out our HSA account that had accrued money in it - and quit his job - leaving us with no health insurance.

 

Personally, I don't see where his son did anything wrong.. He's just a little boy, who is innocent - he not only took the money from me, he took it from him. I didn't start getting child support payments until the end of October (he left in July) and the money I get might as well not be coming, it doesn't cover even come close to covering 2 things I pay a month. I have a lot more than 2 things to pay, just with son alone. Not to mention, marital debt we took on.

 

I don't know... I'm confused. Maybe there is more that I need to share. I'll do that in the next post.

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@Akeru

 

I sincerely apologize if my post made you feel worse. Believe me that wasn't my intention. I know you have been very forthcoming about your situation. My post was meant to give you an additional Point of View, because a lot of other posters started adding the "bad person" tag. And from your original post, he didn't seem like it at first.

 

I'm happy to hear you've accepted that this wasn't your fault. I'll be honest, as long as 1 partner is willing to listen and willing to try and fix things, I don't see why the other has to give up on marriage, which is what your ex did. THAT was his choice. This is on him. Not you.

 

His actions are paranoid at best regardless of motive. He might've been up to his neck in debt , or in trouble from gambling or something. Who cares at this point. There are better ways to go about things. And I say this because you seem like a down to earth person. Like you, I couldn't say what drives a partner from being in bliss , to yelling personal insults at us. Specially when we don't understand ourselves what we've done wrong. Again the point is, regardless of motive, the underlying truth is you don't deserve that treatment. You will be in a 100% better position to work on your happiness with him out of the picture. It just takes time for that realization to sink in.

 

 

Your son is a blessing and like Yasuandio , I'm jealous because I too wish that I had family of my own by now. You've got so much to look forward to.

 

And if your ex ever tells you:

 

""It's your parents job - that's what parents do"... tell him to look in the mirror when he says that.

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RAlph, No---!! Not at all, your post was excellent! It's true.. I didn't mean to sound like that, I think I'm in a rush b/c I have someplace to be. I'll post more later, please check back to see the rest - Ok? I appreciate you and everyone else!!

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Okay, well I came back late last night to post the rest of my story - and I've talked myself out of going into too much detail which I have a habit of doing.

 

My parents offered X and I, a business that my dad started - and decided to give it to us, after a few years of running it successfully. When given the opportunity - we took a lot of time, thought and detail on whether or not we would accept the offer - after all, it was still a new company, and would demand a lot of work. I primarily left the decision up to X, as it would be mainly him running the company. I at the time, was homeschooling my son who has special needs, and driving him to physical therapy 2 or 3 times a week.

 

We made the decision, to take the company. We were both ecstatic and beyond exited to be given this amazing opportunity. X had been working in a dead end company, where he was going no where anytime soon, making peanuts. Now, all of a sudden - we were being given this opportunity to build a good future for ourselves and our son. It was our dream to eventually own a business, we were just waiting for the right oppty to come. This one was it. X prior to this, would say things like "I can't wait until we have our own business, because then we'll always be together as we run the company together, we work so well together, etc. etc. etc."

 

He had the EA with his employee. I think I've shared all of that scenario already, and when he left me. He tried to steal the company, he told my Dad that - it would be very easy for him to just up and walk out - leaving a big mess on our hands. So, that if we wanted to prevent this from happening - he would give him, and his employee (mistress) a very large and well deserved (yes his words - DESERVED) severance package. It wasn't long after that email, that he sent another - telling my parents, if they wanted any chance of him coming back to his family - they would sell him the company, and put it entirely into his name. The reason being is, he feels like he has been shown that he isn't trusted - and, until he feels like we trust him - there is no chance at him ever coming back to his family. So, to prove that you trust me - put the co. in my name.

 

Keep in mind, while he was throwing out these demands, he was LIVING with this woman. Of course they were "only friends" - but, he lived with her - and took all our money out of our accounts, to spend on the two of them - leaving son and I with nothing. Then he would send me texts, and tell me how it was nice sleeping in bed with someone who loved you. How do you trust someone, when they are sitting there having an affair - and now, living with the OW? I don't know. I still don't. I feel like a complete failure, because I couldn't maintain that trust. I lost it.

 

So he burned down a lot of bridges on his way out, he made himself out to be a complete jerk, and embarrassed himself in the process - is what I think. So, he now feels - he could never come back and face my family again. I know his main issue is, my family. He has said so. He seems to blame them the most... I think he expected us to give into his demands, but how can you possibly do that - when he is telling me he is filing for divorce, living with this OW, and sending my parents nasty emails demanding things that are so far out there - not to mention, he wrote in the emails "You've shattered her and I's dreams" - he was using her name, and his. Telling my parents they shattered their dreams of running a successful company. It was MY and my husbands DREAM.. not hers! That one comment really cut deep.

 

He filed for divorce not too long after all that - and I simply am lost and confused.

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