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I just can't do this!


HarmonyInDisonance

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HarmonyInDisonance

I have been married for over 9 years now. We have four children and a thousand problems.

 

First off, there is always a bad guy in these things, someone that everyone completely on the outside agrees upon when given the information. I AM that guy.

 

Second I have been diagnosed with BPD and Bi-polar. Not the trendy kind either, the kind that words fail to describe. I fully expect to be flamed and agitated purposefully. One in particular I expect to swoop down on this thread like a bird of prey.

 

That being said I need to get this out. My wife says that when I'm good I'm great, a great father, husband, worker, the whole sha-bang. When I'm bad I am awful. Abusive, violent, a terrible father, lazy and just downright evil. Its the roller coaster ride she can't handle and I do not blame her. It doesn't matter how good I am one day if I destroy her the next. Those wounds take longer and longer to heal. We have been through the cycle so many times now that both of us know the good me never lasts and therefor is not really me. But it is the real me. But the mean evil bastard that I become is me also. There was a time when these features of my personality saved my life, but that time has thankfully long passed.

 

The thing is, I am truly both of these people. I used to think that mental illness was mostly a flawed science (it really still is) and prone to the worst kind of treachery and malingering by it's presumed patients. I am unsure as to what extent this is true, but there certainly are a small percentage of people with real problems. I am one of those. The problem is that I cannot and do not expect the world to bend around me. I have come to think only in terms of results. I have arrived at the conclusion that I am NOT fit for any romantic relationship. Some people for example simply cannot be astronauts due to an irregular heart beat. This is not a matter of effort or will power, if it where I would have won this battle and become the man my family needs years ago.

 

So we are splitting up. We are both extremely dedicated to our children and chose to home school. We had a case of molestation with our daughter in her first year of public school. After trying for months to get the school to arrange a meeting with the other child's parents to no avail, I went to the school personally. As you can imagine getting in between a crazy person and their beloved little girl is asking for trouble. Trouble is what they got, after the school called the police due to my "solution" I removed her and starting her schooling at home within the week. We both believe the world is a lost cause and that in public school the majority make it at the cost of the few. Children like mine will be relentlessly bullied and ridiculed. They are most likely all in the genius range and a little odd. I know all parents probably say stuff like this, but my daughter's intelligence in particular is just scary. Really, at her age her cognitive abilities and intuition freak people out. Just try any of the old school adult lies and stand in awe as she picks your statements apart with critical thinking about 8 years beyond where she should be. In other words they have a VERY high probability of sharing my school experience, which I will not get into at this time.

 

I want to continue homeschooling. It is not easy and I take it very seriously, just ask my kids I am not an easy teacher. My wife does not trust me and thinks the kids will be exposed to things they shouldn't be. I can't change her mind. I am on disability so I am in the perfect position to do this. It would also eliminate the need for child care which we cannot even begin to afford anyway.

 

I do not want my wife to move either. She wants to move to the city after the split. This is because she thinks that once I am "free" I'll somehow fall in love with life and run off, never to be seen again. Our house is 200 years old and falling apart. I have been restoring it, so far the electrical system and plumbing have been completely redone. We heat solely with firewood, oh by the way, did I mention I am disabled. I cannot afford to buy firewood so i cut and load it all by myself, from felling to splitting its all done by a broken mentally ill POS. I am also starting to fall apart. My doctor is getting pissed at me as I keep getting hurt. I am not recovering from the injuries fast enough. Currently this is a problem. I recently got a script for tramadol, the strongest thing I am willing to take. I ate 45 of them in three days. This was while plumbing the house with breaks to split wood. I have compressed disks in the bottom of my neck and top of my back. I also have a knee injury that bleeds internally so bad it once caused a mini-stroke due to stray clotting. Working in the cold under a house for 8 hours with these injuries is a special kind of hell even through the absurd amount of medication I went into shock. I STILL finished.

 

I guess my point is that I am trying so hard to be better, but I am at my absolute zenith. As it is I use advanced meditation and visualization techniques to help cope, but it's not enough. The medicine is not enough. I live in a constant state of either guilt of contrite agony wanting to want the right things.

 

I have a history of drug abuse. I thought I had beaten it, but after taking an entire script of pain killers in three days I am inclined to believe that addiction simply cannot be beaten only avoided. I have chronic pain issues (obviously) and spend everyday in agony. I cannot take pain killers though. In fact I recently quite playing Warcraft, which is a big deal. I have also stopped smoking cigarettes, taking any kind of pain killers, and drinking caffine. I am awaiting new medication, but am currently on nothing for my mental health issues.

 

I just don't think I can do this. I do NOT cry... EVER, which is odd because I am now. I am losing my wife. I have nothing to escape too. On top of it all I feel like I am dying.

 

I really just want to end it SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO so so very badly, but I cannot. People who commit suicide are ****. I will not change my opinion on this even if I go through with it myself. I have already given what little of value I had away. So I am ready, but I just can't. I have children my right to void my life ended when I became a father. I just don't know if I am strong enough to simply continue to exist until I finally die one day. I gave up everything I enjoyed because it caused problems with my family, but I have nothing to go to. No drugs, no hobby, no support structure, no faith, no health, nothing. If my wife won't budge on the homeschooling thing I don't know what I'll do. I cannot live with being a weekend dad. I don't roll like that if I did I would have went National Guard instead of regular Army.

 

I don't even really know what the hell I am typing this for. None of you owe me anything and I certainly have not given much counsel to others. It's like my wife says I am a taker. An emotional vampire. Moving from victim to victim. Thus the cycle continues, I just don't know if I have what it takes to ride this thing anymore.

 

I guess if your inclined to, pray for us, we desperately need it.

 

Thank you for reading God Bless.

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God bless you and all your family, I will say a prayer for you all tonight before I turn in at bedtime.

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We have four children

 

I'll bet there's at least 4 people in this world that love you unconditionally, warts and all. And I'm also hoping you're considering the additional toll it would take on them were you to harm yourself. Even thinking about it is unfair to your kids.

 

You don't say what access to professional help you might have. Absent an ongoing relationship, there are the following resources:

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, Lifeline (United States)

Managed by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

 

National Hopeline Network, Kristin Brooks Hope Center - Hopeline (United States)

Managed by the Kristin Brooks Hope Center

1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)

 

Keep posting, lots of good feedback here...

 

Mr. Lucky

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HarmonyInDisonance

Thank you for that. It means more to me than you know.

 

Also just read an article about those girls being taken by ISIS. Gonna have to make an exception on my suicide comment. I understand that many of them have killed themselves. Given their situation I cannot find any fault in their choice.

 

Back to work.

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evanescentworld

If you are taking medication for your BiPolar condition, are you 100% certain it is definitely the right combination of drugs, and the most appropriate and correct treatment for you?

 

I know someone who is BiPolar and they had to visit three doctors, four specialists and work their way through several variations, doses, types and methods of medication, before finding the right things which 'clicked' and worked....

 

They are far more level-headed and stable now, than they were 8 years ago. It took a while, and dogged persistence on their part, but it paid off...

 

Edit:

Just noticed you're on 'nothing' at the moment.

 

Please, please please: See someone about this.

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We don't owe you anything, but we want to help. Take that into account when reading these posts. Don't take them lightly. People in these forums have gone through hardships as well and we are all pulling for each other. Some even come back to shed hope on us all once they've made a breakthrough. I am very happy for them.

 

Several things, btw I am an ex-WoW player as well and I didn't even bother buying the new expansion. I know how hard it is to leave that game. But you took a huge first step and I hope you understand how pointless and destructive it can be when you have a family and responsibilities to take care off.

 

Life is so short to waste it in front of a game when you've got a family that needs their father in his free time.

 

Now. A problem I'm seeing is that while you are willing to work your issues out, you are doing it your way. Be open to other people's ideas. Mr. Lucky is right. There are people that love you and feel hurt seeing you this way. You owe it to yourself to be grateful for your life.

 

Remember the saying. Life will pay any price you ask of it. You just have to ask the right way. Channel your energy towards a goal and you will reach it.

 

Now again, be open minded. In regards to your kids, I'm pretty sure you are a capable teacher. However you yourself admit that you are going through some problems and it would be best if your children attended school given the situation in your household. Going to school is more than just classes. It's a critical stage in kids developments where they have to interact with other people, establish a discipline to get up early and get ready for school, and to deal with adversity to name a few things.

 

You should understand that there are proper channels to attack any problem when it comes to society and personal confrontation is often gets you the least desired result when it comes to you vs. a system. Bullying is so frowned upon now that you could go to your local newspaper office and present them a story about what's going on. Hit the school where it hurts. Make them have programs to supervise these things.

 

Now you have a lot of medical issues. Take care of yourself first. It doesn't do ANYONE any good for you to be in so much pain. You are battling a self destructive behavior. I lost my way too. I've thought of suicide. I've reached points where I'm disappointed with the people that surround me in my life but just as I may think there's no reason to live sometimes, it comes hand in hand with having no reason to die either. So I'm stuck.

 

I would advise you to read some of the other threads. Reach out to people. Help them. It gives you perspective of how bad some people had it and overcame.

 

Good Luck to you

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You've got to get your bipolar under medication or you're bound to continue cycling between the good guy and the bad guy. How's that working for you?

 

Lithium is the good standard and it's not expensive. This should be your highest priority.

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Hello again, Harmony -- computer builder from rural Georgia. It's been nearly two years since you and I first met on Strange's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/340022-borderline-personality-disorder-11.html#post4741901. As you may recall, I was so delighted to be able to discuss things with you because you are one of the most intelligent, articulate, and self-aware BPDers I've ever met -- and I've met and communicated with over a hundred of them. I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling really despondent at this time.

 

As you know, the medication for bipolar-1 sometimes has to be adjusted (or replaced) because the body can become tolerant to it. During that period when you are transitioning to a replacement drug, life can be very painful until you find the right drug and figure out the right dosage level. Please hold on and give yourself time to find the right drug and dosage. You are simply too valuable a person to waste, especially given that you have four kids to help raise.

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HarmonyInDisonance
Hello again, Harmony -- computer builder from rural Georgia. It's been nearly two years since you and I first met on Strange's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/340022-borderline-personality-disorder-11.html#post4741901. As you may recall, I was so delighted to be able to discuss things with you because you are one of the most intelligent, articulate, and self-aware BPDers I've ever met -- and I've met and communicated with over a hundred of them. I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling really despondent at this time.

 

As you know, the medication for bipolar-1 sometimes has to be adjusted (or replaced) because the body can become tolerant to it. During that period when you are transitioning to a replacement drug, life can be very painful until you find the right drug and figure out the right dosage level. Please hold on and give yourself time to find the right drug and dosage. You are simply too valuable a person to waste, especially given that you have four kids to help raise.

 

Good to hear from you again Downtown. I will get back on here later school is in session right now.

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HarmonyInDisonance

I have been busy typical winter stuff, firewood and what have you. I am on medication now it helps, but only just enough it seems. My access to mental health care oddly has not improved. The only places that will take medicare were places I could go before for a sliding scale fee.

So I have two options, neither of which is good. One place Georgia hope, refuses to treat me until I have been evaluated off meds for 6 months. I understand the reasoning, but its highly impractical. Lookout mountain services is the other. They were treating me quite successfully for a time using lamictal and a few others. I was suffering from a side effect that causes problems with nervous and immune systems. This presents with blisters all over the body. I was aware of the risks, but kept the side effects to myself. My wife and then doctor finally noticed the blistering. Thus I was taken off lamictal. I was risking a heart attack they say. My doctor has been actively trying to come up with a solution, but the only options that seems favorable are not paid for by medicare.

I've been close. I'm going to try to start writing articles when I am fully functional. I can write and in fact got turned down for a job offer, full time due to my ID not being in order. I figure I can freelance when able. I have to try something, so I am playing to my strengths. The bottom line is that I need to be able to work outside of medicare's accepted fair. In order to make this happen I need money. It's probably a long shot, but its my best chance at extra income in my current state.

I will take the advice given here. I will try to help other people when I can. I can offer knowledge and perspective on certain things. You get a broad range of "life experience" when your crazy and stubborn in equal measures. I may not be able to fix my marriage at all, but I haven't stopped trying and I won't. This is probably on of the few statics in my life, its nice to just know some things in concrete. I will never stop trying to master this, to conquer it. Don't get me wrong, this is not bravado nor do I feel all that confident. I just have a romantic attachment with losing battles.

 

I'll say this though, I did not think we would run out of medication options so quickly. Money is a wall now.

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TravisHubbard

God grief man, I feel for you. Amazing you have the strength to put all that out there, and it is good that you did. Spend some time on this board, you might find someone you can relate to.

 

I've heard that some of the meds you get on to deal with emotional and "mental" issues can cause more problems, and then even more when you realize there is an issue and you try to get off the drugs.

 

Have you considered any in-patient options? Like a residential drug treatment facility? I think the Salvation Army has low to no cost programs in many area's of the country.

 

When I went through my divorce almost 13 years ago, I thought it was the end of the world and had some bad, BAD thoughts. Fortunately I didn't act on them, and time does make things better (as trite as that sounds.)

 

Praying for you my brother.

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Harmony, I'm sorry to hear you're having difficulty being able to afford the bipolar-1 drug options that seem to work best for you. What names do those drugs go by? I assume you're talking about several of the newer atypical drugs that usually replace the older drugs like lithium because they have reduced side effects. My foster son has been on lamictal and lithium in the past. I took him to Georgia on two different occasions to visit his biological father. The government pays for his bipolar care because he has been on SSI for a long time. Are you sure your situation doesn't qualify you for SSI assistance?

 

As to the blistering, it sounds like you may have had Stevens–Johnson syndrome (SJS), which is often caused by certain medications. With SJS, however, the blisters usually are on the mucous membranes (e.g., mouth and throat) instead of the external skin. So perhaps your blisters are not called that. In any event, it sure is good you got off lamictal because those types of blisters produce chemicals that are toxic and life threatening -- as you now know.

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HarmonyInDisonance

Well long story short I took something for pain the other day. It interacted with my medications and sent me into an episode. Days after taking the pain killers, when their affects seemed long since over, I got into a fight with my wife.

She told me I wasn't a man, that her father, whom sexually abused her, is twice the man I'll ever be because he could hold a job. She told me that an abusive pedophile is still a better man than me. She told me I was worthless as a man that it made her sick to touch me...

 

She called me stupid and a loser. She said she should have married one of the well to do fellows that were after her instead of me. I have asked her repeatedly not to call me names before. There are a small number of phases that GOD HELP ME, set me off every time.

 

She told me she wanted me out right then and there. I asked her if she would mind if I just went ahead and swallowed a bottle of seroquel. This isn't as melodramatic as it sounds. I just don't have it in me to walk to Kentucky. I don't have the body I did before. I don't even think I can hop a train anymore as my knee would likely break the first time I "disembark". So rather than go back to my old life, I would prefer to simply go to the next.

 

She said she didn't care. She would not however allow me to take the pills. So after some more insults something just snapped. She was standing there doing dishes while we argued. I had a book in my hand, a textbook on christian psychology pertaining to marriage. I had been reading it. She said something, I honestly can't remember what it was though. ALL I remember was an onslaught of raw emotion. I was primal. She had basically gone over a laundry list of the worst possible things to say to me and it was being done intentionally. I had been fighting to stay under control, but I finally lost it.

 

I threw the book at her as hard as I possibly could. It hit her in the right temple and jaw. I'm pretty sure her jaw is broken. She has the most terrible black eye now and can't open her mouth all the way. So Now its over. I tired repeatedly to get her to press charges, but she says she doesn't want police involved in her life. I feel terrible, but she says I don't care. I really do though. I swear on everything holy that I lost control. That I can't remember words when it happened only the desire to hurt her back. It was over in an instant. She was now on the floor holding her eye as it swelled with increasing swiftness. I love this woman, but I hurt her, bad this time.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't go to any kind of classes or marriage counselor because I don't have my birth certificate so no ID. She wouldn't want to do it anyway. I should pay for what I have done, but if I go to jail who takes care of the kids. Perhaps they are better off in public schools. Maybe I am much worse an influence than all the rest of the world combined?

 

I just want to fix it all, but I can't even control my own emotions, so how the hell can I fix all this. I want to die. To pay for my sins. To spare my wife any more horror. To spare my children from learning this behavior. To spare so many. So many. In a second I went from really wanting her dead to feeling so bad for her, so guilty, so worried she was hurt.

 

How can a life like this be reconciled? How can you hate and love a person so much inside of an instant.

 

I fear for my family's safety. I cannot trust myself anymore. I have had dogs like me. They were prone to violent outburst and attacked people at random. There were not safe around my family or anyone else. I put them down rather than try to pass them off to someone else. I could put other people's children in danger so my solution was to deal with them myself. I feel I should be handled the same way. You wouldn't allow an animal half as dangerous as me to run free, so why am I still here???

 

By my own logic I must be put down. The return is not worth it. How many more lives will I destroy? How many times will I hurt my wife? Is there anything I WON'T do if pushed far enough.

 

I am not sure if I can keep going. Before my wife, before I decided to try, I was an outcast. I often wound up in places where skinny white boys were just something fresh to rape and beat. This rage fueled me back then, my faithful friend, my ally, my power... Despite being small I rarely lost or failed to utterly destroy my aggressors. I lost something precious and I wanted the entire world to die. But I gained enormous strength so I called it even.

 

There is no longer a need for this. I cannot control it either. If pushed far enough I lose it. Everything slows down. Other people seem to be crawling along while I have all the time in the world to attack decisively.

 

I cannot allow this to continue. I can't allow anyone else to suffer for this container. There is more monster than me left in this body. By my own logic.

 

I think it's high time me an God meet face to face. I believe in miracles. I also know it is unwise to tempt God, but I pray for his mercy in this. If there is hope I will survive somehow. I just hope I don't wind up in hell. I'm willing to risk it for a chance to talk to to God to hear him say I can do this that I can change! So if you believe, then please pray for me I am about to gamble everything on one chance, one clear communication and I'll try.

 

Its a win win. If God is real and really there that's great! If none of it is real, then I simply cease to exist, saving my family a great deal of pain. I know this will hurt my kids at first, but they will have a better life and that's all i can salvage for them out of this.

 

Thanks all for being there. Trying to help a total stranger. Thank you downtown for looking past the monster and trying to see the human. I'm sure.

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Harmony, that is terrible news. You have good reason to be upset but you're over-reacting to it all. On top of all that, you likely are experiencing a serious episode of depression. Please read the PM I just sent you.

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Downtown - can you please PM me

Familia, no, I'm unable to do so. Until you've satisfied the posting count and time threshold, nobody is allowed to PM you. Hopefully, that will be satisfied soon and you will be able to PM me.

 

P.S. -- if you would like to discuss it here on the open forum, please start a thread and I'll be glad to join your discussion, Familia.

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HarmonyInDisonance

Im sorry. Ill be more detailed later, suffice to say seroquel is nearly impossibe to od on.

 

It does however for some reason strip you of your ability to taste. Sorry again. I'll resond again when I have recovered a little. Head is addled, lots of people pissed at me. Don't know how it got that back, but then again I don't remember alot from about an hour after taking every seroquel in the house. Sorry again please don't worry too much I'm alive, just a little out of it.

 

ty for your concern Im gonna go outside know and try to get some sunlight. Maybe it will help me snap to.

 

Ps. Forgive my grammar I'm still pretty loopy.

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Harmony, I'm glad to hear you still okay. Thanks for touching base with us. Please give us an update when you are feeling more clear headed.

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HarmonyInDisonance

I want to apologize again for worrying anyone. I've never done anything like that before. I was weak and failed. It turns out by the way, that seroquel is the worst suicide method ever. It is almost impossible to die from even ludicrous dosages. I can't taste anything. My head is still foggy. More than anything I feel like a failure. I realize that I am only here because I ate 50 something seroquel and my wife feels sorry for me. It just feels fake. I am sure many will call this a cry for help or attention seeking. If I was outside this situation I would be inclined to believe this myself. However you don't take 50 of something like seroquel, which makes you very sleepy, unless you mean business.

 

I did a little light reading this morning. It turns out that just a few barbiturates with the other stuff would have done the trick. In case anyone is wondering I did not go to the hospital. My daughter told my wife something I was uttering to myself whilst digging through my pill cabinet. They found the big'ol empty bottle. They then researched seroquel overdose and determined the hospital would only monitor me until I woke, so in order to prevent the due course of mental health procedures they kept me home. I have made it clear that being sent away and brain nuked doesn't really help a family man. Taking me away does more harm than good, especially this time of year. It's not as bad as it sounds. I once ate a bottle of some kinda benzo I was prescribed at the time. I did not go to the hospital that time either. Although that time was honestly worse than this go round. I developed a tick during that od that affects me till this day. I have leg shakes now too. How much of this will ever subside I don't know.

 

I may have to leave my family for awhile though. I think something is going to have to give with my treatment. I'll never forget this. I hurt my wife bad this time. I know I have got to get this under control. She still has a black eye days later. A few people have figured out what happened and there is talk of a family beating coming my way. I would embrace it, though admittedly I will have to be bound or I'll fight back. It's just in my nature you can't really reverse an instinct as powerful as survival. It's strange, I could literally be in the middle of the act of suicide and would still fight if someone else tried to end me. I don't really get it myself. I called it a preservation instinct, but the fact is I don't fear the attack. Its pride. When I was about 14, shortly after a stay in a juvenile detention center as a ward of the state, I decided I would never back down. I would die before letting someone, anyone, bend my will. While I was there my name was pretty much honkey or cracker. (I spent my young childhood in DOD systems where racism is completely unknown). At first I did not really care, until I found out what it meant. It occurred that every white guy ever heard even muttering the "N word" was beaten severely if not to death. So where did they get off talking to me this way. Long story short, after demanding to be called by name, and being refused, I returned the favor with a little racial slur of my own. I woke a week later, my collar bone and a few ribs broken. I think I need to do some memory regression. I believe this incident and others haunt me, define me, and cling to my soul.

 

It takes a lot to get me into a physical fight. Typically I would walk away long before a person pushed me to the point of no return. Three situations however cannot be walked away from.

 

Jail or prison: You can be cornered, which happens often. You cannot walk out of a jail cell or commons.

 

The Army: Yep can't walk away from someone pissing you off in basic. I have some very very hilarious stories from that phase of my life. You might get away with a breather at your duty station though. Some funny stories there too. My Drill ended up being stationed at Fort Polk right along beside me as his drill rotation was over. (this is a FINE example of my luck)

 

Family/spouse: You might walk, but not always away as the spouse or family member typically follow you whilst unloading their feelings. This is especially true in the case of the spouse.

 

That last one is the bread and butter of many an altercation. The people in jail mostly had it coming, the folks in the army are tough enough to handle me, but my poor wife should not have to field such abuse. She is tough as nails though, Ill give her that. She once socked me in the face and it actually hurt. I'm not exactly known for being a push over either and thus we get dug in during our heated discussions.

 

I still cannot believe what I have done though. I really screwed up big this time. I hurt her this time. My wife is currently cycling rapidly through several emotional temperments. Downtown, when you get my PM you'll have an especially good understanding of what I mean. She (and swear to god I am NOT projecting here!) seems to be flying back and forth from idealization to loathing. I'm not going to get into detail about how this, uh "presented", but suffice to say I think I've seen the full gamut of human emotion in a few short days. Mind you this is all happening while I am effed out of my mind ala "Fear and Loathing". Today after a cup (okay pot) of coffee I can at least piece the important parts together. My mind is certainly clearing, but I may see some lingering effects from this one. While seroquel doesn't normally kill you, it still causes hallucinations and a general out of body feeling.

 

I don't know what the hell to do now. Last night was strange, but awesome. This morning she hates me again and hangs up on me. Look you cant be greedy; you can't call someone yourself AND hang up on them jeez! By the time she gets home its anyone's guess. I am afraid she might be a little nuts too. Sometimes I wonder if we are all crazy in some way or another. I don't know. I've been called an academic, genius, and other nice things that hing on a score or quota. Despite that I feel as though I don't know a damn thing. Just goes to show that numbers, scores, and other such metrics, barely scratch the surface of the mind and more metaphysically the soul.

 

I have never told anyone but my wife about any of this. It's easier to write it out for a bunch of faceless strangers that to talk to even her about it. I don't understand it but im different in my writing. I've always been around roughnecks and thus sound like one. You would never guess meeting me that I am the face behind this wall of text. People in my life think I am quite and self contained. I just talk with a thick southern accent and use words like y'all in the middle of any conversation.

 

I'm entirely different in writing. My inner monologue doesn't speak with an accent after all. It's just to easy a transition to feel right. I always feel fake. This is what drew my wife in I think. I was just mesmerized by her and sought her attention. I instinctively zeroed in on her interests and persona and reflected them back at her as if there where my own.

 

I think we are going to HAVE to find some kind of counseling. If nothing else to have a third party mediate. We are both too close to the subject and emotion always overwhelms in the end. I feel as though if we could discuss these sensitive issues without succumbing to emotion we may find a path out of this mess. I think I also could benefit from memory regression therapy as I most likely have a litany of PTSD to deal with.

 

Again sorry to worry anyone. I still haven't heard from God, but I'm not pushin daisies either! So relative win? I just wanna crawl in a hole. Every time I spout all of this out across public forums I feel like I betray myself and impose upon others. It has however helped though in ways you guys cannot likely imagine or perhaps I assume overmuch and give credit too little. Thanks to all for reading and replying. Sorry again for scaring anyone. It was kinda selfish as hell. I figured I wouldn't be around so what the hell? That was selfish and indicative of my diagnosis. I am never sure where the line is between disease and responsibility. I cannot and will not ever entertain that I am not directly responsible for all my actions. To take such an easy out is a slippery slope. While current theory and practice would at least diminish my personal responsibility I'm afraid to consider it a standard I can go by.

 

I need to hush now. I'm still feeling "pretty funky" and will probably be embarrassed as all hell when I read this in a few days. I was after all pretty embarrassed reading the previous page. I force myself through this for a reason. It's rare mid episode documentation that I may examine later at my leisure. While mortifying it affords the opportunity for study. I better go now stuff to do.

 

Thanks again and sorry again, I cannot apologize enough.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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HarmonyInDisonance

Well, I am alive. We are still struggling with recent events. I am trying. I don't think I will ever be the same. I lost a decent chunk of brain power. One or two more licks like that one, and I might be dumb enough to be happy!

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Harmony, thanks for returning to give us another update. I'm happy to hear that you've managed to stay alive and work on yourself for the past three weeks. I hope your mind continues to clear from the OD you had with the Seroquel. In your last post a few weeks ago, you said that you both would make an effort to seek counseling there. Did you find a good counselor? I realize you are in rural Georgia but am hopeful you are close enough to a city to have access to counseling.

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HarmonyInDisonance

Hello again downtown. I have been in counseling. It isn't very effective as I only see my counselor about once a month. They also cannot afford to do any family counseling. The main issue now is pain killers. I have chronic issues with pain and they are not going away. I very verrrry rarely take anything stronger than Ibuprofen. There is a good reason for this. The opiates almost always mess with my medication. It cannot be helped. I have simply had to accept that life is not fair. Some things cannot be helped. The fact is that I am going to hurt like hell for the rest of my life. When I say hurt I mean anything from moderate discomfort, to shock and halucinations. I have woke from nights through which the pain caused me to sweat until my mattress was literally a puddle. I go into shock, and I can't think clearly, but I have to keep going. I am trying to make us self sufficient. I farm and am constantly outside working my arse off. I truly believe that my SSD check will just stop coming one day.

 

If this happens, and it will, the food I grow, the rabbits I catch, the fish I net, will become priceless. How do I keep this up though?

 

When my knee finally fails completely what the hell do I do then. I have already designed an exo-prostectic, but how do I **** the money to build it?

 

???

 

I know this if there is no God, there is no hope. I for example cannot see a way to sustain my family, but to God it is possible. I've seen some strange things, seen things that had to have been miracles. I see the subtle clues left for us stretching through the subatomic nexus we call reality! My question of faith is not whether he exists, but does he really care about me? I know it says many times and in many ways that he does. I just cannot fathom how anyone, especially a life form infinitely more complex than human could ever love me. I hate myself. I can't love myself until there is some good reason. I cannot however seem to act on this train of thought for while I may be perfect for a month, just starting to think I can hold out, I will eventually have an episode and destroy all progress.

 

My life is turning into some sort of sick groundhog day.

 

Sorry for the mopy report, I'm just trying to come to grips with being mentally and physically racked for another 20 years.

 

I can't be proud of anything, anything I manage does not even begin to compensate or offset the bad. Hell I don't know what is going to become of me. I'll just have to keep trying I guess. I'm just tired anymore.

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I can't be proud of anything, anything I manage does not even begin to compensate or offset the bad.

On the contrary, Harmony, you have an amazing level of courage to deal with the many hardships life has thrown at you -- and which you've overcome. And, as I told you two years ago, you have a level of self awareness -- together with an ego strength -- that are remarkably rare for a person suffering from BPD (not to mention a person suffering from both BPD and bipolar-1). You are a survivor and have much to be proud of!

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Hi Harmony. Were you aware of a new treatment for PTSD called stellate ganglion block? It's been around for awhile for pain but about four years ago a doctor applied it to a car accident survivor who also happend to have PTSD and it helped. The new thing going around is that PTSD is a nerve injury where nerves become extra sensitive and this block numbs the nerves long enough for the nerves to calm down.

 

Here's a video of patient stories for you:

 

I hope you get better as best you can.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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HarmonyInDisonance

Well I have some pretty good news this time around. My current psychiatrist happened to notice a small issue with my medication. Before this regimen I could take pain killers of any type, in moderation of course. I noticed after starting my current medications that my tolerance for opiates was gone. All the sudden any opiate hit me really hard and lasted for up to 24 hours.

 

This caused some serious issues. My wife thought I was suddenly abusing the stuff I have taken off and on for years. It turns out that the nerotin was agitating me. It also causes opiates to metabolize much more slowly and thoroughly. So in short the nerotin was amplifying the opiates.

 

So Doc told me to stop the nerotin and to take an extra xanax on days I had to take pain killers.

 

The result was shockingly apparent. I am much more stable now. In fact, my family has been repeatedly surprised by my calm in situations that would usually stir the beast.

 

This is good news. I am going to have surgery on my knee soon and in this state I am now taking pain killers daily. I have a system which seems to work for me. I keep all, but ten of my pills elsewhere under lock and supervision. In addition to this every 5 days or so I stop the opiates and switch to over the counter stuff. I do this for 72 hours during which time I drink a lot of water and work outside when I can. Even if all I do is sweat in the sun, in fact that is the point. Doing this allows the opiate to completely clear my system once every week or so. This seems to work nicely and stops physical dependency in it's tracks.

 

My marriages is still "ready to dissolve" as my wife says. She tells me I am only here to take care of her kids. My kids are the crux of all this. The reason for everything I do. My wife on the other hand has finally figured out how to get rid of me. She is just mean. I'm not trying to be the good guy in an online forum either, these are all just the facts. Every time I talk to her she cuts me down. Tells me I am useless as a man. This I hate.

 

I am still hoping I can patch things up with her. She used to be the polar opposite of how she is now. That is mostly my fault, but she still chose her own actions. If I with all these medical "excuses" accept responsibility unflinchingly, surely she, having full control over her facilities, could at least TRY not to **** on me so much. I don't know if we can save the marriage, but the kids... I have told my wife I am willing to be miserable long enough to raise the kids. She also places the children at top priority, but cannot seem to contain her hatred of me.

 

On the bright side, my heart does not ache for her to love me. I cannot force it and I realize that she truly hates me. She has been so mean lately that honestly at this point I wish I could just go. I can't though, we live a different kind of life here. A life that I believe to be potentially perfect. If I go, the food goes. If I go, the heat goes. If I go, the vehicles have to be maintained by a mechanic. If I go the kids must go to public school.

 

I have absolute ZERO resources of my own. My wife is in total control of my disability check. In fact, they won't even discuss anything with me, asking instead to speak with my wife. My birth family which I was forced to disown a long time ago, live in very rural Kentucky. Needless to say it is out of walking distance, I can't hop trains like I did as a teenager. The first time I "disembark" I would probably kill my knee, or whats left of it.

 

I am trying to find us some marriage counseling even if only to aid in communicating through what at some point will likely come to divorce. It's tempting sometimes. My mental health nurse that comes out is ready and waiting to put me in an apartment in some hood. I would live alone, with all my time to do what ever the heck I want to. Basically I get to be fifteen for the rest of my life. I would love it on the surface, but my kids. They could come see me on the weekends. I miss my kids after about 12 hours when they are at their granny's house. I can't imagine only seeing them during supervised visits after being the primary parent for all this time.

 

Whether or not I can take it is not the issue. I believe my kids are better off with me. Seeing me struggle everyday, they can learn the value of grit and persistence. Helping me with the fields they can learn what life truly is, every gritty grain. Food grows, it does not magically appear in grocery stores and my kids get to see that in action. Working the land is fulfilling me more than any academic pursuit ever did. In addition to seeing all the mechanics of human sustainability, they still get a top-notch education that will balance knowledge base with natural gifts, for what I intend to be a very thorough schooling experience.

 

I think its safe to say I am rambling now. I need to get back to work any way. Thanks for reading this I hope that in addition to getting an inside look at the life of a crazy person, someone can benefit from this information in some way.

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