Jump to content

Where to start


Recommended Posts

My husband and I have been together for just over 10 years and have four children. We were the couple that everyone was jealous of, we couldn't get enough of each other. We were rock solid and so very in love. He was, and still is, an amazing father and dedicated husband.

 

Fast forward to a couple of years ago, somehow the spark went out. I really cannot put my finger on exactly what happened, but it did. Sex became a thing of the past (more my own reasons I think), and conversation became less and so did the connecting as a couple. This summer I realized that I was so very numb and made a very selfish decision to find that feeling, the feeling of just anything, in someone's arms. It lasted a few months and my husband found out. I agreed to counselling afterward and after a few sessions realize that I just cannot see myself spending my life with this person anymore. He is comfortable to me as we have been together for so long, but I do not love him or feel love for him anymore.

 

I am starting to look at us separating but have no idea where to start. Logistically I'll need to stay in the home, as I am an at-home mom and spend my days with the kids.

 

How do you even begin to figure out the logistics and then bring those to your partner? Where do you even start....

Link to post
Share on other sites
evanescentworld

You go back to counselling and work on an amicable separation.

 

Counselling isn't necessarily a tool to keep people together.

It's a tool there, for your use, to facilitate level-headed and non-argumentative, productive discussion.

 

I would recommend you make an appointment at a counsellor's and that you tell your H that you have some unfinished business you need to get off your chest, within a 'safe' environment.

 

Break it to him gently, explain your position, and tell him you "love" him, but that you're no longer "IN love" with him.

It will still hurt, it will still be a shock it may yet cause argument of sorts.

but it will give you both a platform upon which to talk things over, in a calm and non-volatile way.

 

Expect emotion, but avoid thinking with your heart, instead of your head.

Link to post
Share on other sites

See my responses in bold below.

 

 

 

 

. We were the couple that everyone was jealous of, we couldn't get enough of each other. We were rock solid and so very in love. He was, and still is, an amazing father and dedicated husband.

 

 

since there were feelings of attraction and passion in the beginning and since you recognize he is a good man, this can be improved and fixed to a degree if you both address it candidly and work on it. You'll never be carefree, childless singles again but the boredom and loss of animal attraction can be overcome.

 

Fast forward to a couple of years ago, somehow the spark went out.

 

the spark didn't go out. It got buried in bills and work and parenthood. The masculine, sexy man that courted you and seduced you as a young single is still in there but he had to adapt to become the good father and dedicated husband you describe him as today. That is the irony here. He became what you wanted him to.

 

He can become the sexy, assertive man that attracted you again, if you address the issues openly and he works at it.

 

 

I really cannot put my finger on exactly what happened, but it did.

 

I put my finger on it above.

 

Sex became a thing of the past (more my own reasons I think), and conversation became less and so did the connecting as a couple.

 

ok this is important, pay attention. Paying bills, going to work, changing diapers, hauling sick kids to doctors etc is not sexy. It's real life. The handsome, charming, sexy stud you married, became a 60-hour-work-week, diaper changing, puke cleaning husband and father and you lost that sexy feeling for him.

 

Men can't be cuddly and 'connected' with women that aren't sexually responsive to them so it became a viscious cycle spiraling downwards.

 

It can be reversed, but it will take openness and work.

 

 

 

This summer I realized that I was so very numb and made a very selfish decision to find that feeling, the feeling of just anything, in someone's arms. It lasted a few months and my husband found out. I agreed to counselling afterward and after a few sessions realize that I just cannot see myself spending my life with this person anymore. He is comfortable to me as we have been together for so long, but I do not love him or feel love for him anymore.

 

 

you can't feel hotness and desire and passion for a man taking care of your kids while you have some other man pounding you with your legs over his shoulders, telling you how hot you are.

 

As long as you are with OM, you can't save your marriage and you can't keep your family intact.

 

I am starting to look at us separating but have no idea where to start.

 

start by doing everything possible to trying to work things out with your H. If you have exhausted all possibilities and there are no options left, then make an exit plan together that is fair and equitable to him since you are the one wanting out.

 

 

Logistically I'll need to stay in the home, as I am an at-home mom and spend my days with the kids.

 

 

you waive all rights to call those shots when you leave your H and take up with another man. What happens to you and what you get will be up to the judge the your H will have every right to go for your throat and toss you into the street with as little as he and his attorney are willing to fight for.

 

You also need to keep in mind that statistically the OM is just in it for a pump and dump and will leave you once he's banged you enough times and is getting bored with you and fed up with the kids and all your baggage.

 

You are being very naive and not looking at any of this realistically. You are going to be getting slapped in the face with some very harsh realities very soon.

 

How do you even begin to figure out the logistics and then bring those to your partner? Where do you even start...

 

start with some very serious marital therapy and probably some individual therapy as well. You're not firing on all cylinders. I don't mean that as a put down. I mean that as your boredom and frustration in marriage, followed by the hormone rush and fog of your affair has left you not seeing the realities here.

 

 

 

 

.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

While I don't agree with every word oldshirt has said, I do agree with the overall premise that you seem to be suffering from Grass Is Greener Syndrome and you may not want to jump full-bore into destroying the relationship until you take some time to figure out exactly what you want and what it all is going to mean for you and for your kids.

 

Truth is, unless there was abuse or cheating or substance addition or he was a terrible dad, or some other deal-breaker, in my opinion you owe it to your husband, yourself and your kids to try and get back to being that "couple everyone was jealous of." Boredom is such a common thing in long-term marriages, especially when young kids and work and household and economic responsibilities start to pile up. It can be tough to even have a moment in your day where you can even devote yourselves fully to each other.

 

A handful of counseling sessions (especially if you have one foot out the door as you seem to have) isn't enough, IMO.

 

Maybe a trial separation would be helpful, but I would recommend several months of counseling and total honesty with your husband about your feelings - before you make any decisions about your long-term future. You could be in a position where you push for a hasty divorce and then regret it a year down the line. Might as well exhaust all of your options now, before you make a mistake you end up regretting.

 

KTB

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I am starting to look at us separating but have no idea where to start. Logistically I'll need to stay in the home, as I am an at-home mom and spend my days with the kids.

 

 

 

If you are a stay at home mom, how do you intend to support yourself and your children after you divorce.

 

Surely you don't think that your husband should still support the lifestyle to which you lived while married. I'm sure you both made the decision to have you stay home, but that was when you were a family unit.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Break it to him gently, explain your position, and tell him you "love" him, but that you're no longer "IN love" with him."

 

 

Not this old claptrap again, how can you realistically encourage anyone to give that speech to a seemingly decent man that deserves much better than what he has been though, and seems to be in the process of suffering yet again ?, my thoughts are with him and the children as they deserve so much better than this shoddy treatment.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
evanescentworld
"Break it to him gently, explain your position, and tell him you "love" him, but that you're no longer "IN love" with him."

 

 

Not this old claptrap again, how can you realistically encourage anyone to give that speech to a seemingly decent man that deserves much better than what he has been though, and seems to be in the process of suffering yet again ?, my thoughts are with him and the children as they deserve so much better than this shoddy treatment.

 

Because it's how she feels. Whether you think it's claptrap or not, it is what it is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Because it's how she feels. Whether you think it's claptrap or not, it is what it is.

 

True, but it is almost a fact of (married) life. No two people are going to retain that crazy level of chemistry, excitement, lust and starry-eyed "in love" feeling for years on end, while dealing with real life. That feeling usually evolves into simply loving your spouse and making a life together that includes bad times as well as good. It is a bad/sad feeling when you realize you are no longer "in love" perhaps...but it is not an automatic deal breaker for most people. Usually there is something else going on.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Because it's how she feels. Whether you think it's claptrap or not, it is what it is.

 

 

It's rubbish and means nothing absolutely nothing, that line is nothing but a cop out to make the cheater feel better about themselves and to partially justify their wayward behaviour, it means nothing and is an insult to any decent intelligent person that deserves so much better from their spouse.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
True, but it is almost a fact of (married) life. No two people are going to retain that crazy level of chemistry, excitement, lust and starry-eyed "in love" feeling for years on end, while dealing with real life. That feeling usually evolves into simply loving your spouse and making a life together that includes bad times as well as good. It is a bad/sad feeling when you realize you are no longer "in love" perhaps...but it is not an automatic deal breaker for most people. Usually there is something else going on.

 

Agreed 100%, couldn't of put it better myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
evanescentworld
It's rubbish and means nothing absolutely nothing, that line is nothing but a cop out to make the cheater feel better about themselves and to partially justify their wayward behaviour, it means nothing and is an insult to any decent intelligent person that deserves so much better from their spouse.

 

If you say so. I don't see it that way.

That's your PoV and you're entitled to it, of course.

Others may disagree with you.

 

Agreed 100%, couldn't of put it better myself.

 

Couldn't *have*. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Because it's how she feels. Whether you think it's claptrap or not, it is what it is.

 

If there is one thing I have learned in my brief time on these boards, it's that basing permanent life decisions solely on "how you feel" at a given moment is a recipe for disaster and heartbreak. There is more to a marriage relationship that the head-in-the-clouds feeling of romantic love. And unless you are willing to ride out a few storms when those feelings take a hit (and in nearly every marriage I have ever witnessed, they will at some point), you are going to find yourself jumping from ship to ship, never really ending up with much of anything that stands the test of time.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
evanescentworld

Actually, on reflection (and after reading other posts) while I believe my advice has some worth, if it runs current with how the OP feels, the posts from others have a great deal of value also, if not more so. It all bears thinking about, and taking into careful consideration.

 

Either way, I think Joint counselling would definitely be in order.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Either way, I think Joint counselling would definitely be in order.

 

HearMeRoar, MC makes sense if for no other reason than to understand your part in this. Without that insight, you might be dooming yourself to a series of relationships that are passionate early and sparkless late...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Do NOT be hasty. You need to go NC with the OM. Give yourself some time to get him out of your head and your feelings more stable. Focus on those kids. Find a class or hobby that makes you happy outside of the marriage. Get yourself a counselor. THEN evaluate your marriage. Do your damn best to "put your finger on it" and give your amazing as a dad dedicated husband a chance to work it out WITH you first. Give him clear communication, not subtle hints. Divorce is hell for everyone, think big picture and do not be flippant about this decision. Life will not necessarily be better and it will definitely be harder, especially if youve been a SAHM. Check out a divorce support group meeting sometime and talk to people who are currently going through it for a reality check. Barring the abuse/dealbreakers, marriages are worth saving, especially if there are kids, especially if you both remember when it was good.

Link to post
Share on other sites
toolforgrowth

I always recommend a thought experiment before making any decisions.

 

Picture your husband a couple years after your divorce. He's found happiness away from you, has moved on, and has resumed living his life. He begins dating again. After a while, he meets a new woman that takes his breath away and makes him forget about you. Sure, you're the mother of his children, but he no longer associates that title with "wife" or "partner" or "lover". He's found someone else to whom he grants those titles.

 

Could you picture him happily ever after in another woman's arms knowing that could have been you if you hadn't cheated and thrown in the towel?

 

My xWW felt the same way as you did during her affair. Now, three years later, she is remarried. I was single half of that time, and she was all kinds of nice to me. Now that I have a girlfriend who is wonderful, she's become the ice queen. It's pretty obvious.

 

I have no regrets. I did everything I could to save my marriage and family, and I failed. But I'm okay with that. I moved forward with a clear conscience. And when her affair fell apart and she found out the grass really wasn't greener, I was already gone...buried in the arms of my exgirlfriend who was way hotter and giving me lovin I hadn't had in over ten years.

 

Be careful what you wish for...you may get it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...