My Wife Just Left...

[agoodperson]

Well here is my situation. My wife of 15 years decided that right after Christmas she wanted to leave me. We are two professionals with great jobs and 3 wonderful children. We never fight and I do not drink, smoke, or abuse her in any way. This whole episode has me confused and very upset. I love her with my whole heart and obviously that feeling is not mutual.

 

 

She told me about a week ago she wanted to leave. I read all the books and forums and found that you are to give them the space they need to figure out what they want. So I helped her get a place 2 minutes away from the house. I have asked her to reconsider, but she is set on leaving for some reason. She has already sat down with me and discussed splitting all the assets and the custody of our three children. (Remember that just a week ago, I was madly in love and thought she was too! ) It is like I am living in a nightmare that just gets worse every single day. She will have the kids have of the time, but they are going to be dropped off here at the house on school nights so they can sleep in their normal beds. I am at a point that I am loss and very confused. I asked her to go to counseling with me, and after a while she said should would go by herself and that I should go see one as well because I was upset. (She basically said that if she had to see one that I should have to as well...which I didn't argue at all about...even though I am not the one with the problems.) I did ask her why, and the only answers I get is that she "Loves me, but is not in love with me" I am 6'3'' 200 lbs and a decent looking guy. So it leaves me to believe that there may be someone else. She is always on her phone and when I get close to her, she says I am bothering her. All affection in the relationship has ended with her uptime on the phone. I see her laughing when she is on it and basically, all she does is sit around and play on it. She has gone on 3 separate trips in the last 12 months without me, and has never done that before in 15 years. She said she had to see if she missed me and she said she didn't. But, I don't know the friends she went on the trips with to confirm all of the information she told me. Like I said, I am heart broken right now and very confused. Any words of condolence would be greatly appreciated and your opinions valued.

 

 

Thanks...A Good Person

[LoveMyCat]

Well here is my situation. My wife of 15 years decided that right after Christmas she wanted to leave me. We are two professionals with great jobs and 3 wonderful children. We never fight and I do not drink, smoke, or abuse her in any way. This whole episode has me confused and very upset. I love her with my whole heart and obviously that feeling is not mutual.

 

 

She told me about a week ago she wanted to leave. I read all the books and forums and found that you are to give them the space they need to figure out what they want. So I helped her get a place 2 minutes away from the house. I have asked her to reconsider, but she is set on leaving for some reason. She has already sat down with me and discussed splitting all the assets and the custody of our three children. (Remember that just a week ago, I was madly in love and thought she was too! ) It is like I am living in a nightmare that just gets worse every single day. She will have the kids have of the time, but they are going to be dropped off here at the house on school nights so they can sleep in their normal beds. I am at a point that I am loss and very confused. I asked her to go to counseling with me, and after a while she said should would go by herself and that I should go see one as well because I was upset. (She basically said that if she had to see one that I should have to as well...which I didn't argue at all about...even though I am not the one with the problems.) I did ask her why, and the only answers I get is that she "Loves me, but is not in love with me" I am 6'3'' 200 lbs and a decent looking guy. So it leaves me to believe that there may be someone else. She is always on her phone and when I get close to her, she says I am bothering her. All affection in the relationship has ended with her uptime on the phone. I see her laughing when she is on it and basically, all she does is sit around and play on it. She has gone on 3 separate trips in the last 12 months without me, and has never done that before in 15 years. She said she had to see if she missed me and she said she didn't. But, I don't know the friends she went on the trips with to confirm all of the information she told me. Like I said, I am heart broken right now and very confused. Any words of condolence would be greatly appreciated and your opinions valued.

 

 

Thanks...A Good Person

 

It does sound like she is at the least, flirting with another man, if not having an actual physical affair. But with her moving out, it may turn into a full affair, if it has not already. A lot of people move from the "in love" to "love, but not in love" stage, it happens in most marriages, in my opinion, but most do not take such drastic action. All you can really do is take care of your kids and yourself, while she determines if a separation or divorce is really what she wants. You can't force a person to love you, or want to be with you. I am sure you know that.

 

All that said, it sounds like you suffered a severe shock, if this came out of the blue. Maybe talking to a therapist would help. Also, keeping busy, of course, and trying to keep the rest of your life intact and on track.

 

Maybe she will change her mind. But it might be better not to count on that happening. Nothing wrong with hoping, even letting her know your desires, but if you put too much pressure on her, she may take action to end the marriage sooner rather than later.

 

Sorry for your pain...best wishes.

[Satu]

The most important thing just now is to take good care of yourself, physically and emotionally, which means:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2L for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell, go to see your doctor.

 

You need someone to talk to about what is happening and how you feel. That could be a friend, counsellor, or anyone else who you trust. If possible, it would be good if there is someone you could talk to on a daily basis for a while.

 

The sooner you put those things in place, the better for you.

 

Sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation.

[clevelander321]

She found another man.. Women do not just move out like this without another man around..Text book.. My wife said the same exact things and over time I found out all of the details.. The separate trips are a clue, as well as how she acts with her phone.

[scatterd]

I feel for you I am in the same kind of situation.The differance is we are still in the house and its been horrible.He blames me of doing something and then turns around does it to me to get a reaction. I also did not know where it all came from he did it just before the holidays. Their is not much we can do but I do know that asking to get back together does not work. No amount of talking helps because he does not communicate and history has been rewritten.Cry if you need to and try to take care of your self. It seems marriage is not a life time commitment to some people.Big Hugs

[agoodperson]

She found another man.. Women do not just move out like this without another man around..Text book.. My wife said the same exact things and over time I found out all of the details.. The separate trips are a clue, as well as how she acts with her phone.

 

I have to tell you that I believe she an emotional connection with someone online. She denies this and has shown me zero affection since breaking the news. Telling the kids was horrible. She continues her day as nothing has changed. The worse part is we work together but in different parts of the building. Her parking spot is next to mine. It is torture in the worse way. Honestly, I just want the truth. But I don't see that happening because I fear she wants to protect her image and rights to the kids. Then again...I could be wrong and she is just abandoning me for reasons only she knows. I would appreciate your input...it helps.

[KBarletta]

This story sounds remarkably similar to my own, which started about 2.5 months ago, so I will share what I have learned in that time:

 

1. She wants to go, so the only good move is to let her go. Every other decision: Arguing, pleading, declarations of love, flowers, phone calls, etc., these will only serve to push her further away right now. Resist these at all costs. Once you've made it clear that you think she's made a mistake by leaving, you need to back away and let her find her way.

 

2. She is making a break from you - for your own sanity, you need to do the same. Don't call, text, e-mail or drive/walk/stop by. Keep any contact limited to issues regarding your children. Remove the things from your surroundings (photos, mementos, etc.) that remind you of her (good or bad), box them up and put them in a closet out of sight. Disconnect from her on social media and resist the urge to call her family and friends for insight or comfort. This will only hurt you right now.

 

3. You now have a new best friend: YOU. Be the best friend to yourself that you can. Make a list of things you've always wanted to do/be. Now do them. Become a better person. Think of this time as a gift and use it wisely. Your choices are to sit around and wallow in self pity or get up off the ground and start working on becoming a better person. You already know what the better choice is. But go easy on yourself, just like a friend would. You're going to be sad. Let that happen. Just don't wallow in it. Let it come like a wave, and then let it go. Cry if you need to, but then snap out of it and push the negative out of your head. Get out of the house and get your mind on other things and other people.

 

4. By all means, talk to people. See a therapist, go out with friends, talk to family members and co-workers if appropriate. Keep a journal of your thoughts and when you feel them spiraling out of control, write them down instead of letting them fester. Keep posting here.

[clevelander321]

I have to tell you that I believe she an emotional connection with someone online. She denies this and has shown me zero affection since breaking the news. Telling the kids was horrible. She continues her day as nothing has changed. The worse part is we work together but in different parts of the building. Her parking spot is next to mine. It is torture in the worse way. Honestly, I just want the truth. But I don't see that happening because I fear she wants to protect her image and rights to the kids. Then again...I could be wrong and she is just abandoning me for reasons only she knows. I would appreciate your input...it helps.

 

It might have started online, but for her to actually move out I would almost guarantee they have something going on in person.

 

I just found out about my wife cheating 6 months ago.. I filed for divorce..

 

To this day, she never admitted anything.. She knows I know.. Her family told me.. I saw this man sending her money.. I saw a photo of them on the internet kissing.. But she will never just come clean and allow me closure..My son came over talking about his "new daddy", and she said my son was lying.. She will never admit anything..

 

It is very hard.. Hardest thing in life in my opinion.. Just know you are not alone, it happens more often than we think, and it is not your fault..

 

My ex wife claimed she left because I didn't buy her a certain dress 3 years ago, said i did not hold her hand enough etc... Just trying to shift blame onto me..

 

I finally totally cut her out of my life, in that I told her not to text me anymore, call etc.. I stopped returning all messages not related to my son in an important way.. She freaked out and came over crying, told me I was a good husband, but still did not admit any wrongdoing.. Sometimes we just need to move on and forget...You probably will not get the apology and honesty you deserve.

[Ralph79]

A Good Person:

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Like other posters on this thread, I too experienced the exact same reaction from my now ex-wife, and although my circumstances were different, we all share common feelings. Here is a few key points I would want to point out that might prove useful throughout this nightmare.

 

1. What you are going through is one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced in my life. To put things in perspective, I lost my father, the most influential person and a foundation of my life in the same month my wife left me for good. So I felt like two of my biggest pillars of support were "taken" from me. At the time the pain of losing my ex outweighed the pain of losing my dad. This is not easy, but keep in mind, there are a lot of people who love you, and a lot of people that are hurt just by seeing you hurt. Reach out to them.

 

2. Do what you feel you must do. Talking in these forums is a great start. I've read all the posts, and they all have great advice. Ultimately you might disregard all advice except the one that feels right in your heart. Know that there are no right or wrong things you can do from this point on. What you have to understand is, your marriage , like any relationship is something BOTH you and her have to work on. If she is set on leaving it, then she probably did some soul searching and feels this is something she must do. Just try and keep this in your head and believe this: "You don't deserve this". Turn back the clock to the day after your wedding. If either of you pulled a stunt like this to the other, I bet you ANYTHING the reaction would've been different. You probably would have shown her the door. You are just as deserving of a happy life right now as you were back then. Think about it.

 

3. You want to know the truth.... The truth is , you are asking the wrong questions. Stop asking yourself "why is she doing this?", "is she seeing someone?", "how can she so nonchalant about this?"... Start looking in the mirror and ask "Who am I?", "What can I do to make MY life better?", "How can I be an even better father to my children?".

 

4. Your wife, in her current state, is a cancer to you. This is out of your hands. The sooner you cut ties, the better off you will be. I'm not saying your marriage is over but there is nothing you can do right now to make her stay. If you somehow manage to convince her, you will regret it unless she has resolved her inner demons first. As bad as I felt when my Ex left me, I felt 10 times worse when she was around during her impending departure. She needs to want you back. Focus on yourself , on your life, and one day , that spark might return, but you have to do it for yourself or else it'll never work. Remember, you don't deserve to be going through this.

[chew123]

Agoodperson,

 

Sorry you are joining the club. I really cannot believe how many women are doing this these days. I am about 3 months in. Trust me it gets better and pretty fast if you accept it, take care of yourself, and just let her go.

 

My wife left me for her affair partner. I chose not to pursue the details cause the bottom line was that she did not want me anymore and that was all I needed to know.

 

One thing that stuck in my head while going through this was why would I want someone who doesn't want me. And you know what, I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't genuinely want to be with me.

 

You sound like a good guy. Follow the advice you receive from others on this site and you will recover and be better then ever.

[KBarletta]

She needs to want you back.

 

As someone who has spent a good bit of time thinking about and hoping for reconciliation, this is a very important point to keep in mind:

 

There is nothing you can do to "make" her want you back, so it doesn't make sense to even try. All you can do is concentrate on your own happiness, healing and health.

 

If you are to have hope of a reconciliation, it will take a good bit of time - months at least. And whatever happens, if anything, with her has to come naturally and it has to be based on concrete things, not because she misses you or has exhausted other options and used you as a backup.

 

It's important to remember (as I keep reminding myself) that the old relationship is dead. Mourn that, and realize that anything that comes from this date on will have to be something new and better, either with her or someone else.

[Mr. Lucky]

Honestly, I just want the truth.

 

OK, here's the truth:

 

She doesn't want to be married to you.

 

As many others who shared hard-earned facts have already pointed out, you can choose to waste months or years denying this truth.

 

Or you can take some time to grieve, pull your self together for your own sanity and sake of your kids and get your life back together.

 

Those are the only two choices, there is no "C). All of the above".

 

Much experience and good advice here. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dental]

Help her pack. Go completely independent. Like yesterday. She views you a a p*ssy. Show her you're not.

[agoodperson]

I am only a week into this and last night was the 1st time in 16 years I slept alone. It was not a good experience. Reading everyone's comments are helping me get through the workday. I still am haunted by the "why" and what I will find out as time marches forward. I am starting to realize the old relationship is dead, but I don't know what to do now. It really is a horrible confusing time. It is like living in a fog.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she's cheating on you.

 

 

Let me guess:

 

 

1. You got the "ILYBINILWY" Speech which is straight out of the cheaters handbook.

 

 

2. She protected her phone like Fort Knox. You saw her texting and laughing and always talked on the phone out of earshot of you.

 

 

3. she went on 3 trips without you to see if she would miss you. Dude, she went on those trips to go screw this other guy. Where did she go anyway?

 

 

4. She moved out because she's tired of hiding it. She gets her own place and she can now Skype out in the open with this guy. Walk around the apartment talking to this guy on the phone openly without the possibility of you overhearing something you shouldn't. And she can leave her phone laying around without fear of you seeing a text that could have come through while she's in the shower or whatever.

 

 

Let me also guess that the kids are with you. She's in the affair fog where she'll do anything to protect her affair even if it means losing her family. If you find out that there is another guy, how does it feel that she gave up her kids to be with this dude?

 

 

You need to see a lawyer and right now. Now you only need to worry about two things yourself and your kids. The lawyer needs to run with this right now. She's not thinking straight and this only helps you in the long run. Your lawyer can establish to the courts that she abandoned the family home. SO, you won't be forced out. I speculate that she only has a one bedroom apartment. So, you should get sole custody of the kids and she'll need to start paying you child support. If you do these things, she's going to have a major wake up call. She may start to realize that her affair and going to cost her...A LOT!

[MJJean]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

1) See a lawyer. Right now, you both have equal custody. She can come get the kids and take them anywhere she wants. So can you. This can get ugly. It's best to have a custody order in place that can be enforced in case someone loses their ever lovin mind.

 

2) See a counselor. I say this with charity, EVERYONE has problems. None of us get from birth to adulthood unscathed. She may be the one had problems in the marriage and who left, but that's not to say that you don't also have issues. Find out in therapy where your weaknesses and faults are and try to work on those issues to become a better man and father.

 

3) I have to agree with the other posters that she is likely physically and/or emotionally involved with someone else. The phone, the trips, the sudden departure for her own place all point to that. I'm sorry.

 

Take the advice and support offered here. I haven't been around long, but these folks seem to rock!

[agoodperson]

At this point...I am not able to think straight. So she may be cheating, but it is a long distance thing if so. She gave up the house and made me the custodial parent already. (She wrote it out) she got 2 bedroom so the kids can sleep there 2 nights out of 14 and I get them 12 nights out of 14. She will have them half the days and so will i. I never dreamed of a day where I wouldn't see my children. It is soul crushing to say the least. The only thing that makes sense to me is that she met someone online and that person has convinced her to move out. We are both decent looking people and I can see someone falling for her hard. (I know I did ) she is very intelligent. (Valedictorian) she is also very very good at hiding things from me. Like I said...she goes about her day as if all is normal while I watch my children cry tears of sorrow. What do you say to your kids when they ask you why? I do what the book says and say only nice things about her, but I'm very angry she has destroyed the family and not given me a real answer.

[agoodperson]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

1) See a lawyer. Right now, you both have equal custody. She can come get the kids and take them anywhere she wants. So can you. This can get ugly. It's best to have a custody order in place that can be enforced in case someone loses their ever lovin mind.

 

2) See a counselor. I say this with charity, EVERYONE has problems. None of us get from birth to adulthood unscathed. She may be the one had problems in the marriage and who left, but that's not to say that you don't also have issues. Find out in therapy where your weaknesses and faults are and try to work on those issues to become a better man and father.

 

3) I have to agree with the other posters that she is likely physically and/or emotionally involved with someone else. The phone, the trips, the sudden departure for her own place all point to that. I'm sorry.

 

Take the advice and support offered here. I haven't been around long, but these folks seem to rock!

 

 

 

Thank you for writing. We have agreed in writing how the kids will be taken care of. I am seeing a counselor today and will let you know how that goes. This site is very therapeutic.

[Chi townD]

Where did she go on these trips? Where they to a place that she's never been before? And can you verify she actually went to these places? Who did she stay with? How long was she gone?

 

 

It harder for you to find out other things since she's left the home. The only thing I can think of is that she parks her car next to yours. Do you have a spare key? That car is still considered a marital asset. You could place a voice activated recorder in that car and see if she's talking to anyone else. But, that may not work. Cheaters usually communicate in the car when they still live in the home. Now that she's out, no need to save those phonecalls for the car.

 

 

Do you have a home computer that the both of you have used?

[clevelander321]

Just also wanted to add that my cheating ex used that same exact line.."I went on vacation because I wanted to see if I would miss you" She went on vacation because some other guy paid for it and she said she had to visit family..

 

So of course while she was gone we did not get along.. Things weren't adding up, I was asking questions, and she then used this to say "See, we do not miss each other.. Always fighting"

[MJJean]

At this point...I am not able to think straight. So she may be cheating, but it is a long distance thing if so. She gave up the house and made me the custodial parent already. (She wrote it out) she got 2 bedroom so the kids can sleep there 2 nights out of 14 and I get them 12 nights out of 14. She will have them half the days and so will i. I never dreamed of a day where I wouldn't see my children. It is soul crushing to say the least. The only thing that makes sense to me is that she met someone online and that person has convinced her to move out. We are both decent looking people and I can see someone falling for her hard. (I know I did ) she is very intelligent. (Valedictorian) she is also very very good at hiding things from me. Like I said...she goes about her day as if all is normal while I watch my children cry tears of sorrow. What do you say to your kids when they ask you why? I do what the book says and say only nice things about her, but I'm very angry she has destroyed the family and not given me a real answer.

 

The paper she wrote out is worthless. You need a court order on file for any agreement to be of any use legally.

 

My ex left the kids with me. He said he wanted weekend visits and phone calls, etc. I agreed. We didn't have the money to file at the time, but we were being civil. After about 3 months he took the kids for his weekend visit and decided not to bring them home. I called the police and they flat out told me that because we had no legally binding agreement in place we both had equal custody and could take the kids anywhere in the world. They advised me to file for custody asap. They told me they could take me to his house to pick up the kids, but without a custody agreement they couldn't prevent him from taking the kids right back with help from the police in his city. So, there was nothing they could do for me. Thankfully, my ex returned the kids 3 days later when he realized taking care of kids is hard and cramps his dating style.

 

Your wife is, you think, involved in a long distance affair. If she decides to go be with her affair partner she can legally take the kids with her (even to another country) and without a legally binding custody agreement in place through the courts there is not a lot you can do about it. SEE A LAWYER.

[agoodperson]

She went to Baltimore to visit old college friends. Then to Harrisburg to visit them again. Then another shopping trip out of town. She went to Vegas with girls I don't know this time. She got pissed when I asked for her to send pictures. She sent one pic with her and 2 girls to my daughter at a casino. I could do the same if I had to. No pics from the shopping trips with her friends. All trips were to different cities. Receipts all match up. (I do the bills) it is crazy how secretly she has been but totally denies anything or anyone influenced her decision to leave her family. Who does this to their own family.

 

As for the cars...I own 4 different ones and gave her one when she left. It is so messed up. We have a nice nest egg and she knows that. She has the means and obviously now the will to destroy our family and I just don't know why for sure. This sucks.

[whichwayisup]

My suggestion is, do family counseling with your kids and ask her to join you with them. If she doesn't want to go, then go without her. Your kids need get used to what's going on, all the changes and having their lives turned upside down. A good therapist can help with that and also help you cope with it all too.

 

If there is someone else (and by her behaviour, there probably is) make a rule that the new guy is NOT to be around your kids. Tell her that's not fair to the kids at all.

 

She left and doesn't want to be married to you so only deal with her when it has to do with the kids. Don't be a friend to her, don't have chummy chats or anything. As hard as it'll be, keep your emotions to yourself, don't show her how devastated you are, she'll use that against you and try to control everything.

 

Sorry that you're going through this.

 

Rely on good friends and family to help you too and also get a lawyer. You need to make sure you are protected.

[aMguilts]

agoodperson

 

many on here will say

that for a marriage to fail after so many years there's

got to be 'another' person invloved.

 

it's bull****-most of the time

 

1 thing I WILL say to you thou

 

STOP HELPING HER!!!!

 

SHE WANTS OUT. She can sort herself out

aM

[Chi townD]

Well, nothing you can do right now except talk to a lawyer.

 

 

It will only be a matter of time before she goes on one of her "trips". Find out where she's going and then maybe hire a PI in the area that she's going to be at. Maybe that will give you piece of mind knowing the truth.