Ability to concentrate

[kenmore]

Hi all.

 

My wife told me about a month ago to expect divorce papers in the mail. I have been expecting them, but they still haven't arrived, so I decided to go to the courthouse today and look at the petition.

 

I knew what to expect. She told me what it contains, and she was true to her word, but actually seeing the dissolution papers with her name signed somehow took me aback.

 

For months I have been fighting the distraction of this in other aspects of my life, and somehow I have functioned, though I'm sure at a reduced capacity. Today's sting re-opened the wound and I guess ripped away any denial I had protecting me, so once again I find it impossible to concentrate on work.

 

I can't allow this to affect my future in this way. My future is already screwed up enough due to the divorce, but I can't let it affect my work. My first feeling today was anger: "how could she really do this to us? The Bitch!" Now, it's that creeping distraction that makes it impossible to focus.

 

Does anyone have any "tricks" or techniques that helped them to at least function in society while going through this? Feeling the anger does help, but inevitably it fades into pain, so that's not a long term solution. Also, I'm not really that angry. She's entitled to her feelings and if she no longer wants me, so be it.

 

I have tired concentrating on that fact, and that if she no longer wants me, why do I want her anymore? Of course, that is no solution either.

 

Any suggestions?

[scatterd]

Its hard I know it takes time.Stay busy,talk to people you trust,Do what you can to keep your mind off it.Cry,scream what ever helps.I am so sorry for you it will get better though. big hugs

[Mr. Lucky]

I used controlled exhaustion. Every day after work (if I didn't have my son) I rode my bike, played tennis, ran, walked and stayed physically active until I couldn't hold my head up. Slept, got up , went to work, back on the bike, lather, rinse, repeat. Not only did I stay busy but made new friends and forged new relationships, eventually some with women :-)

 

It sure beat my original plan, which involved a dark room and bottle of tequila. Get busy and stay moving, you'll leave the pain behind...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kenmore]

Thank you two for your replies.

 

Scatterd, I do understand that it is one of those things that will just take time, but it's affecting my potential livelihood and I'm so far behind in that, I can't afford it. I really appreciate your big hugs though! It's nice to know someone gives a crap.

 

Mr Lucky, my current plan is just like your old one, but involves whiskey. It works great during the evenings, but not so much in the mornings Cheers!

 

Mostly I'm disappointed in myself. My first marriage lasted almost 17 years and ended in my spouses death. People called that a "successful marriage". If that's so, then this one is a failure for sure. I hate failing! I have failed too much in this life and need to friggin' win for awhile!

 

I really can't understand why something I already knew could cause me so much of a setback. I admit I was a little confused whether it was really a divorce or a separation (my future x called it both and either on different occasions and the court website called it a separation), and now knowing it IS both, of course, hurt; but I had assumed it was divorce all along since she called it both in one email, and of course, she's never wrong.

 

I don't know. Losing my first wife was very difficult but it was absolute. There was no ambiguity, it was friggin' over. She was dead. The false hope and distraction of this seems as bad as that. It shouldn't, but it just is.

 

I just want it to end!

Edited December 17, 2014 by kenmore

[jakrbbt]

I had very pronounced distraction for months. I'm about 10 weeks into the actual separation, and the distraction is finally waning.

 

I have even been too distracted to exercise. No way. And I'm a former serious athlete.

 

Here is what has worked for me:

 

1. One day, when I found myself walking loops in the hallways at work, I simply went home. I finally admitted to myself that I was wasting everyone's time there and needed to be "sick" for the day.

 

2. Classical music. I started with Mozart's "Magic Flute" and the 1812 Overture. Now I have a constant playlist at home and in the car. No, I was not a huge classical music nerd before. It's specifically the divorce. Try it, it'll loosen up your brain muscles similar to an athlete getting a hard massage. The fibers can then re-grow the right way.

 

3. Talk to your supervisors if that makes sense in your work situation. Tell them you're going through a divorce and that you need some time to recover from the shock, that you can still be on-task but they can expect you to need extra support here and there for awhile. Likely they just want you to have good output, and are happy to help you through this so you can do so. They've already invested in you. But do all this only if you work for a good company that treats its employees right. And if you're your own employer, then you should budget for some down-time and decreased productivity. Not a lot, maybe 10 or 20 per cent. Consider it a cost of business, and you'll be calmer and maybe that alone will increase your focus.

 

4. Take one to two days off per week for the first month, if you have the vacation time saved up. That's likely to be more effective than taking a chunk of time to "vacation." This isn't vacationing, this is recovering from a shock. After that month, your focus will come back.

 

5. Talk to yourself out-loud while working. Narrate your tasks. It's hard to talk about one thing and think of something else.

You could go further, and film yourself working. Like a documentary. Then, watch it.

 

6. Take a ridiculous amount of breaks and just schedule for them. For instance, I'm a lawyer and I write briefs. I found it helped to set my timer for a break every six minutes. If I didn't feel like I needed the break, great. But often I did. That way, while I was working, if I felt distracted then I knew a break was right around the corner. I just added up the six-minute increments and added them to my number of 15-minute breaks, to determine how much actual time I'd need to get a job done (yes, three times as long as usual, but that's better than nothing!).

 

Good luck. Know that the distraction is the beginning-part. It gets better quickly.

[tippydog90]

Kenmore,

I understand your feelings 100% completely. I was married once when I was much younger and lost my husband to cancer. My divorce has been infinitely more painful than the death of my husband. A death is final, there is no "hope" there are no "what ifs", you are forced to immediately accept reality because there are no options. My divorce was so, so much more painful because he is still out there and I am still here. I wanted to work things out, he just wanted his "freedom". He was emotionally abusive as well which has made things so much more difficult as well. And I am now a single mom of a 3 year old and he is never around. So I feel your pain and I understand the vast difference between the pain when you lose a spouse to death and the pain due to divorce. The pain is significantly different.

[kenmore]

Thank you for your replies!

 

Jakrbbt, I have tried some of your suggestions, but have not tried your idea of scheduling breaks regularly. Music of any kind just turns my stomach now. I just keep associating it with past events, and classical (which I ordinarily like) just brings me down. I will give the breaks a try. The problem I'm facing is that I'm in the midst of a career change. I cannot get a job in my previous career (electronics design) because I have been doing it for one company (our family business) for almost 30 years. Employers want recent graduates or maybe someone with up to seven years experience. Sad as it is, my experience is my handicap because that field is a continuously evolving one.

 

So, as you can see, what I'm doing now which is studying for a license in insurance is so critical to me now. this is my only real hope for a decent career. I really can't afford to take too long nor to not absorb the information properly. A few extra breaks won't be a problem though.

 

Tippydog, this is the second time I have felt a real bond with you. I mentioned it in a different post. We seem to have a lot of similarities in our situations. Your husband "wanted his freedom" and my wife "is happier alone." She has been single for about 85% of her life, and most of her married time was with me (5th anniversary coming up in Feb.) Looking back I should have seen that as a red flag, but when one falls in love, those flags are so much harder to see. She really prefers to be single, and my current lack of a job gave her the excuse she needed to become single again.

 

I prefer being married which is why I proposed to her in the first place. Once I get it through my thick skull that this marriage is ending because she simply doesn't want it, it should be easier for me to move on. I am getting there, but I have a completely new life ahead of me and I will have to do it completely alone. I keep trying to convince myself that it will be better or at least as good as what I have had. And, of course the thought of dating again is friggin' agonizing! the one thing I can honestly say, though, is that I will miss both wives a great deal.

[tippydog90]

Kenmore, I understand. It is so very hard. I still have a hard time accepting it is over, wondering why he could say such incredibly cruel things, and wondering how it was so easy for him to just walk away. It is like we never mattered. For the first few months, I couldnt concentrate at all, it was so hard at work. Then I felt better for a while, and now I am back in a very depressed state. It is hard to come to terms that I am alone now with my little girl, and will likely always be alone. I guess I just have to accept what is now. Everyone says it will get better and someday I will be grateful, I just cant see that now. Maybe someday. Hang in there.

[jakrbbt]

Don't underestimate the power of breaking up a task into teeny tiny sub-tasks. Do one at a time. Only focus on one sub-task at a time.

 

If you find you're not doing a "sub-task," break it up into even smaller sub-tasks.

 

You'll find one that's small enough to do, then you'll do the next one. The trick is not to think of anything beyond the small "sub-task" that you're about to complete.

 

Good luck.

[Ronni_W]

I prefer being married which is why I proposed to her in the first place. Once I get it through my thick skull that this marriage is ending because she simply doesn't want it, it should be easier for me to move on.

Did that come out the way you intended it to, kenmore? (Image of your proposal being more, or a lot, about you just not liking to be alone and thus perhaps rushing into this marriage...drank the wine before it's time, sort of.)

 

Because, if so, then perhaps your mind might take kindlier to a gentler message, like, "it's ending because it happened too soon" or "because I/we rushed into it" or "because it's possible it shouldn't have happened in the first place".

 

I mean...the message that you're trying to drill into your "thick skull" now, is a little too harsh (for your own heart and psyche), and may not be 100% the ONLY truth about it. And, even if, I'd still try to find a kinder way to give the message to said heart and psyche.

 

It sucks a great deal. Big hugs.

[Ronni_W]

Everyone says it will get better and someday I will be grateful, I just cant see that now.

Big hugs to you also, tippydog.

I will hold with you a vision for those brighter, happier days ahead for you and your daughter.

(To riff on whatever TV ad for whatever product, "Can you see it now?" -- if we just keep seeing it...then maybe we'll see it, yes? )

 

Wishing you all the best.

[Justanaverageguy]

Yeah I definitely agree with a lot of comments in this thread. I've been broken up for 8-9 months and to be honest I'm no longer depressed and no longer heart broken. I do still have down days but I have really turned the corner and think about my ex less and less.

 

The weird thing for me is - I still find it very hard to concentrate at work or to find any motivation. Even though most of the pain, anger, hurt etc are now gone and I'm finding myself in a much better place personally - I'm still struggling at work. It seems so less important then it once did. I was previously a bit of a work-aholic and being honest it contributed somewhat to the end of my relationship. I was promoted quickly into a senior manager role at a young age. Lots of responsibility, lots of work with very long hours but also lots of money.

 

None of that seems overly important to me anymore. While I was good at my job, really enjoyed it and wanted to make something of myself professionally - I think I now realize that most of the reason I worked so exceedingly hard was because I wanted to build a good life for myself and my partner. Be a good provider so we could buy a house which we did and get ahead financially so we were comfortable could do the things we had planned and have kids without having finances be an issue. We had goals and targets we made and would track and tick off. I had spreadsheets of paying off the house and would send regular updates showing progress etc.

 

Now with those plans gone - I just find I have no motivation for the work or the money - it means absolutely nothing to me. I have never been an overly material person and now I just feel I have no reason to work harder. I find myself constantly distracted and doing the bare minimum to get by.

 

Feels so odd for me - lost my drive - determination - ambition when it comes to work. Just no longer seems important.

[chew123]

Justanaverageguy,

 

I am in the same place as you regarding work. It was always a means to an end for me, and the end was providing a comfortable secure life for my family.

 

Well I did that, which is kind of a good thing since there is enough money for the 2 of us to comfortably establish our new separate lives. Problem is I don't care about work anymore to the point that I slack off quite a bit.

 

I was planning to retire next year and travel with wife before the bombdrop so the loss of this is part of the demotivation I think.

 

As I am starting a brand new life, I think part of it may have to include getting a new job to put it all behind me.

[kenmore]

Did that come out the way you intended it to, kenmore? (Image of your proposal being more, or a lot, about you just not liking to be alone and thus perhaps rushing into this marriage...drank the wine before it's time, sort of.)

 

Because, if so, then perhaps your mind might take kindlier to a gentler message, like, "it's ending because it happened too soon" or "because I/we rushed into it" or "because it's possible it shouldn't have happened in the first place".

 

I mean...the message that you're trying to drill into your "thick skull" now, is a little too harsh (for your own heart and psyche), and may not be 100% the ONLY truth about it. And, even if, I'd still try to find a kinder way to give the message to said heart and psyche.

 

It sucks a great deal. Big hugs.

 

Thanks Ronni, The timeline for my proposal was one year to the day that we met. The day we met was so memorable to us both because we both had an instant attraction to each other. It was supposed to be a lunch date and turned into spending the rest of the day and early evening together.

 

So, it was our "anniversary" and before we went out I got on one knee and proposed. It seemed like the perfect day to propose. She was very happy and there was no sign that she didn't want it as much as I did.

 

But since we got married (1/2 year later), there were signs. She would say things like "we should keep both of our things for when we break up." Things I thought were jokes, but looking back, I think she regretted getting married from the get-go and was serious.

 

I moved out (on her request) in July of this year, and as we spoke, it seemed to me that once I got "on my feet" we would get back together. It slowly eroded as the months went by. First she refused to meet me anymore, then didn't take my phone calls. She changed the locks despite me never giving her reason to mistrust me (that was a message.) Still, we seemed like we would get back together, but then she started talking divorce. Now, she wants me to leave her alone completely, and I'm waiting for those papers to be served (still.)

 

No, I think beating myself with that 2X4 is the right thing. I can't continue on this road of maybe's or could be's, it is definitely over and I need to get that in my head with no doubt! I have been doing better as I accept it, but of course the thoughts continue and I have to drive them out forcibly.

 

Averageguy and Chew, that's the real culprit here. It's so hard to concentrate on work when there doesn't seem to be any point anymore. I had the same problem when my first wife died; it was so hard to keep my mind on what I needed to do! I put a large share of the blame for our business failing on me and my lack of output. Now, I'm right back in that boat. That's why I needed to post this, because I can't allow more failure because of my personal life.

 

Fortunately, posting here and hearing everyone's thoughts does help. It helps me to sort things out, and guys, you know we need to focus on our work to survive ourselves, so please use that as motivation if you can. There is still a future and we need to be the best we can for it.

 

Tippydog, HUGS! Don't give up on a future relationship. When I met my future ex, we were both 49 and she had a 10 year old. I was almost done raising my daughter and I took on being a step-dad to hers, and I loved that so much! In fact I miss my step-daughter more than I miss my wife right now! She's an innocent victim and I have been told she cries from missing me. I'm sure it's worse at this time of year.

 

I am planning on trying again, and you should too. Having a young child isn't a handicap to the right guy.

 

Jakrbbt, thanks too. Your suggestion the other day has helped a lot. I don't schedule regular breaks often, but as soon as a distracting thought pops in, I take a break, fight it and focus, then I can get back to work. In fact, I finished my course today!!!

[jakrbbt]

That is fantastic that you finished your course! You're showing every indication that you'll do what it takes to move forward. It's just going to take some different things than it's taken before. You will be successful. Those people who are not successful in the end-- while their path is understandable-- they are not doing what you're doing at this stage of things. Keep checking in.

[kenmore]

Thank you so much for saying that jakrbbt, that is very kind.

 

People in the widow group used to say that to me as well. Some people there were (and some still are) lost. They will never recover, and it is such a sad thing. Nobody can walk in another's shoes and know what's going on in their heads, but it can be horrible to witness.

 

I remember one guy who lost his wife and kids in a car accident because of a drunk driver. It was so difficult when I tried to imagine how that must have felt. He was in terrible shape understandably, and I don't think he will ever be able to put it behind him. The ability to put something behind you and move on is truly a gift.

 

One other thing that seems to help, and I know this is going to sound terrible, is seeing others who are so much worse off than myself. I hear of things like that woman who had a brain tumor and decided to end her life this last October, and then I say to myself, geez, stop feeling sorry for yourself, some people have it so much worse!

 

I can be thankful that this relationship was only for six years total. I can be thankful we didn't have any children together. I can be thankful that I have her anger and disgust for me to buffer the pain. While losing a spouse to death is very different, it does have one big heart wrenching characteristic, and that is that BOTH of you are in love and want it to continue (at least usually.) Since she is "doing this to us", I can relish the thought that I'm not losing someone who really wants me.

 

I apologize if I go on too much sometimes. It's the way I am. I really came here to post about my lack of desire to cook anymore (I LOVED cooking for my family and was very good at it, now I'm content with a box of mac n cheese when I feel like eating at all) in relation to the motivation thing Average guy and Chew were talking about, but what you said moved me and I appreciate it!

 

Ken

[darstar007]

Hi all.

 

My wife told me about a month ago to expect divorce papers in the mail. I have been expecting them, but they still haven't arrived, so I decided to go to the courthouse today and look at the petition.

 

I knew what to expect. She told me what it contains, and she was true to her word, but actually seeing the dissolution papers with her name signed somehow took me aback.

 

For months I have been fighting the distraction of this in other aspects of my life, and somehow I have functioned, though I'm sure at a reduced capacity. Today's sting re-opened the wound and I guess ripped away any denial I had protecting me, so once again I find it impossible to concentrate on work.

 

I can't allow this to affect my future in this way. My future is already screwed up enough due to the divorce, but I can't let it affect my work. My first feeling today was anger: "how could she really do this to us? The Bitch!" Now, it's that creeping distraction that makes it impossible to focus.

 

Does anyone have any "tricks" or techniques that helped them to at least function in society while going through this? Feeling the anger does help, but inevitably it fades into pain, so that's not a long term solution. Also, I'm not really that angry. She's entitled to her feelings and if she no longer wants me, so be it.

 

I have tired concentrating on that fact, and that if she no longer wants me, why do I want her anymore? Of course, that is no solution either.

 

Any suggestions?

 

 

I am experiencing the exact same issue. The problem I am having is that when I come to the office, I have the distractions I need, but I'm not really functional as a worker. If I stay home, all I see is my estranged wife. With the holidays coming up, I'm so afraid how I will handle this.

[kenmore]

Welcome darstar!

 

Sorry you are going through this, and it's such a difficult time of the year. Usually I love Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, but this year it all sickens me.

 

How long have you been married? How long have you been apart? Of course it doesn't seem to matter because it can hurt badly no matter what, but more details of what you're going through might help and it will help you to get some of it out.

 

I wish you peace!

 

Ken

[darstar007]

Thank you so much Ken.

 

You are so right about the Holidays. I usually love the idea of getting a few days off from work, but right now the timing could not have been worse as the only respite I sometimes get from my depression is when I have something to do in the office (though my concentration might be 25% normal).

 

I am 43 and my first marriage has broken up after 9 years together. There were signs that I ignored that she might not feel the same way I did about her, but we endured some rocky times to make it for that long. Her mother is a terrible influence and when she came to the USA, within 2 months our marriage was on the rocks. My wife turned into something evil that I could never imagine. She is now taking particular pleasure in being away from me while I am literally dying inside at the idea that we will never be together again.

 

We did not have children because she was always putting it off. In hindsight this was the major clue of her intentions. So in theory it should make recovery easier. It became clear to me that her interest was only financial. I was only useful to her as a checkbook. This was the case even though anyone looking at us objectively would say that I am a great catch for her (good job, educated, family oriented). But none of that mattered and she is throwing it all away.

 

The divorce papers are in the process of going through and I will need to deal with those things. The big key for me is to NOT CONTACT HER ANYMORE. In this day and age where communication is so easy, that is my biggest challenge. She has made it 100% clear that she is done. I need to accept that and move on. I just want to know when this acute depression will end and just become a sore memory and I will be functional once again.

 

Best wishes to you as well!!!

 

Welcome darstar!

 

Sorry you are going through this, and it's such a difficult time of the year. Usually I love Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, but this year it all sickens me.

 

How long have you been married? How long have you been apart? Of course it doesn't seem to matter because it can hurt badly no matter what, but more details of what you're going through might help and it will help you to get some of it out.

 

I wish you peace!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

Wow, your story sounds so much like mine! Right down to her making it clear we are done (that's the exact word she used over and over, "we're done".)

 

The problem is financial in my case too, but the opposite (funny how opposite problems end up causing the same outcome.) In our case, she has a good job and I could not find good employment. Only a retail job that paid low and was only part-time. She got sick of "supporting me". I guess in your case money wasn't as much a cause of the breakup since you were making it and she ended the relationship, but the similarity still struck me.

 

We don't have children together either, and the divorce papers are being sent to me too.

 

I also feel we were great together and she is throwing away something great. I know she'll realize that someday, but it will be years from now, and too late.

 

I came here to post about my insurance license I have been waiting for. I finally got it today and was so happy! I told my daughter and she said "yay", I told my step-daughter and she said "awesome", but the one person I want to tell and be happy is my wife, whom I can't tell. Now I'm depressed on what should be a very good day for me.

 

All this time she wanted me to get a good job and I couldn't. Now, I can make a good living selling insurance just in time to watch my marriage dissolve away. It's just too late, and that is so frustrating!

 

I hate what my mind does to me sometimes.

[darstar007]

Let me congratulate you on your "good" news in the middle of this terrible time. We both understand that we cannot process anything right now, the world has become so cloudy. We must rely on the experience of countless others who have lost someone they "thought" loved them, but did not only to eventually find someone who truly does. Even for me this is hard to accept as a certainty right now, but I'm the first to admit I am not thinking clearly. What you said about the mind hits it on the head. It's all a state of mind. Once we can get our heads straight, we will chuckle about being sad over women who did not love us the way we committed to them when we both said "I do".

[Mr. Lucky]

The weird thing for me is - I still find it very hard to concentrate at work or to find any motivation. Even though most of the pain, anger, hurt etc are now gone and I'm finding myself in a much better place personally - I'm still struggling at work. It seems so less important then it once did. I was previously a bit of a work-aholic and being honest it contributed somewhat to the end of my relationship. I was promoted quickly into a senior manager role at a young age. Lots of responsibility, lots of work with very long hours but also lots of money.

 

I was in a similar fast-track career mode when my marriage imploded. Really loved the job but just couldn't keep my head in the game as we separated and started divorce proceedings.

 

Perhaps my company was more understanding than most as they allowed me to take a sabbatical to clear the fog and work through the issues. I spent time with my son, did some traveling and spent many days reading on the beach. When I returned to work 6 1/2 months later, I really felt like 90% of the sh*t was behind me. House sold, living situation settled, custody routine in place.

 

Not an option for everyone but something to consider if finances and workplace allow...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kenmore]

Well, I checked my email this morning and found a message from my wife. She is the one who said not to contact her because she needs to heal, but I was wondering if she would maintain the silence through Christmas (I would have.)

 

It was pleasant enough (which is rare anymore), asking how I am, wishing me a merry Christmas, congratulating me on getting my license (her daughter told her) and telling me what she's doing for Christmas (traveling with her mom and daughter.)

 

Since she reached out to me, I responded in kind by thanking her, wishing her a merry Christmas and a nice trip. I felt an odd coldness as I was replying, almost as if I was writing to a stranger. I responded without emotion, but of course the emotion hit me later.

 

Now, she has congratulated me on getting my license, but it seems empty. Almost as if it doesn't matter, even though that was almost all that mattered to me yesterday.

 

I guess I still don't get it.

 

And thank you for congratulating me darstar.

[Shocked Suzie]

My brain is still frazzled

 

For me being aware of 'mind wandering' and then diverting thoughts is the key, but this takes time and a lot of focus.

 

Ensure that you make time for yourself 'relax' chill out and absorb little details in the hear and now 'the moment'.

 

Make sure you eat well and sleep regular hours...

 

Except the times when you fall as part of the process and not a failure... Take it back to basic coping and start again.

 

Taken me two full years to gain brain control... Allow others around to understand that you need some support to take some pressure off yourself... You'll be amazed how understanding work colleagues can be.

 

It gets better

SS x

[kenmore]

Thank you for your thoughtful response Suzie,

 

My biggest problem is maintaining the focus. I have my license now and am appointed by Farmer's insurance, but I don't start until next week. Once I do, the fire is under the pan! Fortunately, I feel that the event of having my fire under me is that I'll focus because it's do or die! I will be forced into motivation because up until now, I have had to provide my own (and yes, it was to try to make things good with my wife.)

 

Now that I know that's not happening, it's more difficult, but at least there will be people who hold me accountable. That will be awesome motivation, but can also be disaster! It's such a bad time for her to leave me.

 

As I read this, I see how lame I am. She has left me months ago, and I'm still using that as an excuse. I will stop being a pussy, I promise!

 

Thanks again. You were able to give me strength!

 

Ken