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I cheated, left, think I regret it


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Sorry for the wall-o-text.. but I desperately need some outside perspective on my situation, as its driving me out of my mind!

 

 

I'm 32M, and have been separated from my wife for just over a year.

We were together 8 years, married 4, and we have a beautiful son who is coming up for 2.

 

 

Things were good until after we got married, however resentment gradually grew within me over a couple of things:

1) housework - I did everything around the house, planning meals, cooking, cleaning. She was really messy and would leave her dirty cups, plates, food wrappers, clothes, lying round the house all the time, despite me asking her not to. All the unpleasant jobs - scooping cat poop, changing the litter tray, cleaning the toilets & bathrooms seemed to be left to me. I did ask her to help more but I always had to 'nag' her to do it, and in the end I grew sick of doing that.

2) her weight. She's never been slim while I've known her, however she's yo-yo dieted lots. I tried encouraging her, helping her, never being nasty about it, but over time I slowly realised she'd never be able to lose weight. She'd cry one minute about it, then the next eat a chocolate bar. It was so frustrating. Instead of losing weight she just bought bigger, shapeless clothes.

Over time I lost physical attraction to her, and began to masturbate on a daily basis to porn (well, a tumblr blog showing normal, slimmer, pretty women). Sex was about once a month and to be honest I was happy with that, it felt like a chore.

 

 

Also, we never shared many of the same interests. She likes nights out with friends, whereas I'm more solitary, into computer games and sci fi, which she mocked as childish. Her lack of ability to do physical activity too, like long walks, gym, bike, was also a division between us.

 

 

In the final year together we went through a lot - moved to a bigger house, and the birth of our son. We argued a lot more, shouting & swearing and it started to feel like we could never recover to how we used to be. (She always argued better than me, and I'd go away outwitted and angry).

 

 

I recognise some of my own faults in all this. I could be distant, grumpy, or often preferred to sit in a different room in the evenings, rather doing my own hobbies than sitting with her, or talking about our day. Although I mucked in from the start with childcare maybe I didn't appreciate what a drain it had been on her.

 

 

I went away on a course and during that time deliberately put myself in temptation's path with an attractive girl who had similar interests to me. We had an affair but almost immediately my wife realised what had happened (I couldn't hide it, I just felt numb)

 

 

To my shame I treated her terribly when the news broke. She offered me another chance and I pretty much threw it back in her face, even saying I'd feel worse about breaking up with the new girl than I would with her. I literally walked out leaving her holding the 8 month old baby.

 

 

I've lived with my folks since. I see my wife twice a week (to hand over our son), and things are amicable now. We sold our house and split everything down the middle, financially. I pay her child maintenance money and we try and avoid any arguments. She's bought a flat in her home town near her family and friends.

I have our son on Sundays, and Monday & Tuesday evenings. I love him more than anything in the world, and I try and be as good a dad as possible for him under the circumstances. Occasionally my wife and I do 'family' days with him - go to a garden centre, or museum together.

 

 

I carried on seeing the new girl and over time that relationship has grown. She's met my son twice (and is great with him), we've been on holiday a couple of times, loads of great dates, and sex with her is an enjoyable experience! (and frequent). She's a lovely person, and we've grown to love each other.

On the downside she lives 2 hours away, we only see each other at weekends, she's financially less stable, and has 3 messy dogs. And we haven't really experienced the day to day grind of living with each other which can wear a relationship down.

 

 

The problem is that over this last year I can't get over feelings of guilt. My wife felt so rejected, unloved and hurt by my actions, and the emotional trauma I must have put her through was massive. At the time I hardly cared, but now it eats me up. She is a great mum and loves looking after our son, however the thought of them being just the 2 of them most of the time fills me with sadness.

And as he's grown I've started to realise how much it will impact him in the future, and how much of his life I'll miss.

 

 

I've started to feel like I gave up too soon, that I could 'set things right' again by ending it with the new girl, then asking my wife if we can try to be a family again. On the 'family' days with the 3 of us I feel happy, content and normal. In my head I feel like I could prevent as all from having a bleak lonely future, and my son from growing up with separated parents. I've been on the verge of doing this many times but keep stopping myself. I don't like the prospect of breaking another person's heart (the new girl) and potentially going back into a relationship that might be doomed to repeat past failures.

 

 

These feelings are now starting to impact on my new relationship. I feel less committed to it. And new girl notices when I'm looking unhappy, but I can hardly tell her that its because I'm planning on leaving her..

 

 

This has been the worst year of my life (and my wife's), I've had suicidal thoughts, often cry, yo-yo from happiness to misery, generally feeling lost and beating myself up.

 

 

I don't know what to do. Help me please, Loveshack.

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Go to the infidelity forums and read there about how the other side of this feels.

 

 

You will likely benefit from being single and in therapy.

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I'm just hung up on the whole "normal, slimmer women" statement. How shallow can you possibly be? So your wife wasn't normal because she wasn't a size 2?

 

Blech I can't even touch the rest.

 

Your wife is not a pity partner. Do her a favor and let her go for good, so that she can find someone who will love her for who she is, unconditionally and forever. Not out of guilt.

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Stop hurting other people, leave them be, let them find people who will appreciate and love them.

 

Be completely single, go work on yourself and find out what you do want in life before you even contemplate dating anyone else.

Do not just jump into another relationship, because you will just mess someone else up the way you are just now.

Get your head straight, go to the doctor, you may need antidepressants to get over this sticky patch.

"I've had suicidal thoughts, often cry, yo-yo from happiness to misery, generally feeling lost and beating myself up."

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Been where you are, but fortunately I chose my wife and son.

 

Our stories sound exactly the same, except I'm older.

 

I was estranged from my wife for about a year and ended the relationship with AP. We are in recovery for a year and I feel extremely blessed to have a second chance.

 

I know your guilt. I know the worry about them being alone. I know how it feels to walk out on your wife with a small child.

 

The pain we caused them is devastating.

 

You have to end the relationship with the new girl before you do anything else. I think you need to be alone for a while.

 

It sounds like there were serious issues with your marriage and its likely your finding the family time together enjoyable bc it's in very small doses.

 

I'm not hearing you say you are madly in love with your wife and want her and miss her.

 

Sounds like depression could be a factor with you and low self esteem. Find a counselor and work on these issues.

 

Divorce doesn't always mean bleak future, but I know you feel to blame and responsible. Get some help.

Edited by Rainbowlove
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Das Booter. I read your initial post and I can sympathise. A lot of what you said resonates with me. we are/were in the same boat. I left my wife three months ago and I am living with the guilt every day. I see my kids every other day, but it is an upheaval for all of us. I simply don't know if I have the emotional energy to keep dealing with this but the thought of returning home terrifies me because I have no way of knowing it would be any different!

Admittedly I am looking youre position from the viewpoint of where you once were but for me I think you need to get single. If you are to have any clarity you must be alone. I realise that is a lot to ask, I expect you get an awful lot of support from the new girl and you say you have feelings for each other but if you are to be true to your feelings and hence true to those you love, you need to make your decisions based on the fundamentals (the new girl is not as I see it, fundamental to the decision). The decision involves you and your wife/kid so strip away any extra considerations / distractions. Harsh maybe - but desperate times require desperate measures. Speaking personally I'm not sure I would have the strength to do it!

 

One thought. Would your ex wife even have you back? Have you asked?!!

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I'm just hung up on the whole "normal, slimmer women" statement. How shallow can you possibly be? So your wife wasn't normal because she wasn't a size 2?

 

You're making an awful lot of assumptions at the OP's expense. Had his wife gained 150 lbs, then are those health and appearance factors allowed to color his decision? He never said his wife had to be a size two, he's just looking for a partner that can participate in an active lifestyle...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I think you should be alone for a while and figure out what you want. Your son isn't enough to keep a relationship with your ex-wife going.

You being out of the house doesn't have any dramatic effect on his later life since you are still a part of it, just less often.

 

Besides, there's always the chance that your wife won't take you back in case she has pride and backbone and all that. You're not a prize for her anymore. Men who leave their children behind never are.

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GirlStillStrong

This is exactly why there is such a thing as separation before divorce.

 

The remedy to guilt is to ask her forgiveness. Why don't you just have a heart to heart with her? Leave getting back together out of it for now. Just focus on sharing your feelings, not your wants or ideas.

 

Reading your story, I was shaking my head "Yes." Because it is such a common story. Whoever said getting married, living together, and having children is fun and pleasant? That **** is WORK. I'm sorry she let herself go and all that. But giving birth changes people's bodies permanently and having and raising babies is exhausting. It also sounds like she may have been clinically depressed.

 

Why did you go from one relationship to the next? Separation is a time for consideration of the state of your marriage and whether to continue. Adding a third person complicates everything and prevents you from making sound, independent decisions in life. Do you always have to have someone holding your hand in order to live your life? Life is not a comparison of one partner vs another. Stop comparing them. Work on accepting people for who they ARE, instead of who you want or expect them to be.

 

You need to experience life alone, living alone, making decisions alone, succeeding alone. Keep living apart from your wife, don't finalize a divorce, see your child as often as humanly possible without moving back in. And communicate with your spouse.

 

As for my personal feelings: I hesitate to add them because I believe very strongly in independence and self-reliance, but I do not have children for this very reason. If I understand correctly and your son is 2 years old, you have left your wife and child at a most crucial age. I do wish you could make this work for at least 11 more years, for the child's sake. And about the OW: I've been in her position and it can be a difficult lesson to learn: NEVER screw around with a married man with young children, ESPECIALLY an infant! It is immoral and can backfire. I have a few choice words about this kind of woman but I'll spare you the curse words. Suffice it to say that if she gets hurt, SHE ASKED FOR IT.

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You can't even think of getting back with your wife as long as you have a girlfriend. That's not fair to either woman.

 

End your affair turned relationship and be alone and on your own for a while. Work on you, go to counseling.

 

If anything, you and your wife can start off by being friends and friendly co parents for the sake of your young child.

 

It's a shame though that you gave up on your wife and marriage without really trying, without doing marriage counseling and working with her to reconnect.

 

Sadly, it may be a little too late now. All you can do is work on you, be the best dad to your child and hope that your wife sees you in a new light and allows you another chance.

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Thankyou very much for all your replies. Even just hearing a response is a comfort.

 

I have to go out to work just now, but I'll re-read and think on what's been said by all, and post some more later.

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You're making an awful lot of assumptions at the OP's expense. Had his wife gained 150 lbs, then are those health and appearance factors allowed to color his decision? He never said his wife had to be a size two, he's just looking for a partner that can participate in an active lifestyle...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

150lbs? Really?

 

I'm not even hung up on the size 2 bit...that was just a reference...what irks me is the "normal" bit.

 

Because women who are overweight aren't normal. :rolleyes:

 

And no, it shouldn't color his decision. For better or for worse. Sickness and in health.

 

That's just me. I know not everyone feels that way.

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150lbs? Really?

 

I'm not even hung up on the size 2 bit...that was just a reference...what irks me is the "normal" bit.

 

Because women who are overweight aren't normal. :rolleyes:

 

And no, it shouldn't color his decision. For better or for worse. Sickness and in health.

 

That's just me. I know not everyone feels that way.

 

I think it's not so much the weight it's the complacency about it. If you eat light, stay away from junk food, hit the treadmill every other day, and are still overweight, well shoot, bad luck with your genes but nothing that can be held against you. If you spend all your free time on the couch eating chocolate bars then it starts to feel like a self inflicted sickness. And from his post it affects him not just because of the looks but because it limits things they can do together.

 

OP I have been kinda where you are and I think you should remain single for a while and try to find a therapist who can help you figure out what you want. Tell the new chick you need some time to yourself but don't rush back in with your wife until you are sure that's what you want. You need to work on yourself for a bit first.

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I agree with other posters here that you need to work out for yourself whether you want your wife back just to get past your guilt, or whether you're actually still in love with her and want to spend your life with her. There's a big difference, and unless you figure that out, you probably will end up hurting her again down the road.

 

The other question is: Does she want you back? Just because she is hurting terribly from losing you doesn't necessarily mean she would take you back.

 

My advice: Take some time to be alone, figure out what you want, enter individual counseling, then perhaps joint counseling with your wife a few months down the road when the picture becomes clearer.

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Thankyou again for all your advice. Some common threads re: dealing with my own mental health, and with stripping out the distraction of the new relationship to give me space to work out what to do.

 

 

I considered counselling a few months ago, but was put off by the whole stigma attached to mental health issues. I've never experienced this before, didn't like to admit that I'm a mess.

I don't want to get medication, I want to get healed through the mind (though some sleeping pills might be nice those nights where my worries keep me awake!).

 

 

I've bought a flat and get the keys this week. It needs a lot of work done to it, which should occupy my mind (and body) the next few months. It may add more stress, but it may give me a useful focus/distraction. Once I move in, returning to a pattern of normal life, and getting my independence back will also help. But that alone isn't an answer - I recognise that things can't continue the way they are, and that I need to see someone about it. I will book an appointment in the new year.

 

 

 

The decision involves you and your wife/kid so strip away any extra considerations / distractions. Harsh maybe - but desperate times require desperate measures.

 

Why did you go from one relationship to the next? Separation is a time for consideration of the state of your marriage and whether to continue. Adding a third person complicates everything and prevents you from making sound, independent decisions in life.... Life is not a comparison of one partner vs another. Stop comparing them. Work on accepting people for who they ARE, instead of who you want or expect them to be.

 

 

Looking back it was infatuation, and the novelty of having someone else like me. I didn't want the 'opportunity' to pass by. How stupid. No, I didn't give myself a chance to make independent decisions, I just rushed in. And I've been trying to manage both relationships since. For instance today new girl has been texting planning holidays for us both next year. A few hours later I'm handing my son over to my wife, wondering if I still love her or not. Its madness.

 

 

You're right that I have been comparing my wife against what I wanted her to be, instead of seeing who she was. I saw some similar advice (probably when lurking on these forums a while back) that rang true then.

 

 

I'm just hung up on the whole "normal, slimmer women" statement.

 

 

Poor choice of words by me. I only used the word 'normal' to indicate that the blog was regular women, not models or porn stars (for all the difference it makes). I certainly wasn't meaning to imply that overweight women weren't normal.

 

 

..Does she want you back? Just because she is hurting terribly from losing you doesn't necessarily mean she would take you back.

 

 

I honestly don't know. She certainly has the sense not to take me back if I was just doing it for our son, or for guilt/pity. If I knew clearly that I wanted her, went back for the right reasons and convinced her that I loved her and was truly sorry then I think there's a small chance she might take me back.

I wouldn't ask before ending with the new girl, as it would be disrespectful to both.

 

 

 

 

I can't do anything until after Christmas (whether its a final ending of the relationship with new girl, or whether its time apart while I sort my head out).

I'm not putting it off out of cowardice, its just it doesn't seem right making such a move so close to Christmas. But I'm inclined to agree with all who suggest it, that its a necessary move under the circumstances, to allow me to work out whats right.

 

 

In the new year I need to sit down and be honest with her, to tell her that I'm not sure of my feelings, as I can't go on pretending that I'm normal and happy.

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Sorry but I think you're over-analyzing at this point. Does a Christmas with faked smiles and meaningless photos she'll show off to all her friends or maybe even family with her and her latest conquest sound really that much better than a Christmas without a boyfriend?

 

I wonder if you'll stick to your decision of telling her that you're uncertain about your feelings if by any chance she tells you that she truly loves you at Christmas or New Year's Eve.

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150lbs? Really?

 

I'm not even hung up on the size 2 bit...that was just a reference...what irks me is the "normal" bit.

 

Because women who are overweight aren't normal. :rolleyes:

 

And no, it shouldn't color his decision. For better or for worse. Sickness and in health.

 

That's just me. I know not everyone feels that way.

 

Let's look at what he actually said, your pre-determined ideas aside:

 

and began to masturbate on a daily basis to porn (well, a tumblr blog showing normal, slimmer, pretty women).

 

I don't know many guys that fantasize about Rosie O'Donnell, just as I doubt many women daydream of James Gandolfini. It was in that frame of reference he spoke...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I recognise that things can't continue the way they are, and that I need to see someone about it. I will book an appointment in the new year.

 

 

There is still two weeks until the new year, why not see if you can book an appointment before then? Why wait? You could be on your way well before the new year; which in reality is February. Do you have a GP you can see as well? It is good to have broad support. They may also be able to recommend someone.

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Does a Christmas with faked smiles and meaningless photos she'll show off to all her friends or maybe even family with her and her latest conquest sound really that much better than a Christmas without a boyfriend?

 

 

No, it doesn't - I see what you're saying. But I can either hurt her feelings now, or do it after Christmas. Which is best?? Despite me and new girl being morally in the wrong starting the affair, she is not, on the whole, a bad person. She spends her working day helping others. She's come out of two bad previous relationships where she was treated like crap by sponging exes. I am not a 'conquest.' Early on I cooked for her one night - she got emotional and told me no-one had ever cooked for her before! She's 32, I was stunned since I thought it such a simple, natural thing to do.

The current plan is that I'll spend boxing day evening with her. No family will be there, its just the two of us. (Xmas day I'll see my son and wife in the morning, then back to my parents in the afternoon).

 

There is still two weeks until the new year, why not see if you can book an appointment before then? Why wait? You could be on your way well before the new year; which in reality is February. Do you have a GP you can see as well? It is good to have broad support. They may also be able to recommend someone.

 

 

I saw a GP about 8 months ago and they effectively said National Health Service options were rubbish and I'd be as well going private (but didn't offer any further advice about that route). I tried through work but they just offered a phone line service to an insurance company (that sounded awful). Also at the time I was worried about potential costs, and exactly who I'd end up seeing if I went private, so I was put off.

But now I think the risk/cost is worth it.

 

 

Why delay? Its just a busy time of year. I'm working all through Christmas/New Year, I have people to see about my flat, works night out, last minute shopping, my son a few days. I'm not a 'manana' person, it just seems sense to wait til the world gets back to normal.

But I do have the time to start researching what local options are available, which I'll do.

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Poor choice of words by me. I only used the word 'normal' to indicate that the blog was regular women, not models or porn stars (for all the difference it makes). I certainly wasn't meaning to imply that overweight women weren't normal.

 

Ah. Thank you for explaining. I understand now.

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Let's look at what he actually said, your pre-determined ideas aside:

 

 

 

I don't know many guys that fantasize about Rosie O'Donnell, just as I doubt many women daydream of James Gandolfini. It was in that frame of reference he spoke...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Please don't pretend to speak for the male or (even more laughable) the female population when it comes to what it considered attractive in a partner. People come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors and there is no limitations to what people find attractive in this world. Your weight or body shape does not make you "normal" or "abnormal", which is what I thought the OP was implying.

 

Thankfully, he wasn't.

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No, it doesn't - I see what you're saying. But I can either hurt her feelings now, or do it after Christmas. Which is best?? Despite me and new girl being morally in the wrong starting the affair, she is not, on the whole, a bad person. She spends her working day helping others. She's come out of two bad previous relationships where she was treated like crap by sponging exes. I am not a 'conquest.' Early on I cooked for her one night - she got emotional and told me no-one had ever cooked for her before! She's 32, I was stunned since I thought it such a simple, natural thing to do.

The current plan is that I'll spend boxing day evening with her. No family will be there, its just the two of us. (Xmas day I'll see my son and wife in the morning, then back to my parents in the afternoon).

 

Why delay? Its just a busy time of year. I'm working all through Christmas/New Year, I have people to see about my flat, works night out, last minute shopping, my son a few days. I'm not a 'manana' person, it just seems sense to wait til the world gets back to normal.

But I do have the time to start researching what local options are available, which I'll do.

 

Again it is all me, me, me, with you.

Awkward breaking up around Christmas and having to spend your day off ie Boxing Day alone, so you will string the poor girl along thinking she had a great Christmas and then dump her.

Whoopdidoo!

 

Sounds like by the New Year, she will get the full set, treated like crap by 3 partners...

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Sounds like by the New Year, she will get the full set, treated like crap by 3 partners...

 

I'm afraid someone who has been with abusive/bad/insincere partners only and probably the self-esteem of a walnut will always be easy prey. At least she learns that (formerly-) married men don't make better partners either.

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