He's changed his mind, I'm scared but feel the best I've felt in 7 months

[Pickmeup]

After 7 months of feeling like I've been in a emotional wind tunnel, with every emotion possible thrown at me. My husband finally feels he has made a mistake and wants to try again at our marriage.

 

He is suffering from depression/anxiety and I always thought he was struggling, I am not making excuses for him but he really wasn't/isn't himself and his behavior this year has been so out of character. He has said he feels lost.

 

Yes he ended up with someone else and I have to try and forgive and forget. When I was younger I always thought infidelity would be it, anyone cheated on me that would be the end of our relationship. It doesn't feel great, the hurt needs to heal however, I totally see how our marriage had got in a rut, I take my share of that responsibility.

 

We had our first day out together in 7 months yesterday, whilst we talked a bit about how we could ease pressures and improve our marriage we know we have a long way to go and a lot of work to do. Small steps one day at a time.

 

I am not rushing back to live with him, we both have work to do on ourselves first. I just felt the best I have felt in 7 months after spending time with him yesterday, a lovely warm fuzzy feeling. He also texted me a "thanks, that's the best I've felt in a long time". We rushed nothing, not even a kiss we just enjoyed being in each others company.

 

So I am dating my husband and it puts a great big smile back on my face and the best Christmas present ever :-)

Edited December 15, 2014 by Pickmeup

[KBarletta]

Wonderful. I hope and pray that it works out well for both of you. Even though you know there is a lot of work to do, this is such a better, more hopeful tale than so many of the sad stories I read on here every day (my own included.)

 

I wonder what steps you both took to get to this point after seven months. Myself, I am two months in and the only thing I see when I look into the future six months from now is getting ready to sign divorce papers. It's hard to imagine a scenario that plays out as yours has (even though that is what I would strongly prefer.)

[Toodaloo]

So I am dating my husband and it puts a great big smile back on my face and the best Christmas present ever :-)

 

Fantastic news.

 

I shall keep fingers crossed for you.

[Pickmeup]

It was an extremely tough road, I have spent the 7 months grieving, I was convinced that was it, he wouldn't change his mind. I didn't chase or beg him, I just remained myself and let him know I cared, I didn't turn bitter or angry toward him either.

 

It's so hard to chuck away 20 years, especially when you still get on (which we did/do) we hadn't grown apart, we had just forgotten to respect each other, we had taken each other for granted. Fallen into the trap of not working on our marriage.

 

I personally think if you've been with somebody that long, it was meant to be. Just long term relationships are hard, life is hard, it throws challenges at us and sometimes we think the grass is greener elsewhere, in reality problems will arise in any long term relationship.

 

I wish you luck in your journey, during mine I made sure I worked on myself. Took on new hobbies and had fun with friends as much as I could, at times it was forced but it kept me going and my friends have been so good to me as have my family. So take care of yourself, enjoy things you might have put aside and compromised over - now you can enjoy them and do what you want to do.

 

My motto was life is too short to stop in and mope, I started saying "yes" to all new things (within reason!!) - grab life whilst we can.

[Day.One]

Good for you, OP. Glad to see that I'm not the only one whose marriage is turning around! For the better.

[KBarletta]

I was convinced that was it, he wouldn't change his mind. I didn't chase or beg him, I just remained myself and let him know I cared, I didn't turn bitter or angry toward him either.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. This is where I am at the moment, convinced it's over.

 

I will admit, though, that I still have moments where I am extremely angry at being left out of the blue with no clear attempt at working it out. That anger probably will dissipate over time, but it hasn't disappeared yet, so I am still strictly NC. Of course, I worry that my lack of contact conveys a message that I don't care anymore (even though at the very beginning of the breakup I made it very clear that I wanted to work it out). I still do, but my biggest worry about NC is that it sends a message of disinterest.

 

I suppose time will tell for both of us, and I guess I am trying to probe your cautiously optimistic tale for some clues as to how to proceed in my own situation, which is several months behind yours.

 

I wish you well - and please keep posting!

[Pickmeup]

but my biggest worry about NC is that it sends a message of disinterest.

 

 

KB those were my exact concerns. NC to me felt like I was sending a message that I didn't care.

 

Also, although you might not feel like it at the moment, humans are amazingly resilient and we do adapt to new situations. So NC would have made it easier for me to get over and move on from our separation but then I thought the same was true for him. Me just disappearing and being quiet would make it easier for him to move on too!!

 

I think every relationship and every breakup is unique no set rules should apply. Go with your gut feeling, don't over do contact at all, I was very restrained on how much I wanted to contact him and when I did contact him it was never about how much I missed him etc. etc. it was more about taking an interest in him.

 

Can you take some responsibility in how your marriage got where it is? If so, you must have areas you need to work on, start working on those and see what happens. I am not saying you have change who you are but perhaps act more like you did when you first met.

 

I also always told myself not to give up hope until the divorce papers had landed on my doormat.

 

Keep me posted on how you get on.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am not rushing back to live with him, we both have work to do on ourselves first. I just felt the best I have felt in 7 months after spending time with him yesterday, a lovely warm fuzzy feeling. He also texted me a "thanks, that's the best I've felt in a long time". We rushed nothing, not even a kiss we just enjoyed being in each others company.

 

Congrats Pickmeup, it's been apparent this is something you've wanted.

 

Will you be doing some form of MC together before you jump back in?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pickmeup]

Thank you Mr Lucky. Yes, it is very early days and I am treading carefully. Also still not sure my H really knows himself what he wants...so trying not to build up my hopes too much.

 

MC is definitely on the cards for us but first step is for my husband to get better, it is too soon for him. The doctors offered him medication but he refused and is trying the counselling route for depression first.

[Richiebuoy]

Awwww well done Picky, best wishes and best of luck

[KBarletta]

Can you take some responsibility in how your marriage got where it is? If so, you must have areas you need to work on, start working on those and see what happens.

 

Yes, without a doubt. I recognize that I have to accept some responsibility for how things ended up the way they did. I still put a good amount of blame on her for just picking up and leaving with no prior mention of how deep her issues were.

 

But, just days after the breakup, I took a 4-hour road trip in which I spent the entire drive thinking of all the ways I could have been a better husband, and actually looked forward to talking to her about it and putting those ideas into practice with her. But she was dead set on leaving anyway, so I never got the chance.

 

The question that bothers me about NC is: How to get her to recognize that I am willing and capable of making the changes that are necessary, when we don't talk, we no longer live together and rarely ever even see each other?

 

I can do a 180, but if nobody is around to see it, does it make a difference to anyone besides me?

[Pickmeup]

But if the 180 makes a difference to you for the better that's good enough. At the moment the only thing you can control is you and how you react and deal with the situation.

 

In the early days of my split, I was in the same state as you, so shocked and angry he didn't appear to want to try or give us a chance to work things out. I felt helpless. I had lost my home and my husband and best friend in just 2 weeks.

 

So all you can do is dig real deep and start working on yourself, you and your actions are the only thing you can control.

 

I tried to keep my focus on the positives, I had my health, my family and friends around me. I had a lot to be grateful for. I told myself if he had fallen out of love with me he couldn't help how he felt and why should he stay, sad and devastating as it was I had to accept his feelings.

 

I won't lie its tough and I was struggling. Just keep yourself really busy but allow the grieving process to take place, it has to happen you have to grieve for your loss.

 

Also, sometimes we think we are happy but maybe just maybe true happiness hasn't found you yet. Consider you are on a new path, a new journey to something better than you had.