checkoutat10 Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Mandatory NC is finished today. This morning at 0530am he's texting me, wanting to meet this afternoon and talk. He says he wants to "answer some questions to give us peace" followed by a bunch of hearts . I already know that he's going to try and come back. He is probably going to try and use the kids and Christmas, etc. if I don't give in. I don't know what to do! I have my first IC session this morning, and after that I was going to pay my retainer to my lawyer. I am trying to stay strong I am praying I have the strength to follow through with this. It's been a week now since we hit rock bottom and I have mostly been calm and relaxed this past week without him here. My kids have been asking when daddy is coming home. GAH!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 You don't have to meet him. And frankly, when he's already at the point of sending heart emoticons, it's a very bad idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author checkoutat10 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Share Posted December 15, 2014 I know I don't. That's what I'm trying to hold on to. I can always say I'm "busy." I may very well take my horse out this afternoon with some friends...keep myself busy...but he can return to the family home today, even if I don't meet with him this afternoon. I don't know that he will, but my stomach is in knots just thinking about it. I have got to get it together. I really need to focus on HOW we got here in the first place...his infidelity and lying. I have been with this man for 14 years, we have four kids!! It's hard to just let that go without questioning yourself. I used to be so confident in my decisions and choices. Now I question everything. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Why do you have to respond at all? "Mandatory" NC (whatever that means) is over but why not carry it on on a voluntary basis? Retain lawyer, file, don't reply to his stupid messages. Link to post Share on other sites
Author checkoutat10 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Share Posted December 15, 2014 Mandatory NC means the military stepped in, removed him from the home, and initiated a mandatory NC for 7 days. I have not responded. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Be careful with him talking you out of it, mine did it to me about five years ago.He spent his time getting over me.Now hes doing everything to hurt me.The thing is he was the one sneaking around to begin with.I thought he was a good guy after 16 years of marriage .It has been 21 now and their is a part that came out I never thought he had hes cruel and mean as can be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author checkoutat10 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Share Posted December 15, 2014 Well he sent me two texts and then just now he just showed up to the house...just walked right in the door and scared the **** out of me. He tried to apologize, said he'd been in counseling all week. He tried to get all kinds of info from me, like how childcare/bills/house/etc would be taken care of. I kept my cool as much as I could...I did not lose my temper and I barely even looked at him. I asked him to leave, I said I did not want him here. I did tell him I had talked to a lawyer already, and that all he had to do was wait for the paperwork, because he kept asking who was going to file, etc. etc. He seemed dumbfounded...I think he thought I would let him stay. He stood in the kitchen for a bit, stepping around like a stunned rabbit, before he finally left. I'm not sure how I feel. Numb is about it. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 talks about the counsellor and that is it? ditch him, if this is all he has done to win you back, ditch him and make a better life for yourself Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 You have a lot going on. 14 years & 4 kids is nothing to sneeze at. If you can't get past the infidelity, then just end it. However, have you tried marriage counseling? My husband is a Marine vet. I know service changes a man. The military has some good programs if that is the issue. 10 days before Christmas may not be the time to throw your kids' dad to the wolves. I don't know why his COs forbid him from seeing you. If you are in danger, don't bother with trying to reconcile but if there is hope . . . . Make sure you understand ALL of your rights. If you live in base housing find out how fast you will be required to vacate once you file. Do not file until you can meet that deadline. Most bases have a housing shortage so they aren't going to give you extensions. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 I have a friend whose husband smooth-talked and persuaded to drop the divorce and as soon as she did he went and filed on her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Who files 1st does not matter. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Who files 1st does not matter. I know that but it was a total mind f**k for her. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Give him the name of your mediator and an appointment time and you can talk with him there. A couple can work things out at any time. That doesn't mean the lawsuit can't be begun. I think it's reasonable for him to spend time with the children at Christmas, at his place or perhaps with his family. Facilitate that. Keep things at the business level unless or until there is a compelling reason not to. Talk with your IC about that and tools to manage your emotions. Divorce is a process, generally taking a substantial amount of time, and the outcome is unknown. Go with the now; the future will come soon enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author checkoutat10 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Share Posted December 15, 2014 (edited) You have a lot going on. 14 years & 4 kids is nothing to sneeze at. If you can't get past the infidelity, then just end it. However, have you tried marriage counseling? My husband is a Marine vet. I know service changes a man. The military has some good programs if that is the issue. 10 days before Christmas may not be the time to throw your kids' dad to the wolves. I don't know why his COs forbid him from seeing you. If you are in danger, don't bother with trying to reconcile but if there is hope . . . . Make sure you understand ALL of your rights. If you live in base housing find out how fast you will be required to vacate once you file. Do not file until you can meet that deadline. Most bases have a housing shortage so they aren't going to give you extensions. He was removed from the home by his XO after a (drunken) altercation last weekend where the police were called to the home. There is a mandatory 7-day no contact "order" in place after an incident like that. And I know you may not know my full story, but I take offense at "throwing my kids' dad to the wolves." I am not throwing him anywhere he didn't run himself in to when he decided to have an affair. He made his bed, so to speak. We tried R for about 6 months during which he made little effort to truly show remorse and reassure me that he would never violate our marriage again. And then he started talking to his AP and another woman again. So yeah, I'm am most certainly not throwing him to the wolves, although that option is mighty appealing right now. We do not live on post so I am not concerned with that at all. Edited December 15, 2014 by checkoutat10 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author checkoutat10 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Share Posted December 15, 2014 I think it's reasonable for him to spend time with the children at Christmas, at his place or perhaps with his family. Facilitate that. He is more than welcome to see them whenever he wants to, when I am not there. That is three days a week until 2330-0001 at night and I can leave for a weekend day or he can take them. I am not going to facilitate anything or hold his hand, he is a grown man. I will not keep them from him, ever, but I will not coddle his relationship with them, that is his job. I feel as though I have done plenty for him already. And what I got in return was a big fat EFF YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 If someone shows so little respect that they just march into their STBXs home... nope. I don't know how many chances others here would give, personally my number is 0, most people think 1 is reasonable. He blew his chance. How long should OP wait for him to change? Another 14 maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 And I know you may not know my full story, but I take offense at "throwing my kids' dad to the wolves." I apologize. All I knew is what you wrote in your original post. You'd been apart for 1 week & were filing for divorce to end your 14 year marriage & you were doing this 10 days before Christmas in the face of your kids clamoring where's Daddy. Alone, that looked a little mean. I am by no means suggesting you overlook his infidelity or his other failings but your posts are becoming more & more angry. I can't imagine how pissed you are at him nor am I judging you for how you feel. I am suggesting that now may be bad timing for your KIDS. If you toss daddy out on his ear, deserved or not from your adult perspective, what does that say from their child's perspective? Just be careful you don't screw them up mentally because you can't get past your own (justifiable) hurt & anger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author checkoutat10 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Share Posted December 15, 2014 I apologize. All I knew is what you wrote in your original post. You'd been apart for 1 week & were filing for divorce to end your 14 year marriage & you were doing this 10 days before Christmas in the face of your kids clamoring where's Daddy. Alone, that looked a little mean. I am by no means suggesting you overlook his infidelity or his other failings but your posts are becoming more & more angry. I can't imagine how pissed you are at him nor am I judging you for how you feel. I am suggesting that now may be bad timing for your KIDS. If you toss daddy out on his ear, deserved or not from your adult perspective, what does that say from their child's perspective? Just be careful you don't screw them up mentally because you can't get past your own (justifiable) hurt & anger. Thank you for your concern. But I will not apologize nor reconsider my actions. My husband should have thought about his children when he decided to seek affection from other females instead of their mother who he pledged to be faithful to on the day we were wed. I am extremely close to my children and I have done everything possible this past week to keep everything normal and show them that they have nothing to worry about, I believe they will be just fine. This is not something that just happened in a weeks' time. The last thing I need is for someone who is not in my shoes to tell me I'm being mean because my husband is a liar and a cheater and I refuse to take his BS. Seriously? Trust me, my children are just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 The last thing I need is for someone who is not in my shoes to tell me I'm being mean because my husband is a liar and a cheater and I refuse to take his BS. Seriously? Trust me, my children are just fine. For heavens sake. I did not say you WERE being mean. I said based on the limited knowledge I had available based solely on what you posted I said your children MIGHT interpret your actions as being mean which could hurt them even more. If you refuse to even consider that possibility, that's on you but don't get pissed at me because I offered you a perspective you refuse to consider. I don't know you. I don't know your husband and I don't know your kids. From what you posted you are one angry person which isn't going to serve your kids well over the next few days. I doubt they are fine. It's 10 days before Christmas & their parents' marriage is in tatters. It doesn't matter to them why. They just know there is chaos & emotional upheaval. It takes a toll. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author checkoutat10 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Share Posted December 15, 2014 Nope, you don't know me or my children, so please don't make the assumption that you know better than I do when it comes to my family. I have always been their pillar and they one they count on for stability and affection. My husband is not a bad father but he is...well...militarized. Not to mention he isn't around very often anyway due to multiple deployments, trainings, and field exercises. This is just round the way/average day stuff for them. One angry person? Have you ever been in my shoes? Please tell me how I *should* feel. I may be angry when I'm alone or venting on an online forum, but with my children I am the same mother they have counted on since the beginning of time. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 One angry person? Have you ever been in my shoes? Please tell me how I *should* feel. I may be angry when I'm alone or venting on an online forum, but with my children I am the same mother they have counted on since the beginning of time. You can feel anyway you want. But you are angry. I'm not saying you shouldn't be. I am saying that you may not be realizing what your kids currently perceive. I'm some person on a message board. Nothing more. I think your IC counselor will be a great resource. Link to post Share on other sites
Author checkoutat10 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Share Posted December 15, 2014 I am saying that you may not be realizing what your kids currently perceive. And I am saying that in that regard, you are wrong. You are working on the assumption that things were peachy between my husband and I and then all the sudden BAM! I tossed him on his rear, as you stated upthread. Things are much quieter, peaceful, and relaxed since he's been gone. That feels amazing to ALL of us. Link to post Share on other sites
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