Caught offguard about divorce

[kenmore]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post. I am used to these forums because I joined a widow(er) one when my first wife (married 16 years) died in Jan 2007. In Jul 2008 I found my second wife.

 

We seemed to have a great marriage, at least as far as I knew. I always thought we were doing well; perhaps that was due to my distorted views of marriage from the first one. Perhaps I had "good marriage spectacles" on.

 

Well, she suddenly decided we are "done". She uses that word regularly. I might be doing better if we had discussed this or if I had seen it coming, but I didn't.

 

Bottom line: I could not find work and she got sick of supporting me. She asked me to leave Jul 8. Otherwise, we had good sex, a loving relationship (again as far as I knew), and nobody cheated, lied, abused nor any other marriage breaking thing. I didn't sit on my ass, I just can't find work based on my circumstances. Potential good employment is in the works and she knows it, but she won't wait.

 

Obviously, I am not here for sympathy. I would like to open a dialogue, since she will not even really talk to me other than bash me. I really just need someone to talk to. I'd like to try to understand her feelings.

 

It's Christmas time. I know others must be going through the same thing and in similar pain. Please talk to me. Thanks!!

 

Ken

[Radu]

You should give more details, but this is not unusual, i've seen it happen in RL a few times and it appeared on these forums a few times.

 

A few questions :

- which one of you two earned more ?

- what is her history ?; marriages, kids, etc...

- what is your job or earning potential [solvent or not ?]

- you say that she used 'we are done' often; in what context ... give examples

[Radu]

Couple of examples from my RL come to mind.

 

A few months i took a taxi and ended up getting jammed in traffic, enough to have a long conversation with the driver.

Turns out he left for Italy, got married there, and supported her despite having a job herself.

When the recession hit, it eventually impacted his line of work so he ended up unemployed and with not many job prospects.

She started nagging him first, then verbally abusing him [from what he described] and eventually ended up with 'you are not man enough'/'a man supports his family' ... you get the idea.

She eventually left him for a guy with a job.

The guy in question tried his hardest to find a job and when he couldn't he eventually returned home [i ended up sending him to a lawyer i knew].

 

My cousin got divorced over the same issue, she was making twice what he was making.

My cousin was more financially responsible and even better at keeping house, a true handyman who built the furniture in the house ... but that was enough for her mother to work on, to amplify enough to make it a reason for divorce.

 

Some women [and men too] associate being a provider with manliness to extreme levels.

So much so that any fluctuation in employment can cause her to lose respect for her guy.

There is nothing to do with these women, if you look in their history you will notice a trend of leaving a marriage/relationship during a rough financial patch.

Ppl like this tend to be selfish and only care about me-me-me.

 

If you were married for that long before you know it's not all roses, rough patches do happen and the spouse is supposed to be your primary support system ... something that she has no problem getting, but has a hard time providing.

[LoveIsMyReligion]

This is a tough one to crack, I think we are missing a lot of details here. It's usually pretty difficult to give good advice with only one side of the story.

 

Best advice I could give given your situation is to start working on yourself and getting a job and let her figure things out. Things have a way of working themselves out, don't try to force it.

[kenmore]

Thanks you two, I really appreciate your replies. You both gave good useful responses.

 

One of the problems is that I have been going around on this stuff for months and have figured it all out already, but my mind just won't stop questioning.

 

Radu, of course you are right, it's the income and association with manhood that has caused our breakup. Logically and emotionally she's completely right to dump me, but your comment about the spouse being the primary support system is what's getting me.

 

History: I had an electronics business with my family for 30 years. When I met wife 2 in 2008, I still had that job, a house and my daughter still lived with me.

 

Wife 2 was single almost all of her life, with only one marriage early on which

didn't last long. She had her own young daughter. She has always made more money than me. We were scheduled to be married Feb 2010, and in Jan 2010 our business had to close down. She married me on schedule anyway and moved in to my house.

 

We ended up buying another house "together" and I helped raise her daughter into a teen, but since I was not working, she had to pay the mortgage and the bills while I looked for work and took care of the house, cooking etc. Meanwhile, I rented out my house, and it currently has tenants in it with a year to go on their lease.

 

Eventually she asked me to sign the title of the new house over to her since she was paying 100% of it, so I did. It was the right thing to do.

 

I had a job in retail for a year and a half, but it was low pay and not even full time. I contributed what I could. To my surprise, one day she asked me to quit and when I said no, paid me to quit. That was this last January. This action combined with her saying, and I quote, "Don't worry about getting a job, I make enough for both of us" led me to believe she was ok with our situation, but in June, she told me to get out of the house because she doesn't want to support me anymore.

 

I have since passed the state exam for selling insurance and am awaiting my license. I'm hoping my earning potential will be good after that and all I really wanted from her is to wait and let me make it up to her. I don't want her to support me anymore, in fact that would feel to me like a huge step backward. I just want her to wait and not divorce me.

 

I'm having to live at a relative's place for now and am at my lowest point in life. Putting so much time into the family business was probably my biggest mistake in life.

 

But, she's tired of waiting. She says "we're done" meaning she simply doesn't want me in her life anymore. She has told me point blank that the reason is because she lost respect for me as a man because a man shouldn't live off of his wife, and I agree. I plan to pay her everything I owe her for her support, but it seems the damage is done. She has filed, and I'm awaiting being served.

 

Loveismyreligion, you are right too of course. I just need to make myself a self sufficient man and focus on that. I know I need to give it up regarding her, but I still love her and I know deep inside she still loves me. Money is very important in this life, everybody knows that, but I really thought our marriage could withstand this. I guess it wasn't as good as I deluded myself into thinking.

 

And of course, the worst of it is, this is when I really need that support system, and this is when it's not there.

Edited December 15, 2014 by kenmore

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks you two, I really appreciate your replies. You both gave good useful responses.

 

One of the problems is that I have been going around on this stuff for months and have figured it all out already, but my mind just won't stop questioning.

 

Radu, of course you are right, it's the income and association with manhood that has caused our breakup. Logically and emotionally she's completely right to dump me, but your comment about the spouse being the primary support system is what's getting me.

 

History: I had an electronics business with my family for 30 years. When I met wife 2 in 2008, I still had that job, a house and my daughter still lived with me.

 

Wife 2 was single almost all of her life, with only one marriage early on which

didn't last long. She had her own young daughter. She has always made more money than me. We were scheduled to be married Feb 2010, and in Jan 2010 our business had to close down. She married me on schedule anyway and moved in to my house.

 

We ended up buying another house "together" and I helped raise her daughter into a teen, but since I was not working, she had to pay the mortgage and the bills while I looked for work and took care of the house, cooking etc. Meanwhile, I rented out my house, and it currently has tenants in it with a year to go on their lease.

 

Eventually she asked me to sign the title of the new house over to her since she was paying 100% of it, so I did. It was the right thing to do.

 

I had a job in retail for a year and a half, but it was low pay and not even full time. I contributed what I could. To my surprise, one day she asked me to quit and when I said no, paid me to quit. That was this last January. This action combined with her saying, and I quote, "Don't worry about getting a job, I make enough for both of us" led me to believe she was ok with our situation, but in June, she told me to get out of the house because she doesn't want to support me anymore.

 

I have since passed the state exam for selling insurance and am awaiting my license. I'm hoping my earning potential will be good after that and all I really wanted from her is to wait and let me make it up to her. I don't want her to support me anymore, in fact that would feel to me like a huge step backward. I just want her to wait and not divorce me.

 

I'm having to live at a relative's place for now and am at my lowest point in life. Putting so much time into the family business was probably my biggest mistake in life.

 

But, she's tired of waiting. She says "we're done" meaning she simply doesn't want me in her life anymore. She has told me point blank that the reason is because she lost respect for me as a man because a man shouldn't live off of his wife, and I agree. I plan to pay her everything I owe her for her support, but it seems the damage is done. She has filed, and I'm awaiting being served.

 

Loveismyreligion, you are right too of course. I just need to make myself a self sufficient man and focus on that. I know I need to give it up regarding her, but I still love her and I know deep inside she still loves me. Money is very important in this life, everybody knows that, but I really thought our marriage could withstand this. I guess it wasn't as good as I deluded myself into thinking.

 

And of course, the worst of it is, this is when I really need that support system, and this is when it's not there.

 

That's not a marriage. That's a business investment.

 

I hope that you find a more quality woman who will be with you through thick and thin, not just when there's cash flow.

 

NONE of us are guaranteed employment or income tomorrow.

[Radu]

That's not a marriage. That's a business investment.

 

I hope that you find a more quality woman who will be with you through thick and thin, not just when there's cash flow.

 

NONE of us are guaranteed employment or income tomorrow.

 

DOT is spot on.

 

OP, i'm gonna go out on a limb here and just ask it [with the risk of getting some dissaproving glares in the process] ... she grew up in a very macho culture or is she a somewhat die-hard feminist ?

[kenmore]

Wow Dreamingoftigers, that is an opinion I hadn't heard from anyone else, but you seem to have something there. Thanks!

 

While I accept my part of the blame for not being able to find good work, I do feel it's not right her divorcing me over it since I have tried. It was difficult because I spent too much time trying to compensate by doing things around the house, tried to start businesses and make money any way I could to try to pull my weight, and it took me away from the real task at hand which was to get well employed.

 

Radu, she had a family who didn't treat her well, moved out by the time she was 18 and made her own way in life. I don't know if I'd say she's that much of a feminist, but I do acknowledge that she worked hard and I respect her for that. That's another reason she can't abide me not working...and of course she reminded me of that constantly.