How to prep for a divorce?

[Masstechteach]

We've been separated for about 2 months but I know I don't want to go back. We started talking about this back in July and finally in September I left. My dilemma is that I know I want a divorce but the financial aspect is what scares me.

I've always been the bread winner working 2 jobs for the past 15 years. She stopped working when my first born was 6 months old. She has had odd jobs, but nothing full time. I'm afraid I'm going to get screwed and she is more than capable of working full time. She was making a hell of a lot more than me when we first married. Right now my paychecks are still paying for everything for the family. I will support my kids til the end of the earth but she needs to get a job.

Our separation, while not legally recognized, is amicable. The kids are old enough, 15 & 18, to understand the situation and custody is not a thing I worry about.

Also, I think she may be seeing someone. I've spotted her car in front of the guy's apartment at 7:15 on a Saturday morning. She never gets up that early on the weekends. Since our separation is not legally recognized is this considered cheating on a spouse? I know it's hard to prove.

Basically, does anyone have any advice on:

a) How to start the divorce process?

b) How not to get screwed financially since everything we own came out of my paychecks? How do the courts look at her as a capable person who chooses not to work and be supported by me?

c) Can I use the possible cheating as a means towards the divorce and how?

[d0nnivain]

Talk to a lawyer. Under certain circumstances income can be imputed to a spouse (even if they are currently unemployed based on factors like their education & past work history, the court would look at how much the spouse could earn) Also there are worksheets about child support.

[beach]

When you talk to the attorney get the divorce filed as soon as you can. That way it goes on record and the time starts ticking toward it getting finalized.

 

In my state they use calculations based on the persons "ability" to work/earn money and how much that's worth. Then it's factored in to the equation.

 

Even so with a long term marriage you may still pay spousal support.

 

You maybe better off leaving one job so your earnings don't show as high... At least until after the final settlement is determined.

 

 

Why has she stayed home so long? The kids are old enough that she could have been working the past several years. You worked two jobs while she worked none? Why did you agree to that?

[jakrbbt]

 

You maybe better off leaving one job so your earnings don't show as high... At least until after the final settlement is determined.

 

 

 

Be careful though-- In my state at least, there is case law saying that judges should make findings against a spouse who does that. Findings that the spouse who willfully lowers their income during and because of divorce is not the one who should have custody if it comes down to a custody battle. Also some findings regarding asset division can be affected by that. But maybe in your state it doesn't matter. So yes, see a lawyer and ask about the above consideration.

 

If you are in the U.S., I don't see how her cheating can be relevant-- but yes, see a lawyer about that.

 

Don't think in terms of getting screwed or getting back, hard as that is. Think in terms of what can work for the kids. Because that's how the court will think.

 

Generally, the court's outlook is to find something that works for the future of the children. This isn't a lawsuit with you versus her-- much as it feels like one. It's the dissolution of what was a consenting, mutually-agreed-upon marital union. The court doesn't give a damn that your marital dreams are shattered, that your heart is broken or what not. Instead, it cares only that the future of your restructured arrangement is something that works for the children. And that means that you will not likely have to totally support a non-working spouse who can work but chooses not to. What court would like that? Yet lots of people try it. There are probably statutes and case law opinions dealing with situations in which people try to get away with "using" their divorce to remain unemployed. And some spouses feel like they're unfairly supporting an unemployed or under-employed ex, but my sense is that that's not likely to happen unless you make a whole lot, in most places anyway.

 

Division of assets (including houses) is often where people feel they got screwed though, from what I am seeing. You never expected something you paid for to go to someone else. Again, think in terms of the kids. See an attorney. Spousal support is different in all different states, and there are usually reasons for it that your situation will or will not meet. But try to look in terms of what's best for the children, and not in terms of how upsetting it is that she might be cheating and how afraid you are of getting screwed. I'm not saying it isn't normal to feel that way. I'm just saying, that line of thinking is likely to work against you in court, where the judge will care about the children's future and how to make that work looking forward, not about who did what to whom and who "deserves" what. Best of luck, at this point the anxiety can be excruciating, but things are very likely to work out in a way you could live with far better than staying in an unhealthy marriage.

Edited December 15, 2014 by jakrbbt

[PegNosePete]

Findings that the spouse who willfully lowers their income

Yes, don't do that. It is the oldest trick in the book and a judge would see through it like a window on a glass aeroplane. You would instantly be seen as a conniving person and likely to be lying about other things, which will disadvantage you.

[d0nnivain]

It's one thing if you get fired through no fault of your own & a lower paying position is all you can get.

 

If you expect the Court to impute income to your non-working spouse the court may look at your potential earning too. So if your current job makes $100,000 & you quit to take a job for $75,000 you could end up getting stuck paying child support based on an income of $100,000, which is a huge lose-lose for you.

 

Adopt this mantra: be fair to your spouse & generous to your kids.

[oldshirt]

Those are questions for a divorce lawyer in your jurisdiction.

[Masstechteach]

Thanks for the advice. After the first of the year I am going to seek a divorce lawyer to get the ball rolling. I don't want to screw her and I don't want to be screwed. I just it work out fairly, whatever that is.

I'm not sure I would quit my second job because there is no guarantee I will get it back. And like d0nnivain said if I quit and then get stuck paying on that income that I once had it will not be fun for my wallet. Also, I have college payments starting up in a year for my oldest.

 

Like I said I will do anything for my kids. I understand completely that the courts have their best interests in mind. I was never abusive, addicted, or in anyway harmful to my kids or her. I've always given them, the kids, what they want and I will let my lawyer know that I want to support the kids, not her. However, as some of you stated I still may end up supporting her, which of course isn't fair, but that isn't my call.

 

Beach, I ask myself that same question, why did she not go back to work sooner. I guess I grew comfortable with her taking care of the kids while I worked. That way I didn't have to take sick days or personal time.

 

I live in Massachusetts. Any advice on what could happen in my situation through the MA court system?

[d0nnivain]

I live in Massachusetts. Any advice on what could happen in my situation through the MA court system?

 

 

Ask a Massachusetts lawyer not a bunch of lay people on an international message board.

[carhill]

Since you asked how to prep, here's what I did:

 

Gathered records of our marriage and relevant financial status and asset ownerships at time of marriage.

 

Gathered current financial records, last three years tax returns and relevant community and separate property records.

 

Ran a P&L and net worth statement on the business

 

Gathered up relevant trust documents and any other filed or recorded legal documents.

 

Brought this portfolio of records to my first consultation and spent about 90 minutes going over them and formulating a rough plan of action. At that point, the attorney asked if I wished to retain him. I did. Retainer was paid in cash. Billings could be paid either by cash or credit card. One of our strategies was a bankruptcy strategy, so I gathered frequent flier miles for the billing dollars spent and conserved cash.

 

IMO, no need to wait until after the first of the year. You can gather up your essentials in a couple days and get in an interview this week or next. Then, with a plan of action in place, execute after Christmas and have her served. Move forward. There's no pleasant time to serve divorce papers. Divorce is never pleasant. Grit your teeth and go. It'll get better.