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Should I do it before the holidays?


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I've been considering leaving my wife for a really long time (years) due to my loss of love and respect and financial reasons. I separated for a couple weeks a few months ago to have some time to think away from the home. She's known for a couple years that I've been on the fence about my feelings of love for her, so this is not new news to her. She obviously wants me to stay.

 

I've seen a couple councilors over the years and so has she. We both seem unwilling to do what it would take to save the marriage. We get along well, no children, it's just always felt a little empty for the 12 years of dating and 10 years of marriage. In some ways she would agree too. We met when we were 18 and have been together a total of 22 years.

 

My question is, should I leave for good before the holidays? In the grand scheme of things, psychologically, does it make a difference if I left now or at the first of the year?

 

She gets disappointed at each holiday when I don't proclaim my love for her. She's never really liked Christmas. We have plans to visit my parents in Colorado for XMas, but she's never been fond of my family and hates the entire state of CO and everything about it. She's begrudgingly going to make me happy. Her parents have passed.

 

Any insight and thoughts would be much appreciated.

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Lernaean_Hydra

If she gets "sad around the holidays" and you've...I don't know, made som kind of a point to demonstrate you no longer love her over past holidays, why on earth would you drag this out over yet another miserable Christmas?

 

She knows you don't want to be there, you know you don't want to be there and since it doesn't sound as if your presence over the holidays during recent years has brightened her days anyway, I guess I'm just confused as to why you're dragging your feet.

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You have been together for twenty two years. It's 2 weeks before Christmas. At this point, really what is another 3 weeks?

 

If you dump her now & run off to your parents for the holidays, where does that leave her? On one hand that might be better -- a physical separation in the immediate aftermath. But I would think through all of the logistical Qs -- who stays, who leaves etc. -- from the perspective of what you want to happen before you make a decision.

 

Since has known for years that you aren't fulfilled in the marriage but she is doing something she doesn't like -- spending time with your family for the holidays -- she seems willing to work on your marriage. Yet you say that you both are unwilling to do what it takes to save the marriage. I find that. You don't have to tell me why, but you need to know why you are unwilling to work at it.

 

I hate to see two decades down the drain without a real fight to keep it together.

 

You know her better than we do. She might find it a relief for this to finally be over rather than hanging over your heads. She might be happy not to have to to CO. Or you might ruin Christmas for her forever.

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I hate to see two decades down the drain without a real fight to keep it together.

 

I tend to agree with this quote. While you said that you both have been to counseling over the years, it wasn't clear if you had been together through marriage counseling. It can work wonders if you want it to, and after 22 years, I think you owe it to each other to at least explore the possibility that what you have here is a dormant relationship in which laziness and routine have set in and you really need to start focusing on each other again.

 

Mind you, I only know what you've written here, but if she is willing to travel to a place she doesn't like during a season she doesn't like to spend time with people she doesn't like to make you happy, there is still something in her that cares deeply for you and your relationship. I think if you both could tap into what that is, and build from there, you might find that you can actually be happy again.

 

I think it's at least worth a shot, after all that time.

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I tend to agree with don and kb, this close to Christmas you should hold fire, have a big talk after xmas and if you still want to move on do it in the new year............ c'mon, its Christmas time :)

Edited by Richiebuoy
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It is really sad that you plan on leaving on the holidays I find it as a way to make her feel bad. She deserves more then that after 22 years. My gosh you waited this long you can wait a little longer. My husband is doing the same thing to me he bailed just before Thanksgiving. He lost a lot of respect from me and the kids. I took it upon my self to do Christmas for the kids and I knowing he would do the same. He had it all figured out now he is the one depressed he never should of asked for divorce and say he did not love me when he did he could have waited longer then thinking about it. Now he has created resentment. Think about why you want to do this now and why you can not wait to do this. Maybe actions in the past made her dislike Holidays further more why would you want to add to that? Disliking Holidays comes from hurt and bad experiences.

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GirlStillStrong

Ever heard of analysis paralysis? Move the f**k out and be done with it. Why do people have so much difficulty executing the decisions they make? Get it over with. I mean really? Christmas? That's what's standing between you and the rest of your life??

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Seriously. If you had kids it would be different. But you are dragging her to CO to be with your family, who she doesn't like, and you aren't going to profess your love on Christmas so WHY would SHE want you to stay. You aren't doing her any favors.

 

Do it now. Give each other some space and time to think and feel. Perhaps things will look different in the New Year but for now, give this poor girl a break. Hopefully she can be with a family she really enjoys and gets love from.

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Take her to CO and go smoke some pot and go horseback riding through the red rocks together and do some sightseeing and go ski Aspen.

 

She may like that state a whole lot better now. The people are a lot more chill...maybe even your own parents.

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Applcore15,

I am sorry for your situation but this jumped out at me,

 

We both seem unwilling to do what it would take to save the marriage.

 

which is a shame, but I can't see any point in dragging this out any longer.

 

There will never be a good time to leave, I'm afraid.

 

Only you can make the decision......

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Lernaean_Hydra
Seriously. If you had kids it would be different. But you are dragging her to CO to be with your family, who she doesn't like, and you aren't going to profess your love on Christmas so WHY would SHE want you to stay. You aren't doing her any favors.

 

Do it now. Give each other some space and time to think and feel. Perhaps things will look different in the New Year but for now, give this poor girl a break. Hopefully she can be with a family she really enjoys and gets love from.

 

That's the point I was trying to make. I know others will disagree but I honestly don't see a point in waiting until X date passes to end things. There will always be an upcoming holiday/birthday/anniversary/whatever one can use to point to and say "I'll just wait till after that and then I'll end it." I mean why, so when you finally get around to it they feel even worse at the realization you were simply sitting on that grenade waiting for the holiday to end so you could get it over with?

 

I actually broke up with an ex three days before Christmas after knowing it had to end for weeks. I told myself I'd wait till after holidays, then after the new year until I realized I was being ridiculous and unfair to both of us.

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From your other posts - even going back 4 years - you haven't wanted in the marriage for a long time.

 

End it sooner rather than later. It's been over for a long time.

 

 

Have you been seeing/interested in - another woman besides your wife?

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From my own situation -

 

my exH was having an affair that I knew nothing about. I think it started in about August because that is when he changed and became (more) sulky and on occasion just plain nasty to me. In Nov I couldn't stand it any more and told him I wanted out.

 

That year we were due to stay with his parents.

 

He begged me not to leave before because "he didn't want his parents upset before Christmas". Stupidly I agreed and I had the most miserable Christmas of my life.

He didn't really want to be there (because no doubt he wanted to be with OW) and hardly spoke the whole time.

I didn't want to be playing "happy families" when my heart wasn't in it.

 

I wish afterwards that I had had the courage of my convictions and refused to go.

 

You haven't mentioned any other person OP, but the situation is similar. Do you really want this for yourself?

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Why don't you just tell her there's no need to torture herself by going with you to Colorado (Lordy, who could hate that place?), and then deal with the rest of the stuff later?

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I am leaving my WH the weekend before Christmas. When I first discovered that he was cheating on me and decided that I wanted to end the relationship, I seriously considered waiting until after Christmas. We usually go to his mom's, I didn't want to add drama to their holiday, and I kinda wanted to have one last Christmas with them.

 

Then I really thought hard about that. The Christmases with them were good because we all felt like family. Now I have no idea who my husband is anymore and I know soon all of these people are going to be my ex-in-laws. All I was doing was trying to hold on to something that doesn't exist anymore, and without knowing how long my WH has been a lying cheat, it might never have existed. Plus, just as someone else said, his birthday is the day after Christmas, and then there is New Year's - all the while, still being under the same roof with a man I resent more and more each day. Why wait? Rip off the band aid so the healing can begin, especially if Christmas isn't special to her and she's already expecting to be miserable anyway. The only reason why I'm even waiting until next weekend to leave is he will be out of town and that's the soonest an apartment was available for move-in. Wish me luck that I can jump through all their little application hoops successfully! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

Edited by MightyQuinn
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I can see and understand both points of view, end it now or wait.

 

 

Just my .02, I think you really should sit her down and talk to her. Tell you are just not happy anymore and that you are seriously considering ending things now. Ask her what she would like.

 

 

I just think it would be cruel to just abandon her just before the holidays. Have a little compassion for her, afterall she has been by your side for the last 22 years. You are the one on the fence about everything. If it just isn't working out for you anymore and it is time to end things, at least talk to her and see what she wants to do for the holidays. Have some respect and consideration for her, don't just treat her like a peice of used toilet paper. She at least deserves that.

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First, you never ever have to be with someone. She doesn't have a "right" to you any more than you have a "right" to her, even after years of being together. Deciding you don't want to be with someone is not, in itself, "abandoning" them. Breakups are hurtful of course, but they aren't an infringement. Yes, it's best if you can do counseling and try to stay together. People are so likely to just have the same issues with the next relationship. But it sounds like you're past the point of wanting to stay, and there might be many reasons for that.

 

Second, there is no reason you can't do it in a respectful way, with consideration for her feelings. I agree with the above poster, have a sit-down. Tell her all the positive things about her. Tell her that you don't think the relationship is a good one, you both could be happier and healthier on your own. Ask her what she wants--even if it's likely to be something you cannot give. Ask. It's very nice to be asked what you want. The more specific, the more respectful and easier it is to respond.

 

I don't know that it matters in the long run, whether you do it now or after Christmas. It depends on her. If I were in her shoes, I'd resent having done something I didn't want to do, and then having a break-up right after. I'd far rather sever ties with someone before the holiday, than go to the effort of hanging out with their friends/family I was uncomfortable with and then break up right after that. But my parents are still alive, and I don't know what the holidays would be like if they weren't. I'm guessing that would just make it all the more awkward though, to go make or deepen connections to in-laws where those connections maybe aren't naturally forthcoming, and then end the relationship right afterward. So I lean toward having the talk now.

Edited by jakrbbt
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