Divorce Checklist and Other Questions

[limited]

I was going to start a thread about why or even if I should divorce, but 12 years of doing the same thing year after year, I should already know the answer.

 

So my question is what are some things I should put on my checklist while planning this separation, and then ultimately, divorce? I have not yet separated from my husband. He doesn't know it yet. I tried to leave him 2 years ago, but chickened out. I even went as far as getting an apartment of my own approved and putting a deposit down.

 

So far, these are on my checklist (in order of what came up through my mind), but help me out if I'm missing anything:

 

1. Will - I need to get this done in case something should happen to me or my son. My husband may kill me, both of us, or all of us. Don't know, so want to be safe. At least he tells me that he will kill me if I ever leave him or make my life hell, etc.

2. Change the beneficiary on my life insurance policies and produce a trust if needed.

3. Other finances: open separate checking account, start saving and transferring money to the new account.

4. Get a lawyer.

5. Get a new place to live. Start gathering items to the new place.

6. Apply for conceal to carry license. Already took class, just need to submit application.

7. Once all is done, get out and tell him we have left him. I can't tell him in person since don't know what he will do. He's never hit me, but he's shown other types of violence before like property damage, threats and enough emotional abuse to last a lifetime.

8. Inform my closest family members that I left and if anything happens, they know.

 

Not sure what else I'm missing...anyone gone through a divorce involving an unpredictable and mean spouse?

 

 

The good news is that within the last 2 years, I have been giving him less and less sex than ever before, I no longer cook or clean for him as much, and I have annoyed him in more ways than ever, so I feel that he hates me now too and probably wouldn't mind if I leave him.

Edited December 11, 2014 by limited

[carhill]

IMO, that's a good start but I'll make one suggestion, only a minor re-ordering based on divorce experience:

 

Put #4 into the #1 spot. Competent legal advice is paramount to getting the snowball rolling in the direction you desire and in the most efficient manner. My lawyer worked in concert with an estate planning lawyer in his firm and I had to do some court time to get things lined up properly; this strategy worked out fine and IMO led to a more orderly and amicable D. In your case, with a contentious adversary, I'd be even more mindful of getting everything lined up and all potential scenarios fleshed out before taking any actions you can't take back.

 

Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

7. Once all is done, get out and tell him we have left him. I can't tell him in person since don't know what he will do. He's never hit me, but he's shown other types of violence before like property damage, threats and enough emotional abuse to last a lifetime.

 

With this being the case and if you're concerned enough to get a concealed weapon permit, I'd add "Get a Restraining Order" to the list.

 

Do you have children together?

 

Mr. Lucky

[EverySunset]

My ex made the same nasty threats about killing me if I left, maiming me, to running to his car to hit mine if he thought I was putting on my coat.

 

He is such a drama queen.

 

I found out about his years of infidelities and suddenly the idea of dealing with his threats as a single woman became infinitely more attractive than as his other half. Violence threatened as a consequence is abuse.

 

He never hurt me. He might want to, but he knows better. Everyone around me (and some of HIS friends) know about the threats and he'd be an idiot to do anything now. Believe me, you're much more at risk for violent behavior while still in a home with him.

 

Protect yourself, and be careful, but get out on your own. Do not let fear keep you in the more dangerous place. Ironic, but I've been there so I know about it.

 

Be strong. You can do this. I will keep this in mind in case I can add more

[limited]

With this being the case and if you're concerned enough to get a concealed weapon permit, I'd add "Get a Restraining Order" to the list.

 

Do you have children together?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We have a 5 year old son. The CCW is more for safety in general and also because the husband likes to go dramatic whenever I want to break up. He has 5 guns of his own already.

[limited]

My ex made the same nasty threats about killing me if I left, maiming me, to running to his car to hit mine if he thought I was putting on my coat.

 

He is such a drama queen.

 

I found out about his years of infidelities and suddenly the idea of dealing with his threats as a single woman became infinitely more attractive than as his other half. Violence threatened as a consequence is abuse.

 

He never hurt me. He might want to, but he knows better. Everyone around me (and some of HIS friends) know about the threats and he'd be an idiot to do anything now. Believe me, you're much more at risk for violent behavior while still in a home with him.

 

Protect yourself, and be careful, but get out on your own. Do not let fear keep you in the more dangerous place. Ironic, but I've been there so I know about it.

 

Be strong. You can do this. I will keep this in mind in case I can add more

 

I guess I'm not so scared anymore honestly. I have become immune to his name calling, and sadly, sometimes I don't care anymore if he takes my life as long as my son and I depart this cruel world at the same time. 2015 is going to be another crappy year full of drama and who knows what else.

[oldshirt]

Believe me, you're much more at risk for violent behavior while still in a home with him.

 

 

no, a very volatile and high-risk time is during the separation process and shortly after leaving.

 

 

Many people have been severely injured and even murdered during the separation and divorce process. Children are also at risk of parental abduction during the separation/divorce process.

 

 

It is something that needs to be taken seriously and physical safety and security needs to be a primary objective during the planning process.

[oldshirt]

IMO, that's a good start but I'll make one suggestion, only a minor re-ordering based on divorce experience:

 

Put #4 into the #1 spot. Competent legal advice is paramount to getting the snowball rolling in the direction you desire and in the most efficient manner. My lawyer worked in concert with an estate planning lawyer in his firm and I had to do some court time to get things lined up properly; this strategy worked out fine and IMO led to a more orderly and amicable D. In your case, with a contentious adversary, I'd be even more mindful of getting everything lined up and all potential scenarios fleshed out before taking any actions you can't take back.

 

Good luck!

 

 

I agree. Obtaining competent legal counsel needs to be step #1.

 

 

During the initial consultation with your attorney you need to discuss your concerns of his threats and your attorney can help you with battered women's resources and protective measures.

[carhill]

We have a 5 year old son. The CCW is more for safety in general and also because the husband likes to go dramatic whenever I want to break up. He has 5 guns of his own already.

IMO, this is a wise pre-emptory move. Why? In many jurisdictions (check with your sheriff or PD), if you ever have the need to avail yourself of assistance from law enforcement, and you identify yourself to them, their system will return your CCW status and the call will immediately become a priority call because they are aware that you are or may be armed with a deadly weapon. This is a good thing, because it gets you more comprehensive and speedier service than another civilian might receive. That said, always be sure to follow to the letter the rules of CCW, both for your and your child's safety, as well as to keep yourself out of hot water with the LEO's. When in doubt, about anything, ask them. They have procedures for everything. Be sure to advise your lawyer of your CCW status.

 

Things will get better. It takes time. You'll get through it. Good luck!

[GirlStillStrong]

Do you know how long a wait is required for the CCW in your state?

 

I agree with getting the restraining order timed with your moving out.

 

Also, could you call the battered women's shelter hotline and ask their advice? They know this type of man very well and can tell you how he will react.

 

I do have a question. How in the hell do you have sex with a man who threatened to kill you?

[carhill]

IME, it's a matter of interview, getting rolled, DOJ doing their work and the PC or Sheriff processing it out. Strictly procedural, and mainly dependent on the local LEO's. Getting an approved weapon, or grandfathering an owned weapon in, and doing the class, law and shooting work goes as fast as one can do it and pay for it.

 

The good news is, in many jurisdictions, LEO's are loosening up and more efficiently processing permits so the process can go fast, under a month not being crazy fast anymore. In any event, the Sheriff or PC can easily advise on such matters. They know.

 

OP, save for verifiable incidences of your life being in danger, I'd focus more on the divorce process and trying to get through it as amicably as possible. A peaceful outcome is the preferable outcome.

 

I'll share a tidbit of advice I came to value from my lawyer: Pick one thing you want out of this process and focus on that, with everything else being negotiable or dismissible. Simplifying things can work wonders for finding a solution everyone, and most importantly you and your child, can live with.

[limited]

Do you know how long a wait is required for the CCW in your state?

 

I agree with getting the restraining order timed with your moving out.

 

Also, could you call the battered women's shelter hotline and ask their advice? They know this type of man very well and can tell you how he will react.

 

I do have a question. How in the hell do you have sex with a man who threatened to kill you?

I have lost myself. For some reason when someone shows me signs of abuse, I don't run. I end up staying and trying to fix things. I did this with previous exbfs too. Whenever they said some nasty words to me, I would just cry, but not leave. Yes, I did grow up in an abusive environment, but did not realize this until recent years that what I experienced was not normal.

 

I do know of a women's shelter. Last time I tried to leave, I threatened him that if he does anything stupid, a restraining order will go against him and will show up on his records preventing him to get a job. Not sure if that's all accurate, but he did not go violent the last time I pushed divorce. He just came back crying saying let's do this and that to work it out, but yet never acknowledged his faults. He actually still blamed me.

[limited]

Thanks everyone for the feedback so far. This past weekend I went to take a look at the apartment that I'm planning on moving into in either mid January or February and it was perfect. Brand new building, great location and roomy enough for me and my son.

 

Before I was going to do this, I asked my little angel to give me some signs that I'm doing the right thing. These are the signs just over the weekend:

1) found out that husband has been going to adult dating websites to find one night stands, etc.

2) I witnessed my son hitting his dad and treating his dad pretty badly only for his dad to return the violence 2x by twisting his ears and making him cry. I have told the husband that our son is not like that to me, so he is only treating you how you treat him. He tells me to shut up.

3) The apartment I had feared about turned out perfect. I love it.

4) Just woke up from another nightmare this morning about how the husband would keep yelling and raising his voice at us when we're out in public.

[d0nnivain]

You need a restraining order NOW. I don't care if a little child hit his father. the father never gets to hit back.

 

When you leave the police station head to the lawyer's office & don't look back.

[jakrbbt]

I am very happy for you OP, that you found a great apartment.

 

When you've moved your stuff in and gotten a night's sleep there, start looking up family therapists who specialize in families with young children. Set up a session with one-- do you have health insurance? If not, likely there's some who have sliding scale payments.

 

Your son needs it and you need it. Time to give that child a secure household. You can do it.