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The last straw, I'm giving up...


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...And it feels great and scary at the same time. I've been married to my husband for 4 years, but we've been together for almost 14. The sooner I can sever ties now, the better.

 

TL;DR version: Discovered husband is cheating and hiding an affair, I haven't told him yet that I know about his infidelity OR that I plan to divorce him over it.

 

I was happy and I thought he was happy, too. We didn't have a perfect marriage, but I always felt like we were working on it, growing together, and moving forward. We spent a lot of time together, had a lot of the same interests, sex 2-3 times a week, we also had our own hobbies and other aspects to our leaves besides just each other.

 

We worked through a LOT of our old issues and these days, the main problems we had were, as far as I'm concerned, trivial. The balance of housework and the balance of paying for the bills was heavily weighted on my side, he didn't make much of an effort towards maintaining the household. But I have a college degree and he doesn't, so I knew that's how it would be financially, and I accepted it (he always seemed to feel inferior to me as far as work and would make a big deal about how I don't really work, but he does, because his job is physical and mine is at a desk). He wanted the house to be clean, but didn't want to make a contribution towards making it clean. I cooked him dinner, he never thought it was his responsibility to clean anything in the kitchen if he didn't make the food, even if he was fine with eating the food. I did a lot of housework, at my own pace, and was comfortable with it because i knew stuff was getting done the way I liked it, even if he wasn't happy with how fast things got done in the house. Sometimes when we argued about things, he would get really intense, but as time went on, he grew out of it for the most part.

 

Not the most terrible thing in the world, right? No marriage is perfect, I thought any problems we had could be conquered.

 

And it gets better, after 13 years of being together, we had nurtured our relationship enough that this summer, we both confessed that we felt like we were falling in love with the other all over again. There's always a thought in the back of your head when you're married that asks "Could we really make the distance?" Every day I felt more and more confident that we'd be a cute little old couple one day.

 

Then he started saying some things that seemed really odd and out of the blue. Long story short, I put some things together, did a little snooping, and found out he had been screwing one of his coworkers for months.

 

I discovered this almost 2 weeks ago and I haven't yet confronted him. I don't really feel the need to talk with him about it or find out more, because there's no need to talk, there is no fixing this.

 

I would work with him on just about anything, but I can never trust a word he says again. It would be one thing to get drunk and have a one night stand, and then come clean and beg me for forgiveness. I could work with that.

 

But to take all the time and effort that he could be investing in our relationship, and investing it keeping a secret affair? All the while acting with me like he worships the ground I walk on and that we're possibly the happiest we've ever been? That's a level of betrayal and disrespect I can never forgive. And how do I know this is the first time? If he could cheat on me now, when the going has been so good, he could have been cheating on me our whole relationship for all I know.

 

He told this woman that he loved her and that he thought she was prettier than me and they even dressed in a paired Halloween costume at their workplace. I go to a friend's house regularly on Thursdays, he invited her to secretly come over TO OUR HOUSE so they could screw while he was supposed to be watching the football game. I'm pretty sure I found a love stain on the couch, now that I know to look out for the evidence. I've found cigarette butts in our house with some woman's lipstick on them (I don't smoke).

 

He had the gall to tell me the other day that getting married to me was the best thing that ever happened to him. I had to swallow the urge to puke and tell him that I felt pretty lucky, too. Yes, now I'm the liar, but I don't feel bad about it. He apparently didn't feel bad about lying to me and carrying on a relationship with another woman. He lied first, so I didn't feel bad about lying right back at him. I don't owe him anything.

 

Even so, I don't know what to do. I've decided I want to leave him, regardless, there is nothing he could say or do for me to trust him again, and with no trust, what's the POINT of being together?

 

I just don't know when or how. I want to basically tell him I'm leaving and be out of the house on the same day, because I'm afraid THIS will trigger his bad temper. I just don't know how that's going to work. That involves getting lots of stuff sorted through and packed (which has been happening, I've been on a tear to clean through our closets - hubby, none the wiser, is just happy to see me cleaning, the misogynistic twerp). That means getting an apartment rented, and possibly having to pay rent on two places for 2 months (we have a month to month lease, I could remove myself from it any time, thankfully).

 

That's not even counting getting the procedure started with the state (Minnesota). We don't really have assets to split, mostly debts (credit cards, student loan, car loan, IRS), 2 cars and household items.

 

I'm mostly just venting because as I said, I haven't talked to him about this, I'm basically pretending to still love my husband, even though my heart has basically gone cold and stoney towards him and I'm plotting my escape from this marriage. The only people who know are my awesome secret-keeping best friend, the lawyer I called for a free consultation today, and anyone who happens to read this thread.

 

I'm also kinda freaked out because I feel like he will aggravate the divorce proceedings. I don't think he'll want to get divorced and if I want to, he's going to make it hard and complicated. Anyone get a divorce in Minnesota? ANyone have a combative spouse try to make the whole procedure more painful than it needed to be? How about people who also divorced a lying, cheating spouse and have moved on with their lives?

 

Give me your advice and exit strategies! Tell me your stories.

 

Quinn

Edited by MightyQuinn
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Some of those things are things you need to discuss with your lawyer.

 

 

Since you sound pretty determined to divorce regardless of what he says or does and that there is no chance of you reconciling (you have convinced me of that anyway) then I would advise keeping your plans and intentions completely unwraps until the trap is sprung.

 

 

Keep everything on the down low and work with your lawyer to make plans and strategies and get everything in place until you push the launch button.

 

 

The more you have your wagons circled and the more plans you have worked out, the better your outcome will be. if you can stay several steps ahead of him and keep him trying to play catch-up, the more things will be to your advantage.

 

 

It's always better to be proactive and the one making things happen rather than being reactive and being the respondent. To take a line from my favorite TV show - " you can be the butcher or the cattle."

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When you talk to the lawyer again, find out if you will need evidence of his infidelity to make the divorce happen. I don't know the laws in Minnesota, they are different in every state regarding divorce.

 

You do sound like you are very determined to end this marriage. That means you probably had some pretty clear evidence of the infidelity? Do what you can to protect that evidence because you may need it.

 

I too experienced the best time in our relationship immediately preceding finding out that he cheated on me and had BEEN cheating for a year and half with a co-worker. I can't explain why your husband would do that, but my ex did the exact same thing. Maybe, in part, it was to convince himself that he should stay and try to work things out, or guilt, or who knows why. It could be as simple as wanting to keep you in the dark and give you no reason to go looking. Cheaters do some very awful things in addition to the cheating. To be honest... a year later.... it was the lying and the sneakiness and the sleeping with her in MY bed and in MY house and generally making me look like a damn fool that is still bothering me. It wasn't the act of cheating itself, it was the crap that he had to go through to keep me unaware... the gaslighting, the lying, the trickle truthing. I'm sorry he's done this to you because I know full well how much it hurts. Keeping busy making an exit strategy will help you from losing your mind about it all.

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Thanks for the advice oldshirt and the personal story, Raena.

 

I feel like a fool, too. Especially since him and I and his hussy (and her husband!) have spent time together, most recently the week before our 4th anniversary. How did I not notice? Of course, now that I think back to it, there was a weird dynamic between them. I'm going to make sure her hubby knows about this, too, at some point.

 

I found very definitive evidence and sent a copy of it to myself. Minnesota is no fault, so it doesn't matter who cheated on who. I kept the evidence so I can remind myself in moments of weakness why I can't trust him anymore. I'm also keeping my eyes open for more evidence.

 

And I am pretty determined, I feel like I've put in a lot of time and effort, committing myself whole-heartedly to this marriage, just to find out he broke his vows. If he can cheat while things are this good, I just don't see what could be done to make him happy enough to not want to stray. And for my part, every time he leaves the house, I'll wonder if he's sneaking off to meet someone else. Every time he's in the next room, i'll be wondering if he's naked skyping or dirty snapchatting with his side-dish.

 

Thanks for "listening" :)

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Oh, and I totally get the gaslight thing! Now that I know what's going on, so much weird stuff and random, unnecessary arguments make sense now, in the context that he's probably really anxious keeping this secret. It makes me mad that he could try to make me feel so bad, when he was the one doing wrong.

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GirlStillStrong

Talk about dysfunctional. Let me tell you one thing I've learned about men. They portray one thing to your face but maintain this other side of themselves and their lives that you don't see. It's not just you and him, trust me.

 

You are one strong woman and I admire you for what you are doing. I don't have any advice, I only want to say I agree with doing this entirely in secret and then just cutting ties. And once you've gone and done it, don't give him the opportunity to fill your head with his lies and deceptions again. Make sure you make your plan with your lawyer, so that you don't do anything that harms your case in the long-run. And protect your cash.

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Read the threads of peaksandvalleys. She brought a real D-Day on her husband and her OW.

 

 

Sorry that you're with a disgusting pig like him. Telling 2 women how much he loves them... yuck!

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Good advice here already! But let me add what I can to help.

 

1. Get a lawyer. Now. Quietly. They can tell you how to move forward without shooting yourself in the foot as you walk out. Different states have different rules, so while we can give you friendly advice. ONLY your attorney can give you the last word in an exit strategy. (** plus, and this is huge, they can really help you feel better about going, and being ok afterwards. "you'll be OK" from an expert is deeply comforting!)

 

2. Find a girlfriend and family member to support you. You will want to talk, cry, and have a sounding board as you go. Just make them people you trust implicitly. I usually advocate your mom and a lot standing friend you've had since before the marriage.

 

3. Go EASY on prescription sleep aids and alcohol. As it comes out, many people will consider it their job to get you out and thoroughly drunk to blow off steam. As well meaning as this is, it can easily turn into a destructive coping mechanism or recipe for disaster if you find yourself in uncomfortable situations due to inebriated states. Drunk random sex might be the last thing on your mind, and with good reason, but at two a.m. Your girlfriends might convince your drunk self you deserve that hot guy that's so full of compliments who wants to take you home. Bad idea on so so many levels... Best to stay away from situations that spiral out quickly right now.

 

4. Keep cleaning. So much easier to throw stuff out now than pack stuff up, move it out, then decide you want to toss it out when you unpack. This is cleansing too.

 

5. STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM RIGHT NOW. He is having sex with another woman and studies have shown that married man frequently do not use protection when they cheat because they haven't used condoms in years and find the sex inferior if they have to now. Do NOT let him expose you any further to STDs. You only truly walk away with a few things after a marriage. Health needs to be one of those things.

 

I respect your hope and determination. In a few rare cases I think infidelity can be overcome but overwhelmingly I see the effort to be crippling and often useless anyway. Strong women that know themselves well enough to move on immediately are amazing. You will absolutely be in a better place for your fortitude, progress and clear thinking. Good for you!

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Read the threads of peaksandvalleys. She brought a real D-Day on her husband and her OW.

 

 

Sorry that you're with a disgusting pig like him. Telling 2 women how much he loves them... yuck!

 

 

ive tried searching for that username but haven't found the threads is there a link you can post if you don't mind

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. If he can cheat while things are this good, I just don't see what could be done to make him happy enough to not want to stray.

 

I know this is going to make me sound like the A-hole but this reminds me of something that happened with me 20some years ago in my youth.

 

I had been dating a gal steadily for some time and our R was steadily going downhill but neither one of us seemed ready to pull the plug quite yet.

 

I began seeing another woman in the down low (she was also involved with someone else) and she and I were seeing each other more and more.

 

Anyway one day my GF confronted me with her gut feeling (she had no real evidence) and said..and I quote -"I know you are seeing someone else because you are always in a good mood and have been happier than you've been in a long time."

 

I thought about the irony of that statement for awhile then agreed that I was happier and more vibrant and in a better mood than I had been in a long time and I realized the futility of trying to stay with my GF and I complied with the break up and tried to make it as easy and amicable as possible.

 

My point to this story is that in my case (your mileage may vary) I was happy and vibrant and in good spirits because of the affair and not in spite of it. While it did add a certain element of stress trying to keep the two worlds separate, it also relieved some other pressures and the net result was that I was happier and more relaxed and not as stressed when I was with my GF.

 

The catch to that is that it drug out my GF and my R out longer that what it should have been. It should have been allowed to die a natural death months prior so both of us could've moved on. But instead since I was living the happy life on the side, I was able to go through the motions better with my GF and that prolonged the inevitable.

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Quinn

 

You've had some excellent advice already. I was in a very similar position to you over 10 yrs ago when I found out about my xH's affair. I confronted him and he told me to show him the evidence, so I did lol, packed his bags and threw him out.

 

After 2 weeks, I was seeing a solicitor but he came begging back. Contrary to my gut, I decided to "date" him, after all we'd been together for 18 yrs so I owed him; right? Uh no, 6 months later, I'd decided I wanted a divorce and my original thoughts that I couldn't get over what he'd done were forefront of my mind. He then proceeded to block the divorce and threaten and manipulate me in any way he could. I just stuck to my guns, took the advice of my solicitor and I got my divorce in the end.

 

You sound, like me after 6 months. I only wish I'd stuck to my guns in the beginning as I wasted 6 months of my life on a narcissist.

 

My advice, you know what you want. Get your stuff in order and get rid.

 

Many years later, I'm happy with a new partner and our son. And my xH, well he's gone from relationship to relationship and while we still work in the same place tells me now and again that he f***ed up his best relationship and wish he could go back to before it ever happened.

 

Wish you luck :)

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Thankfully, we've had to use condoms for years. I am susceptible to high blood pressure and all hormone therapy seems to cause it to be uncontrolled. About 3 weeks before I found out, I also had an exam with full STD screening (I've always asked for full tests, just because I'd rather be safe than sorry), and came out clean.

 

Never been so happy to not have the "easy option" of birth control, thanking my lucky stars that we had to use condoms.

 

Thanks for the suggestion to read about peaksandvalleys, what an inspiration. Though I don't think my D-Day will be as dramatic, it's been quite an inspiration. I'm in awe that it took her just 3 weeks to get it all together between when she discovered the infidelity to when she blasted him with the divorce papers. It will take a little longer for me :(

 

For whoever was asking for the link, here are the posts:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=22446023

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Also, thanks for the wellwishes and words of encouragement! Only have 1 person to talk to about this at the moment, it feels good to talk here.

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MightyQuinn,

 

You are doing great. I am also in a nofault state so the infidelity does not matter to the courts but it sure does help you make up your mind.

 

In my case, my wife came clean but the initial guilt she had helped with the settlement. I was not trying to cheat her, just go 50/50 but it helped to get it done asap.

 

I had the property settlement completed and notarized within 8 weeks. Listen to your lawyer and move fast.

 

Sorry this has happened but you are doing all the right things.

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tobrieornottobrie

I'm so sorry to hear what you are facing. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you. Have you considered finding a counselor or therapist in the midst of everything that's going on? I think it will be good for you to have a trusted friend as another poster had mentioned but having a professional to talk to about some of this will probably also prove helpful. Best of luck to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

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Holy crap.

 

I just found naked photos and masturbation videos of the OW on WS's hard drive.

 

FROM TWO YEARS AGO!!!!!!

 

I have gone from feeling "Light and Heavy at the same time" https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/504728-feeling-light-heavy-same-time to feeling WHITE HOT ANGER!

 

I'm moving UP my move-OUT time. He is going out of town for 3-4 days right before Christmas to attend to a lifelong dream of seeing his favorite football team on their home field. It is an Xmas present from his mom to him, his brother, and their dad, so no one will be around.

 

He is going to finish his lifelong dream, only to come home and find "the best thing that ever happened to him" has walked out the door forever. I can't believe I was hemming and hawing about leaving so close to the holidays, mostly because I love my MIL and SIL like they were my own family. But that trepidation is gone, now.

 

I've been on the phone with utilities, landlords, credit card companies, getting ready to cancel and transfer everything.

 

I've talked with my family and asked them to keep that weekend open for a "special holiday surprise" - which they don't know yet is helping me move out.

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:sick::sick::sick::sick::sick: By all means, get tested for STDs.

 

Also, how about sending your in-laws a little message to inform them the day you stuff is in your new apartment?

 

Ugh. Right now I'd love to help you move out of there as well!

 

A real shame they checked privacy rights the last few years regarding internet laws... to be honest, if I'd found that stuff, I would upload it somewhere in the internet over WS computer for the whole world to see. #slutshaming

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Oh I have an appointment with the DR. for next Friday already. I just had an exam in October and thought that I'd gotten the full screening (I usually do), but found out I was not. So now I get to see my DR. again...

 

Until then, I'm trying to take comfort in knowing that hormones cause me to have high blood pressure, so our birth control method for YEARS has been condoms. From what I was researching online, I think I will be OK, but I'm getting a full screen on every possible testable thing, just to be safe. Oh man, if I have something... My head will explode.

 

Especially after my SECOND shock of the day (after finding all the OW's pornos on WS's computer)....

 

WS came home and seemed really stressed out. He went straight to the Jim Beam within 5 minutes of being in the door, he is not much of a drinker. He looked kinda freaked out. He said his boss was yelling at him because he wasn't as good at his job today as he usually is. He was slow and scattered and wasn't his usual, productive self.

 

Must have been sweating pretty hard about his affair, because about 4-5 shots of whiskey later (within 20 minutes), he happened to mention that OW had a miscarriage at work (her and her BS are trying to get pregnant). I wonder if my WS was freaked out because the baby could have possibly been his? My WS has wanted kids all his life, but married me knowing that I don't want them. Pretty soon, he'll be free to find whatever woman is fool enough to have his baby.

 

Also found out the OW's BS is the one in their marriage who really wants kids and married OW despite knowing she has a 99% chance of never being able to carry a baby to term. I know some people say not to tell the BS, but I think that's bull, he deserves to know, especially knowing that he's sacrificing a dream to be with this harlot. When I'm out of the house and have more ducks in a row, I'm going to let the BS know in no uncertain terms the infidelities of his wife.

 

Maybe this belongs in the infidelity folder... I dunno, I'm still divorcing his butt, so it still fits!

 

 

 

Again, thanks for everyone's advice and support. Two weeks left under this roof, and I will have more outlets besides here, my bestie, and my lawyer to talk about this. Looking at 1-2 apartments tomorrow that are available immediately. Wish me luck!

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Stressed out from work, sure.

 

I wonder if WS have a gut feeling too. And if they do, and they're the type that will proceed to cry how they didn't want any of this to happen and the usual cheater textbook lines... well, your husband is in for a ride. And not one with his OW I'm afraid.

 

And here I thought getting an apartment because of school was a reason to get one fast. Wishing you luck to get one ASAP. :) And keep your nerves the next 2 weeks. Stay strong, you're as good as away from that bastard.

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Im following your story with great afmiration for your strength and fortitude. Im sorry for the newest revekation today, but, just expect it to only worse and worse.

 

At times I've not been sure what is best. Knowing or not knowing. (AND, I hated hearing, "ehh, yaah gotttt nah evedeeence, ne!" In that phoney geekie Gangster voice, with the Greek accent, he'd try to intimidate me. GD it, made me so pist off back then. I reckon' I'd cackle like a hyhena if I heard that ganster talk now. It sure didn't go over very well with the Judge, that's for sure. When he chimed in with that bif talk, the Judge told him to "shut-up," now that was funny). When these "people" get in front of NORMAL SOCIETY - their nasty, immorrall, disrespectful crap IS NOT tolerated.

 

Point being, you are part of "normal society" now, and your associates (attorney, accounant, bankers, creditors, friends, etc., dont tolerate this crap, and you are in that club now, and he's not admitted, due to misconduct, it is simple math. That is so beatiful to behold. (Some WW's take off with the large family assets, and leave behind bewildered BS with small kids: ask Shocked Susie, just terrible). That is why you picture you are painting is such a wonderful image, for all to learn from you in the future, and apply. Just like Dday.

 

As I read your story, and DDay historical atomic bomb-drop, I believe it is better to know, as you are finding out now - no matter how much it hurts.

 

I never saw the goods, he was clever, I, on the otherhand, impatienct (and, as noted by DDay, I was kind, sincere, trusting, good natured - those are the very qualities that led me to be so easily betrayed, clearly for a decade, maybe two).

 

I still have unanswered questions in my mind, but, I am no longer naive. I wish, though, now, I'd held my horses, like you and DDay.

 

I am much older than you, Im sure. Wasted many more years. But I can tell you, I wish I could be in your shoes and confronted with real, dead accurate evidence like these images you found today. And, as DDay spoke of, her interest of the facial expressions of the liar cheater lying in your face when you have NO DOUBT. That is magnicient, and will move you forward. It is the missing piece that slowed my progress, but kept me from bearing what must be the most intense pain in your heart. I needed badly to see that, but I never did.

 

Years from now, days from now, or even hours from now, maybe you'll be glad about this recent pornagraphic discovery - how disgusting. Makes you really feel like an effing fool he made of you. Stick it to him real good. The Big Backfire. That is what happens when you play with matches.

 

I am in awe. I wasn't half the woman you are, and my eyes saw nothing. You are the epotome of "keeping your act together." Bravo, I salute you. I wish I had what you have. Stay strong. We are all cheering you on! Keep your chin up. Whrn your feeling down, think of those before you, who never knew squat, until they decided to walk. You are big time winner MQ. Yas

 

PS. I never use these emotion smiles, but MQ deserves many: :lmao::laugh:;):love::):confused::o:love::mad::(:p:cool::eek::confused::sick::love::lmao::cool::eek::confused::(:love:

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Thanks so much for the encouragement, Yasuandio, and all the emoticons :) Sorry you weren't able to get closure, I know it has helped me feel much more "definite" in my choices.

 

It's nice to know that people here are reading and are interested in my story. It makes me feel like I have some support. Once this breaks with my friends and family, I know I will have even more support, but right now, what I'm getting here, is very important to me because I feel so alone in this planning stage.

 

And I feel so stupid for being duped. I know it's not my fault, he is the liar and the cheat and the person leading the double life. I just wish I would have listened to my "gut" sooner. But I have clinical anxiety and the meds don't always help. It makes me question everything sometimes, even when I have no reason to suspect it. Red flags kept going off for me with him a long time ago. But then as part of my anxiety coping mechanism to try and determine what is a real "threat," I would go over the evidence, and I just couldn't figure out when he was having the time to carry on an affair because we spent soooo much time together. I would count our condoms. I would check up on him, including his texts and stuff every so often. I never had any real reason to suspect.

 

Then his arrogance got the best of him. He has this "man cave" where his computer and TV are, it's the only room in the house where he can smoke cigarettes. I had to get the Wii out of there one day when he wasn't home. I went in and got it and left.

 

Later that day after he got home, he went to his man cave, and like 2 minutes later he came storming down the stairs and said "You took the Wii out of my room." And I said "Yeah, you saw me playing it when you got home." "Well, you left my Facebook open after you were done snooping." I hadn't looked at his facebook, and I was busy doing something else when he said this, so I snapped back "I didn't look at your Facebook." He said "Oh" and immediately changed the subject, eventually wandered back to his man cave to smoke. Any other time some perceived "invasion" of his privacy would have resulted in at least a few more "Are you sure?" and "No way, I never leave my Facebook open, you had to have opened it" and I'd have to say "No I didn't" a few more times before he'd let it go (He always knows better than everyone else). This time, he let it go so fast, my head almost spun.

 

I didn't think much of it. I literally slept on it. Then the next morning I woke up and he was at work and the very first thought I had was "There's something in his Facebook that I wouldn't like, that's why he was so quick to believe me." (Truly, I still feel like this was a bizarre circumstance - I literally opened my eyes from sleep, and 10 seconds later had this thought, my dreams must have helped me put everything together)

 

And lo and behold, that was exactly the case, the first evidence I found of his philandering was sexy texts with his OW all about how he's the best she's ever had, and she's the prettiest girl in the world in his book, and let's send each other sexy snap chats, and "I love yous" and ""xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxos". (Haha, and at least one mention from him about how he's "sorry" he knows it could be better because he "gets nervous performing for pretty girls" - he couldn't get it up! LOLOL). She also talked about how she was sleeping with another girl and how he wishes he could be there when OW hooks up with yet another woman. Seriously, her poor, poor husband seems oblivious to her promiscuous, homewrecking, white trash ways.

 

I wanted to try to find the snaps as added evidence, but I couldn't figure out how to work the programs on his phone and was nervous I was going to make the camera take and send a photo. I soooo wanted to find more evidence because I wanted to know more about what they were doing and how long they were doing it behind my back. As Yasuandio said, the evidence is reeeeeeeaaaalllly good for closure. I have so much closure, I wish I could move out this weekend, but I need an apartment first. Though it's painful, I wish everyone could have this level of closure, it's made everything so much easier.

 

Crossing fingers that one of these places I'm seeing tomorrow is liveable and has an acceptable lease. The sooner I know I have someplace to go, the better I'll feel.

 

Oh man it feels so good to just spew all of this out :laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

Kinda scaring myself about how calm, cool and collected I can be with the right motivation. And keeping him in the dark? I've never used my minor in theater before, but I've done some of the best acting in my life the last two weeks. Two weeks more and I can loosen the reins on my emotions.

 

I CAN DO IT!!!!

Edited by MightyQuinn
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MQ,

Lett me first apologize for all the darn typos, I have very poor eyesight, and new tri-focals are beyond my budget sice the Final Decree. Never turns out good. If only I coould have shown the Court what he was up to. It was bad news, from what I figured out some time later when I could actually believe it, swallow it - even though I couldn't see it.

 

A wise poster on LS, Ms. Tara Maiden, says there is no such thing as closure. That closure come from within - like vomit. Knowledge, visual evidence, is what it is. Perhaps the "Ultimate Confirmation," that you possess now, that I never had.

 

I have something entirely different. Im not proud of it, but I have,nonetheless. His alienation of me, and abandonment of me, led to my own terrible misdeeds, and choices. These images are some he will never see. Other than my complete honesty in Court, with a simple answer, "Yes," the images can only remain in my mind. Such conduct on my part was completely out of character, and, oh my, those are some kind of images, to be sure. They made up for ten years, and the next ten years into the future. After reading Dobson, I came to know how wrong I was, but it was not conduct done from spite. It was an extreme need for human contact, of any kind. And I mean need. Humans need social contact of some sort - and if it is not guinuine, it is not real, nor fulfilling. You sensed that, ahead of time, as did I. But the difference between you and I is that I didn't want to believe it.

 

Now, your anxiety mirrors same symtons I had at the time. Also, I began to have panic disorder, that led to extreme high blood pressure that put me in the cadiac unit after an ER visit. The Big Clue was his non-interest ingoing to hosital with ambulance. (Phone records show he was on calls with that special someone at the time, I learned years later).

 

After it is said and done, you only have your health, really. My anxiety, BP, etc., became really problematic, after my Dday (where this man abandoned me on vacation in his Country in Greece, on the sea-side, ina small village, took the rental car, left me, without my medication, glasses, nor enough money, just threw my bag ar me, and drove away). I was in complete shock. He said the worst possible hurtful painful words that cut me deeply to my core before he walked. I had no idea how he felt these things - he'd been holding in. I'd just helped him, ovdr a 2 year year period to achidve his dream, to own the franchise he worked for ten years. I milked all our assets to do this. And that was my thanks. I think his plan was to see me come home in a body bag, seriously. That happens to people in foreign counties, especially if they are walking around like effing zoombies without their meds. Geez.

 

It took a month to show an ounce of recovery, with the help of a friend that cared for me, as I mentioned, but actually, I slept for weeks straight, as he sat by my vigil. Once I was feeling better and had received some medical care, I was able to travel a bit, and work on some art projects over there, gardening, making pomegrante jelly, things I enjoyed, without "gangster treatment," and hostility about 24/7. However, the "Shock" I experienced over there did cause my anxiety lllnesses to develop into another "animal," called Bi-polar 2. According to my doctors, shock can create a disterbance and imbalance in your brain chemicals.

 

As a highly educated person with a Ph.D., I certainly did not wish to accept this diagnosis when I got back to the US many months later. However, my out-of-character conduct, some bizarre risk-taking, and poor judgment I would have never exercised in a million years was a "fairly good indicator" that a screw was lose somewhere. Not sex crazed mania things (not angel girl either), but more like walking around with large sums of money (I was able to get from American Express Global Assist emergency funds), along with a butcher knife in my purse, without a care in the world, on the streets of this foreign country, that wasn't smart.. OR, another example, without thought nor tredidation, joining in with a group of Russian girls -- all of us stripped down, and dived, head first off the high cliff in Mykinos, into the sea, in unison. I cannot believe I did that. Im afraid of a diving board!

 

There, exactly, was the sign of bi-polar mania, big time. My friend was getting kinda shocked himself. Husband wanted divorce, demanded so, as I distroyed his family HONOR, or whatever. Why he had to stretch it out four years, at half million dollars cost combined in legal fees, is beyond me. He came out smelling like a rose, and still will not cooperate with Judges Orders to sign certain papers, and tries to cheat money here and there. He is driving 3 Mercedes, that Franchise is a goldmine (and I live without my tri-focals, nice). I did not come out of divorce very well. Of course, Im the only person that told the truth, and nothing but the truth. Geogia is not crazy about adultry. No proof, means no adultry. So, in the end, I am the Bad Cheater. I did it; once dumped, abandoned, I assumed he abandoned the marriage that day as well, but that doesn't make it ok with GOD. As Dobson says, it doesn't matter what the other spouse is guilty of, that doesn't justify your own infidelty, either. My reckless conduct was inexcuable, and wrong. I live the consequences of this fact every day of my life, now.

 

Anyway, one reason I told you my story is because (1) you show medical symptoms similar to some I had early on in this mess, and I know I have to be much much older than you (high blood pressure, and anxiety issues), (2) I wanted to give you an example of how these illnesses can get worse with stress and shock - especially if there is any trace of mania in your family history, my Aunt had manic depression, (3) I recalled from Dday's story that she landed in the hospital with what she thought were cardiac symptoms but were actually panack attack symtoms AFTER she dropped the bomb, (4) therefore, Dday's experience is a warning for you to factor in - that it is not over once bome drops, and most importantly, (5) a real life scenerio experience of anxiety turned out of control, and the warning signs you may always be on the look out for - colorfully described herein.

 

MQ, YOU CAN DO THIS.

 

And, you are going to keep your act together, cause you're learning from those before you. You are a smart cookie. You get that apartment BEFORE the you drop the bomb. That is where the problem occured in Dday plan, she had to look at the MFer afterthefact for too long. There are many documentaries of Crimes of Passion related to this exact story plot, that is a fact.

 

I am ready to contribute part of my food budget towards MQ cheerleaders, as well, NO LIMIT. Where do we send it?

 

MQ is the Queen Bee in my book. My hero. I want her to stay well, my prayers are with you. MQ, I am following your story intensely, with candle lit. I hope I didn't waste your time with my nutty story. But somehow, I thought it was important for you to know about, for some reason. I have to listen to my "psychic" senses. Your story is making me feel so good, honey!!! Just take care of you. Yas

 

Few more: :love::love::love::love:

Edited by Yasuandio
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Thanks again, y'all! Just an update....

 

Oh man, the day I had yesterday trying to get to that apartment. I stopped for lunch and was eating in my car listening to the radio. After I ate, I looked up the craigslist ad for the apartment so I could get the address - THEY DELETED IT! I had no idea where I was going!

 

I decided I should at least drive to the city I knew it was in, they had my number, maybe when I was late they would call me and I could get the address. I go to start my car - my battery died! Talk about panicking, two roadblocks to trying to get the only apartment that fit all my parameters (that it allows dogs and cats, that it's closer to work, within my price range, and most importantly - IMMEDIATELY available).

 

First person to stop was an older guy and he didn't know how to use the jumper cables and I'm pretty sure set them up wrong. Car didn't start.

 

The second person to stop was a woman who did know how to use jumper cables and it started right up. Then she gave me her brand new set of jumper cables! And a hug. Who would have thought that a hug from a stranger would have been so comforting? Dang it, I love Minnesota.

 

Got to the city where the apartment was 20 minutes late. Poked around on Google maps trying to guess which one it is, doesn't help none of the manager offices answered the phone.

 

Finally took a chance on one and it was the right place! Arrived 35 minutes late. But the apartment was perfect for me in so many ways! Filled out an app and gave them a deposit to hold, as long as my background check and credit history are as I expect them to be, I will be getting the keys on 12/19 and by 12/22, I will no longer be living with this a$$.

 

Please keep your fingers crossed for me! I feel like this is my best chance at getting myself out of this relationship.

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