Trying to leave my husband

[BexBounds]

We have been married for 24 years and have two daughters who are now young adults. Our younger daughter still lives with us as she is studying. Our younger daughter studies away from home, but still visits regularly.

 

I have asked my husband for a divorce several times over the last fourteen years. Each time I do, he gets really upset - devastated, in fact - and we go through all kinds of drama as he tries (and succeeds) getting me to change my mind and try again to make our marriage better.

 

The problem is that we just seem to have lost any connection we used to have. I can't say that our marriage has ever been amazing, but I guess I just accepted the good and overlooked the bad.

 

We very seldom do anything alone together - not even simple things like going for a walk. And the thing that I crave the very most - conversation - is almost non-existent.

 

Our routine is the same every day. I get home from work and start cooking supper. Husband comes home and puts on the TV, opens up his laptop and waits for supper to be ready. (He does occasionally help in the kitchen.) We eat supper in front of the TV. After supper I tidy the kitchen, pack lunches for the following day etc. Hubby is back on the laptop, sharing things with me on Facebook! I may go on FB for a while, but usually end up going to bed. Husband comes to be so late that I don't even hear him unless he snores. In the morning, I get up, make breakfast and get ready for work. Hubby is usually still asleep when I leave (he starts later than me), so I say good bye and off I go. Repeat. The only conversation we have is about what was on FB or on TV.

 

The problem is that if I say I'm not happy, we'll make all these plans to change things but we never stick to them. I've arranged for us to see three different psychologists together over the years, and he always says that he loves me and wants the marriage to work, but it never does. And it always seems to be me who is unhappy. Surely he is not happy in this existence? Surely he also wants more out of life?

 

A year ago when I tried to leave, he begged and pleaded and promised that things would be different for two months until I finally agreed to give it one more go. The frustrating thing is that the turning point then was that we spent a whole day alone together just talking, and yet he can't make the effort to talk to me now.

 

We have had sex probably 3 times this year. Other than that, we don't even kiss properly any more - it's just a peck hello and good bye. Even when he hugs me, he often only uses one arm - what's that about?

 

I'm convinced that he doesn't love me like he used to but is terrified of the consequences of admitting it and terrified of change.

 

I'm seeing my psychologist (again!) next week, but in the meantime I just needed to vent, and to ask what other people who have been through something similar think about my situation.

 

I feel so lonely and confused, and I just don't know what to do. The thought of telling him again that I want a divorce is so overwhelming because I know he's going to pull that whole drama thing again and I don't know if I can deal with that.

[PegNosePete]

So, don't tell him. Go to a lawyer and file.

 

You do not require his permission or co-operation or even his signature to get a divorce.

 

You just have to say "no" to him when he begs and pleads... otherwise you'll be in the same situation in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years..........

[LifesontheUp]

I was wondering about when you and your husband got together. What did you like and enjoy about him? Did you do things together then? Have common interests? hobbies?

[scatterd]

Talk to him tell him your bored of your routine. Try going out on dates to the movies anything to reconnect. If you can make it better it would be worth it. Divorce is not always the answer their is someone who loves you dearly. Think about ways to make it better marriage is work. Good Luck and big hugs

[misty12]

I am dealing with a similar situation...husband shocked and devastated each time I tell him I want a divorce. I am realizing that you have to just take a stand, and leave. Sometimes I think that a spouse begging and pleading for the other person to stay with them, when they don't want to be with them, is nothing but selfishness and insecurity. Love is about wanting the person you care about to be happy. Trying to force someone to stay in a relationship that isn't working for them, because you can't bare them to leave, isn't love. If he truly loved me, he would have cared about my feelings during the 14 years we were married, not only when I have one foot out the door.

 

This may not be the case with your husband, but you can't live your life for someone else. Do what you need to do.

[GirlStillStrong]

Leave.

 

He is never going to agree with you. The prospect of being outside his comfort zone is too much. That's normal for human beings. Every time you open it up for conversation, you are saying it is open for negotiation. So, he negotiates and you cave, and everything goes back to normal.

 

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Since he is happy with the status quo, and you open your happiness up for negotiation and he always wins, the thing that needs to change is YOU.

[Mr. Lucky]

Leave.

 

There you go. And somewhat counter-intuitively, you may find your departure is finally the catalyst for him to make the changes you're looking for. He just might wake up and see a world outside the TV or FB.

 

Either you'll eventually have a better relationship with him or a better life without him. Don't let more time go by...

 

Mr. lucky

[GirlStillStrong]

And somewhat counter-intuitively, you may find your departure is finally the catalyst for him to make the changes you're looking for. He just might wake up and see a world outside the TV or FB.

 

Exactly.

 

And to add to this, if you don't leave, you may meet someone else you want to be with and put yourself in a position where you have to cheat to have the relationship you want. And that is opening up a whole new can of worms.

 

I have found that is always best, when a person wants to go, to let them go. Because the fall-out from making them stay is just not good. And the flip side of that seems to be, it is best, when you want to go, to go. It's like tearing off a Band-Aid (or a "plaster" elsewhere). Either way, it is going to hurt like hell, but it's got to be done sooner or later.

[sadcherry]

I have just joined the forum and i'm going throught a simular situation, feels really good to know I am not the only one. I thought my situation was unique .... I dont have any advise to give but wanted to say thank you to all the people who have given advise as I have taken a lot from it.

[BexBounds]

LifesontheUp, we've never had common hobbies or interests. In the beginning, I think I was so in love that I moulded myself to be his perfect wife, so I spent most of our free time involved in his hobbies. Once we had children, and I couldn't be with him for his main hobby, we started to drift apart. There is not one thing that we do that interests both of us.

[BexBounds]

Thanks so much to all of you for your replies. I have tried so hard for so long to make this marriage work, even when there were times that I didn't really feel like I wanted it any longer. We've done counselling, individual sessions with different psychologists, the whole 'date night' thing. I've expressed my needs as clearly as I possibly can. And the crazy thing is, I don't think I'm asking for too much - quality time together, conversation, affection and maybe a little romance. My feeling is that if someone loves you, these things surely come naturally? It shouldn't be an effort to show someone affection, should it?

 

I really appreciate your input. I think that deep down in my heart, I know what I have to do. I just have to build up the courage to do it, and learn how to deal with the guilt.

[LifesontheUp]

Sounds like you are truly at the end of the road. Wish you strength to do what you know in your heart is right for you

[GirlStillStrong]

LifesontheUp, we've never had common hobbies or interests. In the beginning, I think I was so in love that I moulded myself to be his perfect wife, so I spent most of our free time involved in his hobbies. Once we had children, and I couldn't be with him for his main hobby, we started to drift apart. There is not one thing that we do that interests both of us.

 

I mould myself to people, too, so I totally get this. The not having common interests thing in a relationship/marriage is HUGE. I personally sit around and wait for the person I am with to do the things I want to do but now, I've decided I simply cannot do this anymore. I have to create the life I want to live and stop waiting for others to join me. And I know that when I do, I will meet people who DO have the same interests.

[oldshirt]

I agree with the others, you do not need his permission or assistance to divorce. Once you have decided you have had enough and that things can't be permanently resolved, you will get your affairs in order, hire an attorney, prepare and file the paperwork and then pack up and move out all in one swoop.

 

If you want to leave bad enough you will pack your own bags and leave, you won't need him packing and hauling the heavy items for you. You won't need his assistance or cooperation.

[jakrbbt]

I used to want some kind of permission or agreement from my husband before leaving. I wanted it so badly. I just wanted him to agree that that was what we needed. When I realized that was not forthcoming, I simply wanted him to be warned that I was going to have to leave. When even that wasn't going to happen because he stuck his head in the sand, I wanted an amiable divorce or separation. I was annoyed with people on LS who said that an amiable divorce was somewhere between unlikely and impossible. I needed one.

 

But I'm here to tell you that, if you have to leave, then it's ok if the divorce isn't amiable. It's ok if you don't know "how" to leave. Because however clumsily you do it, and however horrible it is at first, it's better than staying. At least, that's how it is if you really have to leave. Ask yourself two questions: Is it remotely likely in your mind that things will get better? And if not, then is leaving (however it's done) better than staying?

 

I'm told it gets better over time, too.

[BexBounds]

Oh my gosh, Jakrbbt, you have just described me exactly! I also thought we could have an amiable divorce! In my crazy naïveté I actually thought we would sit down and discuss the sharing of furniture like civilised human beings, and that we would come to a mutual agreement about finances! But that was last time, when I also wanted my husband to agree that our marriage was beyond hope and that neither of us was to blame. This time around, I'm going to get my ducks in a row and state the facts. I'm busy working out my finances and a place to move to. I think that I will be ready by the beginning of the year to make my move.

[GirlStillStrong]

Way to go, BexBounds, glad you are making progress!

 

I really like how jakrbbt put it though...clumsy. Sometimes just getting through life is clumsy. You take a step, fall down, sit there awhile, maybe brush yourself off a bit, take a look around, and try to get back up again. Sometimes you fall back down before you are able to get back up. Sometimes you run, sometimes you crawl, and sometimes you even scoot on your butt. The name of the game is, keep trying to move forward.

 

How exciting for you!

[BexBounds]

Gosh, GirlStillStrong, I'm not sure I've thought of it as exciting yet!

 

At the moment, my overriding emotion is guilt because I feel awful living in the same home and going through the same routines when I know what I'm planning. It just seems so insincere.

 

But I know that I can't do it any other way, because if I tell him my plans, all hell will break loose. Last time I asked for a divorce, his response was so drastic - drinking (very unusual for him), smoking about 40 cigarettes a day, 'crying' (I'm not convinced how genuine it was), not eating and generally behaving bizarrely. I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with that again.

 

I have a weekly appointment with the same psychologist who tried to help us through the last drama. Through her I get the reassurance that I have tried hard enough for long enough, and that I have no reason to feel guilty, but I am struggling all the same.

 

Still looking for a place for my daughter and I that I can afford. I have been looking on local online property sites, and have applied for a couple, but I'm going to entrust that to the universe for now.

[BexBounds]

I thought I would update those of you who have been kind enough to contribute to the discussion. I have found a very nice little cottage for my daughter and I to move to, and I've paid the deposit! I am terrified out of my wits, but I've done it!

 

My plan is to get through Christmas and New Year, and then tell my husband what I'm doing the following Sunday. I am dreading it so much, and the fact that I know what I'm planning and my husband does not is making me feel so guilty. I am seeing my psychologist again tomorrow, so hopefully she will be able to give me some strategies to help me to feel a bit stronger.

 

My daughters know what is going on, and they both support me, which makes me feel better. I just want this to be over now.

[CALOVELY]

I thought I would update those of you who have been kind enough to contribute to the discussion. I have found a very nice little cottage for my daughter and I to move to, and I've paid the deposit! I am terrified out of my wits, but I've done it!

 

My plan is to get through Christmas and New Year, and then tell my husband what I'm doing the following Sunday. I am dreading it so much, and the fact that I know what I'm planning and my husband does not is making me feel so guilty. I am seeing my psychologist again tomorrow, so hopefully she will be able to give me some strategies to help me to feel a bit stronger.

 

My daughters know what is going on, and they both support me, which makes me feel better. I just want this to be over now.

 

Your husband breaking down when you tell him you are leaving only to make zero changes once things have calmed down is emotional bullying. He does this because it plays on your emotions of guilt and loyalty. He continues to get his way without any effort on his part. Wearing someone down and bullying them to stay in a relationship is not love.

 

Stick to your guns and divorce. I wish you a guilt free New Year and a very happy life free from this emotionally draining barnacle.

[MightyQuinn]

I thought I would update those of you who have been kind enough to contribute to the discussion. I have found a very nice little cottage for my daughter and I to move to, and I've paid the deposit! I am terrified out of my wits, but I've done it!

 

My plan is to get through Christmas and New Year, and then tell my husband what I'm doing the following Sunday. I am dreading it so much, and the fact that I know what I'm planning and my husband does not is making me feel so guilty. I am seeing my psychologist again tomorrow, so hopefully she will be able to give me some strategies to help me to feel a bit stronger.

 

My daughters know what is going on, and they both support me, which makes me feel better. I just want this to be over now.

 

Good for you. I'm in a similar situation, except on top of losing our connection (which we could have worked on) he cheated on me with a coworker. I can't wait until after Christmas or New Year's - can't spend one more night than I absolutely have to sleeping under the same roof as him and I'm sure as heck not starting 2015 with this albatross of a WH around my neck (we don't have kids so its easier). I am signing a lease and getting the keys to an apartment on Friday. On Saturday morning, WH is going on 3 day trip with his family. About an hour after his plane takes off, I will start packing a moving truck. By the time he gets back on Monday, I will be settled into my new place.

 

I feel slightly guilty, but it's more on myself than anything. I don't feel bad hiding this from him because he hid a whole relationship with an OW from me. I feel guilty because I usually meet things head on, I feel like moving out while he is gone is a little bit of a cowards way out. But with his unpredictable temper and typically negative attitude, I don't want to take any chances that he would damage/withhold property or that he might even physically try to stop me from leaving. I'd rather sneak out this way and talk to him after I've left than have to call the sheriff to supervise my move.

 

Anyways, good luck. Stay strong.

[chew123]

MightyQuinn, Bexbounds,

 

Neither one of you should feel guilty at all. From what I read you both gave your husbands clear signals and time to make some changes.

 

I really would have liked the opportunity you gave your husbands. And if sneaking out for safety is necessary then go for it.

 

Bexbounds,

 

your spouse will be hurt and damaged by this, however you gave him chances so don't let it bring you down. He will eventually have to heal himself.

 

I wish both of you well with your new lives, it will be difficult for a while but things will get better.

[limited]

Wow, me three. I'm planning on leaving him after the holidays too, and even though I feel very bad that he will come home from work to find our personal items gone, I have no other choice but to do that. Like the others have mentioned, mine goes super dramatic when I try to leave him. Frankly, I am so sick of that drama that I can't wait to move out and be on my own again. Just thinking about the freedom makes me feel like I'm at the top of a cliff overlooking the beautiful ocean, taking a huge breath of fresh air, and starting out a new life.

[BexBounds]

I have been feeling really low for the past couple of days. I think it's the guilt of knowing what I have planned, and keeping it a secret from my husband. I feel awful that he doesn't know what is coming. Psychologist says that it is also a mourning for what is being lost, because I told her that I am also angry with him that he hasn't kept his promises to try to be more communicative.

 

I'm trying positive self-talk, to remind myself of why I'm doing this, and how much I've tried over the last 10 years, and before that. I keep asking myself if what we have right now is enough for the rest of my life, and the answer is that it's not.

 

I have to accept that what we have now seems to be enough for my husband, and I can't expect him to change that. I also remind myself that every time I tell him that I'm not happy, I'm telling him that he's not enough for me and that must be really hurtful too.

 

Perhaps I'm just trying to make myself feel better, but I can't help thinking that if I leave him, he could meet someone else better suited.

 

Just feeling so sad.

[jackslife]

It is sad, but you will feel an enormous sense of relief when you have done it, and gone through with it.

 

I think you made an important point. Your husband gets everything he wants from the marriage, he is content, so happy with the status quo. That would be fine if you were too. If he is 90% + marriage content and you are only 40% marriage content and he can't or won't do things to resolve the issue then leaving is your only option.

 

It is sad, but do you want to be unhappy the rest of your life? A year from now do you want the worst behind you and a new life, or do you want to be where you are now?