Is my ex alienating me from my little boy?

[Monodare1]

Hi guys, I'm 17 months down the line from initial separation from my stbxw. She and the new guy have moved into a house together and my 4 year old little boy lives with them. I see my little boy every weekend and speak to him 2 times during the week my phone.

 

They have all been living together now for a month and recently my little boy has seemed awkward with me and no longer full of enthusiasm when coming to stay with me.

 

I live with my 90 year old father and don't really have an alternative living option just now.

 

My family that's left are few and far between while my stbxw family are legion, a lot younger and see him quite often.

 

I love my little boy so much and try to keep him entertained when I have him but feel like I'm fighting a losing battle against my ex and her family.

 

I am seeing someone just now but it's early days and she works unsociable hours as she is a nurse so it's difficult to organise something where my boy is with us both.

 

Am I doing something wrong?

 

Some advice from someone in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated.

[jakrbbt]

First: I recognize your worries, and they are painful, like a sore in your heart.

 

But: There is room in a child's heart to love both parents. Loving one more, or even having more fun with one during a certain point it his life, does not equate to loving the other less. Possibly the opposite, I think. Because the happier a child is in one home, the more room in his heart to be content in other places. And nothing, nothing, can ever decrease how important you are to him. Think about it: If you grew up with two parents, think of them. What if something happened with one of them that really helped you to bond, and be happy with them? Would that in any way decrease your love for the other one? No!

 

My family therapist also pointed me to a study that showed that less time with one parent did not cause any inability to bond with that parent.

 

My guess is that some of your worries come from difficult interpersonal dynamics between you and your ex. She wins, you lose. She gets strength or tools, you get hurt because she uses them as weapons. That sort of thing. But this is different: Here, if she "wins" your son's happiness and love, you do not lose any of it. You still have all the love and bonding he has with daddy. It is not dependent on his bond with his mother.

 

Second: Now, if she's alienating his affections, that's different. You're worried because it would be so horrible if it were happening. I don't think there is too much in what you describe to draw that conclusion, but of course , you'll want to look into it. See a family therapist who specialized in kids your son's age. Often, alienation of of affection is detectable. And if that's not what it is, there might be some other reason you son seems uncomfortable, and you can figure it out. You might visit the therapist without your son at first. Good luck.

[BetrayedH]

Younger kids do typically "recover" from divorce more quickly than older kids. I would even say that he'd adapt quickly to a new male/father figure in the household. Sorry, I'm sure that stings.

 

The bright side is this...you will always be the boy's father. Short of you making a full departure, you cannot be replaced. Make your interactions with him count.

 

As your boy ages, he's going to be more perceptive about the true nature of things. The fact that your wife has moved in with another man before she's even divorced tells me that her lack of character is going to manifest itself in plenty of other ways over the course of your child's upbringing. And if he chooses to rebel from her, take a guess who he's going to reach out to.

 

Long story short, I think you've got to look at this as a marathon, not a sprint.

 

I'm in a similar situation as you. I have no family near me. My exwife lives about two blocks from my former inlaws and a block from her brother. And while we have 50/50 custody, her home establishes the "residence" for the children as far as school districting is concerned so they will always attend the schools in her town. I feel like a visitor at her hometown's football games, etc.. They also have a significant amount of money (which makes it an environment just plain ripe for their spirit of self-entitlement) so the children have all of the conveniences of life (iPads, iPhones, cruise vacations); they're even going to Italy next year.

 

My influence will be different. And I'm confident that it will matter just as much. Keep your chin up, bud. Play the long game and realize that that win will probably involve some losses in the short game.

[M30USA]

Betrayed, I'm in the same boat. My kids learn about entitlement and lack of accountability at their mom's side. My ex in laws view teaching accountability to children as not letting them be kids. Turns out, contrary to what they believe about me through their own warped minds, I'm the parent who my kids act kooky and crazy with. Go figure.

 

I'm also starting to realize that my mere 35% of the time with them is still enough the develop a strong bond. The only time my kids seem to favor being with her family is when they're getting bribed with goodies or gifts. They do that. Always trying to buy their affection. I'm not going there. I'll take my children down a different road--at least while they're with me. They will see two distinct roads before them.

[lolablue17]

Try to reverse the situation. Your ex have the routine with your child. You represent the joy and fun. your wife must confront your boy on daily bases, You don't.

 

Try to make your weekends more child worthy.

 

And - It's Ok to have a talk with your ex, asking for her advice (assuming she wants the best for him). She can help you because she knows him well and maybe has some good ideas... + If she unintentionally is alienating you from him, she will get the message and stop it. But if you ask for her advice, you're not accusing her of anything.