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Husband will not speak to me after my rage part 2


Lostinhouston2

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Lostinhouston2

I lost my old account info so I had to create a new username. You can read my story here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/499075-husband-will-not-speak-me-after-my-rage

 

Basically long story short, my husband and I have been separated for about almost 3 months and zero contact at all. We had a really big fight which resulted in my spazzing out destroying his property and him going to jail for a night. He will not take my calls so I stopped two months ago. No divorce filed from either parties.

 

Today I found out from a mutual friend that he has met someone. They talk pretty frequently for about a month now not sure their title but she may be his girlfriend. My friend doesn't believe this woman knows about me or even that he is still married. Should I tell her?

 

Anyway I am absolutely heartbroken. I still love him and want to work things out. I've been patiently waiting and giving him space hoping he would have called by now but now I see that he hasn't because of this new lady. I am afraid to file for a divorce myself because I may later regret it.

 

How do I get him back? Do I even have a chance now that he may have a girlfriend? What should I say to break the no contact with him?

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Personally, If I were you. I would just move on. Let him go. You two were WAY TOO TOXIC for each other.

 

 

It was bad enough that he pushed you out of the house, but when the cops showed up you lied to the police and said that he destroyed the stuff in the house and that he was so out of control that he caught a domestic case. scrapes on you plus the house tore up enough to make it look a murder scene; he went to jail. Because, as you said, it was his word against yours.

 

 

Well, if I was your husband, I wouldn't want to come anywhere near you either for fear of being put back into jail if you ever had an argument again. Not worth it in his eyes. You don't realize that he now has a record. That if he ever needed to get a new job, that domestic is going to pop up on a background check?

 

 

I think it might be time to look towards ending this. I'm very much pro-marriage. But this is too toxic.

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How do I get him back? Do I even have a chance now that he may have a girlfriend? What should I say to break the no contact with him?

 

Oh, no, those are the not the right questions!

 

He should never go back to you and you should make the divorce as simple and easy as possible for him. You could start with a letter or email admitting that you lied to the police and he should not have any mark on his record at all.

 

You should go to the police and admit that you lied, make sure his record is cleared, and take your own punishment. Then get therapy.

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Take responsibility for your own future and your own well being, see an attorney and start working on the divorce yourself. You do not have establish contact with him to do that. When the time comes to have him served the process server will be able to track him down.

 

Upon receiving the papers he is required to respond to the court, not to you.

 

There is no reason that he should have any more contact with you. And there is no reason you should have to live in this limbo. Take matters into your own hands and get'er done.

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Lostinhouston2

Maybe I worded things wrong. He was arrested for pushing me and causing visible marks. He was charged for domestic assault. No lie there he pushed me. but charges will be dropped once he completes program.

 

The lie came when I said he destroyed the couch (keep in mind it was my couch) which I knew he would not be charged for. And he was not charged for that. He went to jail for what he was guilty of.

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I wouldn’t be so sure about that. The use of a weapon, the knife, and destroying property just prior to his pushing you out the door could very well be a reason he now has a DV record.

 

IF you had told the police what YOU had done, armed with a weapon and damaging property, and that you resisted leaving, do you think they would have considered his pushing you out the door to be DV or reasonable?

 

Go ask the police.

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Lostinhouston2

Firstly it was not a weapon it was a pen. A pen is barely a threat and I never went at him or threatened to physically harm him. And to say someone deserves bodily harm because they destroyed their own property is a little absurd. If that were the cause everyone who was mad at a person has a right to hit/push or cause them harm. I took my anger out on an object and he took his out on me and that makes it ok because I lashed out first? So I guess everyone who has ever thrown something or broken something out of anger deserves to be assualted?

 

Even then, these are not my questions here.

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Firstly it was not a weapon it was a pen. A pen is barely a threat and I never went at him or threatened to physically harm him. And to say someone deserves bodily harm because they destroyed their own property is a little absurd. If that were the cause everyone who was mad at a person has a right to hit/push or cause them harm. I took my anger out on an object and he took his out on me and that makes it ok because I lashed out first? So I guess everyone who has ever thrown something or broken something out of anger deserves to be assualted?

 

Even then, these are not my questions here.

 

A pen. Fine. Ripped up furniture and broke things.

 

Hey, don't go to the police and tell them that you lied to them. Let your husband have a conviction on his record and a false police report on file against him. It doesn't matter, right?

 

Your questions:

 

"How do I get him back?"

You don't. You lied to the police about him and refuse to recant.

 

"Do I even have a chance now that he may have a girlfriend?"

I hope not, girlfriend or not.

 

"What should I say to break the no contact with him?"

Don't. Leave him alone. Better yet, go tell the police the truth. But since you don't want to suffer consequences for what you did, just leave him alone.

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Hey, don't go to the police and tell them that you lied to them. Let your husband have a conviction on his record and a false police report on file against him. It doesn't matter, right?...Better yet, go tell the police the truth.

 

I agree the relationship is toxic, but if I understand the previous post, he was actually charged with what he did - push her or whatever the physical force was - and furthermore the charge will disappear when he completes a program. If he wasn't charged for property destruction, there's no purpose to going back and telling the police that.

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Lostinhouston2

Goodness. He was not charged with destroying anything I can't say this enough. There is no record of a couch even being on the police report. There is nothing to confess to because the police officers did not record it. I guess I could go to the police station a say that I deserved to be assualted by him and so his charges should be dropped. I could say hey police officers I got mad and destroyed my couch so please remove it from his record that he caused me physical bodily harm because I made him do it. That sounds so ridiculous thanks for your useless advice.

 

Anyone else who doesn't feel like domestic violence is justified here have a real solution?

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Anyone else who doesn't feel like domestic violence is justified here have a real solution?

 

The problem with this thread is going to be that in your first post you weren't clear. You said

We had a really big fight which resulted in my spazzing out destroying his property and him going to jail for a night.

 

Some people are going to get it stuck in their heads that he went to jail for destroying property, and no matter how much clarification you provide in subsequent posts - doesn't matter what you say - they're going to insist that he went to jail for destroying your property.

 

I'd probably ask the mods to shut down this thread, and re-write it.

Edited by lollipopspot
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Lostinhouston2

Thank you for replying. I didn't think I had to go into detail about that since I posted the first link. I was providing a summary but you are totally right. Thanks

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You can include the link for historical info, but a lot if not most people are probably not going to click on the first link before replying, and so you should say the most important details clearly in your first post.

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Whoever hit who and whoever destroyed property is immaterial now, but if a relationship hits rock bottom and the police are involved to break up a fight, then surely the relationship is toxic.

Your husband has obviously decided to move on and who can blame him?

No-one really wants to be in a relationship where the cops get called to sort out fights.

It was the last straw I guess.

3 months of NC should have told you that it was over.

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Lostinhouston2

I agree that things have been toxic. I have been seeing a therapist and realize the mistakes I made. I feel that I am a better person now.

 

The reason I did not think it was over because he did not file for a divorce so when I offered to pay for it (thinking that maybe he did not have the funds although I did not want a divorce) and he did not take me up on the offer, I though he just needed space.

 

I also have not been dating anyone because I am still married and do not see how he can move on without cutting ties with me first. I gave him a way out and he did not take it. I could totally understand if he had filed for a divorce and was dating but he hasn't.

 

The only reason I want him back is because like I said I have been in therapy and honestly feel like we would work out now and not have a toxic relationship. The problem is how do I approach him with this information?

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most times a judge will strongly advise the charged person to cut all contact. This keeps them from being brought back to court. This man may well be following a wise directive.

 

There is no panacea to undo this past behavior. No matter how well you perceive yourself to have become, your spouse is choosing not to splash in the crazy pool. He doesn't need to. File the divorce and keep improving yourself.

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Lostinhouston2

What if I regret it...what if just maybe he is taking time to cool off... If I file for a divorce I would spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I didnt. I really need to try one last time to reach him just so I would know for myself. I just need to know how to go about doing that.

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What if I regret it...what if just maybe he is taking time to cool off... If I file for a divorce I would spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I didnt. I really need to try one last time to reach him just so I would know for myself. I just need to know how to go about doing that.

 

 

If I may interject, what about credibility? It's obvious that this didn't exist in the marriage or relationship (and that's reading your first post in the other thread you referenced) in the first place in either case. Credibility is about the power of being honest...that starts with being honest with yourself, what you wrote above is not really being credible or being honest with yourself. This feels like it has more to do with his moving on...if you are credible, and honest with yourself, you'd be able to look back at your first post and see all the reasons why you need to just walk away.

 

 

This has nothing to do with your rage, the couch...a pen (ball point or calligraphy) a night in jail or the police......blah blah blah....this has more to do with you realizing what this really was.

 

 

If you were being honest with yourself you would have seen the red flags when you found those emails and put 2+2 together, how you handled it is what you need to work on. Getting him back, waiting for him...no, that is NOT what you need to work on.

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There are two (2) types of divorce: first there is the Legal Divorce, and there is the Emotional Divorce.

 

You appear to be holding off on the "Legal Divorce," in hopes of a potential reconcilation. However, a "Legal Divorce," is simply a filing of papers and can be stopped at any time. Sometimes couples HAVE NOT even completed their "Emotional Divorce," once the "Legal Divorce," has concluded. Sometimes, couples find thier way back to one another during or after a "Legal Divorce."

 

Vascilating back and forth on if it is "too late to turn back the clock," once filing for a "Legal Divorce," is counter-productive snd makes no difference if the couple decides they wants to be back together.

 

READ THAT AGAIN: A "Legal Divorce" Filing nor a "Final Decree" CANNOT keep two people apart that want to be together. Divorce Filings, Divorce Decrees, as well as Marriage Certificates are only PIECES OF PAPER.

 

The information your husband is giving you, I'd that, he, at this point in time, is "Emotionally Divorced" from you. This is a logical conclusion from the series of events that stimulated his departure in the first place. The fact he will not communicate with you, and is seeing another person all suggest that he is moving away from you "emotionally." This is not unlike an "Emotional Divorce," and more to be concerned about than the guessing game you've engaged yourself in.

 

I would just back off. 3 months is not enough time to cure a serious in ground toe nail. Much less the Domestic Violence situation that you, in my opinion seem to try to minimize your role in. Yes, you got the bad end of the "Bic." But dafuq, you can kill someone with one of those things.

 

Picture in your mind what you looked like ripping the sofa with a writing instrument. That is totally uncool conduct, and a dangerously hot head. Go ahead - get mad, but don't start destroying the furnature, and try to say it's ok, cause it was "your couch." That is bloody insane. You should have cooled your heels in jail that night too.

 

"Cops." This is where the idea came for that show - situations like this. Like another poster said, it is not in his best interest to get near you.

 

1 year apart - no contact. Stay to yourself. Get anger management classes. Make this legal matter right on the record for your spouse. Do the right thing - then tell noone. Just do it because it is the right thing to do.

 

Next, STOP wanting, needing, and whining. It will get you no where. Go voluneteer, do whatever you can to make the Universe right. Tell no-one. Get busy bring decent, work off that hostility and defensiveness. I know what I'm talking about, been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

 

If you decide you want to take the outstanding advice you've been recriving, I'm going to give you some great, free reading suggestion. Homer McDonald, check my signature line for details, or the pinned thread in our gorum. ALSO there, IS SOMETHING Called mindfullness, AN Exercise Y o relax your mind. I think tg at might be useful to your temperament at this time.

 

Most importantly, Let go. Check Michelle Weiner Davis terms (Divorce Buster's), some thread:

 

*Do Nothing*

*Act as If*

 

Those are most applicable to you right now. It's easy. Do nothing. How easy is that? I hope this helps you get a grip. Let us know that you read the suggested FREE READINGS, and what you think, and how they might help you grow. Yas

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Maybe I worded things wrong. He was arrested for pushing me and causing visible marks. He was charged for domestic assault. No lie there he pushed me. but charges will be dropped once he completes program.

 

The lie came when I said he destroyed the couch (keep in mind it was my couch) which I knew he would not be charged for. And he was not charged for that. He went to jail for what he was guilty of.

 

 

 

 

Ummm...no. That charge is always going to be there. Once he completes the program, that means that he is in compliance with a court order and no further action is necessary. Corrective measures were taken to satisfy the courts. It does not expunge the Domestic Violence charge. That's with him for life.

 

 

Okay, so you got pushed, he's guilty. He's got a DV charge on him. He's guilty. Therefore, he's a wife beater. He's a monster! You want to go back to someone that beats on his wife? Use his wife as his personal punching bag? So, why the hell would you want to get back with him if you truly believe that he was deserving of those charges?

 

 

It's a no brainer, you run from abuser and never look back! You don't go back for more.

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I agree that things have been toxic. I have been seeing a therapist and realize the mistakes I made. I feel that I am a better person now.

 

The reason I did not think it was over because he did not file for a divorce so when I offered to pay for it (thinking that maybe he did not have the funds although I did not want a divorce) and he did not take me up on the offer, I though he just needed space.

 

I also have not been dating anyone because I am still married and do not see how he can move on without cutting ties with me first. I gave him a way out and he did not take it. I could totally understand if he had filed for a divorce and was dating but he hasn't.

 

The only reason I want him back is because like I said I have been in therapy and honestly feel like we would work out now and not have a toxic relationship. The problem is how do I approach him with this information?

But he is toxic for you. You both bring out the worst in each other! You can do all the therapy you want (which is good because it'll rid of bad habits or dynamics you created while with him and you will be healthier) but he won't change. He hit you, abused you!

 

End it. File for divorce and go on with your life.

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