how do I tell husband of 14 years we need to split?

[misty12]

How do i do this? Our marriage is full of dysfunction - infidelity on both sides, his verbal/emotional abuse, issues from my ADHD etc.. We have no kids and I've realized I am not attracted to, or in love with him any more, but he wants to work things out. I care about him in the same way I care about a family member. Which makes it hard to leave. When he thinks I am going to leave him he gets clingy and panics.

 

What do I say? and how do I say it?

Edited November 23, 2014 by misty12

[carhill]

Sometimes you simply have to act and accept the consequences. Getting a divorce is rarely or never a pleasant process; it can be a lot like a death. If you care for your H like a family member, expect that kind of unpleasantness.

 

Just be direct and tough it out. Things get better eventually and, trust me, he'll survive. Even the weakest of men do. The human organism has a strong will to survive.

 

File, move out, have him served and suggest mediation as a first step. Don't sweat the little stuff. The main thing is survival. Few take this advice but I'll offer it anyway- Spend some time alone, without male attention. It sounds like your M had a fair amount of disfunction so processing all that to a neutral state and learning from it takes time; alone time. OK, good luck.

[misty12]

Sometimes you simply have to act and accept the consequences. Getting a divorce is rarely or never a pleasant process; it can be a lot like a death. If you care for your H like a family member, expect that kind of unpleasantness.

 

Just be direct and tough it out. Things get better eventually and, trust me, he'll survive. Even the weakest of men do. The human organism has a strong will to survive.

 

File, move out, have him served and suggest mediation as a first step. Don't sweat the little stuff. The main thing is survival. Few take this advice but I'll offer it anyway- Spend some time alone, without male attention. It sounds like your M had a fair amount of disfunction so processing all that to a neutral state and learning from it takes time; alone time. OK, good luck.

 

Thanks. How do I file before seeing a mediator?

[BetrayedH]

Filing for divorce in some states is a fairly straight forward process that you can do with or without an attorney (sorry, assuming you're from the States).

 

After you have filed, a mediator can assist you and your husband with an agreement on the division of assets and debts. Some mediators are very cheap. Some are expensive. As with most things, you get what you pay for.

 

My exwife and I each had our own attorneys and then each paid half for a third attorney to act as a mediator. 10 hours later and we had an agreement. 10 days later and we'd officially divorced.

 

My current GF and her ex used a very cheap mediator for their divorce and basically wasted a lot of time and effort on a process that resulted in nothing. Their attorneys ended up fighting it out for two years by email.

[bathtub-row]

I'm not sure a mediator is necessary. I guess that's your call. Just leave this guy. Abusers don't deserve any considerations. He only acts regretful when you threaten to leave. He will do this until you end this for good. He is dysfunctional and broken. Caring about him doesn't mean you have to subject your life to this hell. Secretly find a new place to live and when it gets close to moving day, let him know that the marriage is over. He will act surprised but, inside, he knows who he is and is actually surprised that you haven't left him already. Before you leave, be sure to have everything you value already out of the house. Leave, file for divorce, end of story.

Edited November 24, 2014 by bathtub-row

[GirlStillStrong]

I agree, making a quick exit is the best way. There is no easy way to have the conversation but haven't you already TRIED to tell him and he has not wanted to accept what you had to say? Then you just fall right back into it? Just go and be done with it.

[nofeelings22]

Not going into the details, but divorce paperwork is the easiest thing in the world if both parties agree on the specifics.

 

We just sat down, wrote up a cocktail napkin style agreement, bounced around town to getba couple things notarized and done.

 

Took all of a day without kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

Which makes it hard to leave. When he thinks I am going to leave him he gets clingy and panics.

 

What do I say? and how do I say it?

 

Sounds like it's more a case of fear of being alone than a desire to stay married to you.

 

You may have to be the adult and make the move...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Thanks. How do I file before seeing a mediator?

Our court had the whole process available on their web site, as well as at the courthouse, including referrals to low-cost mediation. A mediator simply helps the parties settle their affairs. This can work whether the divorce is a contested action or uncontested action.

 

In our court, the initial filing is filed with the court and that filing is served upon the spouse/respondent and they have 30 days to file a response with the court, for a contested action, and then a six month 'cooling off' clock runs from the date of response, or if no response is received and a motion for default is entered. That's when the mediation, and its results, can play out, settling the issues of custody and property in a amicable fashion which results in what our jurisdiction calls a 'marital settlement agreement' (MSA) which the mediator files with the court.

 

After the cooling off period runs and associated documents are filed with the court, either a hearing takes place or the court 'rubber stamps' the MSA, depending on outcome/compliance with statute, and the court dissolves the marriage. In our case, we filed the MSA through the court's self-help system, whose clerks expedited the process and did it correctly, and we had our dissolution the following day, without hearing, as we requested 'judgment by mail'.

 

Sure, we could have gone to mediation before filing, and some people do that but their work is potentially irrelevant until after filing and assets/debts/custody issues are made static by the filing. In other words, things can change between mediation and filing and then the mediator has to do things over, reflecting updated information. If done after, once the agreement is entered into, the nuts and bolts are static so less work and expense is encountered. The difference may be minuscule in some instances but in ours, with a lot of assets and two businesses always in flux, it was a concern. YMMV on that.

 

I simplified the process a bit for brevity but it's all contained on our court's web site or if one actually talks to the self-help desk or clerk of the court. Information on the process is likely out there for your court too; you simply need to find it.

 

IMO, once you break the process down into steps, and understand it, knowledge becomes power and fear is lessened and things proceed. Sure, it's still unpleasant but that's how life goes. Things will get better.

[misty12]

I agree, making a quick exit is the best way. There is no easy way to have the conversation but haven't you already TRIED to tell him and he has not wanted to accept what you had to say? Then you just fall right back into it? Just go and be done with it.

 

Yes this is pretty much the situation. He keeps begging for sex too and it's making me sick to my stomach. I explain why I don't see my feelings coming back for him and he starts feeling me up and begs some more.

 

I need to just go.

[oldshirt]

 

What do I say? and how do I say it?

 

Divorce is a legal action, it's not words.

 

If he doesn't want to divorce there is nothing that you can 'say' that will make a light go off over his head and he will suddenly get to work on all the paperwork and have him do all the work for you.

 

If you want to end the marriage/relationship you are going to have to just do it. It is an action and not a word or phrase.

 

You end the marriage by consulting an attorney, drawing up a divorce plan, filing with the court, having him served etc etc etc etc etc.

 

There is no password or secret handshake.

[misty12]

I don't know what to do about thanksgiving. My sister in law called to see if we are coming over mother-in-laws, as we always do. Do I just go and pretend all is ok and take care of matters later, or do we break the news that things aren't going well between us and ruin the holiday for his entire family? (mother in law crying the whole day and at the thanksgiving table, I can see it already)

[misty12]

Divorce is a legal action, it's not words.

 

If he doesn't want to divorce there is nothing that you can 'say' that will make a light go off over his head and he will suddenly get to work on all the paperwork and have him do all the work for you.

 

If you want to end the marriage/relationship you are going to have to just do it. It is an action and not a word or phrase.

 

You end the marriage by consulting an attorney, drawing up a divorce plan, filing with the court, having him served etc etc etc etc etc.

 

There is no password or secret handshake.

 

 

You're right, I have to just do it. Husband keeps trying to convince me to stay, and every point I make about how it is best for us to split, he keeps arguing. He says I won't be happy if I leave, I think that the grass is greener, all relationships go stale after a while, why do I want to give up my best friend, I am going through a phase, i am going through a mid life crisis, whatever I need to him to do he will do, he will change as required etc...

 

It's creating a cycle that never ends.