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How does one move forward after a divorce ?


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Hi, I was married to my ex husband for 25 years. He was I thought the love my life. Before divorcing the last 2 years were so painful. I had to end to because he almost hurt me physically in from of our 2 teenage children. He never before hit me and would have that nite. I could not have my kids witness that or something worse again. I filed and he left. He was angry and fought me throughout the divorce. I wanted just want I was entitled to but he tried to stop even that. He told the kids years ago he no longer loved me prior to me filing. The divorce was finialized in court a year ago. Now the present. He claims he lied when he told all he never loved me. He just did that to give me an "out" because he found out he had MS. He is still angry I left him. But, wants to have me in his life but does not know in what capacity. He has offered " friends with benefits". I am insulted yet, so lonely I am tempted. I have always had a ton of common sense an this all have thrown me for a loop. I am not the strong woman I once was. A am weak, and lonely. Never have put myself first. I have gone back to school , and I am doing weil. But, I am still lost so to speak. And idea how to move out of this rut ? Anyone ? Thanks for reading.....

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GirlStillStrong

I've not been married but have found myself in that kind of position many times before. If you continue to believe you are weak and lost, you will continue to be weak and lost. I've found it best in those kinds of situations to remove all toxic people from your life and start taking risks. I've done this in the past by getting real clear on what I'm afraid of, or what scares me, and then going and doing that very same thing. At 29, it was fear of being alone (esp in public). So, I started to go to restaurants, movies, shopping, etc, ALONE. Eventually, I learned there were benefits to doing these things alone. Now, I love living alone and especially love travelling alone. In my later 30s, it was fear of enclosed places, fear of being trapped, and claustrophobia (which I believe was caused by 9/11, because I'd never had those fears before). So, I started putting myself in those kinds of places. Not sure I have conquered those particular fears but facing them sure made me feel stronger, and reminds me I am capable of anything. Challenge yourself; face YOUR fears.

 

Another good way to deal with what you are going through is to find people who you identify with and spend time with them. Maybe it's people who have the same hobbies or people who enjoy the same kinds of outings. Look for MeetUp or other social activity networking in your area. Spend time with those people but especially young people. It is amazing what they will remind you about yourself that you forgot long ago.

 

You were not placed on this Earth to just be this man's wife. Your marriage to him does not define your worth. Who were you, and what did you love, before you ever even met him?

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I never thought of doing this . It makes total sense though, to face ones fears. To control the fear and not have it get the best of me. I have thought about removing the toxic people in my life - ie my ex husband and my oldest son ( he is twenty). I had is idea at once the divorce was over we could all be civil and once and a while sit down as a family at a restaurant . Clearly that is not going to happen. I thinkpartof me is holding on too because I am fearful I cannot stand on my own two feet. Fear of "what if something happens". I was never this type of woman before the divorce. I want to be strong and confident. You, are correct I believe that the only way outfox us rut is to conquer the fear of being along, and shall I say, to start living again. I will try it. Thank you very much for responding. I really needed help.

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But, wants to have me in his life but does not know in what capacity. He has offered " friends with benefits". I am insulted yet, so lonely I am tempted.

 

Step one in moving ahead is saying no to this arrangement. Most "friends" don't lie to you, threaten you physically and fight to deprive of the things you've earned and deserve.

 

Keep your options open and, in time, good things will happen...

 

Mr. Lucky

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So very true. No communication is the key I think now to moving forward. Our children are 20 and 17. The oldest is on his own with the youngest with me. I thought time would heal the wounds but it has not. I need to move forward by getting away mentally from the past and physically by not answering emails and texts. I returned to school and am doing ok. At first it was a haven from the outside world, now it is stressful cause i am not as quick as the young ones. I am very guarded, thus do not come off as a happy woman which I am not. It is like a part of me has died andi do not think she is ever coming back.

I hues I just keep going forward and take it one day at a time. Get rid of the dead weight so to speak and perhaps a little sunshine will come in? Thank you to all who have responded. It has helped.:)

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evanescentworld

Lostgirl50, have you had counselling or therapy?

 

If not, I would suggest you find a therapist or counsellor - or even a support group where you can go to have discussions with people like yourself. Also, a good form of exercise is Yoga, because it supports both Mind AND body in unifying and rebuilding flexibility, suppleness and strength - both of the Mind and the body.

You need to devote the present time to yourself, and dedicate some real effort to being who you are, not a part of something that is now over.

 

You are your number 1 priority now. Treat yourself as the most precious commodity you have. Because you are - and it pays to take care of pure gold....

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Hi, I have had some counseling- the most recent was a week ago and it ended because he retired. I was on antidepressants but I did not like them at all. I have thrown myself into school full time. It was the counsleor's belief i ws working too hard at school. I think he is correct. I confess I have not taken care of myself- stopped wearing makeup and basically wished to be invisible. Last week I wore makeup and received a lot of compliments on my appearance ! I was surprised by this. I was stunned and simply said thank you. Exercise is something I used to do when married but stopped cause I just could not get out of bed for a long while. With school, the first 2 terms I was so busy there ws no time. This term that is just starting does allow for more freedom. Perhaps exercise would help me to feel stronger physically and mentally ? I have to be honest , I have always put everyone before myself. Everyone. It is difficult to start to do. It almost feels selfish. But, I have to. If not for me, for my children and parents. They love me and I do not want them to hurt.

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GirlStillStrong

I completely agree about the yoga. It will help you with the depression. Walking is good too, along with getting out in nature regularly, if not daily.

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I have to be honest , I have always put everyone before myself. Everyone. It is difficult to start to do. It almost feels selfish. But, I have to. If not for me, for my children and parents. They love me and I do not want them to hurt.

 

Your kids are 17 and 20, pretty much launched into the world. And were they asked, I'd guess their first choice would be for Mom to be healthy and happy.

 

Time to take care of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I used to love to walk in nature. It was our thing as a couple and then a family. I have to admire I have not done it in almost 2 years - since the separation and divorce. We have a local park nearby with hiking trails. But,it hurts just to drive by. My children divided on the split. My ex bribed my oldest to move out a month after I filed - offered him an apartment near his university. My son took it and then got into drugs. He became an addict , dropped out, and is now living off his girlfriend. He sides with his dad - I believe because his father gives him money. This past summer my son went manic. I could not see him in the hospital for 2 weeks because I was not listed as next of kin. My ex was in control of information. My son survived , we became close for a month and now he is back to using drugs. He claims it is all my fault he is using. I ruined his life and his fathers.

The final part of this story came 2 weeks ago. My father , my best friend , who saved me from being destroyed by my ex, found out he has cancer of the prostrate. He is 71. I am feeling like I have been punched in the gut and the wind knocked out of me. I don't know how much more I can deal with. My dad assures me he is going to be ok - they found the cancer through routine check ups and believe it has been caught early. I cannot believe all that is happening in my life . It is a rollercoaster of a ride and I want it to stop . I have to go forward. Have to.

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Hi, I was married to my ex husband for 25 years. He was I thought the love my life. Before divorcing the last 2 years were so painful. I had to end to because he almost hurt me physically in from of our 2 teenage children. He never before hit me and would have that nite. I could not have my kids witness that or something worse again. I filed and he left. He was angry and fought me throughout the divorce. I wanted just want I was entitled to but he tried to stop even that. He told the kids years ago he no longer loved me prior to me filing. The divorce was finialized in court a year ago. Now the present. He claims he lied when he told all he never loved me. He just did that to give me an "out" because he found out he had MS. He is still angry I left him. But, wants to have me in his life but does not know in what capacity. He has offered " friends with benefits". I am insulted yet, so lonely I am tempted. I have always had a ton of common sense an this all have thrown me for a loop. I am not the strong woman I once was. A am weak, and lonely. Never have put myself first. I have gone back to school , and I am doing weil. But, I am still lost so to speak. And idea how to move out of this rut ? Anyone ? Thanks for reading.....

 

 

Please do not do the friends with benefits thing, you are worth so much more than that, keep you dignity and self respect an do not succumb to such a thing, I repeat you are worth so much more than to be treated like an object or a piece of meat.

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You are 100 percent correct! I have thought quite a bit the last few days. My gut tells me it is really over. He is not the man I married and "friends with benefits" is not good enough for me. I have stopped all communication with him. Even though it has only been a few days I feel so much better. Stronger. And more like the "old me" who has happier, not fearful of stating my opinion. That person I once was is still inside me - she is not dead. My fear is that I will NEVER experience love again. That is sad. Even though I have been to hell and back, I do want to love someone again and to be loved . I just don't know if that is possible. A lot of "war wounds" .

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Justanaverageguy

You will find love again and happiness as long as you are open to it. It may not be the same love as the one you had before .... people change, we are shaped by our experiences but it is not better or worse. Just different. As F Scott Fitzgerald would say - There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.

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Oh thank you for saying that! It makes total sense - it will not be the same kind of love and I do not want it to be. I am not the same person- I am better I think from what I gone through. I would never treat anyone like I have been treated. Btw, Fitzgerald is a favorite of mine ! :) Thank you !

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GirlStillStrong

Find another park. Make a plan. Make it a plan to go into nature for half an hour. That's it. That's all you need to commit to. And then just go. You will thank yourself once done and you won't believe how much better you will feel for it.

 

Your dad is going to be alright. All men will get prostate cancer if they live long enough. And prostate cancer is a very treatable disease. Prognosis is good.

 

Believe me, I know about the drug addict thing. It will help you to go to Al-Anon. Google Al-Anon with the name of your city or town and find a meeting close to you and then just go. You will find fellowship and support there like none that exists on the planet. It will put so much in perspective for you and put you on a good path.

 

Best to leave the 20 year old to his own devices. I know this is sad and difficult but it is necessary in order for him to even begin to recover.

 

Take care.

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2.50 a gallon

In the days following the break up of my marriage, I found that my mind was obsessed with her, and what I had lost. I had to find activities that that I could concentrate on to keep my mind from wandering. The idea was to turn those magical seconds into minutes, hours and later days. I got back into my hobbies, then I tried some that I had always wanted to try. I failed at raising orchids, but succeeded in breeding hard to raise and breed rare tropical fish, and in so doing found some new friends. As a long time bachelor, I was a more than decent cook, but decided to expand my wings and taught myself how to cook some gourmet dishes. They took longer to prepare, less time to obsess, plus I ended up with a great meal, and later when I got back into the dating scene, a chick magnet. Better still, a few years down the road, at age 50 I met and fell in love with a gal, totally out of my league, we have been happily together for over 19 years, and guess who does almost all of the cooking.

 

 

Think, what is it you have always wanted to try, but did not have the time to explore, due to time constraints, of marriage and raising a family? You are now free, and can chose to try anything you heart desires, such as sky diving, scuba diving, nature photography, raising butterflies, etc.

 

 

I should also add, that I accidently found that I loved historical research, for the past 30 years it has been the passion of my life. Towards that end, what do you know about your ancestors? Why not it work on a family tree you can turn over to your children some day in the future? Just a thought

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Great advice ! I have decided to leave the 20 year old to make his own decisions. And yes, it was very hard and painful. I did all I could to help him, but a the end of the day he is control of what he does. I had not thought of going to AA. For the time being, I am stepping back to breathe a little and concentrate on me. These last three days I have noticed an improvement in myself and I need that to continue. Thank you so much for replying to my messages ... the world does have good people in it ! :)

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GirlStillStrong

Actually, AA is for people w alcoholism and Al-Anon is for friends and family of people with alcoholism. Same principles (of Al-Anon) apply for people with drug addiction. Sounds like you're alright with it all but just want to clarify, Al-Anon IS something you do for yourself.

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