Ex-wife's odd text/email re: child's school event

[M30USA]

I have made every school event for my children so far. This is the first time I haven't been able to (due to work). It's actually a minor event, just a luncheon. It's been clear to my ex that I'm not going--since I usually inform my kids the day before when I'll be seeing them.

 

So I get a text and email from ex saying that she will be there with both my children and that I am "welcome to sit with us" (presumably including her). This immediately struck me as odd because we are no contact and we both have our reasons for not even going physically near each other. Look at my post history for reasons why. Point is, she has never once said anything like this since divorce.

 

Here are the important details:

 

She sent email just one hour before event started. I have a two hour drive there. She knows this. So my take is that she's doing what she always does: pretending to be cooperative only when she knows I'm unable--so as to give the appearance to the court that she's a good coparent but, in practicality, is not offering anything real. She has done many things like that before.

 

Any views on this?

Edited November 21, 2014 by M30USA

[whichwayisup]

Reply back and say thank you for the invite again but I did tell you that I couldn't make it due to my work schedule, the kids knew I wasn't able to attend this luncheon.

 

I think she's doing it for the same reason you think she is. So she can look good, making a polite effort.

[M30USA]

The only problem is I didn't explicitly state in writing that I wasn't going. But she knew. I simply wrote back a thank you but stated I wished I had known earlier (rather than 1 hour prior).

[BlueIris]

The only problem is I didn't explicitly state in writing that I wasn't going. But she knew. I simply wrote back a thank you but stated I wished I had known earlier (rather than 1 hour prior).

 

Then next time, notify her rather than telling the kids and assuming that they will tell her.

 

Also, you're lying by saying you didn't know earlier. You did know.

 

Don't play games with your kids' mother.

[M30USA]

Then next time, notify her rather than telling the kids and assuming that they will tell her.

 

Also, you're lying by saying you didn't know earlier. You did know.

 

Don't play games with your kids' mother.

 

?

 

I said I didn't know earlier that she would allow me to sit with them. She notified me an hour prior when it requires a 2 hour drive there. Normally her family boxes me out and literally she once said she'd call cops if I so much as hug my child on "her time".

Edited November 21, 2014 by M30USA

[BlueIris]

?

 

I said I didn't know earlier that she would allow me to sit with them. She notified me an hour prior when it requires a 2 hour drive there. Normally her family boxes me out and literally she once said she'd call cops if I so much as hug my child on "her time".

 

You didn't say that that was what you hadn't known. So, if you had known you could sit with her, you would have gone? You say that you're NC. That makes no sense to me. I assumed you chose to go to school events solely because of your kids.

Edited November 21, 2014 by BlueIris

[Mr. Lucky]

Any views on this?

 

You're wasting your time even trying to figure out her motives.

 

Live your life, continue to be the best Dad you can be and be at peace with your decisions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

Shrug it off. Whatever her brain is working on, it can't touch you.

[M30USA]

Shrug it off. Whatever her brain is working on, it can't touch you.

 

A true stoic. Love it.

[toolforgrowth]

Boy I can relate. Last week my xWW sent me a text saying she hasn't set up a time for our daughter's parent teacher conference and asked me if I wanted to go with her. This is the first time in the almost three years we've been split that she's proactively invited me somewhere with her.

 

Do I want to go to my daughter's parent teacher conference? Yes.

 

Do I want to go with my xWW? No.

 

I called the school and spoke to my daughter's teacher and asked if she wouldn't mind doing separate conferences. She said she didn't mind, so I set up my time. Then I texted my xWW back and said "Thank you for the offer, but I prefer to go myself, so I've scheduled my own conference time." She said she doubts the teacher will do them separately. I replied "I spoke with her on the phone about it today and she was fine with two conferences. You are still able to schedule your own time."

 

Her reply? "OK. I know you'd prefer to never have to see me again but I doubt all teachers will be so accommodating in the future. You may have to get pasy your aversion to me for Daughter's sake at some point. I don't want to fight with you, I just think it's a little silly to hate me so much that we can't be in the same room for 20 minutes.. ?" I chose not to reply to that.

 

This woman never once asked her other ex husband (before me) to go with her to their daughter's conferences, or ANYTHING for that matter. They always did everything separately.

 

Not trying to thread jack... just wanted to share that you're not alone. We can speculate until we're blue in the face and it just don't do any good. My guess is they want to see if they haveany power over us. Show them that they don't.

[M30USA]

I talked to my son on phone just now. He seemed a little upset about something. He also said he "saved a seat" for me at his table--which is clearly a canned statement from his mom because she would NEVER say such a thing if I were actually there, nor would allow him to entertain that idea (she's always pulling them FROM me). He was set up and his hopes were raised INTENTIONALLY by his mom with her full awareness that I wouldn't be there.

[No Limit]

Well, what a b!tch. Hate it when selfishness gets to the point where people who "love" their kids wouldn't mind throwing them into a vulcano to advance their own interests.

 

On the other hand, if she has the time to plot crap like that, her life must be pretty boring so "Oh no, my ex mustn't win our divorce!"-part of her mind gets activated. Pathetic.

 

Tell her to find another guy to distract her rather than go brainwash her own son. And if she's gotten infamous in her area, maybe she should expand her reach?

Edited November 22, 2014 by No Limit

[Radu]

She does not plot as far as i suspect.

Which is why trying to find rational reasons is a waste of time.

 

I remember your threads M30 and if i recall correctly, she was capable of being a high-functioning BPD ?

If that is the case, that's it ... high functioning BPD's are aware of how they look and they never want the true horrible person underneath to be seen.

 

To her, your child's mind and the mind of others is a battlefield.

I hope you did reply M30, but with something else ... something that corrupts her future attempt at using this situation in the family court in the future.

And you better document [through an online journal, with timestamps and all that] your involvement in your kid's lives.

 

What she is trying to do to your kids is called parental alienation.

[BetrayedH]

I have made every school event for my children so far. This is the first time I haven't been able to (due to work). It's actually a minor event, just a luncheon. It's been clear to my ex that I'm not going--since I usually inform my kids the day before when I'll be seeing them.

 

So I get a text and email from ex saying that she will be there with both my children and that I am "welcome to sit with us" (presumably including her). This immediately struck me as odd because we are no contact and we both have our reasons for not even going physically near each other. Look at my post history for reasons why. Point is, she has never once said anything like this since divorce.

 

Here are the important details:

 

She sent email just one hour before event started. I have a two hour drive there. She knows this. So my take is that she's doing what she always does: pretending to be cooperative only when she knows I'm unable--so as to give the appearance to the court that she's a good coparent but, in practicality, is not offering anything real. She has done many things like that before.

 

Any views on this?

 

Pretty much par for the course in my universe. Every communication is carefully crafted. Doesn't get to me much anymore. If you have any concerns that custody may again become a subject for court, keep documenting each instance like this. Otherwise, let it go.

[whichwayisup]

I talked to my son on phone just now. He seemed a little upset about something. He also said he "saved a seat" for me at his table--which is clearly a canned statement from his mom because she would NEVER say such a thing if I were actually there, nor would allow him to entertain that idea (she's always pulling them FROM me). He was set up and his hopes were raised INTENTIONALLY by his mom with her full awareness that I wouldn't be there.

 

That's really sad that she's done this to him on purpose to try to make you look bad. What a piece of work she is!

[BlueIris]

She does not plot as far as i suspect.

Which is why trying to find rational reasons is a waste of time.

 

I remember your threads M30 and if i recall correctly, she was capable of being a high-functioning BPD ?

If that is the case, that's it ... high functioning BPD's are aware of how they look and they never want the true horrible person underneath to be seen.

 

To her, your child's mind and the mind of others is a battlefield.

I hope you did reply M30, but with something else ... something that corrupts her future attempt at using this situation in the family court in the future.

And you better document [through an online journal, with timestamps and all that] your involvement in your kid's lives.

 

What she is trying to do to your kids is called parental alienation.

 

Yikes, I had no idea that she’d been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder! OP, I hope that you’re in court on a pending custody and parenting time petition. How did she get a move-away order and primary custodial status (I’m assuming that from your saying that you live 2 hours apart)? Was it by consent?

 

It’s extremely difficult to maintain shared custody and parenting time with that distance, so if you can show change of circumstances (which it sounds like you can- or already have- in the effect on your kids), it sounds as though you have excellent grounds for 50/50, or primary if one of you can’t or won’t move to the other.

 

Make sure to get a solid custody evaluator doing the psych testing because BPD shows up in MMPI testing. Also, you can request the raw data from any testing that forms the basis for an evaluator’s recommendations, so you can get someone with expertise in MMPI interpretation to also analyze the data if the recommendation ignores her mental health problems. BPD and all Cluster B disorders are very serious matters and the courts usually take them very seriously. Good luck!

 

Also, William Eddy's website on High Conflict divorce and High Conflict personalities is really helpful for dealing with a Cluster B co-parent.

[jakrbbt]

My concern is that she may have crafted hurt feelings in your son. He doesn't deserve that.

 

If nothing else, get yourself and your children into a family therapist, as soon as possible. You'll feel better, and I am confident you'll get some tools to combat whatever harm these shenanigans might be causing your son. That's job number one.

 

Will you be taking your case back to court for custody? If not, then you have to use your resources in family therapy and in your own parenting, rather than too much worrying and documentation. But if you'll be going back to court, then keep a careful journal. And the family therapist could help with that too.