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How to pick up the pieces...feel so low :-(


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I feel so angry, hurt and sick to the stomach.

My exH and my mother-in-law have been so cold after 20 years the pain just cuts like a knife. How and why does it all have to turn so horrible.

 

Also finally got the truth that my ExH is now seeing someone else. I am struggling to cope.

 

One of the main reasons my H began to resent me is because he felt he came second on the list to my parents, my parents are in their 70s my father has Parkinsons and they cannot drive anymore. I actually didn't see them as much as I wanted, down to 2 hours a week in the last year or so as I tried to listen to my Hs concerns.

 

I am left gobsmacked and feel punished for trying to love and care for the 3 people who mattered most in my life my parents and my H.

 

Even my exMIL is now saying Mothers Day was always about my mum and not her? That hurts too because I never intentionally set out to make anyone feel unwanted or unloved.

 

If I ever try and talk about it now my exH just says "you just can't see it can you?" :-( I hate that he cannot understand it. Am I wrong for thinking if the situation wasn't so sad it would be funny? How can a grown man be jealous of my parents. My H is right, I just can't see it, I really can't!!

 

I feel hurt, alone, numb and so sad. This is the lowest point in my life and I am struggling to pull myself out of this place.

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I am left gobsmacked and feel punished for trying to love and care for the 3 people who mattered most in my life my parents and my H.

 

 

Ha noticed the comment above as read through my post again, I listed my parents first is that I sign I did put them first in my marriage too???!!

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You and I are in near as damn it in the same cirumstances and it feels ruddy awful for both of us, if you were close to me in the uk we could both talk and drown our sorrows together its 20 years today since I met my wife and I also feel crap, we don't deserve this b-s where in the uk are you ? I would like to buy you a pint of sympathy

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Even my exMIL is now saying Mothers Day was always about my mum and not her? That hurts too because I never intentionally set out to make anyone feel unwanted or unloved.

 

If I ever try and talk about it now my exH just says "you just can't see it can you?" :-( I hate that he cannot understand it. Am I wrong for thinking if the situation wasn't so sad it would be funny? How can a grown man be jealous of my parents. My H is right, I just can't see it, I really can't!!

 

This bit of revisionist history is just an exit strategy. If he - and your MIL - make you the bad guy, then leaving you makes sense. Probably doesn't make you feel better to know this is common in these types of situations.

 

And what you're feeling is the other side of the coin. Because he's leaving, you're romanticizing his faults, flaws and callous actions to support your desire for him to stay.

 

The only person who's actions, thoughts and future you're in control of is you. Stop discussing it with him. Stop worrying about his lack of empathy. And for heaven's sake, kick MIL to the curb!

 

Focus on the 3 F's - friends, family and future. Hope things get better for you ;) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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They are just pushing blame onto you so they'll feel better. You know, I'd feel bad too if I was bugged by guilt every now and then and knowing that I'm a POS. Having given birth to someone absolutely unreliable and unworthy of trust wouldn't feel good either.

 

He's no longer a person you need to look after. You don't have to treat him too nicely either, you know.

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I am left gobsmacked and feel punished for trying to love and care for the 3 people who mattered most in my life my parents and my H.

 

 

Ha noticed the comment above as read through my post again, I listed my parents first is that I sign I did put them first in my marriage too???!!

 

Maybe take time to really think and remember the past. Do you feel that maybe you put your parents above your husband and marriage?

 

Though, with that said, parents get older and IT IS the child's/children's responsibility to look after them when health issues arise. Do you have siblings or are you a single child? If you have bro's and sis's then the helping out should have been equally divided.

 

There has to be more than just this - People just don't split up and divorce over something like this. Seems maybe your H used that an excuse to leave? How long has he been seeing this new woman? Is it possible he was seeing her while still married to you?

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Maybe take time to really think and remember the past. Do you feel that maybe you put your parents above your husband and marriage?

 

Though, with that said, parents get older and IT IS the child's/children's responsibility to look after them when health issues arise. Do you have siblings or are you a single child? If you have bro's and sis's then the helping out should have been equally divided.

 

There has to be more than just this - People just don't split up and divorce over something like this. Seems maybe your H used that an excuse to leave? How long has he been seeing this new woman? Is it possible he was seeing her while still married to you?

 

Honestly, I don't. All I see is that my H was quite needy and if he didn't get to eat in the restaurant of his choice cos we had other people to consider (my parents) then he felt hard done by - we hardly ever ate out with my parents by the way but that is an example of how it was, so it wasn't like I was asking him to put them first very often.

 

I was, however, at the bottom of my own list and just ate wherever to try and keep everyone else happy.

 

Its been an issue he has had for years, even before we were married. I remember being gobsmacked the first time he ever said anything to me about it. Especially as for 11 years I lived 170 miles away and then in a different country for 8 years. The problem seems to have got worse over the last 5 years when we moved back to within 8 miles of them. I however felt guilty about how little I saw them being so close. 2 hours a week? When I lived and worked with my H 24/7?

 

My mum has even said my H has avoided them for the last 2 years. It really got to him.

 

I am not saying it was the only reason but it certainly was a BIG problem and caused resentment on both parts.

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This bit of revisionist history is just an exit strategy. If he - and your MIL - make you the bad guy, then leaving you makes sense. Probably doesn't make you feel better to know this is common in these types of situations.

 

And what you're feeling is the other side of the coin. Because he's leaving, you're romanticizing his faults, flaws and callous actions to support your desire for him to stay.

 

The only person who's actions, thoughts and future you're in control of is you. Stop discussing it with him. Stop worrying about his lack of empathy. And for heaven's sake, kick MIL to the curb!

 

Focus on the 3 F's - friends, family and future. Hope things get better for you ;) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks again Mr Lucky you always have a way of putting things that make sense, letting me see it without the cloudiness of the tense emotion.

 

I am just trying to find answers so that I can learn from it and not make the same mistakes. I guess if I ever meet anyone again it will be a case of accept me then accept my parents too (they are actually the nicest people you could ever meet - even my H said that).

 

Once of my friends has described my H as a narcissistic - some traits I think do ring true but not all.

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You and I are in near as damn it in the same cirumstances and it feels ruddy awful for both of us, if you were close to me in the uk we could both talk and drown our sorrows together its 20 years today since I met my wife and I also feel crap, we don't deserve this b-s where in the uk are you ? I would like to buy you a pint of sympathy

 

Haha a pint of sympathy would be good :-) East Anglia for me, whereabouts are you?

 

Learning to consider life as a bigger picture, we are entering a new phase of our lives and where we thought we were happy before when we get where we are headed through new doors and opportunities we might just look back and think "actually it wasn't all that".

 

Hope you are surrounded by lots of good friends, mine have just been so amazing.

 

Each day that passes is another day closer to healing :-)

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GirlStillStrong

What is he, a BABY? He's a damn grown adult and he should have been right there beside you, helping your parents! Or doing it himself so you wouldn't have to. Instead, he gripes and complains that you're not giving him enough of your time? And the MIL? Since when is it YOUR responsibility to take care of HER on Mother's Day? Is she YOUR mother, or your husband's? Who is supposed to honor his mother on Mother's Day, if not HIM? Why are you letting this fall entirely on your head?

 

Sounds to me like you have a lazy baby who expected you to do everything for him and both sides of the family, instead of taking care of his own responsibilities or doing these things together. If he had been doing this to me, I'd have gotten rid of him myself long ago.

 

Stop listening to their crap.

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I get where you are Pickmeup. Same thing happened to me, xMIL and his family who I had helped for nearly 18 yrs, even going every other night to put his grand father to bed, didn't bother to speak to me or find out how I was. And it was their son who'd had an affair.

 

Yes it hurt deep for a long time. But I slowly begun to realise that blood is thicker than water and I wasn't ever going to be a part of that family again. And more importantly, I realised that if they could treat me like that, that I didn't want to be part of their life either.

 

It is many years later for me and I see the xMIL now and again and she has tried to make amends by asking me around for a catch up. But I always politely refuse. You see, why would I want to be around people that couldn't even give me the time of day at my time of need?

 

Surround yourself with friends and family who are there for you. These are the people that matter.

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Pickmeup,

You did the right thing in looking after your elderly parents. We don't have them with us for ever and your husband should have realised that.

 

He sounds like a whinging demanding spoilt child to me.

 

I got the same from my m-in-law when I divorced - "you never came to see us" - when all the time it was him not wanting to go!

 

Whatever you did it didn't excuse him cheating, which is what he was doing, and has been for some time - sorry. x

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GirlStillStrong

Glad you are feeling better :)

 

It helps me to try to understand, too, that sometimes people just don't know any better. And sometimes people are just so emotionally unrefined, aka immature, and NEED to blame someone else for what are actually faults of their own children (even adult children) because they actually blame themselves for somehow CAUSING the adult child to be that way. My mother dOes this with my brother's wife; she doesn't even know she does it. It can especially be true of mothers, because everyone blames the mother for what is "wrong" with a person. Hell, even psychiatrists used to blame schizophrenia on the mother of the patient, saying she had caused it! Now we know it is an organic condition of the brain and completely nothing to do with mothering but imagine all the women who have blamed themselves for mental illness of their children! Anyway... So try not to take it personally. Everyone hurts and has their own way of dealing with it. Don't go accepting blame, guilt, and shame just because someone throws it at you. They are only trying to deflect it from themselves.

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Glad you are feeling better :)

 

So try not to take it personally. Everyone hurts and has their own way of dealing with it. Don't go accepting blame, guilt, and shame just because someone throws it at you. They are only trying to deflect it from themselves.

 

Thank you. I am still angry and trying to move on but close to typing out an email to my MIL - a calm one, not full of bitterness or anger but just to get my case across.

 

I know it's her precious son and she will take his side but I just want to state my case and I want to do that for me to make me feel better.

 

During the 7 months of our split, I phoned her 2 times early on - both out of concern for my H because in the early days I thought he was so depressed and I was worried. I did the same earlier this week, after giving my H ample opportunity to admit the affair, he was crying and looked a broken man but still didn't tell me. I rang her again out of concern for my H - explained I was at a stage where I really needed to split our income 50/50 but that meant he would not be able to afford the house anymore and I was concerned he wasn't strong enough yet to deal with it.

 

So he has the roof over his head, I am back in my old bedroom at my parents house and her words to me on the situation were "well he does have all the bills to pay".

 

So now I know of the affair - he's out of there!

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Thank you. I am still angry and trying to move on but close to typing out an email to my MIL - a calm one, not full of bitterness or anger but just to get my case across.

 

I know it's her precious son and she will take his side but I just want to state my case and I want to do that for me to make me feel better.

 

During the 7 months of our split, I phoned her 2 times early on - both out of concern for my H because in the early days I thought he was so depressed and I was worried. I did the same earlier this week, after giving my H ample opportunity to admit the affair, he was crying and looked a broken man but still didn't tell me. I rang her again out of concern for my H - explained I was at a stage where I really needed to split our income 50/50 but that meant he would not be able to afford the house anymore and I was concerned he wasn't strong enough yet to deal with it.

 

So he has the roof over his head, I am back in my old bedroom at my parents house and her words to me on the situation were "well he does have all the bills to pay".

 

So now I know of the affair - he's out of there!

 

Take it from me, they will never ever in a million years see your H for what he is. His parents love him no matter what. They will have also heard his justifications on why he did what he did blah blah blah.

 

Save yourself the heartache imo and stick to my advice and surround yourself with family and friends who actually care.

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You and I are in near as damn it in the same cirumstances and it feels ruddy awful for both of us, if you were close to me in the uk we could both talk and drown our sorrows together its 20 years today since I met my wife and I also feel crap, we don't deserve this b-s where in the uk are you ? I would like to buy you a pint of sympathy

 

Ralf do not drink your sorrows buddy...beat them...conquer them....or at the very least challenge the. She expects u to drink...the world expects u to drink...beat it sober.

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I rang her again out of concern for my H - explained I was at a stage where I really needed to split our income 50/50 but that meant he would not be able to afford the house anymore and I was concerned he wasn't strong enough yet to deal with it.

 

This is the part you have to let go of, it's just enabling him to act out on your dime and on your time.

 

He's a grown man, let him straighten out his own affairs (pun intended). If someone's going to run to his mommy, let it be him.

 

Pickmeup, you need a little righteous anger. He's left you, kept you in the dark and is seeing someone else on the side. The only person who's cause and future you should be advocating is you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Trying to keep strong and angry, then today H rings me - he is out shopping for his mum's Christmas present. Rings me to check it's okay to draw some money out to buy his mum's xmas present ("she deserves something nice for Xmas" - his words) - then he breaks down and cries. I really cannot handle it.

 

I know I should feel angry but it breaks my heart to hear him in such a mess, I cannot just suddenly switch off my concern form him after 20 years, I know what he has done to me should leave me full of rage but I feel he is a lonely, confused and very down man trying to make himself happy.

 

I know the sooner we break our ties financially the easier it will be for both of us to be independent and move forward.

 

It's just such a mess to sort out and so daunting to both of us. Our lives are so entwined with the business if we had our own separate jobs it would have been easier for sure.

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I know what he has done to me should leave me full of rage but I feel he is a lonely, confused and very down man trying to make himself happy.

 

Big difference, he's continuing to try to get you to make him happy. Or at least to feel better about himself.

 

It's nice you feel some concern for his situation - has he shown any similar regard for yours :eek: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Big difference, he's continuing to try to get you to make him happy. Or at least to feel better about himself.

 

It's nice you feel some concern for his situation - has he shown any similar regard for yours :eek: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No he hasn't really Mr Lucky ever since he broke up with me he has been more concerned about what people think of him - for example, I did break down in tears once just before we took a fitness class and rather than any type of comfort from him he said "people are about to arrive and what will they think of me when they see you"

 

He didn't want to be thought of as the "bad man" as I obviously share some of the blame of how our marriage had been.

 

I know he feels tremendous guilt for hurting me both by ending our marriage and even more now that I have found out he has lied about this other woman.

 

I saw him briefly tonight after work for about 5 mins, he said he is going to see the doctor - he does need some help. It isn't always easy for the person ending the relationship either and it doesn't make them a hard and callous person. If he was I could easily hate him and not worry about him but he is at the lowest point of his life ever and I just cannot find it in me to kick him out of the home and leave him in the gutter - however much of a mug that might make me I just cannot be that harsh to anyone - I can't kick him more when he is so down.

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