Need

[Separated husband]

I really need advice. I'm so confused and scared

 

Background: my wife and I have been married for 18 years and have 7 children all from same marriage. I am 37 and my wifeWe got married young, my wife was 18 and I was 20 and had a baby on the way. We loved each so much. We homeschooled our kids and my wife was a stay at home mother. I worked in sales and I worked long hours. Life was great!! We had our arguments mostly because of my getting caught in lies so there was a trust issue. I started realizing that me lying was not a good thing and started becoming open and honest with her. Because of this our marriage seemed to be great. We would always tell each other we were madly in love. Our sex life has always been great like 3-4 times a week, even up to about 2 weeks ago. 2 years ago 16 years into our marriage I had an emotion affair that led to physical affair with someone at work and was caught. I felt so bad for what I did and how I hurt her. She went through a spell where she didn't know if she wanted to stay with me. We went to counseling and came up with ways I can earn her trust again after the affair. My wife even said she forgave me. I quit my job and purposely told her everything no matter what it was. My wife has always been a very open an honest person and have never ever seen a lie come out of her mouth. She told me everything. The affair happened 2 years ago and during those 2 years I felt we were getting closer. We seemed to be happy. She would tell me she is in love with me and the physical contact between us stayed the same if not more. I will say that for the last 2 years she still has her spells of sadness but we worked through it. After the affair my wife decided she wanted to do something for herself so she went to school and is a licensed massage therapist. she is great at what she does. We recently moved and my wife and I talked about me staying and homeschooling the kids and she can work instead of me. I thought it would be a great idea because I worked so much and wanted to be closer to my kids. I've been a stay at home dad for about a month now and 2 weeks ago is when disaster started happening. She's been working at her 2 new jobs for about a month. I go online to look at our sons data usage cause he always goes over. While on there I saw she had triple the texts I have. Curious I clicked on it and most of the text were to the same number. I googled the number and checked the number in Facebook and saw it was another guy a client of hers from her work. I started noticing she always carries her phone with her wherever she goes and has even changed the passcode on it. I questioned her about this and she said she is making new friends and put a passcode on it because she thinks I would get jealous if she has guy friend and said I need to learn to trust her like she has after all I've done to her. We will be watch tv with kids and she will go in the bathroom at almost every commercial break. When she goes to work she takes a bag with her that has extra clothes in it. Last week she went out with a group of people and the guy she's been texting. She said " he's just one of her friends". She got back around 3:00am. Well 4 days ago she told me she wanted to separate. She said that she has been living with the pain of my affair 2 years prior but has kept it bottled up. When she looks at me it causes her so much pain. Said she needed space to find herself and give time apart to see if she misses me and wants to be with me still cause the pain is so great. I mentioned to her about getting counseling to work on our marriage and to help with the pain but she said no. Doesn't want to do counseling until she knows if she wants to be with me. I still live in the same house due to our 7 kids but sleep in separate rooms. The kids have not been told yet but I'm sure they'll figure out something's wrong. My wife has told me that she has not had sex with anyone she said she wouldn't put me through that pain like I did her. Thing is she may not have had a physical affair but I'm worried it's starting as an emotional affair. I think she met someone that likes her that hasn't caused her pain like I did. 2 nights ago she came home from work and said she wanted me to have sex. Maybe I should have said no but I held her and started but she told me to stop she couldn't go through with it. The next day she told me she wasn't sure she was in love with me or if she is 100% sure she wants to be. I think because we got married so young and had gets and she was a stay at home mom and missed out on her youth and has never been touched by anyone but me she is wanting something different by someone who hasn't caused her the pain. She told me today that the only reason she is still married is because of the kids. I'm sorry for the long email but need advice on what to do. I don't think its healthy to stay together in this situation just for the kids. I think it escalated to the separation because of what I did and texting this guy. What do i do

[Separated husband]

Sorry I'm new to this. I wanted to add that I love my wife so much and don't want us to divorce but I'm afraid she has given up on us. If her feelings for me are gone then why won't she just divorce instead of separate. Is there any hope?

[PegNosePete]

Dude sorry to say but it's pretty obvious that she is having an affair. She is lying, lying, lying to you, and blaming it all on YOUR actions, but in fact SHE is cheating. She is blaming your actions to make herself feel better and to shift the blame onto you.

[PegNosePete]

As for what to do now. You need to talk to her in person. Get her to come back home for a chat. Tell her that you KNOW she is having an affair. She will of course deny it until the cows come home but you need to stick to your guns and say that you KNOW EVERYTHING that is going on. But never reveal your sources, or how you know. If you know the guy's name then you can use that, to prove that you really do know what's going on. But whatever you do, do not tell her where you got your information. Don't let her change the subject that way. How you know is irrelevant - all that matters is what she's done/doing. Eventually she may give you a little truth, like saying yeah maybe they sent some flirty texts. You need to have balls of steel and stick to your guns and say you KNOW there is more to it than that. She will give a little more... etc. Eventually you will get to the truth but whatever she tells you, you have to know that she is lying and there is MORE.

 

So when you've broken her down to telling you the truth, you need to tell her what her options are. She can either stay separated and expect a divorce petition in the next couple of days, or she can get her butt back home and work on the marriage.

[LifeNomad]

the last thing you wanna do is make her hate you or become more resentful by trying to force her to stay, or force change...

 

 

you cannot control her emotions or who shes attracted to, what you did was wrong, and she may or may not forgive you fully, in the meantime, give her what she wants, the time, the space, away from you, do not have sex, give her exactly what she wants, she needs to experience it, to know if that is what she really wants, if you can spend a few nights away...

 

 

it sucks, I know it, Im going thru something similar, but just have comfort in knowing this is what she wants, this is what makes her happy,

 

 

to be honest, the other guy will not have the same care/love for the kids, it wont become real to neither of them until your out of the picture, once you leave, he may back down, he may get scared, she may also once she realizes he wont help her out with them,

 

 

tell her you love her, and because of that, your going to give her what she wants, and its going to be hard, the hardest thing, but try not to cave in, be strong, in the meantime exercise, fix yourself, get a new wardrobe, EXERCISE! that is the best thing you can do,

 

 

crying and begging wont do anything but make her resent you more unfortunately. and if she does stay or come back because you begged it still wont work out and she will leave eventually.

 

 

she needs to realize on her own what she has with you and if its what she wants, in the meantime, try doing the 180 list that is posted on the sticky thread, basically you gotta show her your strong, and your gonna be strong with or without her.

 

 

theres a chance she comes back and theres a chance she wont, it could take days, weeks, months, even years, you cant go back to the past, just be strong and embrace the future, embrace the change.

 

 

good luck buddy, I know it hurts, especially going thru this during the holidays. be the best damn dad you can be to your kids.

[Separated husband]

Thanks, I guess I wasn't thinking about giving her an ultimatum because of this all being new and the hopes she would realize how her doing this was a mistake and to come back and get counseling to deal with the affair I had and was afraid that if I have her the ultimatum in her state of confusion she would say ok. But I think it needs to be done because just staying separated for the kids with me living in the same house isn't healthy. I can't keep living like we are going to get back together based on her comments to me and just go on and live for me and my kids and if she comes back and realizes she was wrong after counseling and I'm willing to take her back then we will see. I'm not a wimpy guy it's just this was only sprung upon me 3-4 days ago.

 

We told the kids today about the separation. We aren't telling them the reasons why and they were taking it bad. As a parent I was always a little grouchy around the house. But the last 2 years I've been a different person. After my wife went to work out 14 year old daughter broke my heart. She said "dad, I love the new you over the last 2 years. Your more calm and are around us more but I would rather you be grouchy and the old dad and still be married then the new dad and not be a family"

 

Any more advice would be appreciated

[LifeNomad]

i wouldn't give her an ultimatum, she already told you she wants to separate.

 

 

your daughter is just her way of saying she wants the family to stay together, it sucks man. take it a day at a time, it might not be permanent. let her explore the world a bit, just be there for the kids. its going to get harder before it gets easier, im 4 months into our separation, and I still break down when I drop off my kids back to their moms, they still ask to come home, my 10 yr old asked me last week why I don't want to sell our old house, she thinks by me staying there alone and not selling the place is the reason were not a family, and if I sold the place we would all move in somewhere else.

 

 

the truth is her mom left because she was unhappy, we both made mistakes. when and if she decides she wanted to get back together some major decisions would have to be made.

 

 

Good luck

Edited November 18, 2014 by LifeNomad

[Separated husband]

All of your advice is great. Keep it coming. Have another dilemma, I forgot to mention I know the guy's name she has been texting. I'm trying to give her space during our separation. I got a phone call from a friend that I talked about this with and he told this guy she is talking to has a wrap sheet out of this world. Just in the last 2 years he has been arrested for cocaine possession, domestic violence 3 times dragging a girlfriend out of a car, force able entry and 3 yrs probation for anger management and counseling. My question is this. How do I tell her without thinking I'm snooping and have her think im just doing it to get her to stop. I know our marriage is hanging on by a thread or even less than that but being separated im trying to just give her space. I'm thinking of the kids also, if our marriage ends in a divorce and she really likes him I don't want that type of guy around my kids or even the mother of our kids. If she wants to have male friends or go out for drinks with someone I can't stop her but not with this type of guy. What to do and how to do it?

[KBarletta]

The more you try to convince her she's making a mistake, the more she will keep pulling away. My advice: Give her space, leave her alone for a while and give her a chance to miss her old life and figure out if that is what she still wants. She's more likely to figure it out on her own with time and space than to listen to you trying to convince her.

[GirlStillStrong]

I can't keep living like we are going to get back together based on her comments to me and just go on and live for me and my kids and if she comes back and realizes she was wrong after counseling and I'm willing to take her back then we will see. I'm not a wimpy guy it's just this was only sprung upon me 3-4 days ago.

Who says you have to live with your life wrapped around the question of whether she comes back or not? You just go on with your life and nevermind her. Do what is important to you. Take the time discover yourself again. Use this opportunity for exactly what it is. Don't let fear and uncertainty rule your life; it is a huge waste of precious time.

 

Don't let her blame you and your previous actions for what SHE has decided to do, that is bull. That was THEN, and THIS is now. Neither one of you is focused on today. Get yourself in TODAY, nevermind yesterday and stop worrying about tomorrow. What is going to happen is going to happen and none of us has any control over that, nor can anyone predict what will happen. So the best thing to do is enjoy your kids and enjoy your life, and keep the drama to a minimum.

 

If you separate and she is seeing an ex-con and you are worried about the kids and visitation with this guy around, then you need to speak with a lawyer who will know what to do.

 

Sounds like you have it under control but I do want to reiterate what someone else said, which is DO NOT chase after her, cry, beg or plead. If you have to do those things do it to someone else, like a counselor or close friend. If she sees you like that it will just make her want to be with you less. Be strong, be independent, and keep moving forward in your life. Take up new hobbies, do new things with the kids, meet new people. Don't drown your sorrows in drugs or alcohol.

 

Take care. Don't worry, everything works out for the best in the end.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry I'm new to this. I wanted to add that I love my wife so much and don't want us to divorce but I'm afraid she has given up on us. If her feelings for me are gone then why won't she just divorce instead of separate. Is there any hope?

 

You two got married young and had kid so quickly not really bonding as just a couple and getting to know one another. A family unit so fast that made you both parents and probably made you grow up quickly as well.

 

Your A - Why did you have one? Were you unhappy in your marriage or with your wife? Or were you just bored and wanted a new experience? Why did you allow yourself to 'be friend' a woman, become close and have an affair? What at the time was broken inside of you that made you chose to go down that path?

 

Apply your own answers to your wife now.

 

It is possible that you two need to separate for a while, or it's possible you two can discuss an open marriage. To just UP and separate/divorce without really giving it your best together FOR the sake of your 7 kids (you both OWE them that, to give it your absolute best effort) to fix things and make it work. GO to counseling (marriage counseling), go on dates, get a sitter or ask the grandparents to take over for a long weekend so you two can have a break and bond as a couple.

 

This other guy she is interested in - You need to find out more about him. Is he married?

 

Are you two really prepared to be apart, share custody and have a whole new life to build again? It is possible your wife is feeling like you were 2 years ago, maybe bored, maybe enjoying a guy who made her feel good and she's addicted to how he makes her heart feel. The thing is, that's not LOVE, it's lust and selfish on the expense of you and the kids. Just like what you experienced when you had an affair. Unhealthy and damaging.

[whichwayisup]

Just in the last 2 years he has been arrested for cocaine possession, domestic violence 3 times dragging a girlfriend out of a car, force able entry and 3 yrs probation for anger management and counseling.

 

Your other option is, tell her to pack her bags and get out and leave the kids with you. Make it clear to her that NONE of the kids are to be around the OM. DO tell her what you know about him, how you found out doesn't matter.

 

She obviously is in a fog and not thinking clearly and is making some real bad choices.

 

People learn through consequences so sadly she may have suffer before she wakes up and realizes having an A is not the way to go about things.

[Separated husband]

Great advice!!

 

Because of just getting separated a few days ago I am still living at home taking care of the kids while she is working. Another question. We told the kids today and was wondering how long to wait till I move out to give her space. I'm trying to give her space by not being around her but I still sleep there in another room. Even though we hardly talk unless it's about the kids it's probably still suffocating having me there. We talked about staying here for awhile for the kids. My plan is when she is at work I'll be at the home with the kids and I'll leave when she gets home. Just don't know about timing

[Separated husband]

To answer your question about why I had the affair. It was because about 6 months prior to the affair started something's happened that crushed my confidence. I'm think I took my wife for granted. My wife was there for me during that time and really helped. But she was my wife and supposed to do that I thought. This other girl liked me and saw good things in me and it made me feel good about myself. It kept going until I slept with her. It was more of an emotional affair until it got physical one time. Sounds just like what my wife is doing

[whichwayisup]

So, when does she plan on seeing this OM? If you leave once she gets home, is she planning on inviting him over to the house once the kids are asleep? You have a right to know if that's a possibility. Even more so since you found out some bad stuff about him.

 

Still don't think you should move out. If she wants that space, why doesn't she find a place to stay?

 

How did your children to react?

[Separated husband]

I have no idea how she is going to see him. She told me she would never bring another man to the house. We have a 17 year old that would be here if she went out at night. She also sai she would never stay the night somewhere. She has only gone out 1 night with a group which he was there with the. She was back by 11. She said she is not interested in a relationship with anyone or sex. She said she just likes the positive attention and getting compliments without feeling pain

[PegNosePete]

how long to wait till I move out to give her space.

Huh, WTF? She wants space, SHE moves out!

 

Get back into the main bedroom man. If she wants to sleep separate them she can take the couch. She is the one having an affair but you're the one being treated like a naughty dog, kicked out of your own bed and home???

 

Whatever you do, do not move out! She will change the locks and file for divorce, and you'll be screwed. They say that men get screwed in divorce but often it's because they make this kind of schoolboy error.

 

See a lawyer and know your rights! Even if you don't go down that road it's always good to know your rights, and the first consultation is often FREE so it costs you nothing. There's really no reason NOT to.

[LifeNomad]

All of your advice is great. Keep it coming. Have another dilemma, I forgot to mention I know the guy's name she has been texting. I'm trying to give her space during our separation. I got a phone call from a friend that I talked about this with and he told this guy she is talking to has a wrap sheet out of this world. Just in the last 2 years he has been arrested for cocaine possession, domestic violence 3 times dragging a girlfriend out of a car, force able entry and 3 yrs probation for anger management and counseling. My question is this. How do I tell her without thinking I'm snooping and have her think im just doing it to get her to stop. I know our marriage is hanging on by a thread or even less than that but being separated im trying to just give her space. I'm thinking of the kids also, if our marriage ends in a divorce and she really likes him I don't want that type of guy around my kids or even the mother of our kids. If she wants to have male friends or go out for drinks with someone I can't stop her but not with this type of guy. What to do and how to do it?

 

 

 

what I do would in this situation, to make it seem like I wasn't snooping, if i was you, is I would tell her that I went ahead and got free counseling session from a lawyer about the kids child support, how custody works etc and they went ahead and started some basic paperwork including getting her name and his name came up and with a basic name search some charges came up that would not look good on her with custody including XXXXXX charges, then I would proceed to say I am not sure if this is him or not they will find out later if I decide to proceed, and then top it off with a "im looking out for my family and I want you to be happy, if this man makes you happy so be it, but I hope you understand im going to protect my kids" or something to that effect.

 

 

that would be my way of bringing it up without bringing it up. once that idea is planted in her head she will likely ask him on her own, and he will either lie which will look bad and come back to him eventually or tell her the truth which is bad anyways so only do this if you are 100% that information you got on him is accurate.

 

 

I would take this route if your feeling like playing hardball, if you tell her you been snooping on the guy and you found these things out about him she will get pissed.

[LifeNomad]

I have no idea how she is going to see him. She told me she would never bring another man to the house. We have a 17 year old that would be here if she went out at night. She also sai she would never stay the night somewhere. She has only gone out 1 night with a group which he was there with the. She was back by 11. She said she is not interested in a relationship with anyone or sex. She said she just likes the positive attention and getting compliments without feeling pain

 

 

also do not move out permantently move out I mean maybe take some days or nights off but that's it. once your out of the picture anything goes man including bringing men over. sad but true. it will also look as abandonment on you if it ever comes down to fighting for custody.

[GirlStillStrong]

What an incredible waste of time to be trying to figure out what someone else is doing, why, how to be together but at the same time be apart? If she wants to leave, let her leave, but why should you leave unless that is what you want to do? And how in the hell is it fair to the 17 year old that he or she has to stay home with the younger kids so that the mother can go out? Is this woman an alcoholic? The 17 year old did not sign up to be the parent, did she?

 

I agree, consult an attorney before you go making any big moves like getting an apartment, signing anything, or really, agreeing to anything.