My wife cheated and is leaving, how nice should I be?

[noybbuddy]

I had been married for 13 years (two kids) when the OM’s wife contacted me. She said her husband and my wife had been becoming emotionally (not sexually) involved for over a year and she’d had enough, she was kicking him out. My wife and I had some very honest conversations in which she said I never needed or appreciated her enough and this OM did. She had fallen hopelessly in love with him and was willing to make any sacrifice to be with him.

 

Unfortunately, he finally caved to the social pressures of his wife and religious community and ended up telling my wife that they could never be together. This left me still married to a woman who could do nothing but cry for the loss of the OM. These were terrible days but I was patient and caring and tried to help her heal, despite the pain it caused me.

The first year was terrible but this last year started getting much better. It seems that she had finally suffered enough and decided to let him go. And then it happened, exactly two years after the first time… I got another call from the OM’s wife. “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that we are through and he’s already talking to your wife again.”

 

Again I confronted my wife and the story hadn’t changed much. She was still hopelessly in love with him and was ready to “find separation” from me to determine if they were supposed to be together. I had worked so hard to love and appreciate her in the last two years but here she was again, ready to leave me the minute he was available. Being more in love with her than ever, I begged and pleaded but it eventually became clear that I was not an option. It became clear that in her mind, I would never measure up to this perfect man who “dehydrated himself with tears” the last time they broke up.

 

Now only recently, she confesses to me that she had yet another different emotional relationship within the last year that ended quickly after a single quilt-ridden sexual encounter. My mind was blown that my once pure and honest wife had fallen so far. She was now a liar, a cheater and an adulterer.

 

So now that the writing on the wall is so much clearer, I’m finishing up the divorce papers and hoping that she doesn’t fight me for even more than I feel I have to give her cheating a**. As always, I am trying to be kind and patient and on many days, I still enjoy her company. However, on many other days I feel absolutely crushed or bitter or angry at how she has treated me so terribly, and still says much of it is my fault for not loving her enough. All though I may not be deep enough to “dehydrate myself with tears”, I have always loved her and still love her now, always more than I did the day before.

 

So here’s why I need some advice. I know our relationship is over. I know that for at least the next six years, we have to communicate about our children. I know that being mean or bitter is not going to help anyone move forward. So what do I do for the next 3, 6, 12, 24 months? How do I best handle my roller coaster of emotions without causing unnecessary damage to myself, my ex, my children or any of our hundreds of mutual relationships? How much kindness or bitterness should I allow out of my mind and heart to my soon-to-be ex wife or to our mutual friends? In short, what is the best or right way for me to let her go and move forward without her?

[whichwayisup]

You seek counseling for yourself and do family counseling with your kids and your soon to be ex wife, this way there's a common ground/common respect between you and her as co parents. You strive for peace, only deal with her when it has to do with the kids. Your life and what you do is off limits and not her business. Keep the peace by never ever bashing or saying negative stuff to the kids about her, and hopefully she'll not do that too.

 

Make it all about the kids, always. Having two loving parents apart that get along to co parent is really what makes a transition like this healthier and easier for everybody, especially your kids.

 

Forgive her. Forgiving sets the anger and resentment or any bitterness free from your heart so YOU can be at peace. Hope that makes sense.

[GirlStillStrong]

Well, if you get a counselor you don't have to worry about annoying or weighing down your friends with your woes. Plus, a counselor would be trained in how to help you move through the pain and grief. Which is exactly what you IMO need to do, move THROUGH it, not around it.

 

You have suffered, are suffering, and will suffer loss from this. You should allow yourself to grieve your loss and do your best not to try to numb your feelings. Also, the person you married does not exist anymore so it is best if you come to accept this. She has changed. People do, you know? It's unfortunate that it seems she has changed for the worst but who knows? I think this means that you now have an opportunity to focus on yourself more and investigate what you truly want out of life.

 

But if you do nothing else, please, refuse the blame she is throwing at you. Her decisions that have led up to this divorce were HER choice, not yours. If there were things that she wanted you to do differently, she should have given you the opportunity. And allow me to reassure you, there is NO perfect guy out there. Every guy has his Pros and Cons, for sure. So while for now she may be on Cloud9, she will eventually have to get her head out of the cloud and once she does, she will see that guy is only human too.

 

You don't have to like her or even be nice to her. But it is best, for the children's sake at least, to be civil, don't badmouth her ever in front of your children, and do your best to cooperate. There are plenty of books out there on co-parenting, too, with lots of practical advice.

[Mr. Lucky]

You don't have to like her or even be nice to her. But it is best, for the children's sake at least, to be civil, don't badmouth her ever in front of your children, and do your best to cooperate. There are plenty of books out there on co-parenting, too, with lots of practical advice.

 

Good advice. Park your ego (no easy task for most of us) and think of your kids. This is just as hard for them as it is for you, especially since they don't have the context of your wife's issues in which to frame this change.

 

If you want revenge, get it by living a happy and full life. That really pisses 'em off ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to be nice.

 

 

However, you can't be scary or mean. Do not let your kids see or hear you threaten their mom or say bad things about her. They can know the facts depends on their age but don't go around saying awful things about her in their presence.

 

 

Cold silence is fine. Removing yourself from the situation is fine.

 

 

You don't have to carry a box, get her soup when she's sick or help in any way that has nothing to do with your kids. For example, if she's sick you can take the kids off her hands or pick them up from school etc.

[noybbuddy]

Thank you all so much for your reply's!

 

Finally last night, the sun broke through and I was able to let go of the bitterness again. I know it comes and goes but I always feel so much better when I am able to be forgiving and kind. When I feel like I'm in a good place, my soon-to-be ex and I still enjoy our time together, while we work though the past and plan for the future.

 

We are both being completely honest at this point and know we won't end up together but we both have hope that we can make it through this and still care for each other or at least be kind. I know that I am not the only one hurting here and am trying my best to keep any hurtful words inside and only tell them to my journal or therapist.

 

Is it odd or wrong for me to still be sharing emotional or intimate time with my wife, even as we both agree that the end is near? So many posts say to be cool or indifferent and kick the cheating spouse to the curb but I find so much comfort in her company and want to enjoy what's left of our marriage. I am not interested in acting a certain way to win her back, I just want to be as happy as possible and want her to find the same.

[No Limit]

Yeah, it is wrong that you're still emotional investing in her. You have to give her the cold shoulder. Chances are she'll try even harder at that point, but if you don't get to the point of indifference you'll be hurt over and over as time passes.

 

Her happiness is none of your business anymore. Focus on yourself and the kids only.

[d0nnivain]

Is it odd or wrong for me to still be sharing emotional or intimate time with my wife, even as we both agree that the end is near? So many posts say to be cool or indifferent and kick the cheating spouse to the curb but I find so much comfort in her company and want to enjoy what's left of our marriage. I am not interested in acting a certain way to win her back, I just want to be as happy as possible and want her to find the same.

 

 

If you are deriving comfort from this, OK. Just be careful that you aren't fully separating from her. if it helps you to move forward it's good but if it's holding you back, try to stop.

[bubbaganoosh]

The only contact you will need to have is about the kids and nothing more. Other than that, no reason to talk and the last thing you want to do is talk about the past because that's where the wound re opens and you'll never heal.

[GirlStillStrong]

Why on earth would she be emotional and intimate with you? Something is just not right there. You need to start putting her at arm's length, for your own mental health. Be civil, be cordial, be cooperative, but don't let her toy with you, that's sick for her to be doing that. I'm suspicious of her.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it odd or wrong for me to still be sharing emotional or intimate time with my wife, even as we both agree that the end is near?

 

What happens if "intimate time" leads to pregnant time ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[noybbuddy]

Make it all about the kids, always. Having two loving parents apart that get along to co parent is really what makes a transition like this healthier and easier for everybody, especially your kids.

 

This is exactly what I want. We are both putting in effort to go through this divorce on the best terms possible so we can protect our children and all else involved. I realize that I will increasingly have to cut her out of my life but it's difficult to cut her all the way now, while we need to communicate so much about the near future.

 

Forgive her. Forgiving sets the anger and resentment or any bitterness free from your heart so YOU can be at peace. Hope that makes sense.

 

Thank you, this was very helpful. I agree that I need to let this resentment go and move on. I realize that holding on to bitterness won't help anyone so I am trying my best to forgive and move forward. I feel like forgiving is already helping us part amicably.

[noybbuddy]

You don't have to like her or even be nice to her. But it is best, for the children's sake at least, to be civil, don't badmouth her ever in front of your children, and do your best to cooperate. There are plenty of books out there on co-parenting, too, with lots of practical advice.

 

Sure, but can I still like her, be nice to her and move on successfully? Is this ever done? Can I move on, fall in love again and still enjoy the short conversations when my ex comes to pick up our kids? After all, we did share a life and many good times together...

[Striver]

Sure, but can I still like her, be nice to her and move on successfully? Is this ever done? Can I move on, fall in love again and still enjoy the short conversations when my ex comes to pick up our kids? After all, we did share a life and many good times together...

 

Usually you cannot be friends with her. Friendship usually only happens if both partners agree at the same time that the marriage doesn't work. My guess is you would want to continue the marriage if your wife felt differently.

 

Long term it is usually the betraying spouse who wants to be friends. Once the betrayed spouse gets to the anger stage they don't want a friendship. I do not want a friendship with my STBXW. I would find it demeaning. Why do you want to be demoted by your wife from lover to friend? I know you had good times together, but those are history.

 

I am guessing you will feel differently about friendship long term, but take it at your own pace.

[MTmama]

I am sorry for your struggles and your loss. Is your wife still seeking the divorce? If she desired to change and remain faithful, could you accept her back? Inspite of the pending separation and divorce you still need to coparent your children, which means contact. Do you think that you can allow your relationship to be friendly, not only for the kids but for your own emotional healing? Can you think about what kind of boundaries would be necessary for your heart to be able to heal? Can you try to be intentional about what to say, how to act when you need to talk to her?

Edited November 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[chew123]

Noybbuddy,

 

I am about 8 weeks from DDAY, I can tell you that the forgiving my wife has helped me quite a bit. I had to first come to the conclusion that I will never take her back if the opportunity arises and that it is really over. After being together 34 years this was hard.

 

Since we still have a house and are going through the split, I do have to talk to her and see her quite a bit. I am ok with that also. Since I am no longer angry (and actually looking forward to my new unplanned life), our communication has been easier. I really do think she has made the biggest mistake of her life and have begun to pity her a bit. I don't really like spending time with her anymore, but since it is necessary I keep it friendly. I don't necessarily enjoy it, but it is no big deal.

 

As far as if it is possible to be friends with her maybe someday but I doubt it. Can you imagine hanging out with her and her bf and you and your gf? It would be way too weird, especially for your new significant others.

 

I will always remember fondly the times we had together. We had a great life as far as I am concerned and will not let the end destroy the memories. I suspect I will always care about her on some level, but we will never be real friends , just acquaintances.

 

Maybe you can be different, but I think it is rare.

[No Limit]

Maybe you can be different, but I think it is rare.

 

It's not rare actually. It's not real though and pretty dysfunctional. Especially when one tries to lead the other on with empty reconciliation-hope-making everything turns into highschool scenarios.

 

There's no need to be on each others' throats. But you should nonetheless keep them at arm's length. Try thinking of them like business partners; you're nice so you two can better deal with each other, and that's it.

[d0nnivain]

Sure, but can I still like her, be nice to her and move on successfully? Is this ever done? Can I move on, fall in love again and still enjoy the short conversations when my ex comes to pick up our kids? After all, we did share a life and many good times together...

 

Maybe. I have seen it done. Some people realize that they are not good together but don't have any reason to assert ill will toward the other. They can be nice / polite to one another & move forward.

 

For example, just because you are divorcing does not mean you can't sincerely wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. You don't have to wish that she gets food poisoning or sets her kitchen on fire. But it also doesn't mean you have to grocery shopping for her, give her a dish of your grandmother's stuffing that she loved so much or share dessert with her.

[Chi townD]

Here's the rub, dude. You were betrayed by the one person on this planet that pledged herself to you in front of friends, family and God. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL BAD WHEN YOU WANT TO!

 

 

You are on a roller coaster of emotions. You're going to have good days and you're going to have bad days. If you are having a bad day, then have a bad day. You don't have to walk around like you're walking on eggshells around her so you don't "upset" her. She's the reason you're like this! If she doesn't like it, then tell her, "There's the door!"

 

 

She made the choice to cheat. Therefore, there are consequences to her actions. Things like this happen and you can't expect everything to be smelling like roses.

[bigman1]

I've pondered your question for a bit and I would like to take a shot at giving a reply.

 

To answer your question directly, you should be as nice as you would be to anyone under the circumstances in existence at the time that you are in her presence. If you are arguing at the time, then being nice would not be expected. If you are exchanging pleasantries in the check out line after a chance encounter then keep it light.

 

You need to start relating to your wife differently. She is your children's mother and your soon to be ex wife. Bitterness has its place. Stop playing nice and be business like. Let me ask you this, how friendly and chatty would you be with someone who did something that has the real potential to mess with your kid's emotional and psychological welfare? Being business like is not mean.

[noybbuddy]

I am sorry for your struggles and your loss. Is your wife still seeking the divorce? If she desired to change and remain faithful, could you accept her back? Inspite of the pending separation and divorce you still need to coparent your children, which means contact. Do you think that you can allow your relationship to be friendly, not only for the kids but for your own emotional healing? Can you think about what kind of boundaries would be necessary for your heart to be able to heal? Can you try to be intentional about what to say, how to act when you need to talk to her?

 

To be clear, it's me that's pushing the divorce. She's got so many conflicts in her life right now that she's stalling out in making any progress in any direction. However, unless she starts crawling back on her hands and knees, I must assume that her heart is still compromised. For my own protection, I must keep cutting her out of my heart and out of my life.

 

I've actually been feeling quite good about this approach for the entire last week. I've picked myself up off the floor and realized that I'll be okay no matter what she decides to do. If she leaves me, I will be okay with the love of myself, my children and my friends. If she sincerely comes back (begging), I feel like we could repair our marriage and spend many more happy years together. Either way, I have peace that the outcome will be good for me.

 

The one small dilemma I still continue to have is how I should act right now. I've been pulling away emotionally but this worries me because that was always her biggest complaint, that I wasn't deep enough emotionally. So by cutting her out of my life, I feel like I'm validating her biggest grievance with me. However, I can't show any deep emotion without breaking every recommendation on this forum.

 

So for the most part, I am taking your recommendations, stepping back and keeping cool and calm. I'm backing off on communication but still making myself somewhat available if she gets into severe crisis mode. I'm planning on a future without her while letting her know that this was always her choice to make.

 

I think she also knows that it won't be her choice to make much longer. I've got the papers done, I'm moving on emotionally and there will soon come a point when no matter what she says, I won't want her back. Once I've succeed in cutting her out of my heart, all that will be left is the mess she left behind.

[noybbuddy]

I am about 8 weeks from DDAY, I can tell you that the forgiving my wife has helped me quite a bit. I had to first come to the conclusion that I will never take her back if the opportunity arises and that it is really over...

 

I really do think she has made the biggest mistake of her life and have begun to pity her a bit.

 

I suspect I will always care about her on some level, but we will never be real friends , just acquaintances.

 

Maybe you can be different, but I think it is rare.

 

chew123,

 

Thanks for your perspective. It sounds like we are in a similar spot, only you've been able take the decision completely out of her hands when you said that there's no chance you'd take her back.

 

I'm not there yet but I can feel it coming the longer she is away. I can feel the bonds breaking and honestly, it's liberating.

 

Thank you.

[noybbuddy]

Try thinking of them like business partners; you're nice so you two can better deal with each other, and that's it.

 

I'm getting there. It's tough to let something like this go but I'm getting there.

[jakrbbt]

How nice "should" you be? Within reason, it doesn't matter! Don't be a complete a-hol, and don't capitulate to her in ways that compromise your happiness and your boundaries.

 

Beyond that, how you behave toward her is for you to decide, so do what makes you comfortable. Me, I love being nice and friendly to people. It makes me feel comfortable. I find it burdensome to "discipline" others or "punish" them with my behavior. So if it were me, I'd be very friendly, even if the person had betrayed me. But I'm not like most, I find great comfort in that kind of friendly bonding even after hostilities. If you find more comfort in personal space, then give yourself tons of personal space and keep all interactions pretty businesslike. Or simply come out and say that you need space and are taking some.

 

The point is, you have no obligation to punish her and no obligation to capitulate to her. Do what YOU do. Don't do anything that is calculated to change how she acts or feels, because you can't change that stuff and anyway you shouldn't be burdened with trying to.

 

An example: My ex didn't cheat, but he is retaliatory and manipulative. So I used to try to appease him, hoping he'd be reasonable. It never worked of course. But I wanted to be considerate toward him, because that's the way I am. But also: I thought that if I caved into his unreasonable demands, he'd back off from some of his abusive ways. I was confused about whether to give into his demands for money and other things. My counselor told me that I can do nice things for him, but here's the catch: I could only do things I'd do anyway, even if I knew my husband's behavior would still be rotten afterward. So one morning, he asked for a cup of coffee. I love making coffee, I make a very delicious cup of coffee. I'd even fix a cup of coffee for my worst enemy in the legislature whom I've been battling for years. It just gives me pleasure to make good coffee. So I gave my husband a cup of coffee. It was fine. It would've felt pretty contrived to refuse the coffee on principle. But I didn't give him the thousand dollars he asked for so that he could continue refusing to look for work.

 

And I'd say the rule is the same for being cold or less "nice": Only behave that way if you'd do it regardless of how your ex behaves. And watch the desire to act less-nice just in order to show her you're upset. That would be very natural, but it signifies a need to have her recognize your feelings still. Make sure that isn't your aim. You don't need to need that. After all, she's not going to make you feel better. You'll feel better one day soon, but not because of her.

Edited November 21, 2014 by jakrbbt

[noybbuddy]

Here's the rub, dude. You were betrayed by the one person on this planet that pledged herself to you in front of friends, family and God. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL BAD WHEN YOU WANT TO!

 

 

You are on a roller coaster of emotions. You're going to have good days and you're going to have bad days. If you are having a bad day, then have a bad day. You don't have to walk around like you're walking on eggshells around her so you don't "upset" her. She's the reason you're like this! If she doesn't like it, then tell her, "There's the door!"

 

 

She made the choice to cheat. Therefore, there are consequences to her actions. Things like this happen and you can't expect everything to be smelling like roses.

 

While I've had days where betrayal is all I can feel, I still strive to be the best person I can be and not harm anybody if I can help it. I know that in 5 years, we will all be reaping the rewards of our actions today whether we like it or not. (and I"m feeling pretty optimistic ;-)