Separated six months - want to divorce & move on 1 minthen want to go home the next!

[Decisiontomake]

The title about sums up where I'm at right now - pendulum swinging madly. I though it might just start a fresh thread here to see if anyone else has experienced this during separation AND in the hope that some of your questions and wisdom can help!

 

History: married 20 years. Two grown children 19 and 16. Was a virgin when I married. Had an affair for two years which finished recently. I instigated the separation as we had been in trouble for a while. Was hoping it would provide some clarity - which it does on some days but not on others.

 

Over to you LS community.......

[Tinroof53]

Is this your decision to make or your husbands decision?

[Decisiontomake]

My husband wishes to reconcile so at this time the direction forward appears to lay with me.

[KBarletta]

I completely understand the back and forth pendulum, as I have felt the same. I am two weeks in, and have gone back and forth every day between wishing my wife would come home, and a kind of relief that what clearly was a flawed relationship in which I felt unwanted is now over (or at least on hold).

One thing I did that helped was make a list of the reasons that made me happy it was over (things about the relationship that made me unhappy - not just minor annoyances but serious issues), as well as a list of things I would miss about her. The lists were both lengthy, but it helped clarify some things in my head as to why I was feeling the way I was, and I always think it helps to write things down.

I wish you luck - it will get better. I am in your shoes, and I know that I am in serious pain right now but I KNOW it will get better.

[Decisiontomake]

Thanks KB. I need to get out of this analysis paralysis phase that I find myself in!

[ralfgarnett]

Why did you cheat ? there is never any good reason for cheating in my book, if you cant stand the heat then get out of the kitcjhen but don't be seedy and sordid about it that's just disgusting behaviour

[Decisiontomake]

I agree there's never a good reason to cheat. I don't know why I did it. I was searching for something that I wasn't getting in my marriage. And yes, I should have looked to my marriage for that, but after years of trying, I was skeptical I could turn it back onto a positive track and get the fulfillment that I needed from it.

[KBarletta]

Thanks KB. I need to get out of this analysis paralysis phase that I find myself in!

 

Yes. I find myself with the same problem - it is very hard to deal with the back and forth feelings of grief and relief, constant analysis, etc.

 

I just recommend always having something else to focus on. A book. Work. Friends. Working out. Something else that has nothing to do with your ex or your old life. I know it's hard, because I have the same struggle. But the more I focus on other things, the less my mind wanders back to that negative back and forth with myself.

[JK321]

I absolutely get what you are going through. I am also ambivalent about should I stay or should I go. I've read books on this, sought therapy (still in it) and ended my affair 4 months ago. And I'm no where near the answer!

 

Basically its guilt and fear of loss. Both are very powerful emotions to deal with and what happens is that you shy away from making the brave decisions. So you stay in the rut because that's where you feel most comfortable and safe. But for how long - that is the question! And how brave are you?

 

These emotions are so very debilitating and deep rooted in your psyche. It's not easy to deal with and don't expect it to be resolved anytime soon...Its gonna be a journey for you and you may have to delve deep in yourself and your past to get to the root of why you feel this way. Just try to be authentic with your feelings and find some consistency in your feelings and then be brave!

[Decisiontomake]

I absolutely get what you are going through. I am also ambivalent about should I stay or should I go. I've read books on this, sought therapy (still in it) and ended my affair 4 months ago. And I'm no where near the answer!

 

Basically its guilt and fear of loss. Both are very powerful emotions to deal with and what happens is that you shy away from making the brave decisions. So you stay in the rut because that's where you feel most comfortable and safe. But for how long - that is the question! And how brave are you?

 

These emotions are so very debilitating and deep rooted in your psyche. It's not easy to deal with and don't expect it to be resolved anytime soon...Its gonna be a journey for you and you may have to delve deep in yourself and your past to get to the root of why you feel this way. Just try to be authentic with your feelings and find some consistency in your feelings and then be brave!

 

Thank you for this. I had thought I'd been big and brave by moving out of our family home - believe me that took some major balls! - but making the "final" decision is even harder! I'm trying to just give it time - stay in IC, talk to friends, be quiet and alone to listen to what I really want - but, well it hasn't provided clarity yet!

[chew123]

Decision to make, Jk321,

 

Being a betrayed spouse, I can help you with the decision. Let your spouses go.

 

Decision, your affair was for 2.5 years I believe, so your lbs has been in limbo for 2.5 years, probably did not know about it the whole time and is still waiting for you to make up your mind. Let him go and start a new life. It is cruel to keep going back and forth.

 

JK,

 

Brave?, you cheated which is one of the most cowardly acts you could do. You could have just ended the relationship, then moved on. There is nothing brave about cheating or its aftermath. Be honest with yourself. And do your spouse a favor. Let them go. As I said above leaving them hanging is cruel.

 

After my wife came clean about the affair she said our marriage is over and she would not stop the affair. At first I thought this was horribly cruel. She would not even give me a chance. However, 6 weeks later , I realize she did me a big favor. I was able to accept the marriage is over and I have no hopes of getting her back. I have begun to take back control of my life and feel ok. If she left me in limbo, I would never be able to move forward with my life.

 

I don't mean to speak harshly and I do wish the best for both of you. I am just on the other side and I really feel for the spouses who are left behind and are just hanging around while you make up your minds.

 

Good luck with your decisions.

[Decisiontomake]

Not harsh at all Chew - very eloquently put - thank you.

[Decisiontomake]

I have a question for you Chew please? So are you saying that knowing about your wife's affair gave you the closure you needed to move on? I have deliberated whether or not to tell my husband about mine - but err on the side of note doing so as I don't want to hurt him by telling him. And honestly, I am scared of what he may do in terms of his reaction and whether or not he would tell our children, or others about it. I know that is selfish, yes. But we have remained amicable thus far and I would like to do so whatever direction we head in.

[chew123]

Decisiontomake,

 

My story short and quick.

About 6 months ago I could tell my wife was drifting away. I asked her what was wrong, asked her if we could work on it, etc. She said she did not want to talk about it and could only think of herself right now. She was turning 50 and our only son was headed to college so I figured she was freaking out over change. I backed off and started working on myself just in case something worse was coming, although I had no clue.

 

Time comes for my son to go to college, she asks me to move out so she can figure out if she wants to stay with me or not. I am floored and tell her no, she can move out but I am not.

 

4 weeks later, she can no longer handle the guilt comes home and tells me about the affair, still lying about it and does to this day, but I don't really see her anymore. Once she admitted the affair, I asked her to stop she said no, I said ok guess its over then. So yes her telling me about the affair is helping me to move on.

 

Your case is different however. Your affair is over. If my wife's affair had ended, I would have been willing to give it a shot. I think that would have been the wrong thing but I would have tried it.

 

Note that during the 6 months she drifted away she treated me badly and was attempting to get me to want to leave. I am glad I did not fall for it. She only confessed to the affair (I think) to get me to make the decision to end the marriage since she was too much of a coward to do it. Also, she is in agony that my son is going to know the truth about why the marriage ended. He will get a sugar coated version of course but I feel he needs to hear the truth.

 

Note that I am not a particularly violent or angry man so hearing the truth about the affair, however devastating was best for me. I really do appreciate that she told me. We are splitting up as amicably as possible and my son will be fine.

 

I think your husband deserves to know and it will help him make his decision. I know it is hard since it has been hidden from him for so long, but how can you ever have a reconciliation or a clean break without the truth. Now if you are afraid he may become violent, that is a different story.

 

Unfortunately, affairs have consequences. There is no easy way out for you or him. But only you have the full story, so the burden of the decision is on you. And as far as not hurting him, you have already hurt him deeply, he just does not know about it. Although I would wager he suspects.

 

Good luck and I hope you can make peace with yourself and him whatever you decide.

[Decisiontomake]

Thank you Chew. Yes our situation is slightly different in regard to me voicing my concerns over the last few years without much change on his part. But that still does not make my affair any more acceptable - I get that. I appreciate your sharing though.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have deliberated whether or not to tell my husband about mine - but err on the side of note doing so as I don't want to hurt him by telling him. And honestly, I am scared of what he may do in terms of his reaction and whether or not he would tell our children, or others about it. I know that is selfish, yes. But we have remained amicable thus far and I would like to do so whatever direction we head in.

 

To this thoughtful discussion I'll add that, as far as your husband is concerned, you're adding insult to injury.

 

First he does not get input into the course of action you choose - the affair - to address the issues in your marriage.

 

And subsequently he doesn't get an chance to make an informed decision about his future, either alone or together with you.

 

Does he really deserve to be treated this way ??? At least respect enough to let him decide what's best for him. It certainly seems you're giving yourself that same opportunity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Decisiontomake]

Do you mean he should be told about the A them Mr L?

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you mean he should be told about the A them Mr L?

Without a doubt. It's a significant event that's having a profound effect on his life. Beyond that, he needs to know in order to put your post-affair actions into perspective.

 

Let's say your husband had been diagnosed with a terminal disease and, without telling you, made a number of life altering decisions, one of which was to leave your marriage. Would you think he'd acted fairly? Would he have taken into account it was your future being decided too?

 

You made one mistake in straying. Don't compound it by continuing the lie, no matter how nobly you've rationalized your motives...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

This isn't an attack, but reading your stuff here it comes off as disingenuous. First you claim to be trying, yet you've been involved with another man for a long time. How can you ever connect when your being pulled away?

 

I'm wondering how much of this has to do with the other man your involved with? Maybe it being a with a married man who wouldn't or won't make the commitment with you?

 

When you posted before you where far more sure this was the right move. Was it because you had more hope of being with the other man?

 

I'm just asking questions, in no way am I suggesting these things are true.

 

On another note, what are the chances that the fear of your husband knowing of the affair also played a role in you leaving the home? Him seeing the real you, maybe he pulls back and takes the decision out of your hands. Maybe the thought that he may no longer be an option.

 

From your writing it appears that your husband is chasing and wanting you back.

 

How would you feel if he started pulling away? Started dating? These are things that will likely start happening sooner then later. This limbo is unfair. What exactly are your fears in finally ending the marriage?

 

I'm on the other side of the whole mess, I have never been a very emotional man, but when divorce became a viable option I became very emotional. So many fears, mainly having another man in my kids life. Once I came to terms with my fears the path forward became much more clear.

 

Your husband will not stay suspended forever. This is a man you once loved very much, don't you think he deserves to know what's going on in his life? What he is dealing with?

 

I feel for you, I really do. In my opinion I think you want some freedom, yet you still want him as an option, which is why you can't bring yourself to tell him about the other man.

 

What your doing now isn't working for you, its clearly causing you a lot of pain, but your not making an progress one way or the other. Maybe its time to try something new.

 

I really hope this works out best for your family.

[Decisiontomake]

Hi DKT3 - thank you so much for your thoughtful response. This is why I have turned to the LS community - to get different views, and though provoking questions that can help me try and get my head straight.

 

 

This isn't an attack, but reading your stuff here it comes off as disingenuous. First you claim to be trying, yet you've been involved with another man for a long time. How can you ever connect when your being pulled away? You're right that trying to engaqe in a marriage when your emotions are split between your spouse and an AP is an obvious oxymoron. My marriage had been in trouble long before my affair started, and while that does not excuse it, I am explaining that in terms of the effort I HAD put in, exclusively for a number of years prior to me doing that.

 

I'm wondering how much of this has to do with the other man your involved with? Maybe it being a with a married man who wouldn't or won't make the commitment with you?

 

When you posted before you where far more sure this was the right move. Was it because you had more hope of being with the other man?

 

 

My first reaction on this was no that wasn't the case. But I took some time to think of this comment and there is probably an element of truth in that. But that is likely to be the affair fog that some on here speak of - I was caught up in the emotions for the exAP and had pictured a potential "traditional" relationship with him. Also, the desire I have to experience new people also contradicts my thoughts of whether or not I should be making a last ditch attempt to keep my family intact. I'm not sure I'm explaining this very well - I can't quite explain it to myself so articulating it is difficult.

 

I'm just asking questions, in no way am I suggesting these things are true.

 

On another note, what are the chances that the fear of your husband knowing of the affair also played a role in you leaving the home? Him seeing the real you, maybe he pulls back and takes the decision out of your hands. Maybe the thought that he may no longer be an option.

 

 

The fear of him finding out was not a factor in my decision to leave. I left because I simply didn't want to put him/us through what we were going through anymore. I didn't want to be "that" person - and was desperately trying to do the right thing.

 

From your writing it appears that your husband is chasing and wanting you back.

 

How would you feel if he started pulling away? Started dating? These are things that will likely start happening sooner then later. This limbo is unfair. What exactly are your fears in finally ending the marriage?

 

 

My fear in finally ending the marriage is that I may regret that decision - my logic tells me it's the right thing to do and that we have run our course (not meaning to sound flippant in that comment), but my emotions and the history we have together draws me back in with a "can I make it work" mentality. This mentality is what's kept me in the marriage for the last 5 or 6 years - the thought that "if only I can do this, or that" to make it better. So again logic would tell me that's not going to work right now.

 

I'm on the other side of the whole mess, I have never been a very emotional man, but when divorce became a viable option I became very emotional. So many fears, mainly having another man in my kids life. Once I came to terms with my fears the path forward became much more clear.

 

Your husband will not stay suspended forever. This is a man you once loved very much, don't you think he deserves to know what's going on in his life? What he is dealing with?

 

 

I have been given such conflicting advice re whether to tell him of my affair - in all other respects I have been honest with him - about my fears, about my thoughts on what it feels like to be apart etc. Another oxymoron I know - selective honesty. Again, I don't know how else to put that.

 

I feel for you, I really do. In my opinion I think you want some freedom, yet you still want him as an option, which is why you can't bring yourself to tell him about the other man.

 

 

I have enjoyed elements of freedom, yes. But in essence, I could do myself a favour in telling him as that might end this limbo we're in as that could make him walk away fully. I've leaned towards not telling him so that I don't make an already difficult situation moreso. I also know the hurt it will cause him - having been on the other side of it when he had an affair many years ago - and I'm not sure I could stand to do that.

 

What your doing now isn't working for you, its clearly causing you a lot of pain, but your not making an progress one way or the other. Maybe its time to try something new. Yes, it is causing emotional pain all around - I swing from thinking this limbo is a good thing and that time will show us the way, to thinking OK we need to do something final so we can all move on one way or the other.

 

I really hope this works out best for your family. I truly appreciate your time in responding. Thank you .

[Majormisstep]

Decision, I could have written this post. Can you PM me? MMS

[Decisiontomake]

Decision, I could have written this post. Can you PM me? MMS

It appears you can't receive PMs Major. Sorry.

[Scott0310]

Decisiontomake,

 

I do want to pose this question. You have mentioned a few times about you "trying" in your marriage, does that include both you AND our husband? I only ask this because my wife, who is wanting a divorce herself, said the same thing to me. My only reply to that is, it takes two people to realize there are problems and it takes two people to try and fix it. If you said nothing, and most women dont say anything, they throw down hints and expect us to understand, but yet you still tried while he changed not, than any effort on your part was then mot. My STBXW has said for the last few years she was "trying" and was unhappy, yet she faked being happy just fine, letting me believe nothing was wrong. Now she wants a divorce (seperated for 11 months), in this time I have been working hard to save it, and when she asks my why now and not then? I can only say, I didnt know because you never told me the words.

 

Also, tell him about your affair. Its in your own best interest to tell him, imagine not telling him, things working out and than somehow he finds out. I promise you this, you'll be done.

[Decisiontomake]

Decisiontomake,

 

I do want to pose this question. You have mentioned a few times about you "trying" in your marriage, does that include both you AND our husband? I only ask this because my wife, who is wanting a divorce herself, said the same thing to me. My only reply to that is, it takes two people to realize there are problems and it takes two people to try and fix it. If you said nothing, and most women dont say anything, they throw down hints and expect us to understand, but yet you still tried while he changed not, than any effort on your part was then mot. My STBXW has said for the last few years she was "trying" and was unhappy, yet she faked being happy just fine, letting me believe nothing was wrong. Now she wants a divorce (seperated for 11 months), in this time I have been working hard to save it, and when she asks my why now and not then? I can only say, I didnt know because you never told me the words.

 

Also, tell him about your affair. Its in your own best interest to tell him, imagine not telling him, things working out and than somehow he finds out. I promise you this, you'll be done.

 

 

Hi Scott - if you look at posts I've had on here dating all the way back to 2008 you'll see I did try - hard - and spelt out exactly what was wrong, or what was making me unhappy. It absolutely takes two people to make a marriage successful and unfortunately the history was that it was me trying, not him - which is what lead to where we are today. That said, I totally take responsibility for my part in enabling the dynamic we had - with me being the driver, and he the passenger but even when I tried to address that - with tangibles - he did nothing. Not out of not wanting to, nor through lack of love for me or desire for our marriage to work - he just simply didn't get the importance of what I was saying to him and like a lot of men (sweeping statement coming!), he thought things would "blow over" and the pattern would be; I'd ask him for things I needed to change, he'd listen and make effort in what he could for a short while, the "nagging" would stop, and he would revert - repeat pattern. Hope that makes sense. I fought tooth and nail for my marriage over many years. The current balance is not indicative of the majority of our time together regarding him wanting to make it work and me being skeptical of that.

 

 

If we were to R, or even discuss that, then yes I understand that the "best" thing to do would be to tell him of the affair. I'm not saying I'd be brave enough to do that, nor that I 100% agree with it, but I understand it nonetheless.

Edited November 11, 2014 by Decisiontomake
Forgot to address an important point

[Justanaverageguy]

Decision, I could have written this post. Can you PM me? MMS

 

You know this is such a common "middle age woman who cheated" post a few hundred thousand people could actually have written it. Not being mean or trying to hate on you here. But honestly this just fits the pattern of what is normal for middle age woman who cheat almost exactly. It has been posted so many times before its scary.

 

To give a really quick summary of this pattern:

 

- Woman enters long term relationship with great guy, gets married settles down. Buys house has kids - they are happy etc etc blah blah blah

- Over time the woman slowly loses attraction and sexual desire for her husband. They have sex less and the relationship falls into what is often called "brother sister" mode.

- Woman becomes bored with her life in middle age and thinks "something is missing"

- Womans attraction to her husband continues to drop. She starts actively avoiding sex with her husband.

- Woman meets new man or men who suddenly rekindle her sexual desire. She starts contemplating cheating for the first time.

- Woman claims she is no longer in love with her husband or happy in the relationship. Blames husband for causing her feelings for another man by citing a number of things he wasn't bringing to the relationship or was doing wrong. Many times these are never directly raised with the husband - even though she believes they were. I call this the "it was his fault I cheated stage"

- Woman then starts cheating. Has intense sexual affair. Often many also claim to be in love with their affair partners saying their new lovers invoke feelings in them they have never felt before. Some even call them their soul mates and contemplate leaving their husband to be with them. They feel terrible during this time because they know what they are doing is wrong but simply can't stop cheating. Usually the Woman continues to justify her cheating actions by blaming problems in her relationship caused by her husband.

 

Then the next part is where you are now. Called the "limbo" stage. There are normally 2 options for how this works. The first is the woman is forced to choose between staying with her Husband or leaving him for her new affair partner. The second is if the affair falls apart. But after the affair ends the woman often feels like she has discovered something during the affair she wants to pursue. She wants to get the intense feelings from the affair back and is left to decide if she wants to stay with her husband or leave and look for a new partner.

 

The normal process is the Woman ends relationship and asks for a "separation" to figure out how she feels. She thinks this will bring clarity to the situation and help her decide what to do. The husband at this point turns into a crying, blithering mess and begs for her to come home. He try's his hardest to reconcile the relationship. Often crys a lot and has no idea his wife has cheated on him.

 

The Woman can't decide what to do - she is stuck in limbo - and oscillates constantly between leaving her husband or coming home. Often during this period she is still actively looking to find other sexual partners to be with or if she stayed with her affair partner continuing to cheat.

 

Honestly .... is that pretty close to what happened ?