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The Ups and Downs


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I am two weeks into a separation. Together for 10 years, married for 7, we were raising a child (12) of hers from a previous relationship.

 

She left two weeks ago with the announcement that she no longer felt a "spark" for me and that she had felt this way for some time, at least six months. She had said nothing however, before announcing she was leaving (with our child). I could tell by the infrequency of our physical encounters, and my constant need to be the *instigator* if you will, that she had been cooling off. I thought those sort of ups and downs were natural in a long term relationship, especially with us both approaching 40. She disagreed and said she wanted "something different."

 

I started out arguing, telling her it was a mistake, wrote her a long letter trying to work through our issues, convince her to try therapy. Nothing worked. She's going.

 

Up until two weeks ago, I thought I was in a flawed marriage that just needed work. Now I know my wife was silently in anguish and preparing to leave for some time, unbeknownst to me.

 

I guess my question is: Do I continue to try to convince her to work on things (I think we can get past 90 percent of our issues through compromise, and I am more than willing to try. There are a few problems - like my inability to have children of our own - that could be deal breakers). OR ... do I move ahead alone, heartbroken, filled with regret and the knowledge that - had she given us a chance to work it out - this could have been a long, happy marriage?

 

Any thoughts?

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Sad. Very sad.

 

You've made your wishes known. That is good.

 

Put yourself in her shoes. If you are pulling away, does someone forcing the issue make you want to come back? With human nature, it doesn't.

 

Instead, do not let her treat you badly anymore. From her perspective, show her that you've decided "the heck with this" and live your life fully without her.

 

The result will be one of two things, she'll see that and come crawling back or you'll actually start feeling good without her and finding other people that appreciate you. Mind you, the way she broke up kind of sounds like it is an affair. Will you be able to accept and forgive her for that?

 

 

The No Contact (NC) plan might be right at this time. Don't keep groveling though, it will only push her away more and diminish your own self-esteem.

 

 

I hope this helps. It's very painful.

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- had she given us a chance to work it out - this could have been a long, happy marriage?

 

You can't make her "give" anything - not a chance, a hoot or the time of day.

 

Sounds like you've laid it all on the table, she knows you want to try and fix things. Give her a chance, without any pressure from you, to find her way.

 

Look up the 180, lots of good info on a neutral approach to a spouse with one foot out the door. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Egone, I actually specifically asked if there was someone else, and she denied it. Given how honest she was about everything else (finally) and all the other hurtful things she said, I would be surprised if she lied about that.

 

IF it is someone else, it would be a deal breaker (especially given the lies recently) but I doubt it. It seems, to me, more like she had lost her way, gotten away from who she was and needs to find that again.

 

I think the most painful thing, for me, is that I never had a chance to do anything to address the issues she was having, because I never knew how bad things were. That is my biggest regret/sorrow, and what makes it so hard to move on/do the 180.

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I think the most painful thing, for me, is that I never had a chance to do anything to address the issues she was having, because I never knew how bad things were. That is my biggest regret/sorrow, and what makes it so hard to move on/do the 180.

And the time to address the issues may come, it just isn't right now.

 

Now is the time to work on you, show her what she's missing. Get into the gym, be active with friends and family, travel and, difficult as seems, stay positive.

 

A mopey, needy and whiny demeanor only reinforces to her she did the right thing in leaving...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I feel for you KBarletta, I'm in a similar situation myself, I don't know the answers but personally I have backed off, giving her time and space so I guess I'm playing it by ear so to speak...... anyway, I just wanted to wish you good luck.

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And the time to address the issues may come, it just isn't right now.

 

Now is the time to work on you, show her what she's missing. Get into the gym, be active with friends and family, travel and, difficult as seems, stay positive.

 

A mopey, needy and whiny demeanor only reinforces to her she did the right thing in leaving...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

As a woman, I think this is bang on. Whining and being needy puts me right off a man.

 

Hang tight, Mr Lucky is right starting doing things and working on yourself. Who knows, she may start to think she's left something too good behind

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Thanks to all for the input. I agree that this is the time to work on me, establish NC (as much as possible with a child that I still want to see regularly) and try to do the 180.

 

I think my biggest problem at this point is mental. I have been so focused on her and our life together for so long, it's almost impossible for me to think of anything else. I have a very hard time keeping my head from spiraling into negative territory.

 

I have told a few people and it always makes me feel better to talk to them. I also have seen a therapist and will continue to do so. It's just hard to focus on myself when all I want is to get back what I had.

 

I know what I have to do - it's just very hard to actually do it.

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I know what I have to do - it's just very hard to actually do it.

 

Some will say that's proof it has value.

 

These are many things in life that aren't complicated but are still hard to do. Weight loss, getting in shape and getting back on your feet after a failed relationship - all simply involve putting one foot in front of another. Taking that first step in the right direction each day.

 

The work and progress will be its own reward. And the outcome, while presently unknown, may surprise you ;) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Just wanted to offer a quick update. Wife has found a new place and will be moving in two days, to an apartment nearby, with our child.

I will stay in the house we shared and have regular visits with the child. I am heartbroken that it has come to this, but am relying on you all for advice and trying to focus on myself and also making the house nice to it can be ready to sell quickly if and when that time comes.

 

Our child will make NC difficult if not impossible, as we will have to communicate to decide where/when/how on child-related issues.

 

My question: does anyone have advice on how to modify NC in these situations so the principles can still be effective? Mind you, we have not had an actual conversation for more than a week. All contact has been via brief text messages related to child care issues.

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My question: does anyone have advice on how to modify NC in these situations so the principles can still be effective? Mind you, we have not had an actual conversation for more than a week. All contact has been via brief text messages related to child care issues.

Not sure I understand your question.

 

"Brief text messages related to child care issues" would be ideal NC for most custody sharing parents...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Thanks to all for the input. I agree that this is the time to work on me, establish NC (as much as possible with a child that I still want to see regularly) and try to do the 180.

 

I think my biggest problem at this point is mental. I have been so focused on her and our life together for so long, it's almost impossible for me to think of anything else. I have a very hard time keeping my head from spiraling into negative territory.

 

I have told a few people and it always makes me feel better to talk to them. I also have seen a therapist and will continue to do so. It's just hard to focus on myself when all I want is to get back what I had.

 

I know what I have to do - it's just very hard to actually do it.

 

Of course, you can't just shut off your emotions and all of a sudden get used to not having her around and in your life. Give yourself a break, it's going to take time to adjust.

 

She bailed out on you without trying. She decided a long time ago it was over and did her grieving and detaching already which is why she's able to just up and move without giving it much thought. Is this a 'break' separation or is this leading to divorce?

 

I do hate to pile on the band wagon here, but it is possible she's met someone else and just doesn't want you to know anything about.

 

Keep talking to your friends and do counseling if you can. It'll help you cope with your emotions and all that you're feeling.

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Is this a 'break' separation or is this leading to divorce?

 

I'm hoping it's just a "break" not a "break up" but I guess time will tell. She's signed a year long lease at her new place. Neither of us has uttered the D Word, and I don't want to (yet) even raise that issue. I will, however, be spending my time in our house painting and getting it ready to sell, as much to keep busy and as a kind of therapy as to actually sell the home. I can't afford to live there alone much more than a year or so.

 

I do hate to pile on the band wagon here, but it is possible she's met someone else and just doesn't want you to know anything about.

 

I did ask that question point blank and she said no. But then I reviewed my question in my head and realized that she could have answered no and been honest if she has not actually slept with the new guy yet. She's been so brutally honest with me in saying some pretty hurtful things, it's hard to imagine she'd keep that fact a secret. But it's possible. Not sure how to go about finding out the truth about that, especially since we're not living together anymore.

 

Keep talking to your friends and do counseling if youcc can. It'll help you cope with your emotions and all that you're feeling.

 

Thanks - that's exactly what I have been doing and it does help.

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Hi all. It's been a few days since I posted an update and I am feeling the need to post again. I have been getting anxious and getting an itch to contact my wife (though I won't) so I thought I'd post an update here instead.

 

It's been three and a half weeks since my wife announced her decision to leave, three days since she actually moved to a new place, with our daughter. In that time, for the first week I mistakenly tried desperately to convince her to stay. Since then (a little over 2 weeks) I've gone to extremely limited contact- our contact has been regarding our daughter and the location of her new place.

 

The past four of five days, though, I've been having fairly regular anxiety attacks, something I have never experienced before. I have visions of her with other people, thoughts that she will never talk to me again, that I won't see my daughter again. Even though I know in my head that these are for the most part irrational fears, it's hard to shake them. I've been going to therapy, and it helps for a while, but then a few hours or a day later, the anxiety returns.

 

To add to the drama, I have recently been offered a job in another city, about three hours away from where I live now. I never would have considered it before, but now I am. It would be a major promotion and salary increase but I of course would have to sell my house and leave my family and friends.

 

Given that one of the issues between myself and my wife was that she wanted to explore living in other places (and I didn't - I was very happy in my job and loved our home), I wonder if I should tell her that I am exploring this opportunity or keep it to myself. (The job change would not occur for about six months).

 

Just throwing a few things out there for opinions and to get some of this anxiety off my chest - thanks all.

 

KTB

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To add to the drama, I have recently been offered a job in another city, about three hours away from where I live now. I never would have considered it before, but now I am. It would be a major promotion and salary increase but I of course would have to sell my house and leave my family and friends.

 

Don't know if you'd continue to have a relationship with her child but that's almost impossible to do from 3 hours away.

 

Lots to think about and many big changes - marriage, job, moving - in a short period of time. Is a "fresh start" your main priority?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mr. Lucky,

My wife has already stated her intention to move away in the spring when our daughter is done with school, to a place much farther away (like 10 hours or even across the country). So I am already facing a long-distance relationship with our daughter if that happens, so that makes it less of a concern

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GorillaTheater
Mr. Lucky,

My wife has already stated her intention to move away in the spring when our daughter is done with school, to a place much farther away (like 10 hours or even across the country). So I am already facing a long-distance relationship with our daughter if that happens, so that makes it less of a concern

 

It's time to talk to a lawyer if her moving that far away is a problem for you, and it darn well should be. At a minimum, you need to be asking about a custody agreement that will keep your daughter fairly close.

 

Do not spend one second worrying about whether it will make her angry or not. We're talking about your child here, and maybe it's time she's realized that it's gotten real.

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Gorilla,

I appreciate the advice. Unfortunately, the child is hers from a prior relationship and even though I am the only father she's ever known (for 10 of her 12 years), I have no real legal standing to ask for custody. She's not my biological child, nor did I adopt her, so it would be difficult legally for me to do much of anything to keep her here.

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GorillaTheater
Gorilla,

I appreciate the advice. Unfortunately, the child is hers from a prior relationship and even though I am the only father she's ever known (for 10 of her 12 years), I have no real legal standing to ask for custody. She's not my biological child, nor did I adopt her, so it would be difficult legally for me to do much of anything to keep her here.

 

Damn, that's a tough deal. I'm sorry.

 

I guess my advice still stands in general, though. Not to file for a divorce if that's a step you're not willing to take at this point, but more to find out about your rights and how things may go, maybe mainly on how to protect yourself at least financially.

 

Got to tell you, though. Unless you were an addict, abusive, disordered mentally, or cheating, odds are that she found another man and failed to fill you in on that. I know it sounds cynical and maybe even bitter, but those are the odds I think you're dealing with. Maybe that matters and maybe it doesn't; gone is gone.

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Unless you were an addict, abusive, disordered mentally, or cheating, odds are that she found another man and failed to fill you in on that.

 

Nope, I wasn't any of those things, not even close actually. I just wasn't "exciting" enough in her book and too tied to my job and our town/home. And you maybe right - there might be someone else. It's entirely possible. If so, she's really good at hiding it from me (and our daughter).

 

 

It actually DOES make a difference to me, big time - if she is with someone else and lied to me about it, I wouldn't be interested in reconciling and would file quickly. If she truly is adrift mentally and emotionally and really just needs space and time, that is a totally different story for me in terms of our future.

 

 

The question is - how can I even find out the truth?

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GorillaTheater

Finding out the truth will be tougher with her moved out, no doubt. But the following is a very comprehensive thread on evidence gathering. Look it over, and figure out how to use what you may have access to:

 

Standard Evidence Post

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Thanks Gorilla,

Not sure I am ready for that kind of thing just yet. But it's good to know that there are proven ways to go if I decide to go down that road. I am still focusing on NC, myself and my daughter and giving her space. Doing this would require establishing some contact that I am not ready for yet.

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Just a quick update here folks. Thanks for listening.

I suppose this is normal, but four weeks into a separation (and three weeks into NC - outside of child care discussions via text) I have been going back and forth between one minute missing my wife crazy and wishing she would come back and the next minute still feeling terrible pain that she left and wondering if I would even be able to take her back if she did want to return.

I suppose this is normal, but I can't help but wonder what she is feeling. She has respected NC as well and now doesn't even get out of the car when dropping off/picking up our daughter.

I suppose I am just curious about what is going on in her head - if she is feeling the same emotions, missing me, vacillating like I am, or if because she initiated this in her head months ago, she's already done with all of that.

Any insights?

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She left two weeks ago with the announcement that she no longer felt a "spark" for me and that she had felt this way for some time, at least six months. She had said nothing however, before announcing she was leaving (with our child).

 

What do her actions tell you about what she's thinking?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mr. Lucky,

 

Knowing her as I do, and having heard what she said when she left and thought about it a lot, I think she was feeling hopeless and trapped in an unhappy life and afraid to confront those problems in the confines of our relationship. She wanted to break out. I suspect when she left, because she had suppressed those emotions for so long, she felt some relief and even excitement or euphoria that she was out of what she perceived to be a relationship that she no longer was interested in working on and free to live her life.

 

The thing is, I think I have a pretty good handle on what she was feeling four weeks ago - and why. And I suspect that she was on a high when she left - but I am just as certain that that high is unlikely to last and she is probably going to suffer a letdown at some point. So what I don't know is how she's feeling now, because we have been NC for over two weeks.

 

I know this is how NC is supposed to work - I work on me, give her time and space to work on her, don't worry about it. And admittedly, part of me would just feel some kind of comfort in knowing she is feeling as much pain and uncertainty as I am.

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