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18 years thrown away.


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Hi all,

 

Well im on the path of god knows what and were. I have been married 18yrs and have 4 beautiful kids to a women i love dearly, like all marriages we had our up and downs, she suffered from depression and was in semi denial with it.,...she knew she had it but did little to combat the problem. I knew this...i encourgaged her to do something about it...she did see a doctor and get on meds...but not sure if that made much of a difference. And me yeah i had my problems...i spent to much time with my head buried in the computer etc.

 

Then around 6 months ago...she found porn on my phone....yup i @#$ed up and im the first to admit that. She wanted a divorce then and there.... broke my heart and i hated myself for what i had done. Anyway i moved out of the house and into the shed...but told her i wasnt moving out completely....had hope we could sort it out with time. It was strained but we managed...broke my heart everyday having her so close yet so far away.

 

Eventually she decided to move out.....i hated the idea....but knew i couldnt stop her and she went....not to far away ..same neighbourhood so to stay close to the kids school etc. After a month of being moved out she was open to us dating.... it was music to my ears.....

 

Things were going well...we laughed , the sex was awesome and things were on a slow but strong road to recovering the marriage. Then all of a sudden she got distant.....i asked what was wrong, she wouldnt tell me, but said " i want us to work out".

 

So the next weekend i planned a romantic weekend away, we both were looking forward to it....it was an amazing weekend. Until the trip home.

On the way home she said she wanted to cut ties, she felt she never got the chance to be seperated.....so we did...i didnt talk to her for 10 days afterwards.

 

I found out she had already been sleeping with other men, seeing several different men at once.... she really out there playing the field. Its crushed me. Its over........thats so hard to say...im still trying to accept it.

 

I talked to her today and told her how i felt...that i loved her, that even now id take her back.........but i knew inside it wouldnt change anything. Its done.... i also told her that starting tommorrow there will be no contact for at least 60 unless its something about the kids.

 

This is going to be a really rough ride....... im trying to stay strong and look for a future..... cant see one there ......yet i hope.

 

thanks for letting me vent....

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DivorcedDad123

Sounds like she had checked out of the marriage long ago and you are just now made aware of it. You don't go out sleeping with numerous people after a short seperation,unless you've been checked out for some time.

That may be the reason your marriage fell apart in the first place. Her finding porn on your phone might have been the excuse she was looking for to get out. Her depression was likely linked to this want of something new,but obligation to stay in the marriage.

You need to stop all communicatioins and work on yourself. As long as you're communicating with her, your attachment will be there. Go see an attorney asap to protect yourself and your future self. She is not the person you married. Stop holding on to that fantasy and start building your new life.

Stay in the home and do not let her back in.She is not your wife any more. You owe her nothing. If she has a problem,let her new men handle it for her.

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Then around 6 months ago...she found porn on my phone....yup i @#$ed up and im the first to admit that. She wanted a divorce then and there....

 

I'd guess she was already involved with someone and her "outrage" here was a cover-up. Agree with DD123, you don't jump from marriage into several beds straight away.

 

Stay strong, you're doing the right thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

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She was quick about ending the marriage. Too Quick. and over porn. Then here she is running around with other men?

 

Something is amis.

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Yeah, DD123, your right, i think she did check out long ago.....but the jumping into other bed so quickly has caused more pain than i can bear at times.

 

But Today is the day i start my life all over again. Time to find new freinds, new hobbies and get my **** together...live life my way.

 

Day 1 of no contact.......everytime ive thought of her ive tried to redirect my thought to something else...

 

Thanks for the replies it does help with the lonelyness of it all :)

 

Luke

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Coming in hot..... we married early, she never got to play the feild when she was young...guess shes always wondered what she missed in life. Could be thousand reasons why she is doing what she is doing.... but ultimatly she is destorying herself and self dignity, but i wont be around to pick up the peices, shes destroying both of us with her behaviour.

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Coming in hot..... we married early, she never got to play the feild when she was young...guess shes always wondered what she missed in life. Could be thousand reasons why she is doing what she is doing.... but ultimatly she is destorying herself and self dignity, but i wont be around to pick up the peices, shes destroying both of us with her behaviour.

 

I am so sorry with you. I get what you're feeling.

I wish you nothing but a future filled with happiness and loyalty*

CiH

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Justanaverageguy
I'd guess she was already involved with someone and her "outrage" here was a cover-up. Agree with DD123, you don't jump from marriage into several beds straight away.

 

Stay strong, you're doing the right thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

100% agree with Lucky. No one just immediately ends a marriage over a one off porn video on a phone. I don't care what your beliefs religious or otherwise are - that's just crazy.

 

She was clearly looking for an excuse to end it. Making it your fault and something you did as the cause makes it easier for her to live with and justify. Now she can have her fun and use this fairly minor incident - which in my mind is not even worth a discussion - as an excuse for infidelity. I would guess the same as Lucky, that she was already cheating when this incident occurred .... or if not had somebody in mind she wanted to cheat with.

 

I know you are going through immense pain right now, I have been in a similar position, but the steps you're taking are the right ones. If I could give you some recommendations. Don't hide from the grief the pain of what happened. Experiencing it fully will allow you to process it and move on. Make sure you look after yourself during this period though. Stay away from alcohol any drugs and those types of vices and find someone you can trust and lean on through this period.

 

Also a lot of the moving on and recovery process comes down to you. How you want to view the event. Its a horrible thing to have happen but life is change. Some of it we ask for and some of it we don't. Unfortunately we cannot not control what happens or what other people do, think and feel. All we can control is ourselves and how we react to the situations we are faced with. Some people may choose to wallow in self pity and get stuck on what they have lost. Others choose to look to the future and, as painful as what happened is, see it as a new opportunity for growth and for new experiences. Every situation has both positive and negative. As difficult as the situation is right now grab onto the positives and focus on them. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and each day will be better then the last if you chose to make it so.

 

Also if I could recommend you to some reading which may help to explain, process and move on from what has happened - I would direct you to the books written by Michelle Langley

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the porn on your phone was just an excuse, a reason to hook on to and start the process.

 

 

don't kick yourself over it or regret it, it had nothing to do with her leaving.

 

 

you will hurt, but eventually you will get stronger and be thankful for it later. She may or may not wish to come back, but you will be a better person. Work on yourself, work on change, work on improvement, exercise 30 min a day, change your diet, you are going to be reborn, but its up to you to do it.

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Yeah, I agree with everyone else. Finding porn on your phone was just an excuse. Hell, she was probably already sleeping around and the porn was just the excuse she needed to forgive herself and leave. Also, it was just the excuse that she need to continue to sleep around guilt free!

 

 

Dude, go to the doctor and get checked out. She was sleeping with you the same time she was sleeping with everyone else.

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Thanks for the replies.... they definatly help to know im not the only one going through this . Im letting the emotions out at the moment, ive cry ...prayed for strength....and i know this is all part of the path to moving on.

 

I made it through day 1 of no contact....... went to sleep without sleeping pills last night, but woke at 4am thinking about her and whats shes doing, bascially worked myself up into a small panic attack. But i breathed and managed to calm myself.

 

There is an internal battle between my heart and my head.....my heart desperatly wants her back and my head knows shes gone. Im working on my strength, and trying to look forward. Looking forward is so hard, spent 18 years with her and the kids as my life my everything. Making new freinds and doing new stuff i just dont i want to do right now, but i know i must or i will wollow in self pity and never heal....

 

Yesterday i cleaned half the house and got rid of everything that wasnt mine or the kids and today i shall finish the other half before going back to work tommorrow.....will try to stay busy.....

 

Thanks again all, even just typing this out here on the forums helps me sort through the thoughts and feelings flying around in my head.

 

Life will never be the same, and change is a challenge.......

 

Luke

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Justanaverageguy
Thanks for the replies.... they definatly help to know im not the only one going through this . Im letting the emotions out at the moment, ive cry ...prayed for strength....and i know this is all part of the path to moving on.

 

There is an internal battle between my heart and my head.....my heart desperatly wants her back and my head knows shes gone. Im working on my strength, and trying to look forward. Looking forward is so hard, spent 18 years with her and the kids as my life my everything. Making new freinds and doing new stuff i just dont i want to do right now, but i know i must or i will wollow in self pity and never heal....

 

Thanks again all, even just typing this out here on the forums helps me sort through the thoughts and feelings flying around in my head.

 

Life will never be the same, and change is a challenge.......

 

Luke

 

All I can say is it will get better just hang in there. I've walked the road - when its new and raw like it is for you now you need to cry - you need to let that pain out. I actually was lucky in that I was working remotely and able to have alone time when my break up first hit which allowed me to do that and heal to some extent. The key is to let it out but don't let it consume you.

 

It may sound crazy but my break up was some 7-8 months ago. It was probably the most painful thing I have ever been through - I know how bad those first days can be. Looking back now I'm at a place where I feel like I'm happier now then I was before. I would never say I am glad it happened as it's a terrible thing to go through and it definitely changed my perspective on love - but I also learnt a hell of a lot about myself, my friends and family. I am a lot closer to some of the people I care about then I was before. I'm also a lot stronger as a person and have grown and explored new areas I never would have otherwise. Change is a challenge - but that's what life is about. Sometimes in life we are stuck in a rut and don't even realize it and sometimes the change we least want and least expect is exactly the type of change we needed. So my moto - When life gives you a big juicy Sh#t sandwich .....do what people would least expect .... eat it and then then ask the waiter for more ;)

 

For the moment just keep going one day at a time - keep moving one foot in front of the other no matter how painful that might seem. Slowly but surely the pain will feel less and the good days will begin to outnumber the bad. Time has a way of working its magic if you stay in the right frame of mind :) Goodluck and best wishes!

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Those 18 years are not in the garbage. They happened, and the good times were very real, even if they had to end for whatever reason. They're a part of you both. Own your past, good and bad. You know how sometimes the mistakes and bad parts "stick" to you? Well, so do the good parts and love-- that was real. Time now for your next chapter. This is your own beautiful life with all its highs and lows and mistakes and joys and anguish.

 

Number one, allow yourself to feel pain and sadness. Feel it, examine it, tell yourself it is OK. Because it is, and that's how you'll heal. And when you try to escape the pain, forgive yourself for that. But every day, please, remind yourself that it's OK to feel sad over this.

 

And then, take care of yourself in little ways. Each little thing goes a long way: Start drinking green tea, watch a dumb movie you love, go for a walk or play a sport, get a haircut or a new outfit, cultivate great sleeping habits if you can. Or if you can't sleep, then rather than porn, watch some hilarious movies or exercise like a madman-- rowing machine, sit-ups, whatever.

 

Keep checking in.

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She was quick about ending the marriage. Too Quick. and over porn. Then here she is running around with other men?

 

Something is amis.

 

I agree with this 100%. Seems like a "iffy" reason. I'm wondering if the other men were already in the picture. Sounds fishy.

 

This does get easier as the days pass. Focus on yourself and kids. Start to move on with and live your life without thoughts of her in it.

 

My female view is she felt trapped, if this is the case she will try to return to you once this "wildside" has run its course. You will then be faced with a decision on if her actions are things you can live with and move forward. Until then focus on yourself. Take the full time set aside (60 days) to remain as close to NC as you can while co-parenting.

 

I was also married young to the only man I had ever been with (at the time, I had an affair). We divorced and had time apart. Looking back on it, it was a good thing. Not how we got there of course.

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Those 18 years are not in the garbage. They happened, and the good times were very real, even if they had to end for whatever reason. They're a part of you both. Own your past, good and bad. You know how sometimes the mistakes and bad parts "stick" to you? Well, so do the good parts and love-- that was real. Time now for your next chapter. This is your own beautiful life with all its highs and lows and mistakes and joys and anguish.

 

Number one, allow yourself to feel pain and sadness. Feel it, examine it, tell yourself it is OK. Because it is, and that's how you'll heal. And when you try to escape the pain, forgive yourself for that. But every day, please, remind yourself that it's OK to feel sad over this.

 

And then, take care of yourself in little ways. Each little thing goes a long way: Start drinking green tea, watch a dumb movie you love, go for a walk or play a sport, get a haircut or a new outfit, cultivate great sleeping habits if you can. Or if you can't sleep, then rather than porn, watch some hilarious movies or exercise like a madman-- rowing machine, sit-ups, whatever.

 

Keep checking in.

 

 

I agree ^^^^

 

 

Just because things didn't work out until 19 years doesn't mean that the first 17 years were in any way negated. You still have 18 good years and 4 children under your belt. And now you have the opportunity to hit the "reset" button and build a new life, experience new things and do things that you probably wouldn't have able to otherwise.

 

When marriages dissolve both parties tend to do what is called rewriting history. The WS does this to justify the affair(s) and justify walking away. If they can convince themselves the marriage was a mistake and that they were unhappy and unfulfilled for 18 years then they feel less guilty about themselves over their bad behavior.

 

But the BS can also find themselves rewriting history too in thinking that their WS was pulling one over on them for 18 years and using them and exploiting them the whole time. In a way this is also a defense mechanism to protect the ego. It's easier to blame the WS and say that they had some kind of grand scheme and were an evil mastermind plotting to use and abuse them rather than accept that it was a good relationship for a long time then simply ran it's course and came to an end.

 

Moral of the story is it's sad and disrupting that the marriage has come to end but the truth is it in no way means that the previous 18 years wasn't a valid, functional marriage while it existed.

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And I agree with the others. She had probably checked out and disconnected a long time ago and was just using the porn as her excuse so she could point at least one finger at you while all the rest are pointed back at herself.

 

All men and probably a significant percentage of women have some porn on a phone or a computer somewhere. If everyone were to leave their partner because they took a look at some naughty pics there would be no marriages in the world.

 

She left you because she wanted to and she wanted wanted to point at least some of the blame at you.

 

This situation sucks but I have to admit you are taking it well and you are doing the right things. Focus on taking care of yourself and your kids and don't let her manipulate you, BS you or push you around. She is the walk-away so don't let her call any of the shots on your life. She had a marriage and husband and she chose to walk away from them so she waives her rights to any of the perks of having a husband and marriage.

 

Get a good lawyer and fight for everything you are entitled to out of the marital assets and give her no quarter or comfort. She is allowed what she is legally entitled to but not one thing extra.

 

Take care of yourself and keep moving forward.

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Morning all.... well made it through another whole day with no contact at all....and its another step forward.

 

Saw my theripst yesterday and was able to unload some anger and hurt...and also went for a jog/walk for the first time in i cant remember how long.

 

I hear all your posts and agree.... she did feel trapped and left the marriage long ago,the porn was an excuse. We had love and a good marriage at times...and ive lived those experiences so ill never forget them. I guess dealing with that is alot of the hurt, the asking why wasnt it enough, i dont think ill ever get an answer...and she probably doesnt know herself.

 

The pain comes and goes, the worst time is the stillness just before i go to sleep and when i wake up...my head thinking of her in bed with someone else and my stomach knots and makes it hard. I dont want to rely on tablets to sleep....

 

My first day back at work after 5 days off.....thought i was looking forward to it....but really dont want to go back... no drive or energy for it atm.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.....its helping me to process what im feeling and why.....

 

Luke

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Luke I want to tell you something that is going to be horrible to hear, but I want you to be prepared simply because I wasn't.

 

I don't know what age your children are, but under no circumstances do you talk about their mother or your relationship with her in any way, shape or form. You will be making the biggest mistake of your life. IF they are out of the house and grown then the next three points I'm going to make are moot.

 

There are some other things you need to know.

 

She is going to bring these men around your children. If you beg, plead or make any negative remarks about these men to her she will latch onto them even tighter. You have to let those relationships run the course. Good or bad. She is going to be the woman you always knew she was and the woman you fell in love with to these men. This is why you need to focus on you and getting better, because the last two points are going to hurt even more if you don't fix you.

 

Your children are going to talk about these men like they are the best guys in the world in the beginning. Try as hard as you can not to say anything bad about them or your ex wife. Just listen to them and maybe try to change the subject if you can.

 

The last thing is you one day are going to have to pick up your kids or they will be dropped off to you and he will be there and your kids are going to hug him goodbye. Prepare yourself for this now. If you can smile wave and walk away without an incident then you did better than most. No matter how awkward and hurt you feel just be quiet, smile, hug your kids, turn around and walk away with them.

 

Keep going to therapy. Follow the advice of those talking to you on this board. Reconnect with old family and friends. Find a hobby that takes little to no thought and do it. You are in way over your head in uncharted territory.

 

One thing I did was imagine myself as a boat all alone at sea. There was nothing I could do but float as the hurricane went all around me. I watched the bits of our life fly by and just closed my eyes and cried.

 

There is nothing you can do now. There is no reason or rhyme as to why it fell apart. You can read all the books, look at all the web sites, ask all the right questions. It will never make sense, because you cannot control human emotions.

 

Just a suggestion, but you should be as nice as you can when you start talking to her again. I'm a little over 90 days since my wife of 15 years left. We have 3 children together. I know what you are going through. Kill them with kindness, but stand your ground like a warrior...

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Hey DSP yeah, i have had a few thoughts about when the kids are around the other men, and have already promised myself i will not say bad things about my ex to my children. The Other "dad" is going to be hard to handle, even now it kills me thinking about it.....but i cant control that. I cant control much at the moment...even my thoughts and emotions i cant control.....

 

I told her that i wanted no contact for at least 60 days...... today she texts me on my phone " Eldest daughter home from school with a supposed headache, just thought u should know". Its not my day to have the kids and shes a nurse , im sure she can handle a headache?...... why bloody text me.... to screw with my head even more? I was so pissed off. But i didnt reply and let it go.... eventually.

 

Nearly through another day...... hoping the good starts too out weigh the bad ....or even just some good will happen in my day soon .

 

Take care all and thanks for the support.

 

Luke

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Anything to help. I owe some people.

 

Not sure of the ages of your children, but if you can; get your child a prepaid phone with unlimited texting.

 

Something I thought I would share too.

 

Never have a zero sum day.

 

What this means is never have a day go by that you didn't improve yourself in some way or form. At the end of the day add up your positives and subtract your negatives. Try to always have a positive balance.

 

Here is an example: In the beginning it was a simple as eating pancakes. I was so distraught that I couldn't eat solid food and as I was walking up the stairs at work I almost passed out. So I said enough of that... I went out and ordered some pancakes and choked them down. I literally choked them down, but when I was finished I had a +1.

 

It doesn't matter what you do. Read a book on self improvement, paint a wall, clean the house, run a mile, etc.. The goal is to be a better person today than you were yesterday. No matter what. You won't always be successful. Once your tally comes up with too many zero sum days you will look at life in a different perspective. You will want to be better just to stop feeling like a loser.

 

Your Ex has a deck of cards. 52 cards to be exact. Each week take a card back. If you fight with her or beg and plead you just gave back a card and lost another week. The last card you take back is the Ace of Spades. This is your card the one you want the one you fight for Luke.

 

I don't take life as a game and I hope you didn't read it as such. Just set some goals to move forward.

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well another day i made it through, another step forward.

 

The mental pain is having physical effects now...im getting around 6 hours sleep, but im just so exausted...i feel like i havnt slept for a week.

 

I keep getting text on my phone from the ex.....it breaks my heart not to reply, but i havnt.....then i go through the whole - is she texting to reach out, is there hope, is she missing me, does she want me back....hope explodes, then i tell myself the truth and spiral down again..... guess thats were the exaustion comes from....

 

But i keep getting told its a process, and im on a journy, a crappy one...but im on it :)

 

DPS thanks for the tips and the inspiration.....i read that post several times and it made sense....i want that ACE......

 

Have a great day all

 

Luke

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Luke,

 

Good luck on your journey. You are doing great on the NC. It does get easier.

And if you do the right things and have a good attitude things can get better pretty fast. I went from not being able to eat or sleep to the point that I am able to eat and sleep reasonably well and I just got to 5 weeks after dday.

 

Easier for me since my son is grown but you will get there in time. Especially since you are doing a much better job of NC. Every time I have contact it sets me back.

 

One thing that is really helping me is I have made a new friend who did not know me as a couple, only as someone transitioning to single. She is also going through a big transition in her life. Of course this is a friend only relationship since I think I need at least a year to get myself together before I even consider dating. Still helps to hang around with a woman who

likes me as a friend and listens to my problems as I listen to hers.

 

DSP is dead on about treating them with kindness. I got ugly once and regretted it, and the only person it hurt was me.

 

Keep moving forward , and like everything else in life, this too shall pass.

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I am so sorry and can feel your pain. My husband and I have been married for 22yrs and have our share of ups and downs. She needs to learn to love herself and that is something you could not help her with. (it is something we all struggle with). You sound like a great guy and the important thing is to stay focused and not let the anger or hurt take over your senses. Looking at porn was an excuse for her to put all the blame on you and make you look like the bad guy. For your kids sake don't hate her and be civil. My husband and I may separate soon and we both have agreed to not hate each other (at least not in public) even though the anger and hurt is there but we have 3 great children together and our paths will cross many times over the years and besides it takes more time and energy to always be mad.

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I told her that i wanted no contact for at least 60 days...... today she texts me on my phone " Eldest daughter home from school with a supposed headache, just thought u should know". Its not my day to have the kids and shes a nurse , im sure she can handle a headache?...... why bloody text me.... to screw with my head even more? I was so pissed off. But i didnt reply and let it go.... eventually.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nah, she did that just to let you know what's going on with the kids just in case the school happens to call you about her not being there.

 

 

You can read the texts and respond to texts about the kids if you need to. Everything else, just keep on ignoring.

 

 

What other texts has she been sending you?

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