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Having trouble trying to disengage


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wannaworkitout

Hello all,

 

A little background...My wife abruptly left me 6 weeks ago and moved in with her parents along with our D6. She doesn't want to talk outside of therapy and hasn't decided if she wants to try and save the marriage or not. I am still very much in love with her and miss her and our daughter terribly. I've been trying to get her to increase my parenting time with our D6 for the last 5 weeks but she keeps telling me she's not ready to discuss it yet.

 

I'm having a horrible time trying to deal with the loss of contact and feel the longer she pushes me away the closer she's getting to divorce. Any ideas on how I can manage my anxiety?

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evanescentworld

The problem you have is that there are two issues here, and one is emotional, the other "practical".

 

Now, stern as this may sound (and I apologise if this sounds soulless) you have to consult a lawyer about your rights to see and care for your child. She's yours, 50%, therefore you have the absolute right to have her and see her for 50% of the time. Your wife has no right to dictate terms to you and lay down the law, when no legal premise has been implemented.

 

Sadly, you have to completely separate the 'Emotional' aspect of your separation, from the Practical aspect. In other words, you cannot consider matters which require a clear head and straight-thinking processes, from an emotional standpoint. You actually need to lay the 'heart' to one side, and operate via the 'head'.

 

And I think you need to be solid about this, and - *gasp!* - you have no option but to consult a lawyer with regard to separation/divorce.

 

I really would do this anyway. You need to be prepared, and forewarned is forearmed.

She cannot be dictating everything, and no matter how much you believe bending over backwards to accommodate her and keep her happy, is the way to go - it honestly is NOT the way to go.

You need to take the bull by the horns, exercise some control and be resolute.

Trust me - she will definitely be spurred into discussing things then, when she gets the papers.

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wannaworkitout

I agree with what you're saying but am afraid if I file for legal separation that will push her over the edge towards divorce. I think that may be my heart doing the reasoning there but it's how I feel at the moment.

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evanescentworld

Bud - she's already left. She refuses to talk to you outside of therapy, and she can't decide one way or the other.

 

She's. already. left.

 

Things will never, ever be the way they were. You can't un-think what's happened, and undo it.

Prevaricating and hopping from one leg to the other merely prolongs the agony and delays the inevitable.

 

Is one of her complaints that you don't engage, you don't communicate, you don't express yourself, you don't show your feelings?

 

If you don't act now, you're just proving her right....

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wannaworkitout

One of her complaints is that I didn't help out enough around the house and with our D6. The issue is SHE didn't communicate how she was feeling over the last 5-6 yrs and the resentment grew and grew. I sensed something was wrong but she would just get angry when I would ask her to talk about what was going on.

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evanescentworld

Yes, we women are good at playing the "I want you to be psychic so you instantly KNOW what's wrong, without asking" card.

 

I'm sorry, I still think you need to assert your ideas and make a stand.

And if she won't talk outside therapy, confront her. Ask her directly, what the heck is going on?

Because sadly, when women behave the way she's behaving, the horse has bolted, so closing the door is pointless. For the vast majority of women, this stage is the 'too little too late' time.

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evanescentworld

Face your fear, then.

Tell me, what are you really afraid of?

 

This woman will be in your life for your remaining days. She is the mother of your child, she will never entirely disappear.

 

Make the best of what you'll have, because the best of what you had finished long ago.

Right now, it's not in a good place.

Up to you to take it to a better one. Whatever that takes.

Sure, it won't be easy, it won't always be pleasant, and it won't be smooth.

But for the sake of your daughter, you need to gain some kind of stability, get a grip and be strong, even if it's fake to begin with.

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wannaworkitout

To be honest, I'm afraid of losing the love of my life. I'm afraid of not being there for the everyday things in my daughters life. I've made mistakes and I'm angry I didn't get the chance to fix them.

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evanescentworld

Say this. Say this in therapy, and challenge her to confirming it's too late, and ask her why.

If you can't fix it, then change the manual and do what works.

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In therapy then - ask her point blank does she intend to work on fixing the M with you or not?

 

It's a yes or no question. She should answer yes or no.

 

If she answers no - tell her divorce papers will be filed then- no need to waste more time if she doesn't intend to work on it.

 

If she answers yes then tell her to move back home now. Present to her the things YOU plan to change about yourself - the get busy changing the way you participate.

 

You need to find out what her intentions are - so ask her.

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wannaworkitout

My wife has a medical condition that requires medication that lowers her immune system. She said the stress of keeping everything in over the years has worn her out. She has lost a ton of weight. She said the move back home was to get away from the stress and get the help she needs. I've asked her to move back home so I can prove to her that I'm committed to making the changes necessary to reduce her stress and take care of her while she gets better. She just says she not ready to move back. Her parents are moving out of state early 2015, they are the ones who take my D to school every day, and she doesn't have a plan yet for what she's going to do.

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My wife has a medical condition that requires medication that lowers her immune system. She said the stress of keeping everything in over the years has worn her out. She has lost a ton of weight. She said the move back home was to get away from the stress and get the help she needs. I've asked her to move back home so I can prove to her that I'm committed to making the changes necessary to reduce her stress and take care of her while she gets better. She just says she not ready to move back. Her parents are moving out of state early 2015, they are the ones who take my D to school every day, and she doesn't have a plan yet for what she's going to do.

 

Then ask her.

 

It's a yes or no answer to the question you ask.

 

If she answers no - you can move forward and begin to heal knowing she has no intention of considering your feelings.

 

Ask her...

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She's yours, 50%, therefore you have the absolute right to have her and see her for 50% of the time.

As far as I am aware, there is no country in the world that has this "absolute right" written into law.

 

The rest of what you wrote, I agree with.

 

OP, do what beach is suggesting. Don't tell her what you want. Ask what she wants, and tell her the conditions under which you'll accept that. If she's "out" then she will receive divorce papers shortly. If she's "out" then she needs to move back TODAY and work on the marriage. These are the only 2 options, it's a yes or no question.

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I agree with Beach. Ask her yes or no.

 

If she says she doesn't know then take the fact that she refuses to move back in as a no and file for divorce. The reality is holding on and being in limbo is unhealthy for both of you.

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Decisiontomake

Hmmm, I'm on the fence with some of this stuff. I left my marriage six months ago and to be honest, if my husband had "shut down" from me initially, it might have given me some shock treatment and made me figure out what I wanted way quicker.

 

 

On the other side of that, you're right that it might also have had the opposite effect and pissed me off to the point of pushing me away.

 

It's not as black and white as saying if she's in then she's in and she needs to come back now - it just isn't. The counseling you're doing is great - but she might need space to figure some of her own thoughts out on her own - and so forcing an "in or out now" type of conversation is not, imho, the best thing to do.

 

 

I would have liked my husband to have been honest with his thoughts and timeline though - you cannot control each other's reactions within this set of circumstances (or any other for that matter), but you can control what you want. i.e "I want to continue counseling for x number of weeks, and by December (or whenever) I'd like us to reassess where we are. If you are still uncertain at that time, I will xxxxx". Make sense?

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wannaworkitout
Hmmm, I'm on the fence with some of this stuff. I left my marriage six months ago and to be honest, if my husband had "shut down" from me initially, it might have given me some shock treatment and made me figure out what I wanted way quicker.

 

 

On the other side of that, you're right that it might also have had the opposite effect and pissed me off to the point of pushing me away.

 

It's not as black and white as saying if she's in then she's in and she needs to come back now - it just isn't. The counseling you're doing is great - but she might need space to figure some of her own thoughts out on her own - and so forcing an "in or out now" type of conversation is not, imho, the best thing to do.

 

 

I would have liked my husband to have been honest with his thoughts and timeline though - you cannot control each other's reactions within this set of circumstances (or any other for that matter), but you can control what you want. i.e "I want to continue counseling for x number of weeks, and by December (or whenever) I'd like us to reassess where we are. If you are still uncertain at that time, I will xxxxx". Make sense?

 

Our therapist has said the same thing to me in our private sessions. The more I push the more it makes her want to pull away. I would like to hear from my wife that her goal is to be able to move back in the home by the time her parents move in January. She has stated that she's not sure she can get past the anger she has for me or if she can trust me to value her opinion and discuss more things with her the future. I'm committed to continue to work on that once she's back in the home with continued therapy so we can learn to effectively communicate when issue arise. It's the giving her space with the only contact being when we hand off our daughter that giving me the most trouble. I can't seem to disengage.

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Decisiontomake

Disengaging is hard - I get that - I feel it and ultimately I was the instigator of my separation so I can imagine when you are on the receiving end of that it makes it even harder. I don't have words for wisdom on this other than it's going to be painful, yes, and something that would require an unnatural reaction from you, but could be the ultimate way to find the way forward - together or apart. I'm sorry for your pain.

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evanescentworld
As far as I am aware, there is no country in the world that has this "absolute right" written into law.

They haven't dealt with the child's custody, legally.

There is NO legal angle to the mother having custody of the child. They have not come to any legal arrangement, therefore, the child is a ward of both parents equally, and the mother has no right to withhold her child and prevent her father seeing her.

The OP has every right as a father, to see his child, as much as his wife does. But she is exercising a prerogative that no law has agreed with.

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I am sorry wannaworkitout for the confusion and pain. What you have described is not all that unusual. Women often do keep things inside and brew about it over a period of time until they reach the boiling point. Men, on the other hand, often say things like "out of the blue" or "without any warning" my wife just up and left. This is rarely the truth. Men must be more intentional about communication in order to keep their wives hearts open.

 

You are at a cross-roads that's for sure. It is good that you are in therapy but it's not good that you aren't seeing your daughter more. The truth is that your wife does not get to make all the decisions about the care of your daughter. Speaking to a lawyer and to your wife directly in therapy can get that ball rolling. She does not have the right to keep your daughter from you and yet there is the bigger issue of your marriage that is at stake. Do you have a Pastor with whom you can speak?

 

As far as handling your anxiety goes, do you have a group of men that you meet with for emotional help? Many churches have men's groups, bible studies, and support groups that provide what you need. Isolation is a killer because all you will do is think about this situation and all the bad things that can happen. In addition to finding a support group, I highly recommend that you get the book Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It will give you invaluable guidance on how to interact with your wife. His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley Jr. would be beneficial as well.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I was in your position five plus years ago and ended up losing everything. I would give anything to go back six years and do whatever I needed to do to fix things before it was too late. Hang in there - things can change!

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wannaworkitout

I spoke with my wife last night and asked her directly if her goal in therapy is to try and work on our issues so she can be back in the house by the time her parents leave in January. Her response was "Friday's are the worst time to ask me hard questions". I told her it wasn't hard and was a yes or no. She said she doesn't have a goal and isn't sure if she is trying to get back in our home by January.

 

I sent her a plan on Wed that allows me additional time with my D6 and she said we would talk Thursday. Late Wed she told me her parents return from FL has been delayed and she needs to at least get through next week before we can discuss it.

 

Next week we are both due a fair amount of money and I fear she sent the plan to her parents or a lawyer and was advised not to discuss or agree on anything until they return. Once she gets her money I feel she will file.

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wannaworkitout

Blue..I have tried for years to communicate with her. Everything I suggested we take the time to talk she just got angry and refused.

 

I do have a pastor but haven't spoken to him about it. My daughter goes to school at the church and my wife doesn't want the word to spread that we're living apart. She has been attending another church with her parents and on the weekends that I have my daughter the two of us have been going to our church without my wife. My wife has told those at D6's school that she's living with her parents because she is ill. I've searched our small town for a group to join but haven't had any luck. I'm at a point now where I"m ready to speak to our pastor.

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I think her answer is NO.

 

It is her roundabout way of saying no.

 

You did a great job of being direct with her and expecting a direct answer. But do you see how she moved away from answering? A woman who knows she INTENDS to come home will certainly answer that question without being evasive...but she chose not to answer firmly.

 

My best guess is she isn't coming home...take action based on that.

 

So sorry dude - it's not looking good - but at least now you know and can take action on that non answer she gave.

 

You do deserve to have time with your daughter no matter what she is doing - so can you file court papers and request regular visitation so you can see your daughter?

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