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What is he doing to our son?!


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My ex and I have been divorced for 5 months now...but he has only recently had to move out of the house. I am the bread earner and he works from home and doesn't make much. Well, because he worked from home and I worked non-stop I agreed to allowing our son to live with him predominately. We put it 50/50 custody in the decree but I have just been very nice. I've been paying his bills as well....

 

 

Well, he's very very bitter and so sad. He's been crying non-stop and has really struggled packing up the house this week (while 8 year old son was around)...crying and having panic attacks apparently.

 

 

Well, I finally begged enough to get my son for a few nights...and tonight my son broke down. He was crying and begging me to marry daddy again...saying I am making him so sad. That all he wants is for me to forgive him and that I won't.. He was begging and pleading and said Daddy isn't going to be okay unless you pay his bills and get him health insurance. He also told me that daddy told him that I was going to make him eat turkey alone on thanksgiving!

 

 

My son doesn't want to leave his dad and visit me because he's terrified of daddy being alone and sad.

 

 

What do I do about this?!? My ex just says the kid needs to know the truth!

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What should I do? Should I insist on keeping my son more or should I allow him to spend time 'comforting' my ex.

 

 

I mean ...telling him that Mommy needs to pay for his health insurance?!?

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What should I do?

Mommame,

I might suggest professional support for your son. Your ex's lack of self-management has clearly unsettled him, and there could be lasting emotional damage/scars if not handled properly. Perhaps start with your pediatrician?

 

If you have the type of relationship with your ex, then tell him to PLEASE not expose your child to Dad's adult angst and money problems...it is emotional manipulation and abuse, even if that's not the adult's intention. Dad needs to express his adult crap with other adults, and practice extreme self-control in front of children.

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Well I totally agree. I asked my ex to stop that and his response was that it was my fault for breaking the family apart and not helping him sort through all of our old memorabilia from our marriage ... During the move. I hired packers and had them come but he was angry I didn't come go through all the baby clothes with him. He's very manipulative.

 

Maybe he's right?? I don't know. But I know that keeping my sanity in front of our son is first and foremost.

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This sounds pretty dangerous.

 

 

Google parental alienation. Its a form of child abuse.

 

I agree. Tell your attorney, possibly child services, and your husband that you believe that this is harming the child. But if your husband's tune is "I don't care if it hurts him as long as I can say it's your fault"-- then he's not in any psychological place to parent the child in a safe and healthy way.

 

The good news is that you can probably provide a whole lot of emotional support for your son that will possibly offset the unhealhty crap from dad. I recommend the book "Growing Up Again" by Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawson. It lays out what are a child's developmental needs at various ages-- and how you can nurture those needs, also what are harmful ways to stifle the needs. Give him the care he needs for his developmental stage he's in, and he'll respond very well to that. It will go a long way toward saving him from the trauma his dad is giving him. I mean, also get him into a therapist and/or call your attorney to see about putting a stop to this, but while those things are pending, YOU have the immediate mom-power to bulk up your son's emotional wellbeing. Good luck. Keep posting.

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HI Mommame2 - you are right, it is not healthy for your son to bear the burden of his father's emotional pain. The truth is, however, that there is no way that he can avoid being affected by the dissolution of your marriage. Have you contacted a counselor that specializes in family relationships? Have you approached your husband to discuss the impact this kind of information is having on your son? There is nothing wrong with your husband being broken and sad but finding help is much better than weighing your son down with a load he should not have to carry. Have you spoken with a court advocate? Your husband needs to see what kind of an impact he is having but it shouldn't become another source of strain and heartache for your son. Having an adult-to-adult conversation with the aid of a non-partisan third-party observer could be very beneficial. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May the Lord guide and direct you to someone soon who can help!

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Decisiontomake
What should I do? Should I insist on keeping my son more or should I allow him to spend time 'comforting' my ex.

 

 

I mean ...telling him that Mommy needs to pay for his health insurance?!?

 

OMG - that is dreadful. Yes, definitely, regardless of your job situation, you need to get more time with your son. 100%. He needs to have a sane parent within this turmoil that his little brain will be going through right now - he needs to see balance. You have to talk to your ex as well and tell him not only how unacceptable his behavior is but that it is damaging to your child - the one thing the two of you should be doing everything possible to protect throughout this. Divorces happen, kids get town between parents as part of that process, but there are ways to make it as easy as possible on them and your ex is not doing that. I really feel for you. As a mom you must be furious right now. Also - don't allow yourself to feel that you should allow your son to "comfort" your ex - your ex is a grown man who can lean on friends, family, support boards like this - whatever HE needs to do - that's not an 8 year olds responsibility.

Edited by Decisiontomake
Forgot to say something!
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I talked to my ex today about this and he said that he would try to do a better job of holding it in...but that he is struggling....

 

 

 

 

 

 

I told him if he's struggling that I should take him for awhile...so he could get it together. (I said it nicely). He said ...being away from our son only makes it worse ...so no.

 

 

So, tonight I'm taking our son for 4 days....my son hates the idea because he's so scared daddy is going to be lonely...or daddy is going to have another panic attack. Oh my...this is tough!

 

 

I am also hearing from my ex that he is "mandating" that our son is in Sunday school on Sunday. We are Catholic. I told him that I may take son out of town....but that he would at least go to church, of course. He is SO angry and says that he wants son in Sunday school..and no traveling.

 

 

This is MY weekend with my son...am I bad for wanting to take son out of town for a fun weekend? He IS allowed a few absences... Am I missing something here? Don't I have the right to do this?

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So your son has to volley between dad who's emotionally unstable and mom who brings abusive psychotic new bf into his life. Poor kid :(

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No -- my BF does not act the way I describe in front of my son. He is spoiled rotten and is treated so well.... In fact, my BF just bought my son a special plane/drone to surprise him this weekend...

 

 

I know my BF has issues (with me)...and I have to handle that...but, my son is not exposed to this craziness.

 

 

As for my ex? He's sending me pictures of when my son was a baby -- and pictures of the firepit from the fire he lit in "my honor" in the back yard...wishing he was sitting next to me...

 

 

I admit I have impulses of just going back to ex - to prevent my son from dealing with his father in this way... I don't like my ex and I can not STAND him knowing what he's done to our son and how he has manipulated me...but what is the future going to hold?

 

 

I don't know what to do...

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Can I ask for feedback here?

 

 

I am really growing soft over my ex. He and I made so many mistakes...so many. Honestly, he made far more than I did. We discussed divorce many times because I knew that I was changing and growing very cold and distant. We had been together for 15 years.

 

 

Well, now that we are truly divorced and now he is finally moving out of the house (I moved out to an apartment because he wouldn't leave)... he is so so sad. He's destroyed. He's sobbing. Praying..begging to have me back. Says he will do ANYTHING to get me back. He's heart broken for our son...as am I.

 

 

The thing is ...when we first divorced - he tried to ruin me professionally and personally. He told everyone that I was a horrible person etc...and that I cheated for years.. (not true) He just went NUTS!

 

 

Now, all he wants is to have me back. He's writing me love letters, and sending songs... and texting me pcitures of our honeymoon...he's a MESS. He is having panick attacks etc. And at the same time (as mentioned above) he's telling our son all of this.

 

 

I am obviously feeling weak. I hate that he's so destroyed. I hate to hurt him....and I miss our family too...but I am not as sad or as destroyed as he is. I just feel free and I can't even read his love letters because I think he's so PATHETIC now....he just seems so pathetic. But, am I wrong? Should I try AGAIN? I worry about what he's done to our son...

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OP, based on your other thread, I think you should be 100% single for a year or two AT LEAST.

 

You are still emotionally attached to your Ex-husband as well as struggling with this new guy who is so controlling.

 

There is a reason you ended your marriage but you found yourself strapped into yet another relationship too quickly.

 

Time to put on your Big Girl pants and stand on your own.

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evanescentworld
OP, based on your other thread, I think you should be 100% single for a year or two AT LEAST.

 

You are still emotionally attached to your Ex-husband as well as struggling with this new guy who is so controlling.

 

There is a reason you ended your marriage but you found yourself strapped into yet another relationship too quickly.

 

Time to put on your Big Girl pants and stand on your own.

I simply HAVE to second this.

I'm really sorry, but your behaviour - both your husband's and yours - is making me extremely angry.

You're both a mess. Your husband because he's an inconsiderate, juvenile, childish jerk who is deliberately manipulating you through your son and acting like an emotional wreck, (not to mention deliberately distressing your son and using him as a mouth-piece!) and you, because you are in a relationship with a man you KNOW is bad news, is abusive and controlling - yet you persist in exposing your already-fragile son to the potential of getting close to him - until such a time as this man reveals his true colours. And believe me, he will.

And your son will end up being emotionally, psychologically and mentally screwed by THREE dysfunctional individuals.

 

What the hell do you think you are doing to your son - the pair of you??

You do NOT involve him! You get him professional help, you slap your dumb husband upside the head (figuratively speaking) tell him to grow up and quit abusing his precious time with his son by acting like a spineless wimp and using your son as a pawn, and you ditch Mr "Wonderful" and get your female act together.

 

THAT'S what you do!

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My son has been around my BF twice....and only in a friends capacity. So, I've not really "exposed" him to anything concerning. My BF has a son that my boy loves to hang out with ....so it gives my son some fun.

 

 

I agree that I am not in the best place right now...my ex is just so manipulative and I am folding ...too often. I keep worrying that I am making a mistake.

 

 

But, I don't feel the same pains and struggles that my husband is feeling.. I think I just want him to be okay. I hate to hear him suffer etc. I want to take away his pain. And the only way to do that is to get back with him...which will probably just start the vicious cycle again.

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evanescentworld
My son has been around my BF twice....and only in a friends capacity. So, I've not really "exposed" him to anything concerning. My BF has a son that my boy loves to hang out with ....so it gives my son some fun.

Yes, but at some point, your son is going to see what this man is like. And he is going to develop the mind-set that his mother has a really poor people-picker. You can't just keep your son vulnerable to education of that kind. What the hell is he going to think about you, on the basis of the men you permit to ruin your life??

 

 

I agree that I am not in the best place right now...my ex is just so manipulative and I am folding ...too often. I keep worrying that I am making a mistake.

You're making a huge mistake by worrying about making a mistake. Which is exactly - BUT EXACTLY - what he wants you to think.

 

 

But, I don't feel the same pains and struggles that my husband is feeling..

Neither does he, really. he just makes it look bad when you and your son are around. It works better then. The rest of the time, he's coping.

 

I think I just want him to be okay. I hate to hear him suffer etc. I want to take away his pain. And the only way to do that is to get back with him...
He really isn't suffering half as much as he wants you to believe he is.

The more he sees it weakens you and is having an effect, the more he ups the ante.

 

 

which will probably just start the vicious cycle again.

Yup. And he will know precisely what it takes to play you. Because if he can do it once, he can do it again, and again and again. Which will be yet another great indicator for your son to assess you by. And his father will be teaching him the way to behave, when it comes to controlling women.

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OP, you are going to be so damn happy and proud of yourself (and rightly so) for the rest of your life if you:

 

1) dump jerk BF

 

2) go to counseling to see why you keep dating jerk/loser/melodrama men

 

3) never, ever settle for a relationship that has one red flag (be patient, you'll find one that doesn't, if you do counseling and learn to spot red flags)

 

4) raise that boy to be a loving, self-confident, gallant person with healthy relationships and a bright future.

 

 

And I know you're posting about what your H is doing, but subsumed within those four steps is dealing with your ex in a healthy, assertive way-- that does NOT mean getting back with him out of pity, it does NOT mean wringing your hands and telling yourself you are his victim. It means making sane and fair decisions, proposals, and plans for what to do if he turns down your proposals. No judging or over-explaining. No whining or listening to his whining. Just exchanging proposals and ultimately settling on one. You have to draw some boundaries. You're a mother. You don't want to be a grandma one day where your son has a series of problems and drama and heartache, his friends and kids and exes all have drama and heartache and financial anchors, and you can't ever have peace. You want to watch him thrive and succeed and have stability. There is still time for that but it's going to take a paradigm shift in your thinking. Best of luck, you have a tough situation but you clearly love your son and you can totally do those steps.

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Everything you have described is normal. Of course you aren't as destroyed or broken as he is because you were planning your departure long before it actually happened. Many people do unfortunate things when their lives are completely turned upside down. If you truly want to look into the possibility of reconciliation there is lots of help available. The National Institute of Marriage is a crisis counseling program that has three, four, and even five day intensives. Their success rate has been phenomenal. Over 80% of the couples who attend are happily married two years later. Almost every couple who attends is on the verge of divorce or already separated in some capacity. Google their name and you will find the website. For additional information you can send me a private message. Blessings!

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This sounds pretty dangerous.

 

 

Google parental alienation. Its a form of child abuse.

 

But it's virtually impossible to prove in court. Even with tens of thousands of dollars and drawn out hearings for months, you might not have any success. The kinds of people who alienate the other parent are often master manipulators who can easily deceive family courts.

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Well, the update on my situation is that my ex has hired a high power attorney and is trying to claim since he didn't have an attorney during the divorce he didn't "realize what he was signing" and is now asking for a do over. He issued a temporary restraining order so I can't leave the city with our son -- or take a new job -- and now he wants MAJOR child support from me. He's insane....

 

 

And he continues the parental alienation... and now wants to drain me dry.

 

 

He is also trying to prevent me from having my son around my previous bf. He is just trying to lay down limits.... like crazy.

 

 

Sorry just feeling the need to vent tonight... needing hope.

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So..you start dating other men while you were still married, surprised your exhusband with a divorce, and you thought this was going to end peachy for you?

 

He's not insane. You ended your marriage in a terrible manner and now you and unfortunately your son are having to deal with the fallout.

 

I would suggest lawyering up as well if you hadn't already and prepare for the hell your life will be for the foreseeable future as your ex tries everything he can to get to you one way or another.

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GirlStillStrong
Can I ask for feedback here?

 

 

I am really growing soft over my ex. He and I made so many mistakes...so many. Honestly, he made far more than I did. We discussed divorce many times because I knew that I was changing and growing very cold and distant. We had been together for 15 years.

 

 

Well, now that we are truly divorced and now he is finally moving out of the house (I moved out to an apartment because he wouldn't leave)... he is so so sad. He's destroyed. He's sobbing. Praying..begging to have me back. Says he will do ANYTHING to get me back. He's heart broken for our son...as am I.

 

 

The thing is ...when we first divorced - he tried to ruin me professionally and personally. He told everyone that I was a horrible person etc...and that I cheated for years.. (not true) He just went NUTS!

 

 

Now, all he wants is to have me back. He's writing me love letters, and sending songs... and texting me pcitures of our honeymoon...he's a MESS. He is having panick attacks etc. And at the same time (as mentioned above) he's telling our son all of this.

 

 

I am obviously feeling weak. I hate that he's so destroyed. I hate to hurt him....and I miss our family too...but I am not as sad or as destroyed as he is. I just feel free and I can't even read his love letters because I think he's so PATHETIC now....he just seems so pathetic. But, am I wrong? Should I try AGAIN? I worry about what he's done to our son...

This man needs professional help. You should not be leaving an 8 year old with him. If you are not exaggerating, you need to consult your attorney on what to do about child custody.

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That's exactly what has happened...he's hired an attorney and he wants to completely re-do the divorce.

 

 

I did not start dating other men while married...that's not true... I had already filed divorce when I met the guy I was dating.

 

 

The problem is that I've been the breadwinner -- and he wants to claim the divorce is invalid - because he's now decided he wants to take full custody and get child support. He's using my work schedule against me -- since he works about 20 hours a week from home.

 

 

I have already spent 5k in legal bills in one week. And we haven't even had a hearing yet -- where he plans to file an affidavit full of false claims.

 

 

He is claiming -- since he didn't hire an attorney in the divorce - that he didn't understand it...and wants to throw it out....claiming it's invalid.

 

 

In the meantime -- he's brainwashing my son -- 8 years old -- who is quizzing me left and right about where I am -- and tells me I'm constantly lying to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So..you start dating other men while you were still married, surprised your exhusband with a divorce, and you thought this was going to end peachy for you?

 

He's not insane. You ended your marriage in a terrible manner and now you and unfortunately your son are having to deal with the fallout.

 

I would suggest lawyering up as well if you hadn't already and prepare for the hell your life will be for the foreseeable future as your ex tries everything he can to get to you one way or another.

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You need to get your son into counseling NOW. He's going to be so very messed up. :(

 

And you need to go to the counselor too to learn how to talk to your son about this and what to say, and to mitigate the damage his father is causing.

 

And for goodness sake, no dating!

 

No dating until all this is cleared up and life is routine and predictable for your son again. That may be a year or more. Just NO.

 

I understand you are lonely, but that's what friends are for. You aren't ready to date, and it isn't fair to your son for your attention to be divided right now.

 

Right now, your son is on a dangerous path that could lead to many many bad things. He's your priority. Period.

 

As far as the divorce re-do, take that one day at a time. Deal with what you know at each step. Keep your cool.

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What you do is you get a lawyer and you go tell a judge that your ex is putting all this garbage into your son's head. Judges don't like parents involving their kids in their dispute. So go to your attorney right away and make it stop. Because now you're in a position to have to justify it back to him with more info he doesn't need to know and then you're guilty as well. Make it stop right now.

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