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26 years married 32 years together over


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As title states, 26 year marriage probably over. My wife changed in her behavior towards me about 6 months ago. Only son was going to college and so I thought she was just adjusting. Just before college she asked me to move out to give her space. I asked if we could go to counseling and work on marriage instead. I also said she was free to move out but I was not leaving. She moved to the guest room 2 weeks later.

 

4 weeks ago she came home from work and confessed to affair. I asked her if she was willing to stop and work on marriage, she said no. She did not say she wants divorce, but it is obvious this behavior is not acceptable to me. She wants to get the settlement agreement completed fast because she thinks I will hide money. Does not trust me.(lol). So I am working with lawyer to develop equitable property division agreement.

 

She continues to meet other man during her free time, although she is around here quite often as well. I have made myself scarce, staying at friends house some nights, etc, but don't think I am scarce enough.

 

I have been doing the 180 for myself since I suspected trouble over the summer. Our marriage was far from perfect, but we still got along well, enjoyed our time together, probably turning into friends rather then husband and wife. I am just as responsible for this as her, however I had no idea the problem was so severe. And she is 100 percent responsible for the affair, it would have been much easier for all if she just asked to seperate / divorce then start the realationship.

 

So I am very broken up about this, losing weight, not sleeping etc but I am slowly improving. I go to counseling and spend a lot of time with my friends. It sux but I am accepting that it is 99 percent over. I am sure with more time and if I continue to work on myself I will get through this.

 

I should have property settlment done this week. Once this is filed it is only 1 more easy step to file divorce. My plan is to get agreement done then go NC except for dealing with son. This will be difficult, since we are living in same house, I am going to encourage her to move out. If she won't I guess I may have to go although I don't want to leave house.

 

I have to admit, if she stopped affair and came back to me with the proper frame of mind, ready for counseling etc, I would consider it. I really don't expect that to happen though. I really suspect she is gone.

 

I have told some of my/our friends as I need them for support. She on the other hand has told no one even her closest friends. My son is in first semester of college and I really want to isolate him until christmas so he can at least finish is first semester without this on his mind. After thanksgiving, when my son goes back to college I plan to let the immediate family know so they are not blindsided. I am pretty close with my inlaws and they should probably get a little notice. Most of my family already knows so that is not an issue.

 

I don't really have any specific questions, just venting. At first I though I could live in the same house with her while she continues affair and makes up her mind, but for one I suspect her mind is made up and it is not healthy for me. I need to make the physical seperation wok so I can really recover.

 

Thanks for any comments, suggestions, 2X4s.

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All I can say for now is that I feel your pain my friend I really do, I had the rug pulled from me in July after 20 years together no affairs she has just lost the plot, good luck to you keep posting you will get good advice but I just wanted you to know that I have read your post and I am thinking of you.

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No idea what you are going through except knowing this is far far faaaaar from what you deserve after being together for 32 years. Sh*t man. No advice really except me liking you did take a stand by not leaving the house and getting a lawyer. Possibly try to get this over as soon as possible because this is hell for you and I am sorry for that. But do try to look out for your own interest financially and psychologically however hard that will be.

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Your son will adjust. But you can communicate with him directly. No need to contact Mom about adult son unless it's an extreme emergency.

 

Why not plan to take son on vacation over the holidays? It might be a good distraction.

And consider selling the house now. Divide the money and begin separating all assets now.

 

She hasn't moved because you aren't really imposing any consequences for her to feel the heat. Tell her family she's cheating and you're divorcing. Tell your son.

 

Separate all money now. Make sure all her debt gets separated from you and lay her debt in her lap.

 

If you have anything you value - take it now and put it someplace where she can't access it.

 

You've been easy on her (from what you've said) - start making her uncomfortable! She should be uncomfortable - she been cheating and lying to you. Treat her as the enemy at least for now.

 

You can't "nice her" back - so stop trying to.

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thanks guys,

 

beach, I have been calm and maybe a little too nice. However money gets divided this week once settlement agreement gets done. Then she has to start paying 50 percent of all expenses. This will be an eyeopener for her.

No hardball until agreement is signed. No debt to speak of, she has always been fiscally responsible at least.

 

Once my son gets the word, everyone will know the reason for split. I would like to tell more people now but want to wait til his semester is over. And I would prefer if he did not here it second hand.

 

She is very uncomfortable around me. Cry's quite a bit, gaining weight. She feels guilty as she certainly should. I plan to sell the house early next year.

 

I don't think I am trying to nice her back. However I could certainly be a little tougher. I admit I was in the beginning, but right now(and for the last couple days at least, I don't really think I want her back).

 

thanks

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Good point Beach, I have the assets under control. It does kill me how much she is walking away with, but 50 percent is pretty much the way it goes. She will end up with enough to probably support herself and the new man if she does not blow it.

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I'm so sorry to hear this, I am going through the same heartache. Just keep going, minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day. I wake up in the morning and say "yes! I made it a day closer to it not hurting so much. Keep telling yourself you will survive, move on and someone that deserves you is out there. X

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Why aren't you angry? You sound so incredibly calm and together it almost creeps me out*

 

I ask this because when I think about the impending D (which I am healthy about), I can be a swirling mess of jacked up CiH style, grade A, emotional mess. (now that I write it and read it, maybe I can come off as calm to depending on the environment...)

 

But you are so suave and even keeled. Where can I get some of that?

 

My point is, you are being smart and calm and in control of what could easily become an out of control stitch and I am impressed.

With that kind of attitude, and the continuing counseling, I know you will come out of this just fine. No. Scratch that, I believe you will come out waaaay better than your stbx wife and her toy (I mean boy)... ;)

 

CiH*

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Oh I am angry. I am sad, I am depressed. I am on the roller coaster of emotions that comes with this. Just does not come out when I am writing.

 

I have taken up yoga and mediation in earnest since this started, as well as going to the gym daily. These things along with going to the counselor are keeping me on somewhat of an even keel. I am also leaning on a group of friends who know what I am going through and are very supportive.

 

I have taken this as a wake up call to fix anything I can in my life in order to get ready for the new stage that is ahead. I have been getting long overdue medical/dental checkups etc. as well as starting to plan where to live when I sell the house.

 

I think the thing that is helping me the most is accepting that I can't change another persons behavior. She is going to do what she is going to do. I can't control her, probably can't even influence her. It is not my fault. Yes we had issues in the marriage(who doesn't) but this was certainly not the proper response.

 

I am trying my best to look at this as a new and exciting change in my life even though it was forced on me. And living well is the best revenge so I plan on doing it to the best of my abilities.

 

All that being said I am still a long way from being my normal upbeat self, but I will get there.

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I think you're handling it well, from the settlement to your attitude towards her. I didn't hate my exW, just didn't love her anymore after her affair.

 

Congrats on your considered approach and demonstration of grace under pressure. Hope you find the happiness you're looking for - and deserve!

 

Mr. Lucky

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thanks Mr. Lucky,

 

I don't hate her either, actually I think I still love her, but hate what she is doing.

Can't turn it off that quick after so many years. However today she has a day off and got up early to shower and shave and go meet the OM. I may hate her soon. lol

 

We did agree to the property settlement last night so I plan to go NC till my son comes home from college for thanksgiving. this should help me.

 

Funny, I lean toward being an atheist and she is religious and this was always one of her backgound issues with me. Rather hypocritical of her.

 

Oh well, this too shall pass.

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Keep doing the 180 and devote all your energies to staying sane, healthy and protecting your assets and relationship with friends and family.

 

She is gone.

 

I am sorry this has happened to you.

 

As things currently stand, there is virtually no hope of reconciliation so you must devote yourself to protecting yourself and your assets from her. She will be legally entitled to whatever marital assets the laws in your jurisdiction say she is......but no more.

 

You are not obligated to make things easy for her nor are you obligated to provide quarter and comfort for her. Find a way to have her removed from the marital home and let her start taking care of herself and managing her own affairs (pun not intended).

 

You too are also entitled to your share of the marital assets so never let up in the fight to get what you can.

 

If she wants to exit the marriage and have an affair, she does have the legal right to do so. However you are under virtually no obligation to pay for it or to support her in any manner while she does it.

 

She forfeited any help and quarter from you when she dropped her drawers for another man and declared her intentions of divorce.

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GorillaTheater
We did agree to the property settlement last night

 

I assume it included disposition of the house, so how have you decided to deal with that?

 

Reason I ask is that it has to be absolutely soul-killing to live under the same roof while she's catting around. The quicker you can put an end to that situation, the better.

 

You going to wind up screwed on alimony?

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Funny, I lean toward being an atheist and she is religious and this was always one of her backgound issues with me. Rather hypocritical of her.

 

I feel for you man. Actively rubbing your face in the affair by continuing it after you find out and while you're still living together is completely unacceptable. You need to absolutely put your foot down on that and demand that she either moves out or she stops seeing the OM until the divorce is final. Threaten whatever you think she would fear the worst and be serious about it.

 

I quoted the above because if she is religious then her family and friends are also probably religious, so public shaming would probably work on her. If she won't stop the affair while she is still living with and married to you, you need to make the affair as open and notorious as you can. Force her to reveal to the world that she is committing adultery. It's one thing for a person to tell their friends and family that they made a horrible mistake, but it's a whole different scenario when everyone knows about it and you keep engaging in the same adulterous activity.

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Justanaverageguy
Oh I am angry. I am sad, I am depressed. I am on the roller coaster of emotions that comes with this. Just does not come out when I am writing.

 

I have taken up yoga and mediation in earnest since this started, as well as going to the gym daily. These things along with going to the counselor are keeping me on somewhat of an even keel. I am also leaning on a group of friends who know what I am going through and are very supportive.

 

I have taken this as a wake up call to fix anything I can in my life in order to get ready for the new stage that is ahead. I have been getting long overdue medical/dental checkups etc. as well as starting to plan where to live when I sell the house.

 

I think the thing that is helping me the most is accepting that I can't change another persons behavior. She is going to do what she is going to do. I can't control her, probably can't even influence her. It is not my fault. Yes we had issues in the marriage(who doesn't) but this was certainly not the proper response.

 

I am trying my best to look at this as a new and exciting change in my life even though it was forced on me. And living well is the best revenge so I plan on doing it to the best of my abilities.

 

All that being said I am still a long way from being my normal upbeat self, but I will get there.

Yeah perfect mindset. That's the way to do it. I've been through similar situation - you will have your bad days and your good but if you keep on that path pretty soon the good will begin to way out number those bad ones.

 

As you said the key to moving on is accepting the things you can't change and being at piece with that - then focusing on what you can change and making that as positive and fulfilling as possible. I used that same mindset of looking at it as a bit of an exciting adventure. In life we can't always control what happens .... all we can do is control our reaction to it and it sounds like you are doing that as positively as can be expected.

 

I honestly don't know how you could continue living under the same roof though. That has to be tough. For me the healing really started once full NC took hold and you can really separate yourself from your ex and come to realize that life goes on and you can and will be happy without them.

 

Either way good luck - wishing you all the best on the process. And don't worry the light ahead gets brighter the further you get along so just keep concentrating on those things you spoke about and moving forward.

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Justanaverageguy
If she won't stop the affair while she is still living with and married to you, you need to make the affair as open and notorious as you can. Force her to reveal to the world that she is committing adultery. It's one thing for a person to tell their friends and family that they made a horrible mistake, but it's a whole different scenario when everyone knows about it and you keep engaging in the same adulterous activity.

 

She is not going to stop the affair. Thats pretty obvious at this point. My personal opinion is try and think as little about her as possible and get into separate residences as soon as you can.

 

Public shaming, slander etc that gets you no where. People will find out in good time. The best way to move on is to just concentrate on your own journey. As the OP said living well is the best revenge. Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.

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Always viewed the period before the divorce is final as 'limbo land'. That is a very hard time. Sounds like you are doing the right things with the gym, yoga, meditation, etc. Focus on your future life.

 

Avoid your wife like the plague. Don't move out. She'll end up with more of your assets if you do. Encourage her to move out nicely (wouldn't you be more happy on your own?). As hard as it is, you should be as nice as possible and only discuss business issues with her. DO NOT 'go off on her'. Getting angry could cost you big $$$$.

 

Hard to see now, but this time will pass. You will truly be 'on your own' soon. Be 'lean and mean' when that day comes. Have hobbies (new or old) that keep you busy.

 

You won't gain anything by advertising her affair - at least until after your divorce is final - and it could cost you more than the temporary satisfaction is worth. Once you get your settlement done you can tell the world if you want. Personally, I felt my kids positive view of their mother was worth more than any satisfaction I would get by telling them.

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Good comments everyone.

Yes no chance of reconciling. Don't want it anyway. The blinders come off more and more everyday. Our marriage was in trouble, however she certainly stuck a fork in it.

 

As I think I mentioned settlement is all but done, made minor mods, we both agree, it is fair. No alimony or child support , just a basic 50/50 split.

 

The living arrangement is a bit sticky. Need to get the house ready for sale, probably won't be sold until sometime next year, hopefully by spring. The agreement says we both have to pay for the expenses until the house is sold.

I stay many nights at my sisters house, she is single and I am welcome to move in anytime, however I am not going to leave and let her live in luxury til the house is sold. So we will be cohabiting for a little while. Apparently

she can't move in with the OM. I have already encouraged that. She is just as uncomfortable living with me as I am with her since she cries with guilt half the time(not that I care). I suspect after my son and the rest of the world finds out over the holidays she can move in with her sister fr a while.

 

Regarding letting everyone know, my family and quite a few of my friends already do. I needed the support. Her family is not going to be mine much longer so they will find out, but I don't care when. This is really an issue between me and her, I am not looking for anyone else's help.

 

I do believe that my son needs to hear the truth. For one thing he will figure it out when she turns up with the new guy the week after the divorce which could very well happen, Also since so many of my friends know he will eventually find out. I don't lie and will certainly not lie to him.

I will not be vindictive, he will just get the basic facts, and we will talk to him together. He will not hate her for it, and I will make sure he knows I am ok and moving on. It may taint their relationship a little for a short time, however they will be fine. He will always love his mother as he should.

 

Thanks for everybody's support. This thread is making me feel better.

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Big bear-hug from me. Don't worry about your son - seeing how great you handle everything he'll adjust quickly. And a stable shoulder is everything he could ask for. :)

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GorillaTheater
I will not be vindictive,

 

A solid, healthy attitude. But I still wonder whether your STBX has any single friends, former friends, or sisters you can start running around with ...

 

It's been said, but you're handling this like a solid pro. This hurts, and bad, but I see a bright future for you.

 

Time to get ready for single life: good haircut, good clothes, and a good physique. Are you working out? If nothing else, pumping some iron is a great way to burn off stress and anger and helps you sleep better.

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thanks No limit, Not really worried about my son, though he is parts of both of us he is my mini me in terms of attitude and handling stress. As a matter of fact, I think it probably drives my wife crazy that he is so much like me. When he was home a few weeks ago and still in the dark, he mentioned to my wife during dinner,

" Mom its mine and dad's code, we don't lie , cheat or steal" He has no idea how ironic that comment was at the time.

 

Gorilla theatre, Yes working out. Have been for the last few months since I knew something was up. Not looking to date anyone in her sphere lol. I actually have a pretty large group of male and female friends who are all pulling for me. And the female friends are already telling me about there single friends for when I am ready. I of course told them to chill out, not going to be ready til I am ready. And unfortunately, I have to rock the almost shaved head due to being a bit challenged in the hair department.

I have a nice uniform head though. lol

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So I am 4 weeks past dday when she told me about the affair, how she won't stop etc. Still seeing her too much, however that will end soon I think.

 

I have come a long way in my thinking. Property settlement all but done, slept great last night, appetite back and I have had 5 days in a row where I felt pretty good. I realize I am due for a down day, however the more good days I can string together the better. In the beginning I though I might have to go on anti depressants or something, I think I can probably tough it out now.

 

My first reaction was to try and save the marriage at all costs, I read divorce busters, etc and was ready to wait for the affair to end and try and win her back. In my opinion that is the totally wrong approach and since I put that out of my head the healing has begun.

 

I now realize and accept she is gone and I don't want her back anyway. Could never trust her again and the wife I knew is gone forever. I read a book written by the chumplady, and while it was repetitive and simple, it really did help me put the proper spin on the cheating. It also helped convince me I don't want her back and to put her out of my mind.

 

The positive and frank comments on this board help me also. I know I am at the beginning of a new journey, but after a good week I feel pretty confident I will make it.

 

For those of you at the beginning like me, listen to the veterans on this board. It does get better, you didn't deserve this, let them go, move forward. Great advice from folks who have been through this and are kind enough to hang around to help the newbies.

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"You will make it"? Man - judging from the sound of your posts you're going to be better off without her! No wonder why all of your friends get their single friends lined up in a row, they all want them to get a perfect piece of guy that's now free again. :laugh:

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I don't know how you could of stayed in the same house as her, the thought that someone had been inside my wife would make me want to vomit or strangle her then vomit on her, your a brave man I couldn't do it.

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