SamH Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 It's all so very sad. My husband works away a lot and I just found out he's been having an affair for 3 years with someone in a different country who he has only seen a handful of times, he's in love with her etc. we had been happily married for over 20 years, people were always saying what an amazing marriage we had, even we were proud of our marriage. We were best friends, amazing sex life( my god the day before I found all this out) he was very attentive and loving and I, our 3 grown children and everyone that knows us is in such deep shock. He is also heartbroken, says he never stopped loving me or feeling tenderness towards me. 3 years of living a lie, how did he think he could do this? He says it's all his fault and nothing I did wrong, he's going to support me etc. he moved out, I told him he had to go and h moved most if his clothes and work stuff out. He didn't want to go and kept hanging around. This was 3 day ago and last night he had to go on a business trip ( not to where the OW lives) I was supposed to be going as well ( trip of a lifetime to Australia) which I think is a blessing in disguise. We said out last goodbyes via text last night and I told him not to contact me, blocked him on social media sites etc. We will need to be I touch as we have three children ( 17,19 and 22) and a brand new grand daughter. I have a great support network and that is helping me at the moment, I've taken a few days off of work to get my head around what has happened. He is also heartbroken and grieving the loss, he's lost the respect and trust of his children and he's lost his wife and best friend, his home and extended family through his own fault. That's all I can write now, I need to know this will get better. There is no fixing this. He loves someone else more than he lives me. I am bereft . If anyone has been through somthing like this and had any advice please comment. Link to post Share on other sites
elgringo Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband says that he is in love with this woman he has only met a handful of times? I find that hard to believe. Most likely he is going through a midlife crisis. According to Dr. Phil, only 5 percent of relationships that start as affairs end up in marriage. And 75% of 2nd marriages end in divorce. The odds are that your husband's affair will not last. He will realize the sacrifices he has made for this affair are great and will be tortured with guilt. There are no guarantees, but i would bet that at some point he will realize he has made a terrible mistake and will want to reconcile. Whether you will want to do that is up to you. In the meantime, try to stay busy. Go out. See friends and family. Start seeing a counselor. Exercise is a great stress reducer. That has kept me sane while going through my divorce. Hang in there. You'll get through it. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Sorry for your situation. But you seem to be doing all the right things, and good that he is being reasonable about it. It's better than having him lie and fight you over everything - although that may start at some point especially when divorce proceedings begin. If I were you I'd change the locks while he is away. And see a lawyer to get an idea of what a fair asset split/alimony is for your individual circumstances. First consultation is often free so you lose nothing by getting clued up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I too am also very sorry to hear about your situation, I sympathise deeply with you as my marriage of 17 years ended this summer and I saw nothing coming either, why do people hurt us as they do ? when we wouldn't dream of hurting them, hang in there best you can it hurts like hell and its not easy but don't forget its always the darkest just before the dawn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamH Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 Bad day today, the sadness is unbearable and the anger is do much easier. Just an endless circle of grief. I have do many question but I don't want hear the answers. Thankyou for commenting, I feel So alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 So sorry to hear your news. Tomorrow is a new day and while some days will be horrific as you heal eventually you will start having more good days than bad. I hate to say but it does sound like he is having a mid life crisis rather than full blown leaving. Hang in there. Look after yourself, make sure you respect yourself and keep taking each step as it comes. Link to post Share on other sites
tobrieornottobrie Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling. Have you considered finding a counselor? It may be helpful to have an objective ear to listen to what you have going on right now. I will be praying for you and your family. ~ the brie's cheese knees ~ Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 SamH I am sorry to hear you are going through this, now that your out of the picture, he will be able to really think back and reflect, and figure out if he actually loves that other person or if its just a "playing with fire" type of feeling. You must take your situation and see as it your new awakening, your new life, whether he comes back or not, things will not be the same, not better nor worse, just different. hopefully he will come to his senses and realize what he wants soon, and you never know, he might come back and you might not want him or you might, if so you will both need to talk about what happened and why and how to fix it, should you guys decide to get back together. Just remember your not at all alone and most if not all of the people here on the forum have also gone thru the aches and pains of relationships and breakups/divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamH Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 I know I'll survive. I just have so many questions, new ones pop up every day, question I don't want to hear the answers to. I wont have any contact for at least 4 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 My heart gos out to you. My husband of 21 years said he does not love me anymore and we are preparing to divorce also. It is so shocking and hurts deeply. Abandonment is not easy but hopefully God has something good planned for us. I do a lot of praying and talking to close friends.I feel lost and scared, change is hard after all these years and so many worries come with this. I hope good will come your way and you find peace and happiness. Big Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 SamH, How are you doing? I know the first couple weeks are hell and it is was hard for me to function. I give you a lot of credit for committing to NC right off the bat. I wish I could manage that also but it is just not practical for another month or so. Seeing her does still hurt, but I can tell you that 4 weeks in I am feeling 50 times better then that first week. Nowhere near recovered, but I am eating well and starting to sleep again. As far as how he could live the lie for 3 years I think there are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those who can cheat and those who can't. Unfortunately my wife and your husband are the kind who can. One of the things that helps me is I don't look at my whole marriage as a failure. I loved my wife and life for the first 33 years we were together. I have a fantastic son and without my wife I would not have him. I am sure you have wonderful children as well and they would not be who they are if it was not for your husband. So your marriage was a success for a long time, just maybe not forever, similar to mine. I don't know if you are hoping to reconcile or not, but based on what you have written it does appear that he might come to his senses and return. I do hope you get the opportunity, whether you decide to take it or not. Hoping for brighter days for you soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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