Husband will not speak to me after my rage

[lostinhouston5]

Sorry for the long post,

Hello, I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have been married for 2. No kids. In our early 30's.

 

Just some background info, I was laid off from my job a year ago which caused some strain on our marriage. My husband was working longer hours to make ends meet and he felt that I wasn't doing enough to find work. Eventually he became very resentful and frustrated when any marriage problems came up because I'm guessing he thought the marriage was not worth the extra stress especially since I was not contributing to the household (he never said this). He would passive aggressively act out towards me when bills were behind so this is my assumption.

 

Several months ago he needed me to send an email from his account and gave me his PW. He has had this same account for several years. When checking the "sent" folder, I noticed over 100 emails between him and at least two other women from a few years ago, which would have been 4 years after we began dating. Apparently he had a full blown affair with one woman from his old job (one who I was suspicious about and he convinced me it was nothing going on). There were graphic emails about the two of them having sex and he told her that he and I were no longer together. They were in a "relationship" for over a year.

 

I was pissed!! I was so hurt over the emails because I had asked him several times about this woman and he told me it was nothing to worry about. This happened before we got married so I decided to stay since he was pretty much faithful since we married. However, that did not stop me from being suspicious. For a couple of months I was a bitter "B", I questioned where he was going, checked his phone, and sometimes verbally cursed him and called him a cheater. I was not able to get over the suspicions because he never really owned up to breaking my heart. Things were bad. Eventually we went to therapy.

 

During the first therapy session he said he wanted a divorce and wanted me to leave the home. He said I was stressing and nagging him too much. He wanted out. I did not resist and we went home like nothing happened and I was too hurt to bring it up. We basically avoided each other. Eventually he started to come around. He would do small nice gestures for me and eventually said he was willing to work on the marriage. I opened up and things were fine for a few weeks. Until we had another argument and he asked me to leave the house again. This pattern repeated for about 2 months before I overheard him on the phone with his guy friend saying that I was a bad wife and he wish I would just leave. I asked him about it and he was apologetic but insisted that he meant what he said but not how I found out. So I moved out the following weekend.

 

I did not talk to him for close to a month other than a few emails about business and bills. Then my birthday came and he called to say he missed me and wanted to take me out. He said he loved me and was happy were hanging out again. He mentioned that things would work out between us and he was happy that I was open to being with him. He was overly loving (We never had sex during this time).

 

Eventually I found a job and he became distant. He said that he felt used because I could have found a job before and so he felt that I was only using him initially. We had a fight and didn't speak for few weeks. Until he text-ed me and said I was the love of his life and he would never love anyone like he loved me. I asked why he was being so hot/cold his response was that he was hurting because I left him. We went through this breakup/makeup pattern at least three times (at this point it was 2 months after I had moved out).

 

I tried once more to make things right so I reached out. He was open to it and things for perfect for 3 weeks and we were talking about moving back in!!!! Then he seemed really protective of his phone. I asked about it and he flipped, he said that I was nagging him in the same ways as before. I immediately thought that he was acting this way because he had something to hide but I later found proof that there was nothing going on. Later that night he told me it was over. He said he could not do it and was certain that he wanted to divorce. I followed him around crying and begging. He called me desperate and said stop. I continued crying and he so he started verbally attacking me. Telling me that he didn't care how much I loved him because it was over. He told me to leave. I was upset and began collecting all of my things that I had purchased for the house. I sliced the couch that I bought, broke our wedding picture that was hanging on the wall, and destroyed a few other things. He got so mad that he pushed me out of the door so hard that I fell and had several scrapes on my hands, legs and arms. I called the police.

 

The police came and asked what happened. I showed them the marks from the push. I told them that it was he who broke the picture, damaged the items, and so on because I knew that it would be his word against mine and they would not arrest either of us because of the damages. He was not arrested for the damages but for domestic assault. He spent a night in jail.

 

This was 2 months ago. I did not call him afterwards because I was still upset. I waited a month and emailed him to say that I would cooperate with divorce and even offered to pay for it but he did not respond. A week passed and I began thinking he maybe did not respond because he was taking time to cool off before returning again like he has in the past, so I decided to send a more casual text asking if we could talk. He did not respond. I emailed him again yesterday to ask what his intentions were and he ignored me. No mutual friends and I obviously cannot stop by his place. I can only contact him through email/phone.

 

It has been 2 months since the fight and I started to miss him and wonder if we could work things out. I still love him and do not want to divorce at this point. He has not filed either. I am holding on to hope because he isn't rushing to divorce me. There are not any kids or marital property so it would be a clean break. He would not lose anything and no spousal support.

 

I am so confused and can not directly ask him why he is keeping things in limbo.

 

1) Is him not filing for a divorce yet an indicator of him possibly not wanting to end the marriage permanently? Do you think that maybe he is taking time to figure out want he wants to do and may want to work things out later?

 

2) At this point I want to save the marriage so I do not want to send the wrong message and file myself. What should I do? Should I continue no contact and give him his space or call him once a week to apologize and profess my love?

 

Any suggestions are appreciated,

LostinHouston

[LivingWaterPlease]

Lost, do you see the irony of your situation?

 

You lost trust with your H because he behaved in a way that was deceitful and your lack of trust became a huge issue in your marriage. (This is not to say that he wasn't at fault for having an affair while the two of you were dating.)

 

Your problems mushroomed then into your being deceitful and because of your deceit he spent a night in jail.

 

Imho, you owe him an apology for lying to the police about the items that were destroyed. I don't think it should be done as a manipulative gesture so that he'll return to you because I kind of doubt he will, but idk, stranger things have happened.

 

It seems to me the two of you aren't good for each other and that you have a lot of various problems getting along. If you were ever to get back together it seems you would need a lot of help from counseling.

 

You haven't mentioned your beliefs, but I believe in the power of God and believe that He could help both of you, whether you get back together or not.

[Dontfindme]

You should file for divorce.

 

What you guys have is an extremely unhealthy relationship: lies, cheating, on again - off again, violence, lack of trust - this is not going to get fixed on its own.

 

You keep coming back to one another because of attachment, not because of love. Nothing in this post made me think of a loving, married couple who were just going through a hard time.

 

This sounds like drama - the kind that will seep everywhere, and destroy everything. It's already bad enough with all of what has happened, but you really should not allow it to continue any longer.

 

Good luck, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear - but ultimately, you know this is the right decision.

[lostinhouston5]

Our relationship has been toxic over the years but I really feel that we love each other. I also believe in a higher power and think that God wants me to do everything I can to save this marriage. I don't want to make a mistake and file myself when there could be a chance for us. I do not want to spend forever thinking what could have been if I didn't. I agree that he probably will not return to me because of this, but I keep holding on to hope because he is not rushing to divorce me even though I offered to pay for it. Why do you think that is?

[Georgia2014]

Why would you want him back? You can not trust him he is a proven liar and cheater. He also physically abused you when he pushed you to the ground. He sounds toxic.

[Georgia2014]

Our relationship has been toxic over the years but I really feel that we love each other. I also believe in a higher power and think that God wants me to do everything I can to save this marriage. I don't want to make a mistake and file myself when there could be a chance for us. I do not want to spend forever thinking what could have been if I didn't. I agree that he probably will not return to me because of this, but I keep holding on to hope because he is not rushing to divorce me even though I offered to pay for it. Why do you think that is?

 

If he loved you he NEVER would have cheated on you and he NEVER would have pushed you like he did. If he took you back the abuse would get worse.

 

I speak from experience my ex boyfriend raped, abused and drugged me.

[Dontfindme]

Our relationship has been toxic over the years but I really feel that we love each other. I also believe in a higher power and think that God wants me to do everything I can to save this marriage. I don't want to make a mistake and file myself when there could be a chance for us. I do not want to spend forever thinking what could have been if I didn't. I agree that he probably will not return to me because of this, but I keep holding on to hope because he is not rushing to divorce me even though I offered to pay for it. Why do you think that is?

 

There could be many reasons; he may still be angry for having spent the night in jail, and doesn't want to deal with you at all just yet. He could be preoccupied with work, family, other women. Perhaps, he is speaking to a lawyer, and working on getting the papers out to you.

 

Just because you don't have the divorce papers on hand, yet, doesn't mean that you won't receive them. Hope is a dangerous thing in these sorts of situations, but I won't tell you to kill all your hope yet. You know the man, you should know how he is, and be able to ascertain a bit from that.

 

If you want to give it your all - how about giving him space? Don't contact him at all, let him come to you when he's ready. As you let him reflect, and figure out what he wants, you can work on bettering your life, without him - this will come in handy divorce or not.

[Minnie09]

Aside from the cheating, which he isn't remorseful about, there is a lot of flip-flopping going on which makes me think that he either has a drinking/substance abuse problem, or somebody else waiting on the backburner, or somebody he's waiting for.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Our relationship has been toxic over the years but I really feel that we love each other. I also believe in a higher power and think that God wants me to do everything I can to save this marriage. I don't want to make a mistake and file myself when there could be a chance for us. I do not want to spend forever thinking what could have been if I didn't. I agree that he probably will not return to me because of this, but I keep holding on to hope because he is not rushing to divorce me even though I offered to pay for it. Why do you think that is?

 

 

In that case it seems to me it would be advisable for you to take this time to work on yourself via your relationship with God.

 

Do you belong to a church? If not, maybe you could join one. I also suggest that you began reading scripture, a little each day asking for God's guidance before you read.

 

Since your H hasn't filed for D he may be thinking about things and considering what to do.

 

I would give him space, totally. Don't contact him at all or go where you would expect him to be. Just pray for him and pray for God's will for your life and your marriage. God is very powerful and He can bring you back together in His time.

 

If the two of you should ever get back together you MUST get counseling. I would make that a condition of getting back together were I in your place or else your R is going to be a repeat of the past and you'll end up broken up again.

[Yasuandio]

So he spent a night in jail. Big deal. Maybe he should try not to shove people out the door, onto the pavrment, where they get scratched and banged up all to hell. OK, you were enraged, and made a false police report out of retaluation, so what? Water under the bridge.

 

You guys are full of drama - that's the pull.

 

Let me give you some expert advice, from a drama queen I know, uhhhhhh, personally.

 

A. "Do nothing." And keep doing nothing as long as you possibly can.

 

IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, TRY........

 

B. "Do something different." And in you special case, make darn sure, whatever it is, do something different that is BLEEDING HUGE. Then, go dark, like nothing ever happened. Act "as if" everything is perfectly normal and nice-nice until you actually believe it. This very well might include filing for a divorce and following through. You have to follow through with anything you start, period.

 

Two good readings for you are the Divorce Busters Site, and Homer McDonald. See Critical Reading Pinned Thead at top of our forum, and in my sig. Stay in control of yourself, that is where the power is. Yas

 

PS. Terms "Do Nothing" and "Act As If," and "Do Something Different" are taken directly from advice of Michelle Weiner Davis' books entitled Divorce Busters and Divorce Remedy. "BLEEDING HUGE" is Yas' methodology of going waaaaay the heck too far. Use sparingly.

[mrs rubble]

Has his domestic assault charge gone to court yet? If not, He is probably not allowed to talk to you or go anywhere near you. So stop texting.

[lostinhouston5]

Thank you all for replying.

I do belong to a church and have been praying about this everyday.

 

Let me say that I did not call the police on him because of revenge. I was shaken up after being pushed and my first response was to report it. I would have had the same reaction if I was pushed by a stranger. It was not until after the police came that he reported the damages that I lied. I knew enough to know that neither of us would be charged for the damages because there were no witnesses and it was his word against mine so more than likely they would drop that. He was not charged for anything dealing with that, only for pushing me. He was arrested because I had visible scrapes.

 

He has gone to trial and it will be removed from his record after a few months and he is allowed to talk to me. I know this for sure.

 

I have had time to realize my faults and how I would do things differently and I feel that with one more chance, things would work out. I am not banging down his door apologizing because he is at fault to. I have already extended the olive branch and he has not called me to apologize for shoving me and I do not want to give off the message that it is okay. Honestly, not trying to keep score for immature reasons but if I were to call pouring my heart out in an apology that would give the impression that I was wrong for reporting him after he pushed me.

 

You all say wait and don't contact him. It has already been 2 months so what is a reasonable amount of time that I should wait without doing anything?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thank you all for replying.

I do belong to a church and have been praying about this everyday.

 

Let me say that I did not call the police on him because of revenge. I was shaken up after being pushed and my first response was to report it. I would have had the same reaction if I was pushed by a stranger. It was not until after the police came that he reported the damages that I lied. I knew enough to know that neither of us would be charged for the damages because there were no witnesses and it was his word against mine so more than likely they would drop that. He was not charged for anything dealing with that, only for pushing me. He was arrested because I had visible scrapes.

 

He has gone to trial and it will be removed from his record after a few months and he is allowed to talk to me. I know this for sure.

 

I have had time to realize my faults and how I would do things differently and I feel that with one more chance, things would work out. I am not banging down his door apologizing because he is at fault to. I have already extended the olive branch and he has not called me to apologize for shoving me and I do not want to give off the message that it is okay. Honestly, not trying to keep score for immature reasons but if I were to call pouring my heart out in an apology that would give the impression that I was wrong for reporting him after he pushed me.

 

You all say wait and don't contact him. It has already been 2 months so what is a reasonable amount of time that I should wait without doing anything?

 

Yes, he shouldn't have pushed you. That was his decision and on him.

 

However, you were two out-of-control people. The way you reported it was that he was the only one who was out-of-control.

 

He may be afraid to be with you again for fear the situation may escalate to the place where he would again lose control and end up in jail. The stakes are now higher for him than they were before this happened.

 

My advice is still to wait it out for however long it takes for him to contact you. That's what I'd consider a reasonable amount of time. And work on yourself during this time away from him.

 

Although I believe you owe each other apologies, now is not the time.

Edited October 27, 2014 by LivingWaterPlease

[tobrieornottobrie]

Are you still continuing to do any sort of counseling or therapy on your own? It may be helpful and perhaps a counselor could better answer some of the questions that you have. Just something to think about. I'll be praying for you, friend.

 

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

[Personally Me]

I don't see the urgency in filing for a divorce. You say there is no children involve, there is no financial issues either way and you haven't decided if it's what you want.

 

It seems you are using filing for divorce as a means to gauge where you stand and start any form of communication.

 

It sounds more like a head game and power struggle who files first and what the other will assume by that act.

 

I agree with many here that you both went through a dramatic event that involved the police and you both need a calming down period. BEFORE you do anything further.

 

And you need to answer why all the attempts to try again failed. Something has not be addressed and worked on that it keeps repeating.

 

I have reconciled with my long term boyfriend. I am doing a lot of hard work on myself, gaining knowledge and understanding so we do not repeat our mistakes. I hope it works out for us, but either way, I have to become the best I can be for myself. He will appreciate it but I will appreciate it more.

[bathtub-row]

CONTINUE no contact? Did you actually ever start? Sister, I'm here to tell you that no matter how much it might've been deserved, if you knifed my sofa and generally wrecked my home and caused me to go to jail, we wouldn't be on speaking terms either.

 

You never know, he might've lost his job over that little fiasco. The thing is, you're attached to the drama of this relationship and can't see how toxic you are for one another. If I were in either of your shoes, I'd want out if this marriage. Not sure what to say except that if you really want this insane relationship to work, then do the exact opposite of what you think you should do because it seems that your emotional compass is kinda broken. For starters, stop contacting him and stop begging. Think about what brought him back in all the other cases - you two stopped talking.

 

The part I think you may be missing is that you let him push you to the brink and then blame it on him. It might serve you better to stop worrying about how you can get him to do something you want him to do and start thinking about what you can do to become a more stable individual who doesn't destroy things and lie to the cops. Just sayin.

[bathtub-row]

If he loved you he NEVER would have cheated on you and he NEVER would have pushed you like he did. If he took you back the abuse would get worse.

 

I speak from experience my ex boyfriend raped, abused and drugged me.

 

Aw, sweetie. I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you're doing better. Hugs.

[Georgia2014]

Aw, sweetie. I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you're doing better. Hugs.

 

Thank you. I am doing better than I was 2 years ago but I do still struggle with all he put me through.

[SJS]

Why would you want him back? You can not trust him he is a proven liar and cheater. He also physically abused you when he pushed you to the ground. He sounds toxic.

 

But she's no angel...he was just protecting himself when she went ape**** breaking glass and shredding couches.

 

They are BOTH toxic.