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She left me - out of the blue


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My wife left me just over a month ago right out of the blue.

 

I thought we had a good strong and very loving relationship, we always walked hand in hand or arm in arm, we were always texting loving messages to each other, we enjoyed the same things, we could laugh and joke with each other, we often said we knew what each other was thinking and usually we did.

 

We have been together for 10 years, the last 6 being married, I'm 56 and she's 43, we are financially sound, just this year we bought an expensive motor;)home to tour Europe which has been our dream for a few years.

 

There was no sign what so ever of her being unhappy until she announced that she was leaving.

 

So, this is what happened. She told me just over a month ago that she was leaving, she said our relationship didn't feel right. She packed up all her possessions and went to live with her parents in London. I was devastated, in the first week we text quite a lot and a few calls too, I asked her to come back but she said no.

 

In the second week I backed off, feeling I should give her time and space. By the end of that week I had a very tearful call from her saying she had made a mistake and wanted to come home and that she loved me and we should never be apart again.

 

And so she came home, I was the happiest man on the planted, we took time out and had a wonderful holiday, everything was perfect.

 

Then after two weeks she said she was leaving again, she said her heart said stay but her gut instinct said she should go, and she went last week, back to her parents, but did ask if I would have her back if she felt different in a few weeks.

 

So I'm once again devastated and confused, I dont think she will come back again but then I thought that the first time....... will she come back again ?

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Sorry to hear of this Richie. Hugs (( )) to you.

 

Women don't suddenly exit a marriage unless there is:

 

1) Another man

2) Abuse

3) Deterioration of the marriage

4) Mental health issues

 

Chances are she checked out of the M a while before she made this move - see "Walking Away Wife Syndrome". There just simply has to be more to the story.

 

It might be impossible to predict at this time whether she will return so you need to take care of yourself now through counselling, exercise, eating right and oh yeah, implementing the 180.

 

Others will chime in soon. LS is a great venue for support.

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I'm leaning towards #1 from the list above. She may have connected (or reconnected) with someone in London, gotten caught up in all the excitement of an affair and now she's still caught up in the fog of the affair but is starting to see what she gave up. The problem is that she doesn't have either the courage to end it or perhaps she just doesn't have the courage to be honest with you. Her return back to London may have been because she can't handle the guilt of being dishonest with you. She may feel that she's just gone too far and can't repair what she's done.

 

Just my gut.

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Thanks for the reply's, its much appreciated.

 

We were such a together couple and every aspect of our lives was so inter-twinned it would be impossible for either of us to have an affair without the other one knowing.

 

There really isn't much more to this story, she's not a dishonest person but clearly has hid her unhappiness. She did say, when she announced she was leaving that she felt depressed and planned to seek help for that.

 

I so wish she would come home, everyday hurts, I miss her all the time, I go to sleep thinking about her and I wake up thinking about her.

 

I'm also very aware, due to a previous relationship, what its like to be with somebody you know you no longer want to be with and with that in mind I find myself backing off.

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My wife left me just over a month ago right out of the blue.

I thought we had a good strong and very loving relationship, we always walked hand in hand or arm in arm, we were always texting loving messages to each other, we enjoyed the same things, we could laugh and joke with each other, we often said we knew what each other was thinking and usually we did.

 

We have been together for 10 years, the last 6 being married, I'm 56 and she's 43

 

stay but her gut instinct said she should go, and she went last week, back to her parents, but did ask if I would have her back if she felt different in a few weeks.

 

So I'm once again devastated and confused, I dont think she will come back again but then I thought that the first time....... will she come back again ?

 

this appears to be more about coming then going, if you catch my drift? when you two "travel, does the "earth move?

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I feel your pain mate, my wife aged 43 left in July without any signs beforehand and I am still in shock to be honest, she too has been depressed and was having dark thoughts about going to join her dead father, this sort of thing is more common that one would think, I wish you well my friend it is a very hard thing to cope with, I'm not sure if I will ever get over it myself TBH,

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I would bet my bottom dollar that there is another man involved here.

 

She suddenly left - she got a better offer (or thought she did). Went to stay with her parents? Yeah right. Did you ever get independent verification of this (ie. talk to her on her parents landline, talk to her parents about it)? I would bet she was staying with the other man. Even if she was staying with her parents you can bet she was using that as an opportunity to spend more time with him.

 

So she came back suddenly. Guess what, things didn't work out with new lover boy so she came back to good old Mr. Faithful who was sitting there like a puppy dog just waiting for her to return.

 

Then the other guy decides he does fancy another ride after all so she's back in his good books, she ups and leaves you all over again.

 

The question is not "will she come back", but... "will you accept her back after everything she has done, and put you through?" because I guarantee you 100% that you do NOT know the whole truth here. No matter how much you think there isn't, there IS someone else involved, I guarantee you.

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I would bet my bottom dollar that there is another man involved here.

 

She suddenly left - she got a better offer (or thought she did). Went to stay with her parents? Yeah right. Did you ever get independent verification of this (ie. talk to her on her parents landline, talk to her parents about it)? I would bet she was staying with the other man. Even if she was staying with her parents you can bet she was using that as an opportunity to spend more time with him.

 

So she came back suddenly. Guess what, things didn't work out with new lover boy so she came back to good old Mr. Faithful who was sitting there like a puppy dog just waiting for her to return.

 

Then the other guy decides he does fancy another ride after all so she's back in his good books, she ups and leaves you all over again.

 

The question is not "will she come back", but... "will you accept her back after everything she has done, and put you through?" because I guarantee you 100% that you do NOT know the whole truth here. No matter how much you think there isn't, there IS someone else involved, I guarantee you.

Yeah.. I second that theory.. It happened to me same thing and discovered after one month it was another man, her boss.... When you say you were so close it was impossible for both of you to have an affair, could it be from work ? Plus, could it be a man coming from her past as well? Courage, cause I don't think you know all the truth...

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Well as I said Pete, we were "together" so it would be impossible for her to have an affair without me knowing .... unless it was with the invisible man. As for her whereabouts, every time I have spoken to her on the phone I have also spoken to her mum and or dad so unless they too have moved in with the invisible man I think its fair to say she is at her folks house.

Its a good piece though Pete, you should consider writing as a career :p

 

Thanks for your support Ralf, I wish you well and wish you luck.

 

Thanks for your response Miss C though it was a little cryptic for me but I can say at my age I don't do quite so much potting these days but my rotorvater still comes out and works fine (apologies if this is turning into gardeners question time )

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It is never "out of the blue".

 

You're not acknowledging or seeing things within the relationship yet that caused her to leave.

 

Start digging - there are reasons - you can find out why if you look.

 

My guess is another man = "a better offer".

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Hi Bluesandy, thanks for your input.... no, we work together thats why I know there is nobody else.

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It's really sad that the first thought on everyone's mind is that she is cheating. Even I myself, thought the very same thing but you never know what the real reason is. She told you she was feeling depressed, maybe she is. Maybe she's having a mid-life crisis and wondering if there is more to life than what you two have?

 

Do you two spend ALL of your time together? Do you have children? Does she have female friends or a hobby outside of her marriage to you? I'm just curious, because if she doesn't have any of that, maybe she's feeling like she's missing out on something?

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Its a good piece though Pete, you should consider writing as a career :p

It's just a shame it turns out to be true so often. And believe me, if I had a pound every time I'd seen a guy saying "no not my wife", "it's impossible", "she wouldn't have time for anyone else"... then I would have a better income than any fiction writer.

 

Well, when you eventually find out the truth, we'll be here to support you. Good luck.

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Hi Beach thanks for your reply, your right, there will be a reason, but the only thing that fits so far is Missteps "walking Away Wife Syndrome" which I had not heard about before but having looked it up it would seem to fit....so far

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Why haven't you pushed harder to know what is "really" happening?

 

If you don't have an idea why then you weren't close at all. She's keeping her truth from you. What are you doing to communicate with her? What was her reason she gave when she came back that week?

 

Do you two even really talk about the tough issues within your relationship that seem to be the problem?

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Thanks Raena, thats an interesting point. We are both on the "second time round" as they say, I have a grown up daughter but my wife never wanted kids but its something she now regrets.

 

We do have some of our own interests, she is a passionate cook (and a very good one) and has appeared on a number of TV cooking shows, she likes her crafts too, I like playing my guitar but I guess all these things keep us near to each other. We both have a passion for music and often go and see bands.

 

But our biggest hobby/pastime is travelling, it used to be in caravans but now its the motorhome, we loved it, we would get so excited planning our trips and would go at every opportunity.

 

Whilst we have friends we really wanted to do we we wanted to do, this was never planned but it just seemed to happen that way......

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You are focused on things within the M that worked.

 

Begin looking at what didn't work so that you can consider what needs to change.

 

If it stays the same and you don't change things she isn't coming back. She's made it clear that something drive her away. Find out what the problems are. See if it's something you can or can't change - or if it's something she needs to change about herself.

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Well as I said Pete, we were "together" so it would be impossible for her to have an affair without me knowing .... unless it was with the invisible man. As for her whereabouts, every time I have spoken to her on the phone I have also spoken to her mum and or dad so unless they too have moved in with the invisible man I think its fair to say she is at her folks house.

Its a good piece though Pete, you should consider writing as a career :p

 

Thanks for your support Ralf, I wish you well and wish you luck.

 

Thanks for your response Miss C though it was a little cryptic for me but I can say at my age I don't do quite so much potting these days but my rotorvater still comes out and works fine (apologies if this is turning into gardeners question time )

 

 

Dude! Do you know how many affairs have been started by reconnecting with someone over Facebook? And you don't have to have intercourse in order to cheat!

 

 

My advice, start looking for the truth. I would contact your phone provider and have them supply you an itemized bill for the last several months. See if there's a number on there that you don't know that pops on there a lot! Do a reverse lookout online and see who that number belongs to.

 

 

If she has an iPhone, then chances are she's charged that phone using the homes computer. If this is the case, then that phone sync'd up with the computer. Therefore, there's a hidden file on that computer that has all the text messages that were on the phone at the time she charged it. You need to download an iPhone file extractor to pull up this file and view the contents.

 

 

Time to start seeing what's REALLY going on here.

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Thanks beach and your right but unless she comes back then we cant change anything.....but here's hoping

 

Thanks Chi for your reply, and as much as a few folk here want there to be a 3rd party there just isn't one, we were always together so like i say. the only possibility is the invisible man.

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Thanks beach and your right but unless she comes back then we cant change anything.....but here's hoping

 

Thanks Chi for your reply, and as much as a few folk here want there to be a 3rd party there just isn't one, we were always together so like i say. the only possibility is the invisible man.

 

On-line emotional affairs happen ALL THE TIME and can be particularly powerful for women. Reconnecting with an old flame via Facebook is pretty standard fare around here.

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Thanks beach and your right but unless she comes back then we cant change anything.....but here's hoping

 

Thanks Chi for your reply, and as much as a few folk here want there to be a 3rd party there just isn't one, we were always together so like i say. the only possibility is the invisible man.

 

You aren't even attempting to see what the issue is.

 

And you certainly aren't providing us any info that we can help you with.

 

Dude, something caused a change!!! Why aren't you finding out exactly what that is? You can't work on an issue if you won't admit what the problem has been.

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I am jumping in to help Richie here, how can he tell us any more when he doesn't know any more than what he has witnessed and been told by his wife ?, also I agree with him saying that although people seem to assume there is always a third party that is not always so, I know this by my own experiences over the past few months, sometimes people or circumstances just change and people re-configure their focus on what they actually want from life including marriage, in my case the death of my father-in-law a few years ago was the catalyst for our situation.

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Justanaverageguy
Thanks for the reply's, its much appreciated.

 

We were such a together couple and every aspect of our lives was so inter-twinned it would be impossible for either of us to have an affair without the other one knowing.

 

There really isn't much more to this story, she's not a dishonest person but clearly has hid her unhappiness. She did say, when she announced she was leaving that she felt depressed and planned to seek help for that.

 

Oh boy where to start. :-/ Sooooo ..... I can see from your posts that you really don't want to consider cheating here but wow this does not sound good. Let me start by saying I have been through something similar so I'm not trying to be an ******* here ... maybe just give you a healthy dose of reality. Unfortunately everything you have said in this post sets my alarm bells ringing - LOUDLY. It sounds from your description like there is someone else in the picture. I would almost bet my house on it to be honest. Your reaction is par for the course with most guys this happens to: No not my wife ... she is a "good one" ..... she is honest .... she wouldn't do that .... I know her too well ...... she wouldn't have time etc etc etc. Guys turn a blind eye when it comes to their wives because they don't want to see the truth or admit their wives have sexual thoughts for other men. One of the funniest things they commonly say is "my wife doesn't even like sex". That one is a doozie. So as much as I don't want to do this I am going to give you a good slap on the side of the head and say .... wake up and look at the reality of the situation.

 

Married women who cheat and fall for someone else follow a VERY distinct pattern. It is quite bizarre how common and similar this pattern is among women - if you don't believe me read through some of the posts on this forum. Unfortunately the signs and pattern are almost exactly as you have described here. Your post is almost like a template from so many more before it. As I said I have been through this directly myself - so I have seen it first hand. When a woman - without warning and without valid reason - just ups and leaves he husband or long terms partner - without giving a proper explanation - without letting her husband know she was unhappy or in any way trying to save or fix the relationship. You know there is trouble. When she follows this with words like - "I'm not happy" - "The relationship doesn't feel right", "I need time to figure out what I want" or the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I would estimate a 95% chance she has cheated or at minimum has feelings for another man she wants to explore further.

 

Married women do not leave a stable, loving long term relationship in a whim- THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON!!!! They do not give up the emotional and financial security, stability and comfort of a marriage just because "it doesn't feel right". (Seriously - you took that as an answer ???? WTF ?) If there was valid reasons for her to be unhappy or for her to leave she would have raised these with you earlier. She would have asked for counseling. She would have let you know she was unhappy!!!!! Even now when you ask her she cannot give you a real reason why she is unhappy can she. Then she says she was unhappy for a long time - but - concealed it ? Does that really make any sense to you ???? A normal break up is obvious there are issues in the relationship that come to head over time .... there are fights, arguments and discussions. There is a reason!!! When "a good relationship" just suddenly breaks down overnight and the woman just walks away - something else is going on. Now yes that could be some sort of mental issue but normally that is just a cover .... 9 times out of 10 it is another man. The real reason she can't properly explain why she wants to leave is because she is having an affair with another man and she can't exactly tell you that. The reason she didn't make it obvious she was unhappy earlier is because she wasn't ..... she only became unhappy very recently when some other guy got her motor running.

 

Married woman who have an affair or "fall" for another guy generally act like your wife. They have been in long term relationships were the sexual attraction has faded somewhat over the years - a new guy comes into the picture who catches their eye and re-ignites feelings of sexual attraction they have not felt for a long time. They go down that slippery slope, start an affair and pretty soon fall for the new guy - hard. They think they have fallen in love and they end up caught in a "lymbo" stage which is where your wife is right now. Stuck between choosing between the strong feelings of attraction for the new lover .... and the "attachment" she feels for you - the long term partner. They are also incredible ashamed of what they are doing so they keep it secret. They can't decide who they want to be with so .... they ask for a separation to try and explore the relationship further with their affair partner in the hope it will help them decide who they really love and want to be with. Staying with her parents .... is really a guise so she can have sex and pursue a relationship with the new guy without you knowing about it. Seriously that's what this is.

 

Woman who do this are incredibly confused and torn between staying with their old partners. This is often why you see women moving back in .... and then back out of the home like your wife has. Saying they love you then the next day saying they are not sure again. They keep swinging back and forwards - unable to decide between the husband and the new lover. Stuck in Lymbo. Like I said not trying to be an ******* .... just trying to open your eyes so you stop looking at your wife through those rose colored glasses.

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as a few folk here want there to be a 3rd party

No, we don't want there to be a 3rd party. I would love to be totally wrong. But the fact is, there are many threads just like yours. And every single time, it always turns out to be another man. They all think they are different, but when the truth comes out (after days or months or years), they always end the same.

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