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Kids who choose to live with dad at age 13?


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I'm sure it varies by state, but my state allows a child to choose which parent they want to live with starting at age 13--assuming the child is deemed competent to make such a decision by the court.

 

Does anyone know of cases where a child was living with mom, either under sole custody or primary custody, and then chose to live with dad when they got older? If so, what were the details? Why do you believe this happened?

 

Just trying to gather information. Thanks!

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I know of one. His mother wanted to homeschool him, and he wanted to go to high school/8th grade. He figured out that if he lived with his dad, his dad's parents would help pay for him to go to a private school. Not sure why his mom couldn't/didn't put a stop to it, if she had custody, and I'm not close enough with the family to ask now.

 

He thrived in high school and I'm sure he did well with his dad, who is a loving father and good person although maybe a bit flaky. The problem was, he (the boy) had enormous, heavy, heavy guilt problems because he had "chosen" one parent over the other. No matter how good his family told him his choice was, no matter how much sense it made for his future, he really suffered from making a choice at all. Maybe that would depend on the kid though.

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My son chose to live with me right after turning 14 because he had a big fight with his mother and her husband and he felt betrayed by her. Had he not moved in with me he surely would have run away, be in jail or dead. Once with me his discipline problem disappeared and he ended up graduating from high school with honors, and is now in college. To this day he barely speaks with her except to ask for money.

Edited by JFReyes
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My son chose to live with me right after turning 14 because he had a big fight with his mother and her husband and he felt betrayed by her. Had he not moved in with me he surely would have run away, be in jail or dead. Once with me his discipline problem disappeared and he ended up graduating from high school with honors, and is now in college. To this day he barely speaks with her except to ask for money.

 

Would you say it was primarily because his mother was controlling? What exactly caused the fight? Was she just a high-conflict person in general?

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@M30USA:

 

I'd rather not disclose the details of a very personal and painful situation on a public forum. I can say that the kid was rebellious (as 13 year old kids are prone to be) and he deserved to be "corrected". Her mistake was in making her then husband do the correcting when it was her job. That's why he feels betrayed, because she is his mother and he's always been crystal clear about who his real father is, as I never forsook him. His mother is not a high conflict person, just a regular human being trying her best yet making mistakes, as we all do. But this mistake has cost her dearly. I've tried to mend their fences but in the end, "you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink". C'est la vie...

Edited by JFReyes
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TheBladeRunner

I was just hanging with my buddy today who has had this happen......funny thing is that the kids are at an age where they normally don't want to be around any parent :). I think it went this way because their mom is a creep and the kids know it.

 

Although their mom was more lenient, my buddy was there when they REALLY needed him to be. This has a lot to do with it as well.

Edited by TheBladeRunner
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I was just hanging with my buddy today who has had this happen......funny thing is that the kids are at an age where they normally don't want to be around any parent :). I think it went this way because their mom is a creep and the kids know it.

 

Although their mom was more lenient, my buddy was there when they REALLY needed him to be. This has a lot to do with it as well.

 

LOL, I thought that women can't be "creepy". Seems they usually get a free pass on that label.

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TheBladeRunner
LOL, I thought that women can't be "creepy". Seems they usually get a free pass on that label.

 

There are other words we call her.....but I wanted to keep it clean :D

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The kid doesn't get carte blanche to make the decision. It's one factor the court looks at to determine what the best interests of the child is. It's given heavy weight but the Court does not have to abide by the kid's wishes, especially if other factors show it would be unsafe for the kid.

 

Many times the kids do it to manipulate the parents: to try to game the system by choosing to live with the parent who they think will be most lenient.

 

I have a friend who has 6 kids: 4 he had with his 1st wife, 1 belongs to his 2nd wife & 1 they have together. the 4 oldest went back & forth a lot. He didn't really challenge the decision but when the oldest got hooked on heroin, he dragged her back. Even though she was 16 & kept insisting she wanted to live with mom, the judge agreed that mom's lack of supervision contributed to the drug addiction, all the kids had to go back with dad.

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The kid doesn't get carte blanche to make the decision. It's one factor the court looks at to determine what the best interests of the child is. It's given heavy weight but the Court does not have to abide by the kid's wishes, especially if other factors show it would be unsafe for the kid.

 

Many times the kids do it to manipulate the parents: to try to game the system by choosing to live with the parent who they think will be most lenient.

 

I have a friend who has 6 kids: 4 he had with his 1st wife, 1 belongs to his 2nd wife & 1 they have together. the 4 oldest went back & forth a lot. He didn't really challenge the decision but when the oldest got hooked on heroin, he dragged her back. Even though she was 16 & kept insisting she wanted to live with mom, the judge agreed that mom's lack of supervision contributed to the drug addiction, all the kids had to go back with dad.

 

I truly wonder what will happen with my kids. They are still very young. I currently live 2 hours away with standard possession (non primary joint custody). They have TONS of family with their mother. I have zero here since I moved to this state due to marriage.

 

The problem is their mom has seriously unstable moods and control issues. The grandmother is exactly the same. I predict that sooner or later they are going to rebel from her. However, I am the bigger disciplinarian. This sounds like a strange dynamic and it is. Their mom merely controls, but doesn't discipline. I discipline, but I don't control. Her and her mom viewed my discipline AS control but that was just projection on their part (pot calling kettle black).

 

Who knows how this dynamic will work out when they become of age. It's anyone's guess. I would guess they'd want to live with me. But the only reason they might not is because of their grandparents who live nearby, not their mother. I do believe my kids love their mother (of course), but sometimes love isn't enough when you are getting driven to the brink.

Edited by M30USA
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well this thread is actuall quite a difficult thread as this happened to me when I was a youngster I was with my mum from the age of 5 -13 then my mum got a new fella and I didn't like him and she chose him over me and my sister, so I moved in with my dad which was strange but very difficult as I was a very naughty child and my mum also couldn't handle me and my sister. but once I moved into my dads my mum gave up and I don't have a relationship with her at all I chose that because I didn't get cards at birthdays or Christmas or anything from my mother. so I chose that and I did try one or twice to make contact but you know what she shifted the blame onto everyone else even me saying it takes two people to keep in touch now her husband who she later married has died guess what yes she wanted to have something to do with me but nargh its not gonna happen.

 

 

 

 

also again this thread is happening sort of to me, when me and the ex split my ex left me for another bloke, my son argued with his mum a lot and she didn't sit him down and talk to him about his feelings and now my son doesn't talk to his mum. I even now no matter what I think of my ex still try to persuade him to build a relationship with his mother but I cant force him she has disowned him and its like history repeating itself. end of the day kids have choices and kids have feelings. and all you can do is be there for them when they decide there decisions whether its a good choice or not. oh and my son is 12. end of the day I am and always will be there for my kids but you know what and I see this a lot not just mums but many dads to, they chose there new partners ahead of there children and its wrong, plenty of tie to find a partner when the kids grow up.

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My step children (from a relationship years ago) decided to live with their Dad before I came along.

 

Mum was nice but unstable and they wanted stability. Mum didn't argue about it. Everyone got on just fine as far as I am aware they still do.

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My step children (from a relationship years ago) decided to live with their Dad before I came along.

 

Mum was nice but unstable and they wanted stability. Mum didn't argue about it. Everyone got on just fine as far as I am aware they still do.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what was the dynamic before this? Was the mom controlling in the early years and/or was there a big custody dispute at first?

 

It seems that mothers generally fight the most to control their children in the early years (1 to 12).

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