Very , feeling alone

[mia5]

My story is long and complicated. I've been married for 21 years to my high school sweetheart. Started life very early and life was about kids and mortgages at only 21. I didn't complain we had a great life. He drank after coming from work and I knew that nothing wrong with that, but as the years went by it was getting heavier and constant. Fast forward to the last 10 years. His drinking was heavy he was what they call a "productive alcoholic" never missed work and was great at it, but at home after work and days off he was drunk always. My kids were growing up didn't need me as much, I looked at him to spent some together but was always drunk or passed out. When he would be awake he was a mean aggressive drunk, our verbal fights started to get physical to the point my kids had to get involved. Home life was miserable I dreaded coming home after work. I blamed myself for allowing them to see that. He didn't care he said sorry, cried promise to never do it again and the following weekend the same thing would happened.

 

Fast forward to the last 2 years. Our fights were worst, physically my kids were getting involved, police called twice. I begged him to stop, change pleaded with him for many, many years prior to this not only me my kids too. He never did he never cared. Many years prior I would threaten to leave but never did and he knew I wouldn't but I did. I left to a friends house my kids now grown were ok in the house he never harmed them he was always after me. I knew he would never leave so I left plus he paid the house I would be able to afford it. I filled for divorce in march of this year. And have since met a man. We became friends fairly quickly oddly enough he was in law enforcement in family crime unit so domestic violence was right up his alley. He gave me lots of advice. But then we became more than just friends, I know it sounds awful but he was a breath of fresh air, he made live again enjoyed each others company. I had hoped during this separation my husband which I still cared for would change or get some help, but he didn't in fact for the first few months he got worse. I knew I just could go back or deal with that again.

 

Present time, our divorce is still pending and now husband had battery charge for recent fight we had and my daughter called police in which he spent the night in jail. He has a lawyer and I am in the process of obtaining one. I was doing everything myself but it has gotten complicated. I also just found out he is seeing a girl. They txt constantly and he spends a lot of time with her. I know I'm crazy but it hurt me so much. Why change for her but not for me not for us and the kids. It just hurt so bad. I never wanted this but he wouldn't change for me. He blamed everything on me says he never really was happy with me which makes sense I guess. He constantly calls me saying he loves and misses me and deep down I do too. I asked him to go to counseling with me which we've never done but he is reluctant.

 

I am afraid to take another chance with him and leave this man I have found who makes me happy, but is it worth trying one last time for the sake of the marriage? so much so many lines crossed with disrespect trust that I don't know if we can save it...I shouldn't even want to try...but I do

Edited October 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[amaysngrace]

How do you know he changed? Just because he has someone new doesn't mean he changed. It just means she has low standards. Standards that were once beneath you.

 

Please don't go backwards.

[Arieswoman]

mia5,

I am sorry you are having a hard time of it.

 

but is it worth trying one last time for the sake of the marriage?

 

From what you have said - no.

 

When he would be awake he was a mean aggressive drunk, our verbal fights started to get physical to the point my kids had to get involved.

 

Why would you want to continue with this ^^^ ?

 

He constantly calls me saying he loves and misses me and deep down I do too.

 

Maybe he does miss you as his support mechanism but he doesn't love you. I know that because he's been putting you second place for years, second place to a bottle. Now he's putting you in third place, behind a bottle and another women.

 

I'm sorry, but you don't have a marriage any more. Let it go and focus on yourself and your kids.

 

And, trust me, your husband hasn't changed. He is still the same nasty abusive drunk he was before and his new girl is happy to put up with it.

 

Good luck.

[kjohn]

So he met a new girl and seems to have changed? Well, that's not a new story. EVERY relationship starts out with both parties on their best behavior.

 

He hasn't changed.

 

A "functioning alcoholic" would not be able to change without massive amounts of treatment, which he has not received.

 

If this relationship he has with this new girl continues, eventually he will become comfortable enough with her that he will let his true colors shine through, just like he did with you.

 

You have taken the most difficult step of all by leaving and filing for divorce. The first step is always the hardest. Keep moving forward. Put your blinders on. Ignore what he says. Ignore what he does. Anything he says or does right now are the words and actions of a man who is terrified because he has just realized that he is finally having to suffer the consequences of his choices.

 

You deserve a life of happiness, for once.

 

The amount of work ON YOUR PART that it would take to work to try to forgive him, trust him, forget all the awful things he said and did (or didn't do) is not worth it to try to save a relationship that really hasn't even existing for quite some time anyway.

 

He has a relationship with alcohol.

 

You have the opportunity to have a relationship with somebody who might actually appreciate your presence in his life.

 

Decide that your happiness is the most important thing right now and stick to that decision. Change is hard but I think that you know in your heart of hearts that you won't be happy if you go back to him. You'll just be going back for more of the same.

 

I also divorced a functioning alcoholic. It was hard. We had been together 16 years. But once I got past the yucky emotional stuff, I'll tell you…..it sure is nice to get a good night's sleep and not have to worry about where he is in the middle of the night and when/if he will come home.

 

It really does get better on the other side.