Am I the only one?

[lurker74]

As my name would imply, I've been lurking here. I'm trying to make sense of my life as I consider telling my wife of 15 years that I want out. But when i read the responses to most of the posts here, everything is about the intentional hurt, the affairs, the lawyering up and making sure that you don't get screwed. It's all good advice for many, but it doesn't fit me. So here's my story in case there is anyone else out there lurking like I did wondering if they are crazy for feeling like they do.

 

I met my wife when she was a freshman and I was a sophomore in college. Right off, we hit it off. She's intelligent and funny and we enjoyed each other's company. We quickly shacked up in her dorm room (she had no roommate) and we have essentially been living together for the ~20 years since.

 

But I should have seen some of the signs. Sexually, we were not compatible at all. You can imagine how often a 19 year old boy wants it...in our hey day, we made love twice a month. I've always been affectionate, caressing shoulders as I walk by in the kitchen, reaching out to hold hands when walking, telling her how much I love her and how beautiful she is on a daily basis, if not more often.

 

But a few years ago, perhaps due to some situational depression, perhaps due to the lack of intimacy, I became frustrated with how often I said I love you and how rarely I heard it in anything other than a response; I became frustrated with how often I caressed her and how little I was touched; frustrated by how I always initiated sex and was often denied. So I did what any man does...I shut it down. I know...dumb, but us men are dumb for most of our lives.

 

But then something happened. She did not say I love you, touch me, kiss me, or initiate sex for four months. She did not pursue me whatsoever. The only reason we talked about it was when I brought up because i couldn't handle it any longer.

 

She's a great person, a wonderful mother, successful, intelligent, and reasonably attractive. But that was the day our marriage died. I moved out of our marital bed and into the guest room and she became happier. That was five years ago.

 

In those five years, we've had sex four times, three of them initiated by me. About four weeks ago, I had a dream that she was having an affair. In my dream, the emotion I felt was RELIEF. When I woke up, I felt the emotion you feel when you wake up from a dream in which you win the lottery and realize it was true. I felt DISAPPOINTMENT.

 

Later that day, those emotions - relief that she was having an affair and disappointment that it wasn't real - caused me to have a near panic attack. I have since been to counseling several times (unbeknownst to her) and am on the brink of sharing my thoughts with her. The truth is that I frankly don't WANT to fix it. I know that sounds selfish, but when something is dead, it's dead.

 

But I also respect her and will always love her for being the mother to my children. I just know now that I won't make it another ten years without straying or dying so why postpone the inevitable?

 

So, you see, sometimes it happens that you really DO love someone without being in love with them. Too many posts devolve that into a cliche and many times it may be due to infidelity. I just wish that society would admit that some people drift apart.

 

I don't consider 15 years and two beautiful children a failure, even though I know society will look at us and think just that.

Edited October 25, 2014 by lurker74

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't consider 15 years and two beautiful children a failure, even though I know society will look at us and think just that.

It takes two people to build a marriage but only one to tear it down.

 

I don't see any mention of MC in your post, perhaps it's an option you want to explore before you leave. Regardless, no one would blame you for divorcing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Decisiontomake]

I would definitely share your thoughts with your wife firstly. That seems only respectful of the history you have and the family you have built. I would also say that you're right re the "love" versus "in love". It always gets twisted on her into some kind of get out clause.

 

The worst thing we can do to ourselves is not listen to our guts - if you know you're not happy and don't believe things will change - then an amicable parting IMHO is what is needed. Some things can't be fixed. Doesn't mean it needs to be all arguments and plate throwing.

 

Keep posting. Advice on here varies but talking it out and seeing the different responses will help I'm sure.

[compulsivedancer]

I've read a lot of threads on here about sexless marriages. And it seems that it wears on you. You don't feel loved. For most, sex is an important part of a relationship, and the person who doesn't want it is denying the other person something they need. The person asking for sex and not getting it isn't the selfish one - the person not giving it is. Except in obvious medical cases.

[Natsu21]

I wouldn't put it past you that she might be having one.

[Lovelike]

If the two of you went to marriage therapy and identified a source of her lack of intimacy and was able to fix the issue, would you still want to leave?

[lurker74]

I would definitely share your thoughts with your wife firstly. That seems only respectful of the history you have and the family you have built. I would also say that you're right re the "love" versus "in love". It always gets twisted on her into some kind of get out clause.

 

The worst thing we can do to ourselves is not listen to our guts - if you know you're not happy and don't believe things will change - then an amicable parting IMHO is what is needed. Some things can't be fixed. Doesn't mean it needs to be all arguments and plate throwing.

 

Keep posting. Advice on here varies but talking it out and seeing the different responses will help I'm sure.

 

I do plan on sharing my thoughts because I think that feeling this way and not saying anything is the functional equivalent of cheating. Yes, I am not actually sleeping with someone but when every moment is a lie, the other person seems like just an accessory.

 

As to the other person who replied saying it's possible that she's got someone on the side, I wish it were true. It would mitigate my intense feelings of guilt. But I know that it is not. She actually came over and sat on my lap this morning in a playful - though not sexual - way. I had to feign a full bladder because I felt so horrible for not wanting to be that close to her.

 

I know the feelings of betrayal must be very difficult to deal with, but I have to say that the guilt of no longer loving my spouse is making me wish I were dead. I am not suicidal whatsoever - to be clear - but that's not the same thing as saying that I don't want these emotions to end.

 

I would be curious...if your spouse, former spouse, or STBXS were to tell you they wanted out, what you have wanted to hear? I can't seem to find the words. I know there will never be a good time - I considered waiting until after the holidays but can't wait that long - but are there any words that are better than ILYBINILWY?

[LifeNomad]

Talk to her about it, be open and communicate tomher, tell her, honey we need to talk about us,,,,is is how i feel....

 

Get on the same page together and both of you can make a decision togeter, about staying together, or not..

 

Telll her what u feel needs improvement, about what u want, and have her do the same to u, and both of u try to achieve that for each other, u might just need time apart,

 

Try to figure it out together man...good luck..one can argue your in a better situation than some of us to fix it if it wants to be fixed

Edited October 26, 2014 by LifeNomad

[Lovelike]

I do plan on sharing my thoughts because I think that feeling this way and not saying anything is the functional equivalent of cheating. Yes, I am not actually sleeping with someone but when every moment is a lie, the other person seems like just an accessory.

 

As to the other person who replied saying it's possible that she's got someone on the side, I wish it were true. It would mitigate my intense feelings of guilt. But I know that it is not. She actually came over and sat on my lap this morning in a playful - though not sexual - way. I had to feign a full bladder because I felt so horrible for not wanting to be that close to her.

 

I know the feelings of betrayal must be very difficult to deal with, but I have to say that the guilt of no longer loving my spouse is making me wish I were dead. I am not suicidal whatsoever - to be clear - but that's not the same thing as saying that I don't want these emotions to end.

 

I would be curious...if your spouse, former spouse, or STBXS were to tell you they wanted out, what you have wanted to hear? I can't seem to find the words. I know there will never be a good time - I considered waiting until after the holidays but can't wait that long - but are there any words that are better than ILYBINILWY?

 

Are you not interested in knowing why your wife is not a sexual person? You say you know she's definitely not cheating on you, but don't you wonder what it is. I'm guessing it's not an issue of attraction to you because, according to you, she's been this way since you met. Could it be possible there is a more deeper issue that she herself does not realize. Is marriage counseling out of the question at this point?

[beach]

So she's selfish, eh?

 

And you can be happy without being married to her, it looks like it.

 

So divorce. Stay friends and find a more suitable partner.

 

It amazes me how many husbands just keep giving loving words and affection to their wives without the wife making any effort. It seems a pattern here lately.

 

I'm inclined to think that men shouldn't show SO MUCH affection unless the wife is giving equal kudos.

 

That pedestal theory... Handing anyone that much power isn't healthy - especially while being treated as "less than".

 

And yes, she may be having an affair - after all, she's selfish.

 

Does she work?

[lurker74]

So she's selfish, eh?

 

And you can be happy without being married to her, it looks like it.

 

So divorce. Stay friends and find a more suitable partner.

 

It amazes me how many husbands just keep giving loving words and affection to their wives without the wife making any effort. It seems a pattern here lately.

 

I'm inclined to think that men shouldn't show SO MUCH affection unless the wife is giving equal kudos.

 

That pedestal theory... Handing anyone that much power isn't healthy - especially while being treated as "less than".

 

And yes, she may be having an affair - after all, she's selfish.

 

Does she work?

 

Interesting choice of words. One of the things my therapist has said is that my stories all have a common theme of never putting myself first and in this case, by putting my wife, and more importantly, my children first and leaving them there, I run the risk of serious medical issues. The stress of the last few years has caused me to have higher blood pressure and mild ulcers.

 

But even with that, I don't think she's 'selfish.' I think a better word is oblivious. We've talked about our relationship several times and about three years ago, she asked if I wanted a divorce and I said no even though the truth is I did. Today, I don't think she notices how much pain I'm in and how unhappy I am, chocking it up to work stress and just being a grumpy guy (which I am not, naturally).

 

Yes, she works, and she's modestly more successful than me...probably about the same level but with a slightly higher profile in her industry than I have in mine.

 

As to an earlier question, no, I don't really want MC. I honestly don't think that MC works at this point as I would be forced to reveal in front of her how much I would be relieved if she simply left me.

 

And that is the point. If someone would relieved if you left them, wouldn't you want to know now? Every time I am nice to her, I feel like I'm lying and that lying can't continue.

 

I know I sound pretty sure and maybe I am, but I'm sharing this story so that anyone else in my situation - a marriage that they desperately want out of even though the spouse is not a bad person, you have children, and everything appears OK to one half of the relationship - that there may be reasons to end it anyway.

[Diezel]

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy", look up Dead Bedrooms.

 

There's a legion out there of men just like you. You are not alone.

[Ronni_W]

I would be curious...if your spouse, former spouse, or STBXS were to tell you they wanted out, what you have wanted to hear? I can't seem to find the words. I know there will never be a good time - I considered waiting until after the holidays but can't wait that long - but are there any words that are better than ILYBINILWY?

There's no good way and, whatever words you end up saying, you'll still need to find your nerve and determination to start saying them.

 

You could do one version of your truth: More than 5 years ago I did a very dumb thing and shut down instead of trying to improve the things in our marriage that were issues for me. It was a dumb thing that has now left me without any option but to have to leave. There is no other way that is viable for me. I have just left it too late. I am extremely guilt-ridden and sorry for all the pain and turmoil that I know is coming for both of us and our children. You are a great person and wonderful mother. You will always be that. I am sorry but I have to end this for my own sake and on account of my own prior mistakes.

 

And more stuff like that. You don't have to even mention her mistakes, lack of this or over-abundance of that. You don't have to try to spread the blame, even if she's not entirely blameless. You don't have to say, "ILYBINILWY". I wouldn't bother mentioning what was/is wrong, because that just opens a door to conversations about trying to fix it...which you are quite clear about, you do not want.

 

You don't really sound "selfish" to me. You are where you are and you don't want to be there anymore. At some point, your own health, happiness and peace of mind has to be also important to the point of, especially your health, becoming your priority.

Your wife may be as relieved, in any case. If not immediately, then later on. One never knows.

 

Best of luck.

[lurker74]

Thanks for all the responses. I talked to her the night before last. I'm still alive but feel guilty as hell. She wants to give me space - whatever that is - and hopes/expects me to come back. I don't know. I hated seeing her cry. I agreed to MC but I'm not optimistic about it. I guess we'll see.

 

Thanks again for all the advice and support.

[beach]

You seem to have already checked out of the marriage. Just be honest with your W - counseling isn't going to magically make you want to be married to her again.

[Ronni_W]

I agreed to MC but I'm not optimistic about it.

I agree with beach.

Don't be such a wuss that you're willing to give your wife false hope just to try to avoid your own feelings of guilt and "hating to see her cry". Find it in yourself to man-up better than that. For YOUR OWN sake, also, because you're just going to feel worse about it, and for longer into the future. At best, you are only delaying your guilt...and at the same time increasing the amount of it that you'll have to feel later.

 

You WILL NOT feel better going through MC, and having suckered your wife into going to MC, if you already know that being married to her is no longer what you want for yourself for the rest of your life.

 

Nothing about it is easy. It all sucks. Once we're in it, all we can do is try to be as kind and gentle with ALL concerned, as possible. At its best, that means sometimes putting the other person's feelings and emotional well-being before our own...if we can somehow manage that.