Just feeling so unbelievably sad. Can't really talk to anyone so came here

[hms]

I sit here with tears in my eyes as I type this, and I'm at work!

 

This is a subject I really can't discuss with friends, because frankly it's embarrassing, and I'm a private person to begin with.

 

I'm in a 2nd marriage. Been married for just over 4 years. My 2 kids with my ex husband are both away in college. So it's just me and the hubs at home. We are both in our late 40's.

 

I love my husband. We have a lot of fun together, he's a jokester which I love, and we laugh a lot. While he's not overly romantic, he does bring me flowers occasionally, calls on the way home to see if he can get anything for me, takes care of me when I'm sick, etc. Every day he tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me.

 

In other words, we're friends. Right? Because the guy hasn't touched me intimately in over FOUR YEARS. FOUR YEARS. While dating, we were never overly sexual, either one of us, so it worked well for us because we were on the same page. I mean, we'd have sex once a week or once every 10 days and that was fine with both of us.

 

We married in July of 2010, had a great honeymoon, came home from the honeymoon and made love once, and then it stopped. Neither of us really can identify why. But weeks turned into months and into years.

 

It bothers me. There is no greater rejection than your husband, who you love, not desiring you. It hurts deeply.

 

We've talked about it. I am always the one who brings it up, because I'm the one who cares. He SAYS he misses a sex life too, but honestly he doesn't really seem to care. Sometimes these talks end with us promising to work on it, and other times it ends with him getting mad and defensive. I seriously think that if I didn't bring this sex issue up with him, we would stay in this sexless life for the rest of our lives, because it doesn't seem to bother him like it does me.

 

He assures me there is no affair or other woman and that he's not gay, and I believe him 100%.

 

I've told him that this is a relationship deal-breaker for me. I just can't stay married to a man who I have no intimate relationship with. I told him this about 6 months ago and have reiterated it. In that time, he has "tried." Like, he went to his doctor to have his testosterone checked (it came out on the low end of normal, but still in the normal range.). A few times a week, he'll have a beer or two in the evening with dinner, which he's stopped because he said that makes him more tired and less energy for sex. But still, there is no interest from him.

 

I don't want someone to make love to me who doesn't desire me, so I've also tried backing off to give him space. But months and months go by with no change.

 

He SAYS he's attracted to me and loves me, but he just doesn't know why he doesn't desire sex. So I really think we've just fallen into the "friendship" stage. He loves me as a good friend or something.

 

I know I need to follow through on what I said. This IS a deal-breaker for me. I am just so sad. I love him so much.

 

He has rejected going to counseling.

 

I guess I'm not really asking for advice as much as maybe wondering if there are others out there who have similar experiences? It would actually make me feel better if I'm not the only one. I've read stories of people who say they are in sexless marriages and they claim, "We've only made love 4 times in the past year," and I think -- I WISH!

 

Thank you for letting me ramble. Besides going home and following through on my "this is a deal-breaker", I just didn't know where to turn. I suspect I'm going to need some emotional support in the coming months.

[Lani]

I can't offer you a personal perspective on this as I've never been in your position.

I do, however, think you deserve a response to this thread, even if it's just to say I'm here. So are a lot of others.

You do what feels right for you, and we'll get you through the rest.

[PegNosePete]

Do you ever try to initiate, and what happens when you do?

[BetrayedH]

Last ditch effort...

 

"I've found a sex therapist that can work with us. Do you want me to schedule that appointment or one with a divorce attorney?"

[dumped2013]

Is he on any medication that could affect his sex drive?

[hms]

Thanks, and great questions. I have initiated a couple of times -- not many, because once you get a few rejections it is hard to put yourself in that situation again. When I try, he responds with, "I'm so tired sweetie. Let me just hold you." That's typically what I'll hear.

 

We've talked about going to bed earlier so he's not so tired….but it just hasn't actually happened. We'd be going to bed at 7pm LOL. He has to get up for work around 3am, so early bedtimes are typical for us anyway.

 

No medications that I believe would affect his sex drive. He takes the occasional Aleve or cold medication, nothing regularly.

 

He is a big-time long-distance runner. He's run upwards of 60 marathons and hundreds of halfs, so he does training runs a few times per week. But that should give him MORE energy, right?

 

In my heart, I don't believe he's too tired or has no energy. I just think he doesn't desire/love me in that way anymore.

[PegNosePete]

I don't believe he is really too tired either. I can count on one hand the number of times I have turned down sex due to being "too tired".

 

OK, so his words don't match his actions at all. I would go with BetrayedH's line. It's time to take action if he won't.

[tobrieornottobrie]

Have you thought about seeing a counselor by yourself, if, as you said he's not willing to go to marital counseling with you? That's a difficult situation to find yourself in, and I hope that you find resolution. Blessings, friend.

 

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

[oldshirt]

It's one of these things -

 

- a medical or psychological problem with him. Medication that reduces libido, depression, diabetes etc.

 

- a change in you that has caused him to lose attraction ie weight gain (like 50+ lbs, not 5-10 lbs) chronic harsh criticisms or judgement, public humiliation etc

 

- relationship problems ie poor communication, loss of respect, hurtful fights etc

 

- outside source of sex ie affair(s), compulsive porn/masturbation, homo/bi sexuality.

 

It's one or a combination of those things. A man in his upper 40s is still a sexual being and no normal, healthy man on the planet goes withOUT sex with a willing partner available for years just because he's tired. NOT. A. SINGLE. STINKING. ONE. Something is seriously wrong here and will require serious intervention.

 

I have to suggest a couple things. First don't ask and don't take his word for it but do your own in-depth, legitimate investigation to rule out an affair/porn/escorts/blow jobs from guys at the park etc. all cheaters deny it when they are asked about it. All of them. Make a sincere and honest probe into his computers, phone, emails etc

 

You need to rule that out before making any major decisions one way or another.

 

 

I would also seriously look into the marathon running. A certain amount of exercise helps the libido and energy and general well being. Chronic long distance running however can sap the testosterone and knock out the libido after a certain point. He may still test out in the low normal range but the libido may have been knocked out completely by the time it got down to the midrange.

 

The real clincher here is if he has no interest in sex, then this will not be important to him or a priority for him. He will have no motive to change.

 

You are basically going to have to blow something up to get his attention and get him to do something about it. He may not take you seriously until you have filed for divorce, moved out of the house and have a boyfriend that is riding you like Secratariate. .....and by that time you may not even want him back.

 

This is serious issue and will take some serious ACTION. "Talk" has not gotten you anywhere so far and likely won't now either.

[oldshirt]

 

He is a big-time long-distance runner. He's run upwards of 60 marathons and hundreds of halfs, so he does training runs a few times per week. But that should give him MORE energy, right?

 

 

Look into this more seriously. As I said in my previous post, chronic long distance running can wreak havoc on the testosterone and libido.

 

Up to a certain point it is beneficial. However many serious runners go waaaaaay overboard and really deplete themselves.

 

 

 

Also, is he part of a coed running club?

 

Running clubs are notorious for affairs within the group. I'm just throwing that out there for information to keep in the back of your mind.

 

The real take-away here though is his running may actually be running his dck into the ground.

[oldshirt]

Last ditch effort...

 

"I've found a sex therapist that can work with us. Do you want me to schedule that appointment or one with a divorce attorney?"

 

Unfortunately since this is such a chronic and embedded part of your dynamics, this is probably what it will take to get him to do anything about it and even if he "tries" you may still come away disappointed and still under-served.

 

4 years is a long time to overcome and correct. It may be easier and more efficient to just get some on the side or to just wish him well and move on. You are already just friends, you might as well just end the roommate agreement so you won't feel so awkward bringing guys home with him in the house.

[Raena]

What a really tough situation to be in. Really, you WANT your husband to be your best friend, but also your lover so how do you walk away from a really great friendship after choosing to marry each other? It's tough.

 

I was in a similar position, sort of, he wasn't really treating me as well as your husband is. He told me all the exact same things your husband is saying to you. He just wasn't interested, his libido was gone, his testosterone must be low, he just didn't put as much interest in sex as he used to, blah, blah, blah. The truth in my situation was that he really had lost interest in me and was sleeping with someone else. I really hope that isn't the case for you because it really was awful to find that out after being together for a long time and having a fantastic sex life for most of it.

 

Do your digging around if you must just to be sure there isn't more to the story than he's telling you. I'm not sure I'd rush to dump him, but he has to know that only once in 4 years is just unacceptable and something HAS to change. If you want it to change, you are going to have to force it. Don't accept the status quo. Push further into it and let him know for sure that this is just not working for you and if it doesn't change, you'll have to make some changes in your life so that YOU can be happy.

 

I think if I were in your shoes, and I was, I'd be thinking... is it worth it to end this relationship because of lack of sex? What would you gain from that? You'd be single and likely not having sex regularly anyway unless you think you'd be able to jump right back into the dating scene right away and be sexually active again right away. It's worth it to put every ounce of energy into trying to fix this problem rather than walking but it does seem like he needs an ultimatum or he has no reason to change his perspective.

[oldshirt]

On another note regarding the testosterone test. Medical tests screen for disease and pathological states. A normal range result does not automatically mean that everything is fine or that there is an optimum level of functioning. It means that a diseased or pathological state does not likely exist with that parameter.

 

In other words his test result showed that his testicles haven't fallen off. It doesn't mean that they actually work well or do what they are supposed to.

 

A low-normal result may show that there is not a disease process taking place with his testosterone but it doesn't mean that it is an adequate level to maintain his libido. He may need to be in the higher range of normal for him to have an adequate sexual response.

[hms]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate ALL of your feedback!

 

Funny thing about the running. When I first met him (we dated for several years), he ran probably 60 miles per week and about 5-6 days per week. Then he got a stress fracture in his hip, which was before we were married. He's recovered, but he's slowed down his running quite a bit from that. Now he runs about 2-3 mornings per week, for about 10 miles each. He has a few races per year.

 

If lack of interest in me wasn't bad enough, I've seen things that are important to him and how he'll fight to keep them in his life. His running is important, so he rearranges his schedule to make SURE he gets it in, no matter the weather or the inconvenience. He has an elderly mother who lives alone about 30 minutes away, and he will rearrange everything to make sure he can get there a few times a week to help her, take her shopping, etc. But yet a sexual relationship with me isn't worth his effort.

 

It goes deeper than "no sex." While I'd never want to, I could live with "no sex."(I am anyway!!!! ha ha) What hurts is his lack of desire for me. I mean, if he had some sort of horrible condition that made him unable to have sex, I would never consider leaving him. But when a man who supposedly loves me, and who I love, has zero interest in me physically -- that's a deal breaker. So being single and not having sex doesn't really bother me. But having a husband who is not sexually attracted to me is not ok.

[Catfish]

Hms,

 

I've been there. My numbers were low normal but desire and function were impaired. My regular Doctor was not really helpful. I went to a Urologist and that made the difference. I was put on TRT(Testosterone Replacement Therapy) and my Dosages were adjusted and it made a huge difference. It was like a roller coaster at first! It settled down as I reached a level that worked for me. I get retested every 90 days to check my level.

 

After my levels balanced it was like a fog cleared and my passion returned. It was like night and day!

 

Get you Husband to a Urologist and get on TRT. Just a note Testosterone helps with Desire and Passion. Cialis/Viagra Pills cover function. With my levels increased I saw a return of function without the Pills. With the Pills it's like I'm 25 again. Amazing!

 

I included my wife in the process and showed her the Blood Test results. It helped her understand the changes I was going through. And there will be BIG changes.

 

Don't give up! Get your Husband to a Urologist and on TRT.

Edited October 23, 2014 by Catfish
Extra word

[oldshirt]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate ALL of your feedback!

 

Funny thing about the running. When I first met him (we dated for several years), he ran probably 60 miles per week and about 5-6 days per week. Then he got a stress fracture in his hip, which was before we were married. He's recovered, but he's slowed down his running quite a bit from that. Now he runs about 2-3 mornings per week, for about 10 miles each. He has a few races per year.

 

but remember he's older now and once you're in your upper 40s things can change quickly. His body may not be able to keep up with 10 mile runs the way it did with 60 mile weeks years ago.

 

 

If lack of interest in me wasn't bad enough, I've seen things that are important to him and how he'll fight to keep them in his life. His running is important, so he rearranges his schedule to make SURE he gets it in, no matter the weather or the inconvenience. He has an elderly mother who lives alone about 30 minutes away, and he will rearrange everything to make sure he can get there a few times a week to help her, take her shopping, etc. But yet a sexual relationship with me isn't worth his effort.

 

 

as I said before, if he has no desire, he'll have no motivation to change. You're going to have to blow something up and he will have to experience a loss before he takes it seriously enough to take any action on it.

 

That sucks, but that's often the way it is.

 

 

It goes deeper than "no sex." While I'd never want to, I could live with "no sex."(I am anyway!!!! ha ha) What hurts is his lack of desire for me. I mean, if he had some sort of horrible condition that made him unable to have sex, I would never consider leaving him. But when a man who supposedly loves me, and who I love, has zero interest in me physically -- that's a deal breaker. So being single and not having sex doesn't really bother me. But having a husband who is not sexually attracted to me is not ok.

 

when you are single every day is a new day. Every day has the potential to meet someone and start anew. When you are single you can do whatever you want with whoever you want whenever you want.

 

When you are in a sexless marriage you are just plain stuck and have no options. When you are single you can have hope that things can change in an instant. When you are married to a dud you know each day is going to be just like the last.

 

If you are sexless, single is better....period.

 

 

 

 

Responses above

[Mr. Lucky]

It's one or a combination of those things. A man in his upper 40s is still a sexual being and no normal, healthy man on the planet goes withOUT sex with a willing partner available for years just because he's tired. NOT. A. SINGLE. STINKING. ONE.

I guarantee he's had an orgasm in the last 4 years. The questions are - how? when? with whom?

 

Sorry hms, but you might as well be posting he's been teleporting to work the last 4 years. Don't believe it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

I wouldn't compare his willingness to run and inclination to care for a relative with his unwillingness to have sex with you. I think that that is going to mislead you in your mind, and is a completely inaccurate way to think of things. You're in pain, but you also need to have accuracy and clear perspective. People do not by and large live their lives with a giant "list" of priorities, and go down the line duly doing the most important things first. It's more complicated than that. People frequently, in fact, destroy and sabotage the very things that are most important to them. They sometimes do the easiest things first, or the most habitual, or the most addictive. Your husband does not compare you to his running, I can almost guarantee it. INstead, it's a different problem, separate from his other parts of his life that are relatively going well.

 

I think that what you are expressing with that comparison though, is "I want to be important to my spouse. I want to feel loved, to be wanted, to know that I have a connection." And you should!! And of course you're confused. For me, the concerning thing is that your h is apparently not enlightening you about what's going on. Why won't he discuss it?