Jump to content

Losing Friends in a Divorce


Recommended Posts

I am 4 years post-divorce and I lost a very good friend when I got divorced.

 

Her husband has been very good friends with my ex since middle school and she has been very good friends with my ex since high school. I did not meet them until I met my ex, so if it was a case of feeling like they needed to pick sides I guess I understand them choosing him over me, but here is what makes the situation a little more hurtful for me…

 

I had been friends with both the husband and the wife for 16 years. That is a long friendship to lose.

 

When she found out that her sister had breast cancer, I was the first person she came to for comfort.

 

When I confirmed my suspicions that my ex was cheating, it was their house that I went to. I fell apart, sobbing hysterically in their back yard and they were so wonderful and did their best to try and comfort me. They were just as shocked as I was.

 

We all knew the woman he was cheating with and I will never forget my friend telling me that she never liked it when her husband was around that woman either because she never trusted her. She said she could never quite put her finger on why, but she just never liked her and never trusted her.

 

Throughout my divorce, they both checked on me since we live very close to each other. It was nice to feel like they truly cared about me and were concerned for my well-being.

 

I was very careful with what I said to them, knowing that they were still friends with my ex and not wanting to put them in middle or make them uncomfortable.

 

While my divorce was pending, my friend had a ladies' night at her house. She insisted that I come. Even though I didn't quite feel up to a party, I went. At one point during the evening I noticed that her husband was out in the back yard by the bonfire so I decided to go back there to talk to him. We were standing by the fire talking when his phone rang. It was his wife, my "friend" calling him from inside the house.

 

When he hung up the phone he looked at me with this really hurt look on his face and said "I'm not sure how to handle this so I'm just going to tell you….she doesn't want me out here alone with you. She's afraid that now that you are single and hurting, that you will come after me."

 

WHAT???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I was furious and devastated. How could she think that I would do that?

 

I tried to go back into the house and pretend that nothing was wrong, but I couldn't hold it together so I left without saying goodbye. I admit that was rude of me, but I was about to fall into hysterics and I didn't want to ruin her party. She was busy with her other guests and I was so upset that I wasn't thinking clearly so I just left.

 

A few days later her husband sent me a text to make sure I was ok. I said I was fine and thanked him for asking. That was it. One text from him. One text from me. Nothing inappropriate.

 

The next thing I know she unfriended me on Facebook.

 

I sent her an email to ask her why she had done that and to offer an apology for anything that I did that might have upset her. Maybe she was mad at me for leaving her party. Maybe she was mad at me for texting her husband. There was no other reason that I knew of that she would be upset with me. I asked if we could meet in person to clear anything up that might need clearing. She never responded.

 

So I let it go and moved on with my life.

 

I remained friends with her sister, her brother-in-law and her father on Facebook and we interacted often. We were very good friends so I knew her family well.

 

Now it is 4 years later and last night I realized that her sister (who is also her best friend in the world) recently unfriended me. That realization prompted me to do a little more looking and I discovered that my former friend blocked me!

 

Obviously I am still not over the hurt because that discovery has really got me bothered.

 

Why would she feel the need to block me? I have never once tried to communicate with her in any way. I don't air my dirty laundry on Facebook, so it's not like there would be things that she didn't want to read. I've never posted a single thing about my ex. I'm not that kind of person. The only thing that she would see from me would be comments made on the posts of friends that we have in common….and those have all been completely innocent….usually posts about their kids. Do I digest her that much for some unknown reason that she can't even stand to see my name?

 

So now, she and her husband are really close friends with my ex and his new wife, the woman he cheated on me with….the same woman that my former friend said she never liked and never trusted and did not want her husband to be around, and I am unfriended and now blocked.

 

Maybe it's my Type A personality and my need for answers, I don't know. Maybe it's just that it sucks to lose and friend and then be replaced by somebody who you don't care for. I'm not sure exactly why this still bothers me, but apparently it does.

 

Any words of wisdom?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, your ex-friend is a psycho. She doesn't trust her husband around single women. The OW was untrusted because she was single at the time, but now she's with your ex, her presence is accepted. Unfortunately her distrust of her husband around any single woman, was more powerful than her friendship with you.

 

Fortunately for you, facebook blocks mean absolutely nothing. You don't get fined or something, because someone blocked you. So who cares? Not like you wanted to be her friend after the way she treated you, is it?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

kjohn,

I'm afraid that your situation is all too common. It shouldn't be, but it is.

 

Some married women are of the mindset that because someone "stole" your husband, then the first thing you'll do, given the opportunity, is to "steal" theirs.

It happened to me when I got divorced as none of my married friends wanted me around anymore. I stopped getting invites to parties/BBQs/luncheons etc. I just told myself it was "their loss" but it still hurt.

 

Don't get upset about these so-called "friends", they aren't worth your time. Really they did you a favour showing you who they really are.

 

Move on, take up new hobbies/interests and choose to be with people who value your company.

 

Good luck

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
kjohn,

I'm afraid that your situation is all too common. It shouldn't be, but it is.

 

Some married women are of the mindset that because someone "stole" your husband, then the first thing you'll do, given the opportunity, is to "steal" theirs.

It happened to me when I got divorced as none of my married friends wanted me around anymore. I stopped getting invites to parties/BBQs/luncheons etc. I just told myself it was "their loss" but it still hurt.

 

Don't get upset about these so-called "friends", they aren't worth your time. Really they did you a favour showing you who they really are.

 

Move on, take up new hobbies/interests and choose to be with people who value your company.

 

Good luck

 

I wish I could say this isn't common, but it is. Once people knew I was in a new LTR they suddenly flooded me with invites again, dinner parties, play dates, you name it. People examine their own relationships when they see yours fall apart. And the truth is, it makes a lot of people realize how vulnerable their taken-for-granted marriage might be. And they start to guard it accordingly.

 

Try to rise above it and understand the reasons why without taking their new-found skepticism to heart. You are a good person. Perhaps life juggling a dear friends old flame and new flame became too difficult or something as simple as that. The point is, you're free to choose who you want to be friends with now, since the man who introduced you is living his life apart. You are free to choose friends that don't carry so much emotional baggage.

 

You can have a lighter life without all that lifting.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

You guys are all correct, of course.

 

Thanks for reminding me that I'm not the only one who had to deal with this.

 

As I said, my divorce and the end of this friendship happened 4 years ago and I did move on with some amazing friends who came with me and some new ones who were acquaintances who stepped up to the plate when they found out I was hurting.

 

I guess the realization last night that she went to the length of blocking me on Facebook just poured a little salt in that wound that I thought had healed.

 

Moving on. Thanks for listening. :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It has nothing to do with you, an everything with them.

Maybe she was even embarrassed about her overreaction at ther party. She obviously knows that her H told you about the phone call and what was said.

When people are embarrassed they do the weirdest things that don't make sense. Also, the bad OW is now no longer single, so no threat there. So it's easier for your former friend to include her rather than you, I guess.

At the end of the day........if there's anything else that bothers her about you, especially if it requires such drastic measures as blocking you on FB (??), and she doesn't talk about it with you - well then there's obvioulsy something wrong with her. Also, you never know what is said ABOUT you by you exH and the OW, now wife. You have no influence on that, unfortunately, and cannot defend yourself. People believe what they want to believe anyways.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
People examine their own relationships when they see yours fall apart. And the truth is, it makes a lot of people realize how vulnerable their taken-for-granted marriage might be. And they start to guard it accordingly.

 

You summed it up very astutley, EverySunset :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Movingforward2
You guys are all correct, of course.

 

Thanks for reminding me that I'm not the only one who had to deal with this.

 

As I said, my divorce and the end of this friendship happened 4 years ago and I did move on with some amazing friends who came with me and some new ones who were acquaintances who stepped up to the plate when they found out I was hurting.

 

I guess the realization last night that she went to the length of blocking me on Facebook just poured a little salt in that wound that I thought had healed.

 

Moving on. Thanks for listening. :)

 

Has happened to me as well. There were 5 couples with our kids and we were all great friends. Once mine went down, I was no longer invited to anything, including other kid's birthday parties. It's amazing.

 

Last Xmas, my best couple friends that were friends of mine growing up hosted a Xmas party with all of those folks. I did not want the divorce, did not file for the divorce, everyone knew it.....and I was the one not invited. The XW was. And the worst part....they all tried to cover it up where "I wouldn't know". It was the biggest kick in the _____ that anyone could do. It really pissed me off. The very next week, one of them had the nerve to call me to ask for a ride to the airport. Because I literally live down the street, I did it, and as soon as they got in the car just completely ambushed them about the party. It was amazing once someone saw the "other side" of "hey man, I didn't ask for this" - that they completely backed up and realized they were wrong. But for me to call it to their attention is what was amazing.

 

These same people had their child's birthday party this weekend knowing the kids were with me. I had no idea about the birthday party or that were my kids were invited.....until I got a text asking where my kids were. I was like "how am I suppose to know" - People just don't think. They really don't care. They are concerned with their own lives, their own troubles......It has been one of the hardest things I've had to deal with.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry to read your story. I guess I could tell you that one of my friends "broke up" with me on FB in 2010, which was also followed with a NC text "order" written in legalize, that I think our neighbor (at the old house), helped her write. They both got mad at me at the same time so I was double-dumped on FB, like I give an eff. Then her husband dropped me a few days later, and so on, and so on. Almost a year passed, then she begins to text me a holiday message here and there: "Happy Valintines, Y," or whatever.

 

Anyway, 6 months ago, this chick writes me, asking to meet up at Starbucks, (like old times). Dafuq? We used to be good friends, we helped each other a lot. She was Lebonese, but grew up in Germany. I did school work and complicated science projects with her kids, taught her the computer, we were neighbors for 5 years. I moved to another house, then divorce started.

 

There was a dispute, and my friend broke a confidence, and gossip ed to the neighbor across street, whom I also was friends with, before she even moved here. I raised hell about this, cause it made huge drama. That is when she "broke-up" with me on FB. Next thing I know, her and neighbor across street both have face-book effed me, and on top of that, I receive a text with a "no contact warning."

 

Awhile back, she made request to meet at Starbucks. (Like I want to hang there while she's flirting with guys, cause she one hottie, that's for dang sure)! I dont care for that, dont feel like it, Im too old, I got nothing to prove. I suggested a picnic with kids so we could talk and re-connect, without the Starbucks drama, and I didn't hear anything back.

 

Another 6 months goes by. Here we go again. "Oh, so sorry, been stressed out, I really need to see you. Can we get together at Starbucks?"

 

OK. So, that night, I had some wine. And something about these random contacts over the years, especially with that legalese warning in place, really started to gall me that particular evening, and I did something very wrong, that I later regretted, but did not ever, and will not ever apologize for. I did seriously did pray to God for forgiveness for this terrible sin, and I really felt bad and guilty. My Christian therapist taught me the story of King David and did the prayer with me, to assist me with this burdon which I will explain.

 

Truth be told, these friends abandoned me at a very difficult time, when I am being divorced and also was diagnosed with this bi-polar 2, which, at the time, in 2010, I didn't want to believe, and had not come to terms with. I lived in fear and paranoia, still do sometimes, but it is under control now. I was there when she needed friend, teacher, and I get dumped by that dumb FB, the worst possible time in my lifetime. So now, I admit, through my big ego, it did hurt, and I suffered alone, with no friends in this vincinity. My only other friend lived 2 hours away.

 

Not that this above excuses the bad thing I did. So, I wrote her back and said to the effect: "Let me be honest with you. I don't really feel like going to Starbuck's to see you flirty-flirt and collect phone numbers of strange men, as I sip on my latte, looking at your backside. I have always thought that conduct was inappropriate, and that is why I suggested a picnic, the last time you came up with idea. Do me a favor, don't contact me anymore."

 

OK that doesn't sound so bad. However, I copied same to her husband, to make dang sure she doesn't ever think to text me again. I don't know why I thought at the time I needed to embed my point so deeply. It has been since August 2010. What's my problem? I just lost it.

 

Moral of the story, my dear.

 

You have handled this hidious screenplay production you described with complete elegance, kjohn. It is a fact, some people start treating you "funky" once you get involved in a divorce. Even you BFF, mine, she had her issues (me too), but we used to be tight. But she betrayed me, screwed my relationship with the other neighbor, and they both deserted me.

 

This new neighborhood, it is like I have the plague. I thought it is because I'm weird, but it is also the "husband-stealing" fear, cause I'm a hot little number too.

 

You are classy, kjohn, you keep your cool, I admire you. And I love that ambush move, "Movingfordward2" - that was so totally brilliant!

 

I don't know why I have to be such a mean person sometimes. I used to be so sweet. I'm sure this girl never saw that coming from me, she for sure didn't know this side existed in me.

 

But therapist said in prayer that we both had a part to play in what happened. He had a point. Maybe she should try not to be bothering me, and pushing my buttons, she lives next door to my former husband, and it is over, done, in the past, and I don't want to know anything. Like good-by, stay away from me, don't make me curious, don't put me in a position to get in trouble with that written warning to "not make contact in writing, text, telephonic, electronic, and/or any other form of communication." OR whatever.

 

I don't wanna get arrested or anything, next FB break-up, that will be three strikes - I could be looking at prison time. See how stupid this FB crap is, it turns people into idiots. Look how smart you are, it took forever for you to notice the missing friend, right. Haha.

 

Think about how dumb it is to call someone on the phone while they are inside the house! Bahahahahahaha! I'm sure the husband thinks she is a stupid shallow bee. He sounds half way decent, by telling you the truth. Can you imagine how weird it would have been WITHOUT the knowledge he gave you? That would have been true GASLIGHTING. That guy did you a good deed. Even though he is a sell out, he is sworn to stand by his wench, that is the oath.

 

I was going to erase this post, but I spent a lot of time on it. Maybe there is something useful here.

 

Yas

Link to post
Share on other sites

Nowhere in your post have you mentioned people of value that were lost.

Unless you mean the psycho fall weather friends with their best cheater buddies.

In that case -- why not celebrate that they're gone?

Link to post
Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear

Like it or not, married people seem to then avoid divorcees...Its like you are all of a sudden no longer "in the club"...Its one of the reasons a lot of people avoid divorce, even though it might be the right choice...

 

I know a lot of the guys I know that have gotten divorced feel like somehow they have failed and are carrying a lot of shame..Most have deliberately removed themselves from attending family functions because they feel like an outcast, especially if you come from a family where there arent many divorcees...

 

People will look at you differently...Its human nature...Everyone just needs to figure out what works for them and implement it...

 

TFY

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Like it or not, married people seem to then avoid divorcees...Its like you are all of a sudden no longer "in the club"...Its one of the reasons a lot of people avoid divorce, even though it might be the right choice...

 

I know a lot of the guys I know that have gotten divorced feel like somehow they have failed and are carrying a lot of shame..Most have deliberately removed themselves from attending family functions because they feel like an outcast, especially if you come from a family where there arent many divorcees...

 

That is so true!

 

My ex removed himself from almost everyone we knew while we were going through our divorce. He didn't even speak to or see his parents, while I spoke to his mother on a regular basis because we were very close.

 

None of our friends saw him for quite some time.

 

He went into hiding, almost. Everyone told me it was out of guilt and, at the time, I felt like "Good!! He should feel guilty. He should be ashamed of himself and afraid to show his face to anyone!"

 

Everyone kept telling me how awful it was that he had cheated. How they couldn't believe it. How he was acting like a selfish teenager. How they didn't care for her GF and couldn't believe he would ruin our marriage for her.

 

His mother told me she didn't feel like she could ever accept the GF.

 

His sister told me that her best friend's younger brother went to high school with the GF an she had a reputation for drugs and sex.

 

His very best friend in the world told me how mad he was at my ex for cheating and that he was so sorry I had to go through all of this.

 

But you know what? When the dust settled and my ex came out from under his rock, every single one of them went on like life as usual and have accepted her just the same way they had accepted me.

 

At that time, when I was still hurting badly, I was so angry. It felt like he "won." I used to ask "Why does he get to walk away unscathed and keep all of our friends? He is the one who cheated. Why am I the one who is getting tossed aside?"

 

I felt like a puzzle piece that somebody just lifted right out of the puzzle and replaced with a new piece.

 

After some time (and counseling) I realized that these people are his friends and family so, of course, they have accepted her and "turned the other cheek" to the cheating. It's just easier for them that way.

 

But I do find it very interesting that people will say one thing and then do another.

 

Except for his mother…..she's still not over it. I don't talk to her all that often anymore, but when I do talk to her she still cries. She told me that at their wedding shower, the GF's mother came up to her and said "Isn't it so nice how happy they are?" and my ex-MIL responded "I don't know. I'm still having a hard time with it. One minute he was married to a wonderful woman who he has a child with, had a beautiful home and what we thought was a happy life and then all of a sudden he walked away from all of it, left his wife and child devastated and now I'm supposed to pretend to be happy that he's marrying the woman that caused all of that?"

 

LMAO!!!!!!!! I still can't believe she said that, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't give me a good laugh.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
my ex-MIL responded "I don't know. I'm still having a hard time with it. One minute he was married to a wonderful woman who he has a child with, had a beautiful home and what we thought was a happy life and then all of a sudden he walked away from all of it, left his wife and child devastated and now I'm supposed to pretend to be happy that he's marrying the woman that caused all of that?"

Wow, whilst this might entertain you, I think it's a pretty damn disrespectful thing to say to the new MIL. How is that going to make her feel? Basically saying "hey your daughter is a trollop and a home wrecker" at a celebration party for her daughter's upcoming marriage. Extremely low class behaviour by your ex-MIL there. She should have bitten her tongue. In fact if she disapproves of their marriage that much, it's quite hypocritical of her to attend the party in the first place.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wow, whilst this might entertain you, I think it's a pretty damn disrespectful thing to say to the new MIL. How is that going to make her feel? Basically saying "hey your daughter is a trollop and a home wrecker" at a celebration party for her daughter's upcoming marriage. Extremely low class behaviour by your ex-MIL there. She should have bitten her tongue. In fact if she disapproves of their marriage that much, it's quite hypocritical of her to attend the party in the first place.

 

I agree with you 100%

 

I can't believe she said it, to be honest with you. That is not typically the kind of person that she is. I don't know what came over her. She is normally the sweetest woman you'll ever meet. I was shocked when she told me what she had done.

 

In fact, she was not planning to attend the party at all, until she received the invitation in the mail and, unbeknownst to her, her name was listed as one of the hosts of the party! She was furious, but she and my ex-FIL felt obligated to attend at that point.

 

They did not attend the wedding.

 

They have also since moved out of state because their relationship with my ex has been very strained since our divorce…..but that's a whole different story.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Reposted by Mistake. Hope you are feeling better with all the good fed back you're getting. Y

Edited by Yasuandio
Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally, I don't think your ex-MIL was wrong for honestly stating what she felt about it. I'd rather be disrespectful than sugar coat it any further, and I guess if I ever have a son and he pulls that off I couldn't attend the wedding either because my stomach would turn at least 10 times. I wouldn't stop loving him, but it must be heartbreaking to see someone you love make such catastrophic decisions.

 

I'm pretty sure both your ex-FIL and ex-MIL have ceased contact with them to be honest.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am sorry for your loss and the heartbreak that has accompanied it. This is another rather new phenomena brought about by modern social media - the whole facebook friends thing. What does the fact that she blocked you change about the situation? The answer is "nothing" because there is no real relationship taking place in the first place. From what I understand, blocking means that you cannot view her page at all. You already know what will be there. If she and her husband are as close to your ex-husband and his new wife as you say, and facebook is a big part of her life, inevitably pictures will be showing up, and posts, and status changes, etc. She may actually have done you a favor by sparing you from these images.

 

What are you doing these days to invest in meaningful relationships? Mourning the loss of a friendship is normal, but as a divorced man, I also know that isolation is a killer. Where is your support coming from right now? There is a reason that the word of God says that He hates divorce - it impacts so many people in so many negative ways. One day at a time is the only way I have been able to move on with my life. The grace of God has become more real to me. I truly am sorry for your pain - my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...