Is marriage an automatic second chance?

[NoLongerAT]

My husband & I have been together for about 10 years. We just got married this July. We each have a child from a past relationship and we have one child together, however, we have always raised all three children as our own and as a unit because our prior partners have no relationship with their children.

 

Here's our backstory (I apologize for the length): We got engaged in 2010. He had recently used Facebook to connect with his biological father & half brother who live in Colorado. We had some arguments about Facebook & things that I felt were inappropriate. Things changed, we weren't having sex as often & I noticed he seemed distant. I was going crazy & I confronted him begging him to tell me if there was someone else - he always denied. I found a message to his brother's wife (in Colorado) that "he needed an upgrade - asked if she had any friends". There were other messages but always to the brother's wife - not the brother - which I found odd. In August, he dropped money in my lap, said that his dad was in the hospital & wasn't doing well & he wanted to fly out to see him. I booked it & he was going to stay with his brother for 3 days.

 

The whole time he was gone I never even got a phone call. That's when I started to listen to my gut. A few days after he had come home I went through his phone & found texts to his brother's wife while he was up there: "Get naked", "I'm in the bed waiting on you", "Did I put you to sleep". I lost my **** and immediately confronted him. He said he was talking to the wife's sister but she used her phone so her boyfriend wouldn't catch her. It was very rough but I was tried to give him a second chance.

 

January (2011) things seemed to be getting better & we bought new phones. He gave me the old one to turn in & I went through it not looking for anything incriminating but making sure he had deleted all pics & such of ours. I found a video he made naked & playing with himself talking about how he was thinking about her. In the background was a gift that I had gotten him for Christmas so I knew it was recent & it was AFTER he said he cut ties since I found out about the whole thing. I stupidly continued to work on it after that as well. Few months after that I found an email sent to him (from the brother's wife email address) of a video of her playing with herself. I confronted him and he claimed he had cut ties for good, she sent that unrequested & he had tried to delete it. Again, I gave him another chance.

 

(2013): After checking his phone, phone records and emails for about year and half and not finding anything inappropriate and his behavior seemed back to normal, we were happy. He proposed again. I accepted. I thought we had made it.

(2104): We had a small wedding in July. Things were great! He was emotional about that day & was proud to show off the pictures. Then, end of August or early September, my gut wasn't feeling right. I couldn't put my finger on it at first but then I started to notice that if I walked in the room & he was on his phone he would put it down really quick, or cover it up, lay it face down. October, I waited until he went to the bathroom and checked his phone. Sure enough, there was a naked picture of a girl from a Colorado number. No contact name saved or anything.

 

I decided to keep my cool to get more information. I had always suspected that he was having this affair with his brother's wife but he claimed it was her sister and I never knew for sure otherwise. I checked the phone a couple days later and BAM! There was her face! She had sent him a pic of her boobs in the bathroom mirror, full frontal face shot. I was crushed! Not only was he cheating (I certainly consider that cheating) but it was with his brother's wife! I pulled up phone records and they began exchanging pics 3 DAYS AFTER THE WEDDING.

 

I'm heartbroken, shocked, angry..and so much more I can't put into words. I told him I wanted a divorce and I took the ring off. I'm so embarrassed. He is begging to go to counseling or whatever will save our marriage. He thinks I'm making a decision out of anger and I need to think about it rationally which is why he left for a few days.

 

It feels good just to let it out. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have given him so many chances to make it right already. Does the fact that we are married now just automatically entitle him to another one??

Edited October 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[2sunny]

Man I'm sorry for your pain.

 

He is a complete jerk!!!

 

If divorce him without even a discussion at this point - because all he will do is lie and lie and lie.

 

Let him lie to someone else!

 

You've wasted 10 years - it's time to take action to eliminate him as much as possible.

 

He wants her? He can have her! Notify his brother and send evidence to him. He deserves to know what scum he's married to as well.

[NoLongerAT]

Funny you bring that up because I have really been questioning whether I have an obligation to make sure he knows what his wife and his brother are doing behind his back or is it just easier to make my getaway and don't look back.

My hurt and anger make me want to ruin her marriage as she has mine.

[NoLongerAT]

I just want to clarify that I do not put all the blame on her for this. My last statement there could be taken that way but I know that this is absolutely my husband's fault.

I am just disgusted with her as a woman, a wife, a mother, and a sister-in-law.

They both make sick.

[evanescentworld]

Steal your husband's phone.

Send it to your BiL. Tell him where to look.

Kick your H out, and seek a divorce.

 

Done.

[Steen719]

Does the fact that we are married now just automatically entitle him to another one??

 

Not just no, but hell no! I'll tell you what my brother told me the first time my H did this to me (wish I had listened and there would not have been a second time). Lose the loser.

 

He has had way too many chances already. Sheesh...he is a prince of a man, isn't he? Not only is he cheating on you, but with his brother's wife! This is no man - he is a weasel. UGH!!!

 

You are too kind to him. Think about yourself for a change and make a new life. Hard as it seems now, you will make it through and later you will realize that leaving someone who will treat you so poorly was a better plan.

 

Upgrade, my arse! Upgraded right to a cheater who cheats with her H's brother.

[PegNosePete]

My hurt and anger make me want to ruin her marriage as she has mine.

She hasn't ruined your marriage, your husband has. Nobody can ruin a marriage apart from the two people who are involved in it.

[NoLongerAT]

She hasn't ruined your marriage, your husband has. Nobody can ruin a marriage apart from the two people who are involved in it.

 

I know that. Did you see my post right after?

 

I asked for the divorce and told my husband I want him to leave. He doesn't want to go. We've went from crying and begging to angry and threatening and back to crying and begging again. This is exhausting...

[evanescentworld]

Hand him a note. Dated and signed. Take a photo of it, for your own record, on your phone.

 

"I'm going out.

I will be gone for 2 hours.

When I come back, I expect to find you gone, and whatever stuff of yours you can carry, with you.

We can discuss the remaining goods and items, another time.

Please understand - this is NOT up for discussion.

This is what I want.

You have obviously been doing what you have wanted to do, behind my back, for quite a while. I see you gave me no choice in the matter.

Now, I am giving you no choice in the matter. This is what I want.

Please leave."

[NoLongerAT]

We had a trip planned at the end of the month to attend an event with his family. I am hoping that he will still attend even though I'm not going anymore. I had planned to rent a storage space for a couple months, hire a few movers to take his stuff there and have the locks changed while he is gone. I just don't see him leaving otherwise and my poor stepdaughter is going to be right in the middle of all of this. Ugh!

[No Limit]

I hope that shortly after writing this thread you've gone to the brother and told him everything, with your "husbands" phone in hand, right?

A guy doing his brothers' wife. Must be a family person.

[Toodaloo]

Does the fact that we are married now just automatically entitle him to another one??

 

No

 

And reading your post its not even third or fourth chance is it...? How many more chances does this guy need to go off and shag his brothers wife behind your back??? Because those are the chances he is interested in NOT the chances to make your marriage a successful one.

 

I am not surprised he wants to stay. I would too if I could have my cake and someone elses, eat the lot and still have more baked for me...

 

Your step daughter is another person. She is not her father. Make it clear that this is not her fault and you are not going to ask her to take sides or be in the middle. Then make sure you don't. If she is living with you make sure that she still has access to her home as that is what it is, until her father has sorted himself out and then she can decide what she wants to do. Be very strict with yourself on this one as she is not responsible for her father actions and shouldn't be made to feel so.

 

Keep your foot firmly down.

[PegNosePete]

Hand him a note. Dated and signed. Take a photo of it, for your own record, on your phone.

 

"I'm going out.

I will be gone for 2 hours.

When I come back, I expect to find you gone, and whatever stuff of yours you can carry, with you.

We can discuss the remaining goods and items, another time.

Please understand - this is NOT up for discussion.

This is what I want.

You have obviously been doing what you have wanted to do, behind my back, for quite a while. I see you gave me no choice in the matter.

Now, I am giving you no choice in the matter. This is what I want.

Please leave."

And that will achieve exactly nothing. He is under no obligation to leave simply because his wife wishes him to. Unless there is violence or a court order to the contrary, he has just as much right to stay in the marital home as she does.

[NoLongerAT]

I hope that shortly after writing this thread you've gone to the brother and told him everything, with your "husbands" phone in hand, right?

A guy doing his brothers' wife. Must be a family person.

 

 

I haven't told him yet. The brother and wife live in Colorado and we are in IL so it's not like I can just drop by. Also, the only way to contact this guy that I know of is through Facebook. I don't have his number or address, and I've never even met either of them. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to let his brother know, but I was planning on waiting until my "soon to be EX husband" has left. I don't really have any particular reason for that - maybe I should do it now??...

 

Also, not necessarily relevant, but he has only seen her once. He denies that they actually had sex and says it was all video/pic exchange but I don't believe that and the texts indicated something else from his trip up there. However, he has not seen her since 2010 and it was only that one time. Like I said not really relevant because the "sexting" is enough to be cheating in my book and I'm done, but I just wanted to that situation to be clear.

Oh..and he deleted everything off his phone. He did that as they were coming in. I just happened to catch a couple that he forgot to delete or he fell asleep and didn't get to before I did. I sent the pics to my phone and email and have it all ready to go.

[NoLongerAT]

No

 

And reading your post its not even third or fourth chance is it...? How many more chances does this guy need to go off and shag his brothers wife behind your back??? Because those are the chances he is interested in NOT the chances to make your marriage a successful one.

 

I am not surprised he wants to stay. I would too if I could have my cake and someone elses, eat the lot and still have more baked for me...

 

Your step daughter is another person. She is not her father. Make it clear that this is not her fault and you are not going to ask her to take sides or be in the middle. Then make sure you don't. If she is living with you make sure that she still has access to her home as that is what it is, until her father has sorted himself out and then she can decide what she wants to do. Be very strict with yourself on this one as she is not responsible for her father actions and shouldn't be made to feel so.

 

Keep your foot firmly down.

 

You're completely right on all points. All three of our children are 10 and under so it's going to be especially difficult on them. They have no idea why their dad hasn't been home in a few days. I sat them down and told them that our family would be going through a lot of changes soon and things would be moving around. I told them that no matter what their father and I loved them very much. My stepdaughter has not had a very stable life until she lived with me and I worry for her. I wish that she could stay with me even when he goes but I know that won't happen. It's all so sad.

[NoLongerAT]

And that will achieve exactly nothing. He is under no obligation to leave simply because his wife wishes him to. Unless there is violence or a court order to the contrary, he has just as much right to stay in the marital home as she does.

 

You're right and he won't leave. The only thing I can think of is to move his things out and change the locks while he is gone. I don't know if it makes a difference but the house is in my name only and I bought it before we were married. Is he automatically entitled to it just because we are married?

[PegNosePete]

Laws vary greatly in different locations. I'm not sure how it is in IL but here's how it is in most jurisdictions.

 

Your home has been used as a matrimonial home therefore no matter whose name it is in, you both have equal rights to live there while you are married. If you were to change the locks, he could either gain access while you're out by breaking a window, or if you're in he could call the police and say you're denying his legal right to enter his home. As long as he remains civil the police would probably take his side. There's very little you can do to keep him out, while you're still married.

 

However that does not mean he will get your house, or any part of it, in any divorce proceedings. Having the right to live in a house is a completely different issue to being awarded part of the house in a divorce settlement. Again this depends on your jurisdiction.

 

You'd be wise to take proper legal advice on this, from a divorce attorney. Most will do a free initial consultation so it costs nothing to get clued up.

[evanescentworld]

And that will achieve exactly nothing. He is under no obligation to leave simply because his wife wishes him to. Unless there is violence or a court order to the contrary, he has just as much right to stay in the marital home as she does.

 

I understand he's under no obligation.

The final comment however, is a request, and as I stated, he gave her no option in his choices or behaviour.

That said, I see why such an action would definitely rock the boat.

 

That is, of course, how I might play it.

 

Being actually in the situation and faced with the reality of events, it's difficult for the OP to look at things in a clear way, and of course the children are a further matter to consider.

 

But he DOES deserve to know that there can be no come-back from this.

He has sailed his own boat for far too long, on his own course. The OP deserves to consider her dignity and well-being first and foremost.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through, I can not begin to imagine how difficult this situation is for you. Have you considered seeing a counselor? It may be helpful just to have someone to help you work through all of the stuff that you are dealing with. I'll be praying for you and I hope that it all works out for the best.

 

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

[PegNosePete]

The OP deserves to consider her dignity and well-being first and foremost.

Right, which is why I wouldn't recommend a letter such as you stated. How much dignity would she have if she made a demanding letter telling him he had to move out, and he simply said "no", went and got a beer, sat on the sofa and turned the game on? What then?

 

That kind of letter/threat should only be made if it can be enforced. Otherwise you just lose credibility.

[No Limit]

I haven't told him yet. The brother and wife live in Colorado and we are in IL so it's not like I can just drop by. Also, the only way to contact this guy that I know of is through Facebook. I don't have his number or address, and I've never even met either of them. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to let his brother know, but I was planning on waiting until my "soon to be EX husband" has left. I don't really have any particular reason for that - maybe I should do it now??...

 

Also, not necessarily relevant, but he has only seen her once. He denies that they actually had sex and says it was all video/pic exchange but I don't believe that and the texts indicated something else from his trip up there. However, he has not seen her since 2010 and it was only that one time. Like I said not really relevant because the "sexting" is enough to be cheating in my book and I'm done, but I just wanted to that situation to be clear.

Oh..and he deleted everything off his phone. He did that as they were coming in. I just happened to catch a couple that he forgot to delete or he fell asleep and didn't get to before I did. I sent the pics to my phone and email and have it all ready to go.

 

Once is one time too often. Glad to hear you're getting your guns ready though.