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Am I nuts for divorcing a good man?


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I'm a 42 year old mother of 2. l'll try an make a long story short... I have been in an unhappy, sexless marriage for around 4 of the 11 years. A couple of years ago, I think I went through an identity crisis of sorts. I lived my life, my husband had his, we didn't talk, no intimacy, etc.

 

I lost myself and struggled for answers. My husband is a good man and father, he's just not the right man for me anymore and I fell out of love. We've had a problem communicating on an intimate level our whole marriage and it bled over to the physical. I met a man about 18 months ago (he is married w/kids too), we just talked for 9 months and last Feb it became physical. We love each other, and were both in unfulfilled marriages.

 

I'm not proud of the way we met, but here we are. I do believe, however, that I would have asked for a divorce regardless. I AM ok with being alone if it doesn't work with this man. Meeting 'him' just fast tracked the inevitable in my eyes. I asked my husband for a divorce almost 3 months ago and the general consensus is that I'm nuts for leaving my perfectly good husband. I realize it's a huge leap of faith and to the outside it does seem crazy.

 

In the end, I want my kids to be happy and I want a shot at it too. Am I the ultimate selfish person for wanting this? Am I nuts??

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I would have exhausted every option with your husband first BEFORE you strayed. Have you tried counceling/multiple councelors if the first one didn't work? Have you read books on communication? Have you swallowed your pride and REALLY tried to make him happy? You are pretty far down the rabbit hole now, but I feel that without trying EVERYTHING to work on your marriage, there will probably be some serious regret in the future.

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Would you divorce your husband if the guy you are cheating with didn't exist?

 

If yes, get a divorce.

 

If no, get marriage counseling.

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OP, I'll bet your marriage was fulfilling until it wasn't.

 

Google 'affair fog'.

 

BTDT many times with MW's. What you're posting is a common theme. I knew two who stuck it out with their H's after they had affairs; one later divorced, then died. The other still has her moments but will be 15 years post-D and 25 total married next year. Like yourself, she exclaims her H is a 'good man!'. The loins simply point elsewhere.

 

Up to you. I'm out of the game. The ROI just doesn't work for me anymore.

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If you're looking for genuine answers:

 

a) dump the OM (other 'man') and go NC (no contact) with him.

 

b) confess to your Husband

 

c) Get Counselling (Counselling would have been a) but you skipped that step already)

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I'm not asking for sympathy here and I'm not asking for you to help me justify my actions. I'm trying to see if anyone has been in a similar situation, good or bad. And my husband does know about the OM and we've had discernment counseling.

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And my husband does know about the OM and we've had discernment counseling.

 

Two things you didn't mention in the OP. So now you only have a) and c) to work on.

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If you did ever marry your affair partner, how would you ever trust him? How would he trust you? You are both known cheaters to one another.

 

If you do divorce your husband, I hope you seek personal counselling and end up with someone other than your affair partner. Just don't see how that can end up very well.

 

Honestly, you are in an 'affair fog'. That means just about anything you decide about your relationships is suspect. Think things through clearly and decisively, then do it.

 

Life is too short to be with someone you truly don't love - or that doesn't love you. If you really don't love your husband, do him a favor and divorce him - but don't count on your affair partner long term and definitely don't marry him.

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I'm not asking for sympathy here and I'm not asking for you to help me justify my actions. I'm trying to see if anyone has been in a similar situation, good or bad. And my husband does know about the OM and we've had discernment counseling.

 

My only question is... how old are your kids?

 

Otherwise... I don't think you are nuts. Marriages fall apart for all kinds of reasons. Lack of intimacy seems like a good cause.

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You bailed out on your marriage, detached and fell for someone else without even discussing how you feel with your own husband and going to marriage counseling to try to fix things and reconnect. Communication goes a long way! It's a shame that now you've complicated things by falling for someone else, of course you don't "feel it" for your husband anymore, you've invested in someone else! A married guy of all people.

 

Tell your H the truth, that you aren't in love with him anymore and get a divorce. Because you'd rather be on your own than stay married to him.

 

As for the MM with kids - Well, it's rare that BOTH affair partners leave their spouses and divorce. You may be the OW for a long time, investing in a MM who has no intention of leaving his wife.

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No dear you were nuts for cheating on a good man.

 

I understand frustration and feeling lost. But stepping out on the primary relationship always makes your problems harder. Way more complicated, and you're finding that out.

 

You haven't said much about your H. Has he forgiven you? Has he placed all the responsibility of continuing on you?

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There is a lot of perception discrepancies between my H and I. I told him (literally) several times I was not happy (pre-OM) and he now says he had no idea our problems were 'serious'. I have told him that I am not in love with him anymore, I have filed for divorce, he knows about the OM and he is still trying to save the marriage. He says he can forgive me if I stay, but I can't fathom staying married to a man I don't love. I love him as a person, as the father of our children, but we haven't been a 'couple" for years.

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Quit whining. You're cheating on your husband, and using the rationalization hamster to do it. There won't be a lot of "oh you poor thing" replies coming your way here.

 

 

And for reference:

 

 

Agreed 100%% a cheat is a cheat no matter what spin the put on it, should of kept her knickers on until she was divorced, that type of behaviour is revolting and there are no excuses for it.

Edited by ralfgarnett
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Ask yourself the old Ann Landers Q:

 

Would you be better off with your husband or without him?

 

Make a pros / cons list & act accordingly.

 

If you do hope to save your marriage (which you may not be able to do once the infidelity comes to light it's not your choice any more) the OM has to go.

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Decisiontomake

I never understand why there is such sarcasm and "attacking" of OPs on this site. All of us are here for advice - none of us enter into posting lightly - and are not looking to be "told off" or judged. Can't it just be kept as offering a viewpoint in a constructive and nice manner? He without sin.....and all that.

 

 

To the OP, I understand where you are coming from. Have been separated from my husband now for 6 months after years of struggling - telling him I was struggling, counseling etc etc. I too entered into an affair that lasted two and a half years - recently ended - and without belittling your feelings for your AP, there is a little bit of fog in what you are saying. I too suffered from it and am not therefore judging that - just making an observation from the little I know.

 

 

My husband is also a really good and loving man, and having been away for the period of time I have, I confess I'm having second thoughts about whether or not to return to my marriage. The pendulum swing is HUGE - sometimes from hour to hour! I do feel love for him, care for him and want my family unit to be intact - but I also don't want to hurt him if I'm not committed, fully, to being his wife.

 

 

It's a total rollercoaster and one that tends to have more questions than answers, but I guess I'm replying to your post to say yes, there are others out here that are going through what you are going through.

 

Keep posting - through the snide remarks you will hopefully gain some good advice and a place where you can honestly and freely vent.

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The only thing I would ask you is to think about the fact that you are leaving a "good" man and going to a cheater. The thought that if he/she will cheat with you, they will cheat on you is not entirely unfounded. I'm not advocating that you stay with your H, but if you are going to change your family's future, it shouldn't be for someone who is cheating on his W. Of course, you may not find it as serious since you are involved in the affair, but the pain it causes families and the facts that so many couples who start out as affair partners don't make it and the spouse that cheats often feels regret at leaving should be enough to think about without remaining in the affair and giving yourself the opportunity to make a decision without the "fog" around you.

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If you really aren't in love then I guess it is for the best that you left but be fair and decent to him in the divorce. Don't bleed him dry.

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The question is not whether he is a "good man." The question is whether it is a good relationship-- or even could be. Don't stay with someone because you judge them as "good" or a "catch." People are not transactional objects, bought and traded. It is the quality of the relationship that matters.

 

Yes, an affair can mess with the ability to evaluate the quality of the relationship-- likely one reason you're looking to us on LS to help you evaluate.

 

And now I'm going to turn into one of those dreaded people who just relate every situation to their own, and ask: Any chance your h is passive-aggressive? Any chance you are? No intimacy and no communication-- it's one sign that one of you is, anyway. PA is difficult to change or work with.

 

You might be in an affair fog, sure. But that doens't mean that your relationship was great if not for the affair. It may mean that you aren't evaluating the relationsnip-- good or bad-- as well as you would be, if you were not in love with a different person.

 

I'd get some individual counseling. If your marriage is unhealthy, it is very, very likely that the same dynamics will be carried out with the next person-- as unlikely as that seems now. The simple fact that your new person is married and therefore somewhat unavailable, is one similarity: Someone who's not completely available on some level. Just like your husband, albeit for very different reasons. Don't doom yourself to the same flavor of unhealthy relationship in a different package. Get some individual counseling to see what's attracting you to these situations. And read "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller-- great insight into how and why people behave the way they do in their relationships. Good luck OP, keep posting.

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I'm not asking for sympathy here and I'm not asking for you to help me justify my actions. I'm trying to see if anyone has been in a similar situation, good or bad. And my husband does know about the OM and we've had discernment counseling.

 

Coming from a woman that was once in your shoes, I can tell you the view is different from the other side. Odds are you will get this, but it may be too late.

 

Also you can't really trust your judgement when their are two men in the picture. I would suggest you go no contact with the OM for six months or so this will serve two fold. 1) it will give you a clearer view. In order to get involved in the affair we have to justify it to ourselves. Smaller issues in the marriage become much larger. 2) it leaves no regrets. You would now know that you made the effort. There is nothing more painful then watching you ex husband fall in love with another woman and doubting if you did all you can.

 

You may not feel or see it now, you will. Your so wrapped up in the om that it may maske your true feelings for your husband. The justification process includes rewritting the history of the marriage and it suddenly becomes "I've been unhappy since long before" maybe so, most likely not.

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OP, the good news is that divorces are generally long processes (ours was 18 months and pretty amicable and simple) so there's plenty of time to decide you're 'nuts' or not and continue the suit or drop it before it's adjudicated.

 

As a fMM, the further along I got in our D, the more sure I was that it was the right thing to do and the fMW was long gone at that point. The counseling had sunk in, there was no fog and I was on a mission. My lawyer said to pick one thing; I did and totally focused on it. ExW wasn't part of that equation, at all.

 

You'll make your decision on your circumstances in your own time and on your own terms. I'll second the motion for counseling. Loved it! Hardest work I ever paid a ton of money for! In our case it was MC but, regardless, it did wonders for clarity.

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I should have said earlier, but I am seeing a counselor on my own currently. I'm not so naive to think that a future with the OM comes without issues. I will say, I'm trying my damndest to be a better person, a more enlightened partner, and a better mother through this. I feel like I've done my due diligence in my marriage and I'm ready to move on, whatever that looks like. Thank you for the comments, all of them.

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Well, nwh, I'll share my story. Far too many similarities here. The only difference though is that I am further along in the process.

 

Same background, H was/is a good man, wonderful provider (though I have a great career too), great dad, but almost too much so. I won't get into the blame game as I take full responsibility for most of our issues. However, I did put it out there repeatedly that our M was in trouble and we needed to do the work through counselling, self-help books, date nights, join me for sports etc. Nope, wasn't his thing. Not interested. So I went to IC and MC determined to do all of the work. Also kept busy doing what I love through sports, career, hobbies (kids actively involved in sports), etc. and here the division between us starts.

 

We both start threatening D and I set my finish line; once xyz happens I was gone. Living alone had to be so much better than living with this animosity between us. This decision was made far before I chose to have an A. Fast forward to today, 4.5 years into the A, I've left H and am on my own. Through this AP panics because he is certain I will demand an exit date for him. Thing is, we would never work. I could never trust him and highly unlikely he would trust me. Now that he is comfortable I don't have any D expectations from his side, he is beginning to treat me like yesterday's newspaper and the moment I've had enough and am set to walk, he reels me back in. The 'ol push-pull game. Our days are numbered. This from the MM who promised me everything. Where we would live, how we would try to leave our M's with minimal damage. The whole enchilada. I'm not trying to garner sympathy as I made my bed and now will lie in it.

 

Am I happier now away from H and our M issues? Absolutely not! I rarely smile or laugh. Actually I'm just plain miserable. This is nothing compared to what my kids are experiencing.

 

Nwh, I wouldn't expect you to "snap out of it" as you are too deep into that A fog. Heck, I wouldn't have either. But the fog eventually dissipates and you are left with the fallout of your decisions. Hopefully my story offers a glimpse into what could be your life too.

 

Try to work it out with H first, then once you have exhausted those avenues and D is the only option, you can be at peace with your decision.

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I think you're doing the right thing by leaving. How someone defines a person as a good spouse varies. I think once you get some distance from this marriage, you'll understand better about why he probably isn't such a great husband for you. It doesn't matter what other people think. I used to worry about stuff like that then I realized that I knew my feelings were valid and if those people wanted to marry my ex, they were more than welcome to do so. In other words, they have no right to judge me because they hadn't walked in my shoes - nor would they ever.

 

I used to think my son's dad was a great husband but the truth is he was quite the manipulator, in a very subtle way. It wasn't until I got away from him that I realized just how smothered I felt being around him. I never, ever regretting divorcing him.

 

You're seriously unhappy and that is no way to live. Don't concern yourself with what other people think. Even your children will be happier when they see that you're genuinely happy. Best wishes to you!

Edited by bathtub-row
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To answer your question, Yes!

I too thought I had fallen out of love with my first H. The biggest mistake I have ever made! Much like yours he was a great man.

He was smart, giving, loved kids, would have been a great father. Amongst his skills, he was a model builder. When my niece turn 4, he built her a doll house. He did not need a kit, just went down the local hobby shop and bought some scale sized wood, and two weeks later had a classic. He daughter played with it and now her grand daughter is playing with it.

He caught me cheating and angrily told me we were finished. At first I was glad he was out of my life. Sox weeks later the fog lived, when I stopped by to visit with our cats, and realized that he had had a sexual romp with some woman in our marital bed.

I was devastated, but there was no amount of begging, crying or pleading that would get him to change his mind. A couple of years later, in order to save my sanity I moved back across the country to live near my dad. I eventually remarried, had two boys, and moved out 2 decades later and filed for D when my boys moved out.

No one has come close to being half the man my first H was.

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