Col_Lover Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Right now I am confused with life, married for 28 years 4 kids all above 19, 3 still living at home, my wife is going through a rough time in her life, she has no sexual desires, we have not had sex for 4 years. I am still very much young at heart, and I need sex, I don't really want to divorce because of finances. Do I tell her I need sex, and I am going to get it? She is a very hard person to talk to. I have never strayed, but it is getting close. I am still only 80 kg she has blown up, watches TV all her spare time and plays computer games. Very Low Self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Use an ultimatum. "We fix this or I'm done. I've found a sex therapist we can go to. It's your choice...do I make an appointment with them or make one with a divorce attorney?" If she refuses, choose one of the options you mentioned above (separation, divorce, or an open marriage). Just don't cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Col Lover, Is your wife suffering from depression? Or is she going through the menopause? If she has had no sex drive for 4 years you need to talk about this. Also, why do you have 3 kids over 19 still living at home? Most married couples that have been married as long as you guys will have had their children "fly the nest" ages ago and have time for themselves as a couple. Do the kids help out at home, or do they just treat the place as a hotel? If I had 3 grown up kids slobbing about the house, I would be depressed and fed up. AW Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Col Lover, Is your wife suffering from depression? Or is she going through the menopause? If she has had no sex drive for 4 years you need to talk about this. Also, why do you have 3 kids over 19 still living at home? Most married couples that have been married as long as you guys will have had their children "fly the nest" ages ago and have time for themselves as a couple. Do the kids help out at home, or do they just treat the place as a hotel? If I had 3 grown up kids slobbing about the house, I would be depressed and fed up. AW Because he's in Queensland. Cultural differences. Most Australian kids stills live at home while they study. And yanno, most parents want what's best for their kids.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 OK sassy girl, I hear what you say, Because he's in Queensland. Cultural differences. Most Australian kids stills live at home while they study. but surely they can't be all in full-time education? FT education (college/uni) in UK finishes at 20 unless students go on to do Higher Degrees. Then you can add another year for an MA/MSc and maybe another couple of years for a PhD, depending on the research project they are involved with. I would be pleased to hear more from the OP about this... Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 (edited) Sex or no sex, if you truly love your wife you will be understanding and do all you can to be there for her and to work through it together, regardless whether you get this sorted or not don't forget that your wife is a human being with feelings not a piece of meat just there for you to stick your piece of meat in to, sorry if that sounds crude but its the best most descriptive way I can sum up what I mean, you cant make her want sex that would be emotional rape, but you can love her, cuddle her, show her affection in other ways and generally let her know you love her and try to make her feel better about herself, regardless of the outcome good luck I hope things work out for you BOTH, the reason I feel strongly about this is simple, my wife and I have been apart a few months now and I would give anything to have her home and lying in my arms again sex or no sex I just want to love her and be loved by her, I want to sleep beside her and wake up beside her. Edited October 21, 2014 by ralfgarnett Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Thank you, Col_Lover, for sharing honestly and openly from your heart. Marriage is an honorable estate and worthy of lifelong commitment. There are many struggles that have to be worked through and the one you have described is a big one. In my experience, I have found that most women don't just stop having sex with their husband because they wake up one morning without a sex-drive. There are usually relational issues at the heart of their lack of desire - of course there are exceptions. I said all of that not to cast blame on you, but to point out that relationship is everything to a woman in marriage. You said that she is going through a bad time in her life, what is it that you think she needs from you? What have you done to show her that you are there for her emotionally? Again, not accusing you of anything, just asking a question. There are always two sides to every equation: How she feels (right or wrong) and how you feel (right or wrong). Have you looked into the possibility of professional counselling? One of my very favorite resources to recommend is the book Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. Two others that I love are His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr., and Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerich. I guess what I am saying is that there is help available if you are willing to seek it. I am a divorced man who wasn't willing to seek help until it was too late. I hope you won't make that same mistake. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 If you had said you hadn't had any intimacy in 4 months I would offer a variety of pointers, insights, options and advice on how to try to address it. But at FOUR YEARS i don't think it really matters what you do. She's a dead horse. Nothing is going to bring her around. Do whatever you want. You have the rest of your life to live, do as you please - she already is. If she cared about you, your marriage or your needs she would have done something by now. Pick your own course in life and go for it. Your kids are adults, they aren't really a factor here. Yes a divorce will cost a few $$s but how much is the rest of your life worth? How much is it costing you to keep her around?? Will she really care if you file for divorce on her or will it burden her to have to pack a few bags and look for a place of her own. Will it really bother her if you start dating or get a girlfriend on the side? It's not like she has to worry about STDs or anything, she's already not having sex with you. Heck bring someone home and have sex with her beside your wife in bed. See if she even gets up to sleep on the couch or just asks you to keep it quiet and not shake the bed too much. Basically what I am saying it is doesn't really matter what you do. she is long gone and checked out for good 31/2 years ago. You have just made it comfortable and convenient for her so she's been too lazy to move on with her own life. Do whatever you want and whatever works best for you. You mean nothing to her so don't worry about what she thinks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 (edited) A person ignoring their spouses needs for intimacy years on end is emotional abandonment (a form of mental abuse). That said, what is her problem? What sort of struggles is she having to make her so fat and lazy? Therein could lie an answer - "just saying, possibly." So, I'll ask this question: Is she taking any psychotropic or anti-psychotic drugs for depression or anxiety; or hormone treatment fore menapause, or some other drug another ailment? Sometimes medications can cause an horrendous amount of weight gain. It is also possible for the some drugs to effect your libido and ALSO your perceptions (she may not actually realize how drastic her weight issue is). I had a huge weight gain on Seriquil, and I didn't "get it." Just didn't realize how huge I was. But the pictures tell the story. That drug is a mind warp. I drop 65 pounds when I got off of it. Something to consider. What pills she takes? Look them up. Then you know you covered all bases. OK. Yas Edited October 23, 2014 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
Author Col_Lover Posted October 26, 2014 Author Share Posted October 26, 2014 (edited) My wife has always had a low sex drive, and when we married I thought she might open up a little and have some good fun, the only time she would let herself go she had to be drunk, and that started to take its toll, you can not get drunk 3 times a week and still function every day, She got her tubes tied so no more kids and she said she did not need hormone replacement, that is when the trouble started. 3 Boys living at home. Well they are my best mates, we are so close, when they have party's at our place all their friends know me as a party boy. Thanks for the advice good and bad, I have to listen to everything and keep an open mind. I am fit, Ride Dirt bikes, water ski, and walk every day, and I am very good looking. PS she is not on any drugs or medication, just fu(ken lazy. Edited October 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 OK sassy girl, I hear what you say, but surely they can't be all in full-time education? FT education (college/uni) in UK finishes at 20 unless students go on to do Higher Degrees. Then you can add another year for an MA/MSc and maybe another couple of years for a PhD, depending on the research project they are involved with. I would be pleased to hear more from the OP about this... Like I said... cultural and economic differences. University starts around 18, is a minimum of 3 years, just for a BA and probably more if they opt for other more specialised degrees, honours, post grad or double degrees. Plus housing affordability in Australia is bad. Most parents will let them stay home longer to build a deposit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Col_Lover Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Ok, no one is in university , My oldest boy has two investment units. he is in the process off selling one for the deposit on his house, he gets married next year so he will be gone then. My next oldest also has two investment units, and is the night fill manager at the local woollies, so we hardly see him. My youngers 19 works with me in my business and is saving for his first house, he and his girlfriend have their heads screwed on, both saving like crazy so they can move out. I personally an not going to kick my kids out until they are stable, In Australian we want to see our kids survive, they do not blow their $$, they save it. That is the rules of living at home. And as I said, they are my 3 best friends. If it wasn't for them being at home I would have left long ago. Link to post Share on other sites
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