What constitutes abuse?

[Lady Di]

After 10 years, I'm not sure. Here's my list of words from him, there's more, but this was in the moment.

 

I'm a successful business woman (but a stupid co-dependent). He says he is justified in pretty much everything, or somehow "forgets" he said things.

 

As a pre-requisite, I'm 5'6", 120lbs, an athlete, and always the one who gets attention from people. He seems to be jealous most of the time.

 

Is this abuse? Or is is normal in a relationship?

 

 

1) You are a bad mom

2) I would never want to have kids with you

3) I want to have kids, but not with you

4) I’m glad we didn’t have kids and I’m glad we didn’t have the one you were pregnant with

5) You are a psycho bitch

6) How could I be attracted to you, see you naked getting out of the shower disgusted me

7) I really don’t have anything to say to you

8) I might as well leave if I have to pay my way (when I said we need to split bills 50/50)

9) I hate being married to you (while he is in las vegas and getting calls from strange numbers

10) I would be a better person to someone else

11) I don’t want to be with you cause its easier with other people

]12) You need to be more like (insert girls name he was hot after and slept with and I’m still not sure that the kid she has is his)

13) Its getting old after 6 years of doing things with you (just after I found out he was having an affair)

14) I could easily find somebody better than you and I will=

15) I wouldn’t marry someone like you again

16) You are old and unlovable

17) I’m with you until something better comes

18) You hold me back

19) I turn too thers for attention cause I don’t get it from you

20) You are a flat ass wide cunt

21) We have nothing between us anymore

22) You are not lovable, no body has ever loved you and you will never be loved

23) I hate you and I’m sick of you

24) you make single look really good

25) you are a naggin bitch (over and over)

26) I only love you when you act just like I want

27) Why do women need to get beat, because they can’t shut their mouth

28) You don’t matter to me anymore

29) You are nothing without money (I support him)

30) You are trash quit thinking you are high and mighty (when I took too long talking to my daughter on a patio of a bar during her first leave from medical school)

31) The sound of your voice makes me sick

32) He can do better than you (when talking about a business associate he was jealous of),said randomly in front of my daughter=

33) You are unloveable Diane and nobody will ever love you

34) You can deal with your own problems on your own

35) I didn’t sign up for this (several things: for being someone that supports his wife, for being a step father and having responsibility)

36) Loser bitch of a wife (so many times I can’t remember)

37) you are a bitch….its pretty much a weekly thing

Edited October 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed code and added spaces

[jakrbbt]

"Abuse" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, and is at the same time, a legitimate term and something that happens. There isn't any super-sanctioned Institute of Abuse Awareness that can label the behavior and then authorize you to walk away from it with a clear conscience. But if there was, I think that that institute would call those comments abuse, especially if in the context of an otherwise unfulfilling, controlling relationship.

 

What I know, without being a member of the Institute of Abuse Awareness, is that you never have to be with someone you're miserable with. If you're miserable with your partner because he has buck teeth, you can leave him--and neither he nor anyone else has the right to stop you. Now it might be unadviseable and shallow, and cause a lot of unnecessary emotional pain, but you can certainly do it and no one can stop you or even try. A relationship is never a unilateral choice. It requires consent from both parties.

 

But in your case, most people would be miserable and hurt from those comments, of course. Who wouldn't? Most would feel traumatized and perhaps even physically stressed to the point of illness. Can yhou address the comments with your spouse/significant other? Counseling? Or are you looking for advice on whether to leave? You don't have to put up with those comments, and most reasonable people would not.

[carhill]

Considering the content of this thread posted around four years ago, I'd opine, between the actions and words stated here and the past infidelity, the marital contract has sufficient grounds to be terminated for cause. It's Monday. Get started today. The first step is the hardest one.

[PegNosePete]

Who cares which pigeon-hole his actions fit into?

If you're not happy with your marriage, end it.

[Zahara]

Or is is normal in a relationship?

 

Asking if this is normal behavior is disturbing. You've been conditioned to such an extent that you believe it could possibly be normal or that you're trying to justify his actions because it allows you to hide behind your inability to do the right thing.

 

It doesn't matter if it constitutes abuse or not -- no one should ever accept being treated that way.

[d0nnivain]

The behaviors you described are rude & mean but I'm not willing to say they are abusive.

 

Nevertheless, it doesn't sound like there is any reason to remain married

[Arieswoman]

Lady Di,

I don't know about North America but in UK these comments would be considered Mental Cruelty/Unreasonable behavior, and grounds for divorce.

 

You need to keep a list of his nasty comments (times/dates/frequency etc) and see a Divorce Lawyer.

 

He has already said that

 

14) I could easily find somebody better than you and I will=

 

so let him do just that.

 

I am particularly concerned about this;

 

27) Why do women need to get beat, because they can’t shut their mouth

 

as it seems to me a veiled threat of physical violence.

 

None of this is any way "normal".

 

Please, please, get out of this toxic relationship before this escalates to spousal physical abuse - and do it NOW.

 

Good luck.

[SoleMate]

As others have suggested......I wouldn't bother with the exact question of "Is this abuse?" It devolves into semantics and runs a high risk of derailing the correct decisions you need to make. (Although IMO, this is 100% textbook verbal abuse of the nastiest kind...designed to break your spirit and render you helpless.) I'd ask the more important and urgent and perfectly on-topic question: "Given this behavior, do I want to stay married to this man?" The answer is No, you don't. His words are cruel, heartless, undermining, and completely incompatible with the slightest happiness in marriage.

 

The good news is since you're not financially dependent on him, there should be minimal practical concerns. Just get off the fence and make this long overdue decision. If he's ever shown signs of physical violence, get help from a women's shelter with a safe exit plan. And good luck!

[Joytherapy]

Thank you for sharing so openly! Have you considered the issues that he may have that make him act this way? Do you believe the hurtful things he says? I would definetly suggest counseling. I can suggest some places to start if your interested.

 

~Ducktapetherapy77

[broken2828]

That's verbal/emotional abuse. Not sure why some here are downplaying it, when i posted a thread confessing to MUCH less damaging behavior people in this same community were quick to villify me.

 

Its obvious and very serious abuse. Trust me, ive read many books and articles on the subject.

[WasOtherWoman]

He sounds like a tool....

 

.....to the curb.

 

edited: TEN YEARS? really? why??????