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I was with a woman for 15 years. We had our ups and downs but managed through to build a good life. She left me two months ago and I felt her leave me a month before that.

 

I was devastated and broken at my core. I have no family and one friend my co workers try to help, but they have enough to do. I kept my self busy, I sought counseling, I was getting over this. I am becoming a better person I feel it every day.

 

I found out last night that she had an affair and now he is coming around my kids. I know all the details. My children are very young just babies. All the pain is back. My soul is split in half again. I am alone and lost again. I am seriously ****ed up. I have my kids with me, but I'm alone in my office and weeping shaking and trying not to have a panic attack.

 

I don't know what to do I cannot stop shaking. say anything anything please.

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First things first. BREATHE and pull it together for right this second because your children are present and so you must be present with them.

 

When they go to sleep either nap or bed, let it out. Just hold on for right now okay?! I'm worried about you *

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He'll there, 15 years.. Wow that's a mightly long time. I was in for 7 so I know what you are going through. The counseling will help you, but the social anxiety, the loss of appetite, the hopelessness, the shaking and panic attacks.. All come with the withdrawal symptoms of a broken heart.

 

Yup Ive been in your shoes, you will go through the cycles of grief. It's been almost a year and a half and I don't get that many nightmares of the other guy mounting her anymore. You will be at peace but you must seek it for yourself.

 

Your heart will fight your brain, it will take some time. Don't fight it, admit you are in a lot of pain and go through it. Don't avoid it and escape from it. Work out, meet new people, put all the focus on yourself. Don't think to contact the dumper. You might seek closure but it's not real, it'll make things worse. That person you once knew is dead, and you must treat it like so.

 

It took me a while to leave my couch and stop feeling sorry for myself. My ex is long gone. I have myself, I will work on myself and be the best me. No words can describe the feeling of betrayal and rejection from someone you thought would never leave you. Don't worry. Everything will be ok, it'll just take time. Look deep into your soul. You will soon realize you never needed this person. You can do this on your own, and it'll make you that much stronger. You deserve better I know it. I've been through it, you've been through it. We've been through it. Show yourself your worth. Then one day your ex will look at you scratching their head, and you won't even care anymore because you're looking even better then you were with them.

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Thank you.

 

I did the responsible thing and got my financials in order a month before she left. I watched it happen in slow motion. We had a great time on vacation everything was perfect and the next day the train wreck started. Cold distance, hair color change, nails done, working out, etc... I honestly didn't know who she was when she left. She was a fantastic mother and partner. I owed her my entire life. The woman I knew and loved was gone. She is someone I never knew before. I stumbled onto this site right after she left and I began the healing with rebuilding. Therapy, books, healthy eating, I'm finishing my degree I put off, stopped drinking, lifting weights. The women are coming from every direction wonderful women who I should have shared my life with and I'm not interested in anything but my children. I'm so broken inside.

 

She left and I got the deed signed over in my name. I got a DNA test done on the youngest and 99.998 sure it's mine. She wanted out so bad she told me just give her the half of the equity in the house and she didn't want child support. She has been dragging her feet on the shared parenting contract we were working on and now my mind is racing. A lot of hiding and lying going on right now.

 

I could not find the birth certificates or SSN cards. She told me she took them last night. He lives 8 hours away near Canada. She won't sign the shared parenting contract. I contacted the police because the documents were stolen from the filing cabinet they told me to contact my lawyer I did. I don't know what he can do we were never legally married and in my state she is the custodial parent until he files. I'm scared she is going to take my children and leave.

 

I've had two hours of sleep since this started and I started the the texting asking for some answers after my 4 yr old started talking about the other guy last night and my eldest confirmed it all. It hurt that my eldest didn't share this with me before. I can't blame her she having a hard time too.

 

My ex is acting like this is no big deal and he's just a guy she's talking to and I'm over reacting. Guys don't travel 8 hours one way to talk and last month was the first I heard of this guy as someone at her cousins back yard fire. Im in shock. My 4 year old is talking about him again. it hurts so bad. I'm going to put babies to bed and lift some weights.

 

This place has saved me in so many ways. Without all the reading here I would have gone off the edge of the world. Any thing helps I have to let this blackness leave me I'm lifting heavy. I will come back for more when Im done. Just writing this is therapeutic.

 

All of you - When you meet your maker smile with him because he will know you saved another humans life. You earned your wings.

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I'm pretty drained right now. I just have to sort this out.

 

We met when we were young you already had a small child from another man and were going through a divorce or I thought was already done. 4 months later you were sick every morning and I knew you were pregnant. 1 month later you had your first episode of rage on me and I chalked it up to you being pregnant. I was 25 you were 19.

 

You had no home, a 5 y/o child, no job, no school, no possessions and very little money. I wanted to leave you after our 3rd month together I knew I couldn't when you were pregnant and I wish I had when you raged on me.

 

I raised your daughter from another man. I had to get your husbands name off our daughters birth certificate and battle the IRS because of it. I made sure all of us had a roof over us, food and money in the bank. I loved you unconditionally and made sure you stayed employed. I worked in every ****ty factory job that would take me. I went to college and worked full time so we could have a better life. I finally got you to go to college and become a nurse so you would have a better life if I died. We fought and fought and fought. We grew apart and we grew back together. College brought out your OCD monster. It was brutal. I wanted to leave you so bad during clinicals, but I didn't.

 

We lived in a house with no heat in the winter, to a trailer in a trailer park, onto a beautiful home that we would raise our future children in. I started my own business and it was successful. Your College was over and I wanted to hear the swish of diapers. We had our second your third child.

 

I made sure your daughter made it to a good college. I spent hours tutoring her and explaining how life is not easy and you must work for all of it while you were at school or working at the hospital. She is doing better than either of us ever did. She refuses to talk to me now.

 

I got a job offer at a fantastic company in a dream career I took it and ran with it. You were happy for us. You were a RN I was an Engineer our future was too bright. Our first child together was doing well and our second was here.

 

I begged you to get on BC after our third I didn't want anymore you refused. We grew apart. I studied more for my career and you worked 12 hour shifts all night and slept all day. I tried to do things together. It always ended in a fight. I always fought back. We barely talked and you were never intimate with me. It hurt me. I lost my friend. I went into depression and isolated myself. You did the same.

 

We had a great week and we loved each other again. You got pregnant and I couldn't believe it. Your fourth and our third. You were happy I was scared and upset we were just getting ahead and now we we'd have two babies and one going into High School. We disagreed on everything. I felt trapped. We argued bitterly through your pregnancy. You daughter argued with me and threatened me with incarceration I threw her out. You said I needed help and we needed therapy. I refused, because it was on the basis of arguing and removing your other child from our house for being violent. I should have went then. The baby came and everything was becoming normal again.

 

Then it hit us. My career was taking it's toll you were working and sleeping more. I was becoming depressed and I think you were too. We stopped talking and stopped touching. I kept pushing you away and you kept arguing with me on everything. Belittling and angry with me in public. You were not the same person anymore I didn't know you. You started to do malicious things to me. You wouldn't talk to me about anything. You saw me for an hour a day and complained about work for 45 minutes.

 

We were happy again we were talking again. You were my friend again. I got fixed so you didn't have to stay on BC, because it made you gain so much weight. I was in pain and you raged on me. A nurse snapped on her patient. You avoided me and we're on the computer or texting all the time. We went on vacation and had an amazing time. The pictures we took showed us in so much love. It was the first time in 15 years we took a vacation alone. I think now those pictures were fake you were posing for something other than us. That kills me even more.

 

We came home and within one week you were someone else. Someone scary. The loving mother to my children was gone. My friend died. It was about your happiness. How you looked and felt. You were mean to me. You left the baby in the middle of the floor screaming. I asked if you wanted me to get a bottle and you had already left the room. That was the first time you ever did not attend to a baby. The transformation was complete. It was over. I picked up the baby fed her and started to process protection for my children and myself. I told you I was falling out of love with you.

 

One month later you told me I love you but not in love with you. I heard every lame excuse you could muster for leaving. I only cared about my career and money. I never loved you. You needed to find our who you were. You just wanted out and didn't want to be the bad guy in this. I lawyered up fast. I begged for us to go to therapy you said no it was over and you resented me. Please I was willing to do anything. You told me you wasted 15 years of your life with me and you should have left me 5 years ago. You signed off on the house and I gave you your money. Then you just wanted to be my friend. I no contacted you as much as I could.

 

Everyone asked if you were cheating I told them all no you would never do something like that. You just wanted to start over or needed a break. I know now you were cheating. The friend thing is in case this new guy doesn't work out. I doubt he will.

 

My soul is destroyed now. I now have an empty and broken home. My kids are scared and anxious. Our eldest is confused and sad. Our baby will never know her true mother and father together.

 

1 month after you left you gently brought another man into their life. 2 months after you left you have him staying over. My kids are confused and I am broken again. You'll never admit to the affair you are too proud to admit when you are wrong. I had to learn about it from our 4 year old child.

 

If anyone read all of this word vomit thanks. Any advice you want to give I'm listening.

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Fight hard for your kids. Get copies of their Birth Cert.'s, go to your Government office and ask for copies there. It may cost, but well worth the money.

 

She has no right to take your kids away from you, married or not. She is selfish and cruel, as it's affecting those little ones deeply too.

 

Sorry you're hurting and going through this. Make sure your lawyer can do everything possible to get your kids back so you two can have shared custody.

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Gah, your post cut me to the bone. I feel your raw pain and anxiety so clearly that it pains me... mostly because I've been there.

 

Your relationship sounds so stressful that you should be feeling some relief that it's over. I know you probably don't right now because everything is so raw and painful.

 

The best advice I can give you is to focus on your kids. They are going to need you full time now.

 

Oh, and make sure your lawyer is following through on custody and support issues. Don't do what I did and wait hoping you could all work it out yourselves. You need some legal guidance right now.

 

The only other thing I can tell is to take it one step at the time. Pick one thing at a time to focus on and follow through on it. Keep yourself as busy as possible.

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She called me last night to talk about the other guy. I tried to be as diplomatic as I could.

 

I said having another guy around the children after being with their father after 15yrs is not healthy. She said she felt bad and it wasn't meant to be that way. He only saw the eldest for two 10 min visits and the little ones for 2 hours. Since he was just stopped in. I told her she can do what she wants its not healthy for the kids though. We are both adults and I'm not naive enough to think he just wanted to talk. She snickered a bit and said well this was going to happen sometime. She said she understood why I would think she was going to take the kids away, but it was nothing like that. She wasn't going anywhere. As the call progressed I could hear her crying on the other end and I just broke and told her it hurts me deeply that she moved onto another man after 15 years of being my partner, my left half, my best friend. We've been through so much together. In return I was told coldly "yes, but this was over long before I left. You told me you didn't love me and didn't want to be with me." I talked about therapy again and she said it was pointless it's over.

 

She holds onto every bad thing I've ever said and uses them as justification for leaving. I explain each of them or try to reason why things were said or done, but she just brings up a new one. I told her I could throw out a million things that could justify our arguments, but it's petty and needs to be left in the past. You can't go forward if you hold onto the past. She said she was trying to move forward with her life past me.

 

Told me the BC and SSN Card she stated she took by accident when she grabbed other documents one day I let her get some things.

 

All of it BS. She planned to take those things and has moved onto another man. Just hearing her voice hurts. I can't even look her in the eyes when I pick up my children. She finds that exhilarating and acts happy or that she's won an argument almost floating across the house with a smile on her face. I just don't understand this is so painful for me I have no smiles left. If I do look her in the eyes she thinks we're friends and starts to talk to me like a buddy. I don't know what to do about this.

 

I fell into a deep sleep last night and had a dream of us being happy seeing her smile and I couldn't control myself and grabbed her and made passionate love to her. I could hear my soul tell her I loved her over and over as I kissed her.

 

I woke up and gathering my senses and realized I'm physically sick now. I felt the loneliness again I just started crying. I didn't want to get out of bed. I try to control the crying as I watch cartoons with the kids.

 

I've been reading another thread on here about a womans husband who left suddenly. It's helping. I will talk to my lawyer in the morning and start the process of getting new Birth Certs from the health department.

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Some advice on what to do here would be helpful and appreciated.

 

When we first split she would drop the kid off at the house and try to hang around and talk. It started to get where she was trying to parent the kids after she dropped them off by hanging out and helping with homework. I cut that short and asked her to leave. It upset her greatly and she slammed the door on the way out. Shortly after I was asked to start to pick up the kids.

 

At first I tried to be nice, but it took on a role of "Hey we're super good friends. Lets talk about the kids and all the cool stuff I did today!" I was just in shock and didn't want anything to do with friendship. She was my wife just come home. So I started to go NC. It had to be modified since we have kids.

 

I got a notebook to share important dates like when she gave any medicine to the kids, but she refuses to use it. When I emailed her the schedule or things about the house or the lawyers she never responds or I get "Sounds Great!" as a response. She just wants to talk face to face and when we do she acts real friendly like we're besties. This is bizarre to me. I can't look her in the eye it hurts so bad. I can't even look at her. I start to long for her again and want to hold her.

 

How do I go about doing this? If I don't look at her she is excited and happy and acts like I got issues and she was right for leaving. If I do look at her she wants to talk about her day and I just long for her even more.

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Get yourself together my friend. It's all eventually going to be ok. And while I'm ok about 90% of the time.....there is still that 10% where I just sink.

 

1.) Get into a church, divorce care, or some counseling - it will help you tremendously.

2.) Get to a gym and start working out like a madman. You will get in the best shape of your life.

3.) Find some new hobbies, call up old friends, make some new friends....get involved with something to stay busy.

4.) Focus on what makes you happy. For me, it's my kids. I pretty much have become superdad.

 

It will get better. It takes time. Reach out to those that will help you. YOU will improve as a person. Do not blame yourself for everything.....I'm sure like the rest of us, there are things you would have changed had you known it was coming to this....but there is no excuse.

 

You wife is the enemy. I know you don't want to hear it or believe it. She isn't coming back. Lawyer up and try to bury her. We've all been there, and wish we would have listened better. She isn't your partner anymore. She has destroyed you and your kid's family life.

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Ex came over to talk about our eldest and some of the problems shes having. It ended with my eldest not wanting to come over anymore and the ex gas lighting me over and over.

 

I was just floored. I played a game with my eldest and because I wasn't talking much I was angry and sad. I was told I can't act or feel that way in front of my kids. I just cannot be this way. I was told that I've never changed and all of my actions show it. I'm an angry man and you can't erase a lifetime of anger. I was attacked verbally and emotionally by my ex and my first born. She left with her mother and was very smug about it. This is too much to handle. I have changed I am a better person I have put forth a very honest effort to never be the person I was before this. I listen more and I think before I speak. I'm just hurt. All the work I've done to show my Ex I changed and a different person was erased by this event.

 

As far as anger goes... I've never been less angry than I've been the last 3 months. I never was an angry person I just fought back when attacked. The knot in the middle of my brow is gone. It was so bad I was going to get botox to fix it. There is no tension in my neck anymore either. I don't feel like I'm going to be attacked anymore when I come home.

 

I should have never said a word to my eldest I treated her like an adult and a friend. I really screwed up. She told her mother every single word I said good and bad every move I made good and bad. She comes over here and does the same to me about her mother. This was a huge mistake to make. She's 14. To anyone reading this do not ever talk to your kids about any of this no matter how hurt you are.

 

I just curled up into a ball and cried. My ex told me things over and over that I knew were not true they just were not true. I said nothing to some, apologized for most and denied others until I knew her rage was coming then I backed down. Maybe I deserve this. I don't know. I'm a good person so why does everyone leave me.

 

I went to the lawyers today. He put in a petition to keep the children in state. Added some lines about excessive requested support and the new boy friend coming around the kids. I'm going to the health dept. for new birth certificates.

 

She had to pick up the kids this morning. I have chosen to be nice to her. I cannot do NC it just makes me look like a bad person that has never changed and will always treat her like crap. I was told that you never look at me and treat me like crap when you pick up the kids. I don't want her to think that. I just want peace. I just smiled and talked nicely acted indifferent. I showed her some of her things I packed up and where they were. Let her take some stuff. She acted very surprised by it all. Almost relieved by it. She waved and smiled as she left. I did the same.

 

I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean all alone. The bad times are coming. I have no control over this. I've only had three gut wrenching cries today. I cry so hard I cannot scream. I've eaten 3 protein shakes and slept maybe 10 hours in 3 or 4 days. This will get better.

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So it's been roughly 90 days since my wife of 15 years has left me. When I started this post I think we were separated 30 days or so.

 

I've followed all the advice given on this site and here is where I stand today..

 

I started college back up. I am finishing my first class on Thursday. It's an accelerated course. Trying to work through my school work has been difficult to say the least. Every time something would happen between me and my Ex it would send my thoughts into a tail spin and I couldn't concentrate, but I managed to get through it.

 

I sought counselling. I don't agree with some of the things the therapist says, but she has made me look and see things in a very different light. Honestly made me step back and think about the situation differently.

 

I reconnected with friends and family that I hadn't talked to in years. I absolutely cannot believe the amount of support they have given me. It's like they are different people all together. I asked them to be honest with me tell me how I really am. This made me admit to my flaws and fix them along the way. My friendships have never been stronger and I respect my friends in a much deeper way. I feel the old me dying and the new me rising.

 

I read books on grieving, loss, co parenting, and anger management. All of these things help create a better me as I am today. I am able to be a better parent to my children. I now take them everywhere with me; to the zoo, the river, friends houses, everywhere I can. They hang all over me when I pick them up and they are so happy to see me. I am happier and healthier because of it.

 

Speaking of healthy I stopped drinking and I lost 24 lbs. and I am lifting heavy weight again and looking and feeling great. You can see my abs again and my chest and arms are getting chiseled!

 

My job has been very tough to work through since I am alone in an office all day, but my co workers have supported me just as well as my friends have. I now have a deeper respect for each of them and thank them all the time. I honestly cannot believe how supportive my team of co workers have been.

 

I am slowly but surely rebuilding my house room by room. It keeps my mind occupied and gives me something to take the anger out on. When I can't study I do carpentry.

 

I volunteer at the homeless shelter. Looking at those men and women made me realize I really don't have it that bad and I will get through this. I will be sleeping outside with them for charity in two weeks.

 

I go between the five stages of grief everyday. I still cry, but it's not the soul breaking soundless screams I used to. I get angry. I get sad. I get happy and accept my fate. I talk to myself a lot and play out arguments and defenses in my car as I drive to work. I remind myself not to say any of this and to keep it to myself. The time will come. It's a form of therapy for me and it helps a lot. I do it quietly at work too and one day passed a mirror as I was having an argument with myself. I looked like I did before she left. A knot in my brow, squinty eyes, hunched tense shoulders. That was it... I knew it was time to heal. So I started letting go.

 

I became a better father. I started accepting my life as a single father. I have the house, a car, my education, my fantastic career, my health is back, I stopped drinking, my relationships are stronger now than they ever where before. I am broke due to child support and taking on all the bills, but I am happier than I was 4 months ago.

 

I went on a date. I was 100% honest about everything and she didn't care. She had been through it too. She actually has almost everything I ever wanted in a woman. So I told her I must take this very very slow I am still messed up inside and I need time. She said take all the time you need a solid foundation is better than quicksand. Wow... So we just talked for hours while looking over the lake until the sun set.

 

Had to do something with the Ex and my girls for a couple hours. I treated her like my Ex and did a 180. I treated my children like the super father I am. She was very offended and upset that I didn't ask how her day was, what she was doing for the weekend, her, her, her... and I was told that I blew it; that I had my chance that night and I hadn't changed a bit. At first I was confused, because I was nothing but polite, cordial and upbeat. Then the weekend came and she went to the other guys house with the kids. It all became clear. She is having second thoughts and wanted me to pursue her. If I flirted with her and still chased she was willing to think about us and maybe drop the other guy. Well that sun has set. She is a very bitter and angry woman and I see that now. I don't find her physically attractive anymore and I get sick to my stomach thinking about her with the other guy. I will never trust her or kiss her lips again and I will never touch her sexually in any way. I just cannot do it.

 

My little one told me after the weekend at the other guys house about the how mommy doesn't want her to talk about him in front of dad, because it makes him sad and that's not nice. I told my little one that I don't get sad and it's OK to talk about him. He's a nice guy and then I thought now is a perfect time to end the secrecy and games. I will not have my child be used and lied to like that or have secrets held from me.

 

I called her up and wished her well. Told her I was happy for her and I hope he treats her well and that she is happy. No need to worry about it I'm not sad by it and I wish her nothing but the best in life. The response I got was Ummm..... Ooohhhh kkaaaayy.... and I said alright well; I'll talk to you later.. in a very happy upbeat tone and hung up. I took the high road and the air smelled great up there.

 

I feel like a weight was lifted off my back in a way. I'm still sad at times. I get angry and I still cry. It hurts me deeply I was replaced so fast. It hurts deeply my best friend and other half decided I was no longer worth it. My house is empty without my family. I still get told how bad of a person I am, but it doesn't affect me as much any more. All I see now is a sad, bitter angry woman with low self esteem and I just feel sorry for her. I wanted to give her a better life than what she had growing up with. I just couldn't fix that kind of broken.

 

Out of all of this my family - not her - is what I miss. That was what I loved the most in that relationship it was my family. That is what I wanted more than anything. My children to have both their mother and father loving them and they to be in one house together. That is what kills me slowly and what I regret the most. That is the guilt and cross that I will carry for all of this.

 

I am in a better place now, but I have a long journey ahead of me. I will solider on and I will be better for it. I will work hard not to back slide. I will continue to be a better me.

 

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for all your help.

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DSP.

 

You are definitely getting better. You are an inspiration to me. My wife is leaving me for another man after a long term marriage. I am trying to move forward by improving myself as well. You are doing so many positive things for yourself and your children.

 

I am only 30 days in but i am starting to heal. This is probably the toughest thing we will ever do but we will come out stronger then we went in.

 

I am lucky in that my only son is in college so I don't have to deal with the child issues. I really feel for you having to deal with your wife and the om. You are taking the high road and that is the only way to go.

 

Keep it up. You are doing greay and I look forward to reading more positive updates in the future.

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Thank you Chew..

 

This still cuts me to the bone, but for the sake of my children I had to make the phone call. I had to be the better man. This won't last I'm sure of it, but the sad thing now is at some point in the future I will have to tell her she is no longer welcome back.

 

I did what every thing you read about NC and 180 says not to do and I called her and asked if we could talk. She agreed and I spoke with her about the regrets I had and how sorry I was for some of the things that happened in the relationship. Contrary to what is said it actually helped heal us both a little bit. It wasn't meant to get her back it was meant to clear the water.

 

I found that she was very lonely and sad. The guy she was seeing either didn't want to be with her or she realized he wasn't good for her. Either way that was failing. She spent all the money I gave her for the house and is broke and has to work all the time. Being a single mother is very hard for her and she was miserable. She now owns a beat up used car, has no house, tons of debt, her family is broken, and has little to no money. This was 2.5 months after she left. Now she is trying to make it work with this guy, which stings a bit, because I wonder why not make it work with me?

 

You are lucky you don't have children that you have to swap back and forth. Seeing my Ex is still painful, but it gets better each time. I tried the NC route and the situation just got bizarre and I was even more lost than before. I decided I needed to keep limited contact, strictly business and nothing personal. Just be polite, kind and open to talk, but don't ask questions. I found that being nice made her even more angry and the less interest I showed the more upset she got. I just keep fighting the good fight. I'm just going to keep being the nice guy that I am.

 

I'm telling you honestly without my friends and family coming to my rescue and listening to me cry and give me advice I wouldn't have made it. If you can make new ones, talk to old ones, anything just find another human to talk to. Keep fighting the good fight Chew. Keep being the better man. Just be nice and do not hold out for hope that she will return. Just keep on being the great guy you are.

 

Something I wanted to share -

 

The night I talked to my Ex about my regrets I told her how I am moving along that I am happy that I've rebuilt my relationships, I'm working on being a better me and counselling was helping. Her response was...

 

Yeah, there it is again... another kick in my teeth. You become the man I always knew you were and you just throw it in my face. Now some other woman is going to get the man I knew you were. It just pisses me off that you spit in my face over and over...

 

I was kind of stunned by the reaction and didn't say anything. I told this to my therapist and she said that maybe she doesn't love you like you think she did. It isn't normal for a person to be angry like that when the man she loves is finally taking the steps to be a better person. Usually it's met with skepticism then after a while the other person is happy and willing to try again. It just isn't a healthy anger to have. Maybe you two are not a good fit.

 

This is what therapy is good for. This gave me a whole new perspective on my life and that woman. I just wanted to share that with anyone who may go through it themselves.

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Thank you Chew..

 

You become the man I always knew you were and you just throw it in my face. Now some other woman is going to get the man I knew you were.

 

 

 

that's what my ex said, "you are the person I always wanted now and somebody else is gonna have you" --- that's just something they say to throw guilt at you and make themselves feel better.

 

 

screw her bro, focus on your kids, show here you are stronger than she thinks, and IMPROVE yourself, heck get a tattoo, or 2 or 3, I cannot stress this enough man, EXERCISE! workout, slim down, tone up, look good, look better, I have 9 months I been exercising daily 30 min a day, with a cleaner diet, and I feel so much better than I did in past 10 years, girls look at me, lotta compliments, they tell me "oh your so skinny", what ive realized is that girls want what they cant have, what that means is, all girls wanna be skinny, and some cant because they are too lazy, so they naturally will get attracted to skinnier guys.

 

 

With your ex, when she sees your improvement, she might not tell you anything, but she will think it.

 

 

like my signature says, live in the moment! live for now, don't live in regret of the past, or the "what ifs" of the future, live now.

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Movingforward2

Man your story is awesome. Keep up the good work. I really, really wish I had taken the advice of those to not look back. While you are moving on, been on a date, etc......I'm mired in constantly being in neutral with my XW as we have 2 daughters. One week it seems like things will work out, the next is just a complete cluster. I feel like I've almost wasted the last 15 months trying to make things work. In reality, it's not going to, and I'm almost at the point of just giving up.

 

I have been on several "dates" with my XW over the past 15 months, and it does nothing more than to complicate the situation. Mine had no cheating involved, just a midlife crisis which I still to this day can't figure out. One week, the woman I know....the next week, someone I don't even recognize.

 

What you are doing is the best route going for sure......Don't look back.

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Thank you Movingfoward...

 

I tried the same thing. Even though my break has been 3 months I thought I need to keep trying no matter what. This was after we talked and I found out the relationship with the OM was starting to falter. I was in denial. I thought I could look past the OM and make it work for my kids.

 

There was an event in the city that we've taken our children to for 15 years. I wasn't going to miss it and it was my time with my children. She asked if she could come to. I agreed and she showed up looking damn good. We stood there together like old times. This time it was different though. She never asked me about my day she only talked about hers and what happened with her friends and her job. When I started to speak about my day she just looked away. In the middle of me speaking she walked away to say Hi to someone. It didn't register until later what had happened and how I got treated. I was being given just enough attention to still want her, but not enough to know I had her back.

 

I read a book that I am not trying to promote, but is relevant to this conversation. It was called the Divorce Remedy. I kept thinking even if this book doesn't help me I've done everything I can to make this work. I read through the book and at the end I thought to myself... Can I put aside the infidelity? Can I forgive for what has happened to my family? Can I wait a year for all of this to mellow out and allow her to come back? The answer the first one was No.. Second one.. No Third one... probably not. I put the book down and cut the golden cord of hope. I was done.

 

I was not going to get treated like I did at the city event ever again. I felt that I deserve better than that. I am a good person with a lot to offer someone. That was what caused me to do the 180 when we went out with the kids the next week. I immediately gained my self confidence back. Even if it was for just 5 minutes. I felt in control again. I had hope.

 

15 months of wishy washy behavior? You gave it all you got more than most. I think you can hang your hat on that. You gave that relationship everything you could possibly give it. You will be able to tell your children one day that you did indeed give it your all.

 

Here is a story from my life and my past relationship and my life today.

 

I would beg my Ex all the time to go out with me. There was always some reason why we couldn't do it. So I either went alone or I stayed home. I always had to pay. I always had to make the plans. I always had to ask. I always had in the back of my mind the fact that we were going to argue over something. Even if it was to go for a walk.

 

Today I got a text from the woman I've been talking to. She texted me this:

 

I have two tickets to the "Big 10 College" hockey game waiting for me at the will call for next Tuesday. I hope you can go... If not I understand.

 

My life is going to get better. I am going to will it better. You life will get better too Mf2. It's time to go... There is a whole life waiting for you.

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DSP I bought that book too man, its a good book but only if both people want to make it work. If only 1 person wants it, it wont work. I still have it there, and like an idiot I tried sitting my ex down and telling her we could both read it together, now I look back how pathetic I was, time to toss it out now that I think about it.

 

 

movingforward, I was in a similar situation, I thought we could work things out, by going out, going on dates, etc, that's what she told me she wanted, she wanted me to win her back (wtf?) she said she was gonna put me on the same level playing field as other guys and I needed to win her back just like I did once. it crossed my mind and I seriously considered it, but I couldn't do it, im glad I didn't. Eff that and eff her, I told her I wouldn't do it. I was not about try competing with other guys on winning my wife back, whom I gave 13 years, whom had 3 kids with, a home, a life.

 

 

What I would recommend man, is go on social sites like plentyoffish.com or get the tinder app to meet people, it will help you meet other people if you don't like going out much, some people are in very similar situations or even worse, and who knows, you might find a new friend there. I found a girl on one of those and we clicked so good, been going out, she brought me back to life man.

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I had a bad day two days ago. I completely broke down yesterday and gave back two cards. The Ace of Hearts and the Queen of Hearts. Told her I still loved her and to please come back home and lets work on this. Lets divorce the past 15 years and start fresh. She said no and I gave her back all the power. The Ex gives me just enough to be upset and confused then pulls the rug out and shuts the door again.

 

I should have just shut my mouth, because once I had my children home I learned the horrible truth.

 

She isn't happy with this loser, but she's ready to play the field and keep this fool on a leash until she can move on. Sad thing is my little ones are getting attached to him. My eldest says he's weird and she doesn't like him very much. Ex is trying to get my kids to like this guy so hard. It's sick. They have absolutely nothing in common. He just treats her nice. Eldest is just as shocked as I am now. Said to me I can't believe she left all of this for that guy. He lives in a house that stinks like burnt wood and is as big as our living room. Good to see I had a chance to recoup from the biggest mistake I ever made with my Eldest.

 

After all the paperwork is signed I'm done trying to keep the peace. She's a piece of trash and simply disgusts me now. I have something waiting for me that is so much better in so many ways and I'm holding onto the past. She isn't even real. She is just a memory now.

 

The table is going to turn quickly after the holidays. She says stupid things like "you should date.." "you need to get out of the house.." "You're getting too skinny, because I'm not there to cook for you anymore.." How about you just shut the **** up? How about that.

 

As soon as she learns of the new woman in my life and the newness of the old childhood crush is gone she's going to have to take stock. If not now she will by January or February.

 

Eldest doesn't want to stay there anymore.

She's broke.

She's alone at night, because her man lives so far away.

She's in deep debt.

She works 3 times as much as before.

She no longer owns a house.

Her bills are 3 times as much as before.

Nobody cares about her drama anymore.

She gave up stability for excitement.

She broke up her family.

The guy she left me for is a loser and they have nothing in common.

She's a single mother of three kids. Two are babies.

Even though she acts like it. She's not a teenager anymore.

She will realize the man that loved, protected and took care of her is gone. She had a great life it's all gone.

The woman that replaced her is exactly who I wanted in my life. She'll see that from all the pictures I'll be posting of my good days.

 

Passed my accelerated course Thursday... +1. Cried like a broken man for hours -1. Zero sum.

 

Went to therapy and learned some damn good things +1. Went to homeless shelter seen I could have it worse. Helped a bunch of people. +1 Cried to my ex begged her back -2. Zero sum.

 

Got my balls back yesterday +1. My eldest isn't happy there and will be coming home soon +1. Eldest is sorry for telling mom all the bad things and realized it was a mistake. +1 Eldest is seeing things and is open to talk to me as a father without fearing repercussion. +1. Teaching my eldest how to play the guitar again +1. - +5 for the day and I'm not looking back.

 

Things are looking up again. Can't believe I stumbled.

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justaplottwist

I have lurked here for the last 10 months. Your post made me come out of hiding.

 

You have absolutely given me hope that there are men out there that have a heart and real, human feelings. After dealing with my stbxh for almost a year, I was losing hope.

 

Your story is very similar to mine (aren't they all?)....but what made me post was the story you gave about the city event and how she treated you.

 

That has happened to me more than a few times over the the last year. I likened it to the "Charlie Brown and the Football" scene. I KNEW how it would play out....but I hoped that ...this...time...would...be...different.

 

NOPE. Same thing...every time. It would feel like a family..we would be laughing and joking....having a GREAT time....and at some point I would "test the waters" ..and he would look at me like I had two heads for even thinking such a thing. I now think he enjoyed doing that.

 

Each time it would happen, I would be so angry at myself for doing it AGAIN. I would lose so much mental ground. And even worse, so would my son. It was confusing. I thought I was being the "bigger person" by doing it. And I believe I was doing it so I could give every last chance...down to the bitter dust...so I would know I did everything I could.

 

And then I was done a month ago. I hit rock bottom. Did the same kind of crying you did....and then just decided I had done everything I could. And I could look at myself in the mirror now...and 10 years from now...and say that. And say that to my son.

 

And so I filed for divorce this week. A divorce I didn't want. A divorce I can't afford. A divorce that has completely destroyed everything I have worked for and loved.

 

I'm so glad I saw your post today. I feel a renewed hope that there ARE people out there I will be able to connect with at some point....and that not everyone is selfish..or lacks feelings..or empathy.

 

Thank you. I wish you luck in your journey.

 

"just a plot twist":)

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Oberfeldwebel

I see a recurring theme through this thread. I don't think this has as much to do with any man and a whole bunch to do with her. It seems like a lot of me, me, me as you discuss her. Don't do the crying, begging stuff, you couldn't get her to run away faster if you chased her with a stick. She is no longer your buddy, pale or friend, she is your soon-to-be-ex-wife. She is also the mother of your children and should be treated respectfully for there sake. When you have time, make it as fun and meaningful as possible. There is no need for her to intrude on your time. You have come a long way and understand you are going to be a roller coaster of emotions for awhile, but it does get better. Stay busy leading your life that you don't have time for hers. It's a brave new world out there cowboy.

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DSP,

 

Sorry about the situation. I totally understand the relapse and the asking her to come back. I have already done it once, never doing it again.

 

I have to ask you about the new woman in your life that you mentioned. I have been spending time with another woman as well over the last week or so. She knows my situation, although she does not know my wife. I am enjoying the hell out of spending time with her, however I kind of feel that I am just using her to get over my pain. Relationship is totally platonic however I can sense that she wants more eventually and I am thinking about it as well.

 

Even though I know that my wife is gone, I think I am moving way too fast in my new friendship. But it is so nice to have someone to hang with , etc that I don't want to stop. I kind of feel that this is how my cheating wife feels with her new guy.

 

How is it with you and the new girl? Do you think you genuinely like her or are you just trying to fill the hole in your heart? I am not judging of course, just wondering what you think as I am in a similar situation.

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Plottwist

 

Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry you have to go through this for any reason. There are many men out here just like me and you DID do everything you could to make it work. Fix yourself first and be the greatest mother you can at the same time. It's the greatest advice I EVER listened to. Once you do that you will look at men differently and it will allow your mind not to be angry or bitter or make the new man pay for the mistakes of your Ex.

 

I too hoped it would turn out better. That time, then next time, the last time. It's always the same. I didn't do something or say something right and I get crucified for it and told this is all my fault over and over and I'll never change. I'm over that and I'm becoming immune to it. After you walk away you will too. Once you become angry enough and stop looking at this person as an extension of you it becomes easier to become immune to it and see it for what it is - disrespect and deflection from their own flaws.

 

Ober

 

You couldn't be more correct in your observation. She has become narcissistic and self absorbed in a very unhealthy way. When I first noticed it I thought it was being done in my presence to upset me and show me she had moved on. After my eldest told me what has been going on and the weird things she does now I see now it's a psychological or emotional problem not me. I now worry for the health of my children and oddly enough my therapist said she might start to harm my children. Which according to my eldest she is. Everything my therapist said in session became true 12 hours later. To see a woman who was so good and righteous, beautiful and loving was a wonderful mother and partner fall apart and become a selfish immature monster is heart breaking on it's own. The helper in me wants to fix her still. Weakness in me I guess.

 

As soon as the paperwork is signed I will verbally have to tell her what you said and what I've been thinking. She isn't my friend, buddy or pal. If she has it problem it's not mine and to deal with it on her own. She's the mother of my children and that's all I'll give her. I'm pretty worried about the aftermath of that one, but it's got to be done and honestly after what I've been through I don't care what the response will be.

 

Chew

 

The new girl has gone through what I am going through and she is keeping this relationship platonic. She is very intelligent and thoughtful and has said she thinks in the future my Ex will come back and until that time or until she thinks it's the right time we will be nothing but friends. She wants more than that, but she's realistic too. I have a ton of respect for that and I thank her all the time for just being my friend and listening to me. I was very honest with her and told her I was very messed up inside and I need time to fix that before I do anything more. She said take your time.

 

Honestly Chew I do feel like I am using her to get over my Ex at times. Not as much as I used to though and not to fill the hole in my heart. If for nothing more then validation that I'm a good guy. Other times I am very happy to hear from her and other times I just want to share the good parts of my day with her. She cannot replace what I had simply because she is polar opposite of what I had. So that is a good thing.

 

The hole in my heart is being filled with just being better than what I was before. The therapy, self help books, speaking softly and concise, being more involved with my children, education and working at the shelter these things are filling that hole and rebuilding me. These things also help keep me grounded if she chose to walk away from this as well.

 

If you think you are moving to fast then you are. It's only fair though that you are honest with the new girl in telling her this. Don't go too deep into details, but be honest. Women are different and they will honor and respect your honesty and in the end have deeper adoration for you because of it.

 

That was the last time I will ever ask my Ex to come back. I will never ever stoop to that level again and be humiliated like I was after I found out the truth from my child.

 

I am going to use this thread as my journal. I am in no position to give advice I just share what I am going through and I need to get these things out of my head and even though I could do it on paper I've already started here. I realize this is forever on the internet and that may be a good thing...

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Evans Blue - Thank you for writing The Melody and the Energetic Nature of Volume. It is the most beautiful symphony to the destruction of my life.

 

 

I'm fine in the fire. I feed on the friction. I'm right where I should be. I'm going to fix me.

 

It's so pitiful what you are just as beautiful as you are. I should have seen this coming all along...

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DSP

 

"The hole in my heart is being filled with just being better than what I was before. The therapy, self help books, speaking softly and concise, being more involved with my children, education and working at the shelter these things are filling that hole and rebuilding me. These things also help keep me grounded if she chose to walk away from this as well."

 

I like that a lot and need to follow your lead. I am doing quite a lot of the same, therapy, working out , learning to be the best I can be. However the new girl has given me some confidence back and it is nice to be wanted again after the rejection.

 

I am as honest as possible with her. She is smart enough to know I am damaged goods right now and will be for quite a while. I am the one who keeps thinking of a future with her, when I should just be concentrating on myself first, like you are.

 

One thing I have to tell her is don't wait around for me. Though I do really like her I have no idea when I will be datable for real. For all I know I am just infatuated with her. I am certainly not in touch with my true feelings right now and don't want to cause any collateral damage.

 

It is amazing how much our lives have changed in such a short period of time. I am starting to believe it is all for the best, I hope you get to that point also.

 

Keep moving forward.

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