, lonely, hurt and I did it to myself

[LostInIdaho]

I want to start of by apologizing to anyone that might read this. It may seem as though I'm jumping all over the place but I just want to get it all out there as it coming to mind and I don't want to miss anything. If you stick with it you will see a bigger picture. (I hope)

 

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. In the beginning she used to tell me I was her soul mate. I never said anything to agree or disagree with that statement, I would just smile at her and look at the floor. Thinking back I was scared of what that meant and I wasn't sure if a soul mate existed for any of us. I know now how wrong I was.

 

Our marriage was rocky at times. We fought. I just chalked it up as "normal husband and wife stuff". I mean all couples fight, right? The difference was I didn't realize what I was doing while we fought and sometimes even when we weren't fighting.

 

I have anger issues that I never wanted to admit to until now. I get frustrated, irritated and upset very easily and sometimes for no reason at all. For this reason I have started EMDR therapy in hopes to get my emotions under control. More about that later but for now I just want to get a time line of events out there. I'm hoping for some insight, understanding...anything at this point. I'm desperate!

 

Two years ago my wife left. She had several reasons for leaving. My anger was one of them but there was religious reasons (she was, I wasn't and it was hard for her) and she wanted kids but I had a vasectomy during my previous marriage. I begged and pleaded for her to come back. I promised to get my vasectomy reversed and I did, I started going to church and am actually enjoying it and I tried my best to control my anger and we started going to Marriage counseling. During the last 2 years I thought I was doing pretty good but I slipped up a couple of times and let my emotions take control. Our last fight was 6 months ago but it was a bad one. I gave her unwarranted attitude while talking to her about the bills. My tone was less than pleasing and it caused a fight. I yelled at her out of frustration because I didn't realize how I had sounded to her. Then when she tried to leave I stood behind her car so she couldn't. In that moment I felt confused and just wanted to understand why this was happening. I didn't mean to be controlling or abusive in anyway but that's what ended up happening. My verbally abusive tone, the need to stop her from leaving and my yelling at her over something so stupid ultimately destroyed any trust and faith she had left in me to change despite how hard I had worked over the last 2 years to reel it in. Of course I didn't know it at the time. It wasnt until 6 months after that fight that she told me, while we were in counseling that she could no longer stay married to me because of my angry outbursts and unpredictably. She was sure I would lose it again and felt she couldnt handle it anymore.

 

She came back a week later with a book that she wanted me to read. Its called "The verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans. She wanted me to read a specific chapter about "the anger addict". This would be the hardest and most painful thing I have ever read in my life. I got to see and feel what it was like for my wife to live with me when I was at my worst. I laid in bed, destroyed by my own actions. Crying to God for help and soaking my pillows with tears of regret, depression and anger for myself. I wanted to hurt myself in that moment. I felt that I didn't deserve happiness or to even be alive. Then, I realized that I was NOT the victim here. My wife was. I was a terrorist in my own home. I hurt her and I have to do something about it. So I found Patricia Evans and called her and spoke with her. I had questions about her book. I felt she did a very good job of explaining what its like from the womens perspective but didn't offer any insight for the men who were being abusive and wanted to stop. During our phone conversation she mentioned EMDR therapy. I had never heard of it so researched it, read another book called "Getting past your past" and booked an appointment with a local therapist that specializes in EMDR. I wont go into what its about but I will say it has a very high success rate for people suffering from PTSD. I have only been to one session so far but have another scheduled for this Monday where we will actually get started with the EMDR process. I asked my wife to read this book as well and offered to pay for her to go to therapy. She agreed to do both but is still very sure that she wants a divorce.

 

Now for the confusing part. Although she wants a divorce she also has told me she is still very much in love with me and she has high hopes for our future together. In fact, she wants to write a "contract" together that will state intentions of getting back together after a full year. In this contract we will agree to do certain things like: we will not date anyone else, we will continue to wear our wedding rings the whole time, I have to give her tons of space but we will still remain in contact,We will not have sex or even touch each other, we will be legally divorced and we will continue with therapy/counseling.

 

I asked, why we have to get a divorce? Why cant we just stay separated? her answer was "I have to know that you are willing to do this without having any ties to me and if we stay married you will stop working on this because you get too comfortable".

 

After one year has passed we will start to "date" again and if it feel right for both of us we will get remarried.

 

In my desperation, I agreed to her terms and still am but I have fears too. A lot can happen in a year. She could meet someone else or I could. She says that wont happen because we are going to stay committed to each other and our future together. What if after a year we start to date and she realizes she can't or doesn't want to be with me or marry me again? What if we do get remarried and I have a moment of weakness and let my emotions take over again?

 

I love her very much, I hope that is obvious. But she knows she has me wrapped around her finger and that I will do anything to make this work. I just bounce back and forth between feeling sadness, regret, depression, frustration and of course a sense that everything will be ok.

 

I just hope and a pray to God that I'm doing the right things and if anyone has any other suggestions please let me know.

 

Im sure I missed a few things here so I might add more as it comes to me.

[Mr. Lucky]

While I'm sure you love your wife, I'm going to gently suggest you may not be the best match for each other. Your personalities, lifestyles and priorities seem very different.

 

The contract seems bizarre. What will each of you be doing that would bring more to the table 12 months from now? And how will you stay "committed" without "dating" each other? You don't normally divorce someone you'd consider marrying a year from now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LostInIdaho]

We do have our differences on certain things but for the most part we get along quite well. We do want the same things out of life and have been willing to work towards those things. For example: When I got my vasectomy I was married to my Ex-wife we agreed together that we didn't want more kids but after we slit up I stayed single for 3 years. During that time I decided that I would be willing to have it reversed for the right person if they decided they wanted kids. She was the right person for me. Sometimes Things were harder than others but we still worked. The important thing is, we both love each other very much and want a future together.

 

As for the contract, I completely agree that it is odd. I don't fully understand why she feels she has to have a divorce but then sign this contract immediately afterwards other than the reasons I already mentioned.

 

Part of me thinks that she wants to test my resolve. To make sure I am willing to do what it takes to help myself and get over my anger issues.

Part of me thinks she is being slightly over controlling because she knows she has me wrapped around her finger.

 

All I really know is that I love her very much and I want her to be in my life forever. I am willing do whatever it takes to make that happen and if waiting a full year is it, than that is exactly what I will do.

 

Besides, even if we don't get back together I'm sure I would be single for at least a year anyway. I certainly have no desire to date anyone.

I have to admit though, I'm scared. A year is a long time and anything can happen.

[2sunny]

A year goes by fast!

 

Have you learned new methods of communicating your feelings in a calm and rational manner?

 

How's the EMDR going?

[LostInIdaho]

I just started the EMDR therapy so it's too early to tell. I do really do like the book I've read about it and the home exercises explained in it.

 

My first session was last Tuesday but it was just to get some background info. The next session we will be jumping right into the EMDR therapy so I'll let you know after that on Monday.

 

I'm always learning new strategies to handle myself better. The problem is remembering them in the heat of the moment. Im a very "in the now" kind of person. I am always up for learning new things though so any advice is very welcome.

[Mr. Lucky]

Part of me thinks that she wants to test my resolve. To make sure I am willing to do what it takes to help myself and get over my anger issues.

And yet how would she asses any progress without interaction with you?

 

Listen, she can mandate that you eat left-handed for the next year. The question is, how does that help any eventual relationship, including one about to be legally severed by divorce?

 

I'm not sure how honest she's being with you about her actual intentions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LostInIdaho]

I can certainly understand where you're coming from Mr. Lucky. I guess I failed to mention that she does want to keep in contact and will remain close. She also comes over quite often to visit my kids. I have 3 boys from a previous marriage that she has more or less raised. She's more of a mother to them than their biological mother is. They absolutely adore her and loves them very much as well.

[jakrbbt]

I think you are not the only angry and controlling one in the relationship. She is as well, but in a different way and using different means. Not that she's doing so consciously like, "Hehe, I think I'll control my husband and make a puppet out of him." No, like most of us when we are being lame, she is likely scared. Perhaps she is a perfect angel normally and only got angry after having very good reason for a few years. It doesn't much matter-- I'm sure she is a good person. She is, however, not coming from a place of reason. She is coming from a place of wishful thinking and control.

 

But she is crossing a boundary. Telling you how to conduct yourself during the divorce-but-still-a-relationship, is crossing a boundary. Once you split from someone, they get to go on their way and (and this is important) they get to deal with the breakup the way they have to. For you, that means lessening the confusion. You have enough to figure out as it is. And by the way, her terms probably will confuse her as well. They are all fictitious and, well, confusing. So she has crossed a boundary and that won't do anyone any good here.

 

Meanwhile she has invented this whole thingumjig-"divorce"-thing wherein you two do certain things for one year, then get together again because she is convinced that is the formula for her somehow trusting you, like you passed some test on Survivor Fake Island. You just can't control an outcome like that. I don't know if she's watched too many romantic comedies or what, but she has no idea what weird permutations a year will bring. What will happen, what will not happen, what you guys will think about what happens et cetera. This woman is over-simplifying the next year and trying way to hard to conduct the whole thing. Is she a playwright by any chance?

 

Tell her that the divorce idea is confusing to you, and you need to not be confused. That you two can come up with something else but you're sure she can understand how confusing that is. My take is, she wants to trust you and cannot. She wants to leave you and cannot. So she has devised a magic "test" where if YOU pass it, everything will be OK in the end and she can control your, and her, emotions, and you two will be able to have the kind of relationship she thinks is best. The problem is that she has completely forgotten that there is another person who will be living out this year: You. With your own separate brain in your head, not hers. You and your brain will not necessarily have the same experience with thingumjig-divorce-test that she will. Nor might you want the exact same relationship.

 

I can well understand that she just wants to be comfortable with you-- she has been uncomfortable and would like things the one way that she thinks is "OK." But the two of you need a healthy relationship or no relationship at all. None of this puppet-master stuff, that isn't any better than anger addiction stuff.

 

Your wife is as confused and hurt as you. Her attempt to intellectualize a neat solution is not going to work, so don't jump through those particular hoops. You have to work on yourself and right now that means keeping your boundaries, not crossing other people's, dealing with your disappointments, and not jumping headlong into a soup of confusion just for a shot at being with her or anyone else. If you two can be together, the only path is you both getting emotionally healthy. I don't really think she is. You are getting there, or starting to, and I read in your posts some extraordinary efforts you have been making. Bravo for that, really. Let her know you love her and will respect her boundaries and her decision, but again, tell her that this idea is just too confusing for you and you will need to be married, separated, or divorced. (And for you guys, I like the idea of a separation with individual counseling.)

Edited September 28, 2014 by jakrbbt

[LostInIdaho]

Thank you for your insight jakrbbt. I appreciate your words.

 

One thing I have being thinking a lot about this weekend is; I'm wondering if she is attempting to "start over and do things right this time". What I mean is. She came from a very religious home and was taught that marriage is sacred and a covenant with God however, when we met she was at a time in her life when she was confused about religion and her beliefs in general. She hadnt been going to church for a while but still had love in her heart for everything she was taught growing up. We had premarital sex for several months before we got married and I know this tore her up inside.

 

She tells me she still loves me very much and is dedicated to our future and has already mentioned getting remarried to each other after this stint. I just cant help but think that this is her trying to do right by God and her faith. Start over, hit the reset button, do things right.

 

If this is the case, I can certainly understand. I do agree that it's very confusing and it makes it difficult for me to make a rational decision. I truly believe she is my soul mate and we are meant to be together (as crazy as that may sound).

 

Also the fact that she did this exact same thing 2 years ago and came back within a month makes me believe she wont really be gone a full year. She's saying and doing the exact same things again. (more that I forgot to mention in my original post). She is however very stubborn and knows that she is doing these things again and so she may actually go through with all of this just to prove a point. I don't know... All I really know is that I will not give up on my wife or my marriage. Even if that means I have to sign divorce papers with a twisted hope of remarriage later. If this is a test of faith, I will win because I am determined to do what it takes.

[aMguilts]

If she loved you and wanted. To be married again

Why get divorced ?

 

As for this contract saying what

You can do and what you can't?

Really?

Google homer mcDonald pdf. Stop your

Divorce

Read through all of it and then stop

Being a doormat for someone that

Will keep wiping her feet on you

For as long as you let her too

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Stop beating yourself up over it too

It's not just all your fault

Takes 2 to tango

And although we haven't heard her side

Blaming yourself for everything will get you nowhere

From what you put

You're better off without her

Be nice to yourself

Start looking after you

Not what she want's

Or what you think she wants

Think about you. Start looking after you

aM

[Yasuandio]

I would define her contract as THE genus legal strategy in which to have the entirely most generous outcome in the divorce (plus, the cake will keep coming to her table for an entire year, brilliant!). Yas

[caplion]

I think you've got a pretty lucky situation. None of us know what she is thinking - but if you take what she says at face value your in a very good position. I know it's super scary to think what could happen in a year - but if you both could take the year to really work on yourself (not LESS time) it will be the best thing that ever happened to you. From what you say it does sound like she is taking this serious too - that's she not just giving you a line. You just have to slow down and do the work. DO NOT GET NEEDY - DO NOT ASK HER HOW SOON YOU CAN GET BACK TOGETHER. Show her you are improving yourself - don't tell her - just show her by going to your therapy session - being respectful when she's around. And get out and live your life too - visit friends (although friends can be a pain cause they'll be telling you to move on, forget her..if that's the case make new friends). Learn a new skill (play guitar, rock climb, learn to paint). This will make you more interesting to her AND take your mind off of your worries (at least for a little bit).

 

And in the worst case scenario (which from what you describe really doesn't sound likely to me) she meets someone else - even goes on a few dates - in all likelihood she'll still come back to you. Again I really don't think this is her plan. But always stay calm and collected when you're with her. I think expressing anger is a good thing in a marriage - you have to be real (but not to be threatening or abusive of course)...but right now is NOT that time to express any anger. Also don't keep apologizing to her (don't know if you are doing this)...apologize sincerely once and keep it brief and then go to work on yourself.

 

She'll also need help and she'll need to work out her own issues - but there is NOTHING you can do about that - just work on yourself. Then when you are back together you can work together...but until then just work on yourself. Read books, watch videos, listen to podcast -- take it all with a grain of salt - but get info. However, I wouldn't do the "no contact" thing unless you don't think you can control yourself right now...otherwise, you've got it great - she still sees you regularly enough and seem interested in working things out.

 

I envy your situation - compared to mine (but more on that later).

 

Regards,

CL

[jakrbbt]

Thank you for your insight jakrbbt. I appreciate your words.

 

One thing I have being thinking a lot about this weekend is; I'm wondering if she is attempting to "start over and do things right this time". What I mean is. She came from a very religious home and was taught that marriage is sacred and a covenant with God however, when we met she was at a time in her life when she was confused about religion and her beliefs in general. She hadnt been going to church for a while but still had love in her heart for everything she was taught growing up. We had premarital sex for several months before we got married and I know this tore her up inside.

 

She tells me she still loves me very much and is dedicated to our future and has already mentioned getting remarried to each other after this stint. I just cant help but think that this is her trying to do right by God and her faith. Start over, hit the reset button, do things right.

 

If this is the case, I can certainly understand. I do agree that it's very confusing and it makes it difficult for me to make a rational decision. I truly believe she is my soul mate and we are meant to be together (as crazy as that may sound).

 

Also the fact that she did this exact same thing 2 years ago and came back within a month makes me believe she wont really be gone a full year. She's saying and doing the exact same things again. (more that I forgot to mention in my original post). She is however very stubborn and knows that she is doing these things again and so she may actually go through with all of this just to prove a point. I don't know... All I really know is that I will not give up on my wife or my marriage. Even if that means I have to sign divorce papers with a twisted hope of remarriage later. If this is a test of faith, I will win because I am determined to do what it takes.

 

Ah but her motives don't matter as much as you're thinking. I mean they matter to the extent that you want to know if they are sinister. But the inquiry does not stop there. You do not want to say, "If her motives are non-sinister then I will follow her "special divorce" plan." Let me tell you, when I decided to ski a black diamond with one pole an NO skiing experience in order to impress a guy in high school, were my motives sinister? No. But does that mean it was a good idea? My little plan did not work.

 

I doubt her motives are sinister and I do believe that she loves you-- that, to you, is the biggie. But you have got to be concerned with more than "why is SHE doing this" and "does she love me." You, sir, need to take care of yourself. The question is whether you and she can have, and do have, a healthy relationship. I don't know why people so often think that as long as a person is not evil, they should be/stay in a relationship with them. (And the flipside: when breaking up they feel the need to say that the other on is bad and evil.) There are a lot of great men that I'm not going to be with, don't wanna, don't have to. It's more difficult when you want to be with someone but have a bad relationship with them.

 

This is not about her and you. It is about the relationship that you have. That means boundaries--- you do not have a good sense of boundaries at all. You are basing what is OK on what she thinks and wants. My guess is that one reason you lose your temper is that you don't set healthy boundaries in the first place and then the lines blur with who does what to whom, and you get confused and feel violated very suddenly.

 

You don't get to a healthy relationship by way of a weird, twisted non-relationship relationship first. What you do now, is building the relationship you have. You can't be divorced and then snip off the divorce as if it never happened. It becomes part of your past, part of how you relate to each other, part of your present relationship all the time.

 

So again, seeing her side of it will help you be patient with your differences, and help you not to villain-ize her. That is fine. You do not have to leap suddenly from there to agreeing with all her terms-- especially when you essentially cannot. I wish you luck, keep posting!

[travelbug1996]

she's trying to work with you whereas I get rid of angry men with no hesitation. You have a lot of work on yourself to do. I wish you all the best

[LostInIdaho]

I dont consider myself to be an "angry man". I just have days where I'm irritated for no good reason. I dont know..maybe I am an angry man.

 

I just know I dont want to be anymore and I am willing to do what it takes to fix it.

[jakrbbt]

OP, I hear you taking some responsibility for your issues, but then assuming you must do what she wants. I think it would be unwise to do her suggestion because you have done wrong in the past. This is not about you counting your blessings because you are bad and she is good and you are lucky that you might win her as though she is some door prize.

 

Instead, this is about whether you two-- together-- have a healthy relationship. (Spoiler alert: You do not.) And whether you can have one. Because you both have not rejected the other, clearly. You love each other. And I think that if you can have a healthy relationship together, you will be together. That is why she devised this wacky plan that will not work and is boundary-crossing controlling crap: Well, in one way she is onto the right thing: Let's try something different so that we can have a healthy relationship. And while that will entail you dealing with whatever anger or irritation issues you may have, for sure, it will entail the two of you working together on some things as well. And in my opinion, her working on some of her nonsensical expectations and control issues.

 

If you do not stay together, it will likely be because you two can't have a healthy relationship--not because you don't love each other or are evil or reject-worthy. I think you are both fortunate that you both found someone you love, even if it must end because it got too unhealthy. You may not have the skills to have a functioning together-ness. If you don't, then you will have to then count your real blessings: That you loved someone who loved you, you had a wonderful connection, and you both stopped being together rather than destroy each other once you figured out you could not function together. Or maybe you can function together and you figure out how. Either way OP, you are more fortunate than most. That is not to discount your intense pain right now.

 

BTW, do run this special-divorce idea by your counselor (you have one right?) before even thinking about agreeing to it. I don't think that your counselor will think it's a good idea.

Edited September 29, 2014 by jakrbbt

[travelbug1996]

 

I have anger issues that I never wanted to admit to until now. I get frustrated, irritated and upset very easily and sometimes for no reason at all.

 

Two years ago my wife left. She had several reasons for leaving. My anger was one of them

 

 

The first step is owning your stuff. It is what it is. Now don't get defensive, just own it and fix it. If not, these anger issues will creep up in the next relationship.

 

For me anger is tied closely to my fears. Usually the fear of losing something I have or the fear of not getting something I want.

 

I used to be angry all the time and looking closer, it was usually another emotion tied to it like hurt sadness, frustration etc, It just always came out as anger. Get in touch with the many other emotions you could be feeling when anger comes up. acknowledge them and try not to give so much energy to the anger. since many times it is a useless emotion. It has its function, but kindness in a relationship is so much better.

 

Best wishes

[LostInIdaho]

Well I ran this idea by my counselor today. She said she can see where my wife is coming from but she doesn't think its necessary and wants to talk to my wife about it. Ill be seeing her tomorrow so I'll ask her to set up an appointment. So far shes been fairly receptive to things (for the most part) so I'm hoping she will agree to go in. Im also hoping the counselor can help see there are other ways to do this that wont require us to jump through a bunch of uneeded hoops. . we shall see.

[LostInIdaho]

Today while I was working I drove past a park and saw my wife sitting at a bench. (its a small town). I decided to stop and talk to her for a minute.

when I walked up behind her I noticed she was filling out divorce papers.

 

All day yesterday I was a little angry about the situation. Angry because of the hurt that Im going through and especially the hurt that my kids are going through. And although I havent forgotten the mistakes I made to caused this I was angry with my wife for walking away from us. I was angry that she broke her promise to me and my boys even when I kept all of mine. I promised my family that I would continue to work on myself and get the help I needed to over come my past. She promised she would never leave me and my boys again.

 

Now, whenever she comes over I have to watch my boys get their hopes that that she wont walk out that door again. And when she does I have to see the pain in their eyes and comfort them the best I can as they cry them selves to sleep.

 

For this reason, I decided it would probably be best that she not come around any more...at least for a while. So, I sat down next to her at the bench today and say "I think....after today, it would be best if you dont come around anymore". She looked at me and in an obviously upset tone asked "You dont want to see the boys at all?". I told her "I don't know, its just that every time you come over they get their hopes up that you will stay. Then when you leave it hurts them. Its just as hard on them as it is for me and its not fair. They didnt do anything to deserve feeling this way." She didn't say anything for a few seconds then said "i will respect what ever you decide." I told her I would let her know what I decide and walked away.

 

I never, in a million years, would have thought I would someday have to protect my kids and myself from being hurt by her. She is a great mother to this boys. I honestly couldn't ask for better. But right now she's hurting them and I feel I have no other choice. At the same time I second guess my decision and wonder if it was truly the right thing to do.

 

This wasnt something that popped into my head as I was walking up to her. I thought long and hard about this and wanted to make sure I wasnt making an irrational decision based on my emotions.

 

Please, someone tell me if I'm doing the right thing or not.

[Certhoc]

You are. You're a man of strength. Wish you the best

[LostInIdaho]

I saw her again when she dropped my boys off.

She looks like crap. I could tell shes in a lot of pain right now.

I feel horrible. I never wanted to hurt her but I stayed strong and told her that I wasn't making this decision to be vengeful or to cause more pain. I'm just trying to protect my kids. she said "its your choice, if this is what you want". I said "This isnt my choice, its not the choice I ever wanted to have to make. Your choices are influencing mine." I also asked he to think about whether she was prepared to lose us all forever and that I will give her my decision soon and walked into the house.

 

it pains me so much to see her the way she is. I know I made some mistakes in our marriage. I messed up and she reached her limit. I cant help but to wonder if Im making things worse for everyone.

[LostInIdaho]

I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I couldn't do it. I seen what it was doing to her and it was upsetting for my kids. I feel horrible. Like I just murdered someone and I deserve a horrible death for my crimes.