boxfather Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 (edited) Ok im going to try and be as detailed as possible, so I apologize for how long this may be. 8 months ago my wife and I separated. Here's a short summary of why... she cheated on me because I was traveling at the beginning of our marriage, we got past it and had a son. Two years after the birth, cheated again, because she felt neglected during the pregnancy, which I admit I was not the best when it came to being loving during that time. I found the emails, pictures, and convo about it all, I snapped that night, I threw the pictures at her and she got in my face and I head butt her. We somehow got past it. 1 year later, she deployed overseas for 3 months, one month in, stopped talking to me, the day she returned to the states, our sons birthday, she didn't call either of us, instead she stayed in a hotel room with a guy she met. We separated for 7 months. I went back to st louis, moved on briefly but missed the family, she begged to have me back, so I did. Fast forward 2.5 more years, she is now out of the military, I took a promotion, we have had no infidelity problems, but I couldn't forgive... the love drifted, I neglected her, when she left to visit family we decided to separate again. This time we actually filed with the court... Now onto the separation... The first 2 months were super spiteful, she had my son and refused to let me see him, threatened me with her attorney, said I'm abusive, I just wanted my son back. So I got an attorney, we went to court...only to find out she didn't have an attorney, I felt horrible. I got full temporary custody because she refused to move back to the state. Now after this I keep the communication up with them. I took him to her, 11 hours away, where he stayed for a month, then brought him back to start 1st grade. Im missing her at this point, being a single father all alone 11 hours from family and friends is very eye opening. I start accepting Christ. I have found a way to truly forgive, but I still miss her. She finally starts communicating with me a few months ago, but refuses to reconcile. This weekend she came down to visit. Slept on the couch... Now for her visit... She got here late Friday night, talked for a bit, went to sleep, refused to sleep in the bed. The next day we all hung out, had a great time. She and I had a brief upsetting in the car, I mentioned taking my son to the carnival next month, she mentioned she was going to a Rams game with friends. I said "which friends?", her response, "none of your business". I said "I know you want to show me you're moving on, but I don't want to hear about your dates." Ten more minutes of awkward driving, I stop at our destination, wine store to get wine, she stops me and to my complete shock... apologizes for upsetting me... So anyway, we get home, put our son to bed, and we drink the bottle, talk like we are dating again for 2 hours, holding hands, kissing, then sex. Tells me "it doesn't mean we're getting back together", goes and sleeps on the couch. The next day was to the beach, some hand holding, one or two kisses, but a lot of pushing away at night when we were watching a movie. Next morning, boys at school, we have sex, she showers, comes out as I'm leaving the room, grabs my arm and kisses me on the cheek. I ask "why?" She says "that is for the beach yesterday." A lot of hand holding this day, a lot of kissing, a lot of cuddling at night. Gets upset and pushes away once at night, then comes over ten minutes later to tell me, "you never kissed me like this when I was here," starts to almost cry, stops herself, says she's going to bed, kiss good night. The next morning, she's leaving, no sex, no hand holding, no kissing, just... cold hearted. Hugs me passionately before getting in the car, kisses me good bye, says we can talk more. Texts me when she got home, saying she got home. I said "have a great nights rest." Next morning I text," good morning, hope you had fun, we miss you, have a good day." No response. I text that night, "do you want to talk to our son tomorrow night?" Texts back, "that's fine." I ask, are you ok?" She texts back,"yeah, just tired." I said "get some rest and ill text you in the morning ." No response. Now today, I send a good morning text, no response. So...what's going on here... PS. Also discovered she has an account on Plenty of Fish :/ Edited September 27, 2014 by boxfather Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 What I think is that you should not be so confused and you need some counseling. You've been long term separated and hooked up with the "should be ex wife". She told you it didn't mean you were getting back together. She's cheated on you multiple times . She blamed you and for some "crazy" reason, you accepted the blame. There is nothing there. Shouldn't be anything there. Get away from there. Back away. Seriously. Get you some help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author boxfather Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 The thought of it being something different is definitely there. I wonder if maybe my attraction is more towards the codependency of my situation, being a 28 year old with a 6 year old, and literally no one else, no friends, no family, nothing, and sadly no way of getting back home, YET. Hopefully soon I will get my transfer with work back home. I constantly worry about losing my job or something because of my "inconvenient" availability due to situations with my son. That being said, my thoughts still seek gratification of a different view of her behavior this previous weekend. Why the flip flopping? Hopefully I will be moving home within the next month, which will be such a stress reliever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 "Sex with an ex" can work for the same reason you got together in the first place, obviously the attraction was once there. Add in comfort, familiarity, convenience and family ties and it can be a heady mix. Just don't mistake it for marriage and the emotional ties that bind. Based on what you label "flip flopping", she's one step ahead in terms of disengagement. Right now you're one of a couple of people she sleeps with. If that's OK with you, that's all that matters... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 Look up "hysterical bonding." Yas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 You asked, "why the flip flopping". What on earth are you talking about?! She told you that you were not getting back together. That is a clear non-flip flop. You hit it on the head when you said "co-dependency" issues. You associate sex with her as an indication of love and commitment. STOP. She does not associate that with you and told you she does not, when you were married she showed you that she did not because she was banging other dudes. There is no flip flopping. She is consistent. You are desperately hoping that nothing means something. You have the gift of her having left. Avoid her like the plague. Nothing good will come from this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author boxfather Posted October 5, 2014 Author Share Posted October 5, 2014 Bigman1, youre right... my buddy recently went over there to get something for his dog (her roommate, best friend, is his ex). When he was walking up he heard laughter, and stopped. Realized what was going on and got an audio recording and sent it to me. This was 15 minutes after a scheduled talk with our son, which she ignored. She was getting high. Not a big deal... but when you have NO interaction with your son.. it is. Shes out drinking tonight actually... her best friend has been sending me snapchats. Its a sad situation, a part of me still misses her, but this... along with no car insurance, no bank account, not going to school (even though she has a GI Bill)... it is just too much to want a reconciliation... I will be holding onto this recording for when we go to court. Link to post Share on other sites
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