adam688 Posted September 26, 2014 Share Posted September 26, 2014 Sorry for the back story but want to put it in so I can receive the best help. 6 years ago I met the woman that completed me. She was the most gorgeous woman I have ever met. She had a daughter who is now mine (I adopted her and gave both of them my name) and I love my daughter with all my heart. Number 1 is daughter number 2 is wife which is the way we want it. 4 years ago I was in the Navy and something happened and I got depressed, anxiety, and panic attacks. I was booted out with a Navy medical discharge and since then my wife has tried to pick up my pieces and help me become me again. Her past was very physically abusive with a man and has given her reservations about any man. I am not that man, I am on the other hand verbally abusive according to her, and I can see where she has come from. My verbal comes in the form of snide remarks. I tell you this to show you where some of the biggest troubles of my marriage have centered on. Before what happened in the Navy I was happy every day, and making jokes, and made everyone around me happy. She has been my best friend for the past 6 years. I helped her through cancer, and paid the bills while she went through Nursing school. She got out of school and started a job and has time opened up to see all the trouble I had been causing. This leads up to today..... or almost today. 3 weeks ago she kicked me out of the house. Her words were "Trial Separation", and "I want you to leave so that I don't hate you". Other things were that "I am not ready, but when I am I need to be wooed back, and romanced". (One thing I had been sorely lacking on and missed it myself). I am a recluse and she has tried multiple times to get me to go to marriage counciling and I said sure, but then tried to fix it myself. Now that I am out of the house I still realize the grass is greener at home. We "Text" and talk as friends some, and 2 days ago she said we could "Talk". I hoped beyond hope it was gonna be a good talk, but it wasn't. She said she was leaning more towards divorce since she had been finding herself. That she was happier, and open to dating other guys, and thought I should do the same with other girls. Lastly she referenced me to the other guy that hurt her physically. Stating "I let him back in real soon, and he hurt me bad. I am afraid that if I do that with you 2 months or a year down the road we will be back to this and I am going to be mad at you then". I am going to counciling by myself and seeing a psychiatrist. I want to do the marriage counciling and want to woo her and romance her. But is it to late. Sorry for the long winded speech but I am lost here. Is there a chance? Did I lose my soul mate? Do I need to move on, or fight with my very last breath (which I am willing to do). Help is needed! Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 26, 2014 Share Posted September 26, 2014 If you want her back you are going to have to get better. You are currently suffering with mental illness and its taken its toll. That means sorting out all of these problems you have and concentrating on that so you can be the man she fell in love with, i.e. you. You need to do exactly what she is doing and find yourself. You need to fight for yourself not her... Talk to her. She is afraid of the past. Get some help together, even if it does end in divorce it will help to make it easier on you both. Ask her for time. Make it a set time say 6 months, where neither of you date. just take it easy and see how you go. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted September 26, 2014 Share Posted September 26, 2014 YOu can't fix the marriage maybe, but you can get on with getting help and fixing up yourself. If she sees you are genuinely committed to being a better person, and being a better partner, to addressing your depression, etc, then she might feel there's hope for you as a couple. Right now you're not offering her anything but more of the same. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 26, 2014 Share Posted September 26, 2014 It's not too late. Go to the VA & talk to your counselors. Make sure they know what is going on. Get them to give you the names of some good marriage counselors. Learn to control what you say. Be conscious of it. For now, apologize for whatever you said. Tell her that you are trying to be more mindful of it & that you want to work to change. Since she said she wants to be wooed, start but start small. Good morning & good night texts telling her you love her are good. Snail mail is also your friend: a romantic card (Blue mountain makes some -- you want one that shows you are contrite but that you do love her). A few hand written romantic letters would be good. Perhaps send one per week. Flowers are also good -- once per month. They don't have to be elaborate expensive things from the florist: $7.99 at the grocery store is fine with bigger splurges on special occasions. After you do all that ask to take her to dinner / on a date. Candlelight, staring into her eyes, slow dancing & sweet words. These behaviors don't stop when she takes you back. You have to work at keeping the romance alive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam688 Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 Thanks for all the information, I plan on implementing some of it and hoping other parts don't happen. Is there any other thoughts on the matter? Just wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
caplion Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Sounds like good advice so far...but be careful NOT to push too hard - you have to go at her speed - don't send too many flowers and cards - and maybe none to begin with -- the very first thing is to keep working on yourself. No one is going to change in three weeks and she knows this so you all of a sudden firing on all cylinders is going to seem either suspicious or even dangerous - work up slowly. There will be set backs too - but just let them pass. But remember GO AT HER SPEED. Best, CL Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 you may have lost her for good. your words have power and they have negatively impacted your family. your work should be on Self. Even if she doesn't take you back try to be kinder and more mindful of the negative things you say to people you "are in love with" best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 I feel for you and I hear your pain, I too love my wife an and miss her like hell, she is everything to me but never forget the more you plead and beg the further you push them away for some reason, maybe they feel threatened by it which is why they put the shutters up all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Liana Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 It may sounds naive, but I really believe that everything in the world can be fixed. Link to post Share on other sites
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